The Only Review Of AWE: Night of Legends That You’ll Ever Need

For those who don’t know,
AWE stands for Awesome Wrestling Entertainment. That is exceedingly bad. 

The show starts off with us being told that AWE is
made in America. Well, it’s pretty obvious since no other country would be able
to come up with something as stupid as Awesome Wrestling Entertainment.
The arena looks a lot like the early TNA shows, and it seems to be a somewhat
upscale production. 

Our hosts are Chris Cruise, Dutch Mantell, and
Larry Zybysko. 

 

Tommy Dreamer vs. Terry Funk – No DQ Match

I could be a fool for looking forward to this, but
I am, dammit. Apparently the match was scheduled for later in the card, but
we’re told that Tommy and Funk went to the promoter and demanded it go
on first. It has to be true, and in no way indicative of anyone being too old
and/or injured. I’d like to state
right now that Chris Cruise is one of
the worst announcers I’ve ever heard. He’s actually making me wish that LARRY
would talk more, so what’s that tell you? This match is terrible and
even calling it a match is a stretch. Why they stuck a capable guy like Tommy
out there with someone like Funk, I’ll never know. There’s some punches,
some terrible headbutts, Funk stumbling about, the use of some solid plastic
chairs, and that’s about it. The ending comes out of nowhere, and on top
of that it’s confusing. It looks like a two count, but the ref says three. The
announcers don’t know what’s going on, and the only good news is that
the match is over. This is probably just a flub, the ***** classics are right
around the corner, I’m sure of it. 
Tommy Dreamer defeats Terry Funk with a roll-up at
4:01 | DUD

Oh good, now they’re recapping it, and giving us
highlights of something that had no highlights. That’s what I get for
complaining about Raw recapping the blazing inferno 324 times in one
night. 

Chris Graham interviews Jamin. This guy looks like
the kid from Surf Ninjas who controls things with his Game Gear. [I’m Uncle
Iggy!]
This Chris Graham guy is God-awful. I’m sensing a heaping dose of
nepotism regarding his job, as he reminds me of Joe Bob Briggs in Casino. Possessing
absolutely zero craft in the art of conducting an interview, Chris makes
the fact that Jamin can’t cut a promo sort of like your face being put on fire
and putting it out with salt. I really hope this is the last we see of
Chris. 

We now join Bill Apter, who looks to be about 103,
as he interviews Sonjay Dutt. The best part of the interview is when Sonjay
says he’s “G’d up from the feet up” and Bill Apter, looking to be
about 135 years old, looks
at the camera, shaking his head, yes, with a look of “Yup. From the feet
to the top of his head, Mister. He looks just like Two Pack.”

 Jamin Olivencia vs. Sonjay Dutt
We get a sweet spot where Jamin kips up, but
Sonjay slaps the hell out of him the second he’s upright. The rest of the match
is nothing special, basically
what you’d find in any X-Division match on iMPACT. Jamin is really annoying,
and not the good kind either. Another flub, that classic has GOT to be
happening soon. 
Jamin kicks Sonjay in the balls for the pin at
10:30 | **1/2

We get footage of the contract signing for the
main event. It’s great as Ricky Morton, one half of Team Del Boca Vista grabs
the mic and says “Everybody is talking about how Ricky Morton hates Kevin
Nash. You wanna know why? Well, just go to the internet and type in “Ricky
Morton hates Kevin Nash.” What a captivating promo. 

Chris Graham is back, and I’m angry. CW Anderson
gives a decent promo. He’s gonna send Perry Saturn back to the bridge that he
crawled out from underneath of. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 190 years old,
talks with Perry Saturn, and says this is one of the greatest sports
comebacks in history. That in no way is a raging exaggeration, either.
Perry honors all great promos that have come before him in history by saying
“CW Anderson, he may kick my ass, but he’s gonna have to.” WHAT THE
HELL does that mean?! Yes, I’m going to drive to the store today, but if I’m
gonna drive to the store… then I have to drive to the store!

CW Anderson vs. Perry Saturn – Winner gets a
sandwich

Perry isn’t in the same he was 13 years ago, but
he looks decent. If his attempt at a comeback is genuine, then I wish him all
the best. A little after the
match starts, Perry dives out of the ring to get Anderson, only to be nailed in
the head with a chair. I’m always interested by family genetics, and certain
things that can carry over, such as the Andersons being allergic to working
out. Again, nothing worth seeking out, and something you’d see on ECW TV
near the end, which isn’t a good thing. 
Perry Saturn hits a roll up and the pin at 10:20 |
*3/4

Chris Graham is back. Urge to kill is through the
roof. He interviews Mohammad Akbar. Honest to God, this is the WORST xenophobic
‘foreign bad guy’ of all time. I’m not kidding. I mean, his name is Mohammad
Akbar for the love of fuck! Why don’t they get an Asian guy with super
buck-teeth, who comes to the ring in a Japanese Zero? Man, the brilliant
people behind AWE are going to LOSE THEIR MINDS in 20 years when they come up
with the awesomely clever and original idea of an evil GM/owner trying
to snuff out the top babyface rebel. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 230 years old,
interviews Duggan. It’s about as you’d expect, but it’s FAR more interesting,
and FAR greater than any other interview from tonight.

Mohammad Akbar vs. Jim Duggan
Mohammad comes to the ring and talks about why
they should hate him. Seriously? Couldn’t they just have him rip up a fan’s
sign? Or call someone fat? Isn’t there a picture of Ronald Regan that he
could have a beef with? As expected, it’s very 80s. A few punches, the sleeper
spot, then Duggan sets up for his three-point stance deal and does a
clothesline. This match? Not No. 1, hack-pewtooy!
Duggan hits the clothesline and the pin at 5:12 |
DUD

At least Duggan looks like he’s genuinely having a
good time. 

Chris Graham interviews Alex Silva. I can’t tell
what’s going on with him. I think he’s doing some sorta idiot savant gimmick,
I’m not sure. Either way, this is NOT improving this PPV, or my mood. 

Bill Apter, looking to be about 279 years old,
interviews Fit Finlay. Much to the surprise of no one, he gives the best
interview thus far.


Alex Silva w/ Tammy Sytch vs. Fit Finlay
I must admit, I feel bad for Sunny and really hope
her story ends well. One thing that isn’t well is her aging. She looks rough.
The match isn’t much, as there are chin-locks, head-locks,
scissor-locks, stalling, and not much else. Finlay is a decent wrestler, but
his style doesn’t lend itself very well to the ol’ “go out there
and go bell to bell with a youngster and get him over,”
and this is
exactly what this was. If this had been a hardcore match, and kept it
around 10 minutes, then sure. But this just didn’t work. 
Alex low-blows Fit and rolls him up for the pin at
22:36 | **

Short Sleeve Sampson vs .Abo Shango – Special
Attraction Match

AWE sure does play it fast and loose with the
terms “special” and “attraction”. Short Sleeve Sampson is a
midget wrestler. Who raps. Abo Shango comes out, and he’s a black guy who’s
doing a voodoo gimmick. Seriously? This would be like if me and Scott
Keith formed a tag-team who wore face-paint and spike pads and called ourselves
The Street Warriors. With Fuj as our manager, who always carries around the
New York Times. Anyway, this is sort of like a Harlem Globetrotters match.
There’s a ton of goofy choreography, with crazy
antics that involve groins and grown adults being tripped by midgets. The
announcers are actually pretty funny by making fun of the ridiculousness
of midgets for no absolute reason all of a sudden saying the word ‘midget’ is
bad. Sampson rips off Scotty 2 Hotty’s Worm spot, literally move for move, but he calls it the Inch Worm.
Scotty could sue, it’d probably be a short trial. Yes, I do write my own jokes.
For what this was, it went WAY too long. Had
they kept it at around three minutes, it wouldn’t have been that bad. 
Sampson lands a Frog Splash and the pin at 8:00 |
DUD

Chris Cruise keeps calling Ricky Morton ‘Ricky
Martin’. We see some footage of Kevin Nash attacking Edgar Winter with a chair,
and Edgar running to a kindly grandfather with a lazy eye. Afterward we
get footage of someone named Marvin Ward getting his arm broken by Team Del Boca
Vista. Midnight Express show up, although at their age, they aren’t
staying up till midnight. So, The 7 p.m. Express team up with Team Del Boca for
the beat down on Marvin Ward, who apparently runs the AWE.

Chris Graham interviews Team Del Boca Vista, and
they get the crowd mild up!

Bill Apter, looking to be about a billion years
old, interviews Kevin Nash, who gives the most BORING interview I’ve EVER heard
from him. It’s incredible. You know the box that the Riddler made in
Batman Forever that sucked out people’s thoughts and intelligence? I swear to
God that Bill Apter has a portable one of those and it’s set on
charisma, because not one GD person was able to give an interview above the
decibel rating of dick. If Kevin Nash can’t give a decent promo, then
something is seriously wrong.

The Rock & Roll Express vs. Kevin Nash and DDP
The whole night there’s the “mystery”
about Kevin Nash’s partner. You know, the mystery would be a lot better if DDP
wasn’t on the cover of the PPV and if we didn’t see DDP in some earlier footage.
The Rock & Roll Express never have to worry about being flabby and out of
shape as their careers move on, simply because that’s how they started their
careers. Man, is Kevin Nash really supposed to be afraid of a guy one foot
shorter than him with a muffin top? This is fucking embarrassing. Now Marvin
Ward comes out, and gets rid of Robert & DDP. So they advertise this as a
tag match for MONTHS, and immediately switch to a singles. But it’s no-DQ. Now
the ref is fired, and Ronnie Garvin is brought out as a special enforcer, as
the crowd goes from mild to Words With Friends. I will admit though, this match
is sort of picking up. Nash is beating the hell out of Ricky, and he’s chugging
along, refusing to give up. But from what I’ve read over the years, that’s sort
of his MO. Now of course, the second I start to praise this match, they stop to
give promos. MOTHERFUCKERS. Alright, Ricky is now going on and on about
the onion on his belt back in the day. He says Nash is an asshole, and it takes
him about a Warrior amount of time to get that point out. Nash says he
loves the business too. They shake hands, but Nash hits him with a knee and a
Jack-Knife. Which Chris Cruise calls a power-slam. Nash then gives a
great promo where he says of course it’s all about the money. He tells people
to shut up, keep buying his dolls, and the T-shirts. The economy may be down,
and people may be suffering, but he ain’t one of ’em. He walks out. Morton then
wins via countout, in a no-DQ match. 
Nash walks out at about 10 minutes | A BIG FUCKING
DUD

Another great thing is that they use an RnR photo from the 80’s in the advertisement. But that Ricky Morton isn’t showing up, this one is…

Showcase Showdown: Man alive, I’m livid. That show
as without a doubt the lamest, most pathetic, most amateurish bullshit I’ve
EVER seen. I’ve been reviewing WCW from 2000 for almost a year now, and
any one of those shows blows this away by a thousand miles. This was beyond
insulting. The fact that people paid to see this show should be charge
enough to have this company shut down for good. I mean, they advertised this
stupid tag-team main event for MONTHS, literally MONTHS. Nash’s mystery partner
was the whole lynch-pin of the PPV, and then they didn’t even have the damn
match! Instead we got Nash beating
up Ricky Morton for a few minutes, because Ricky talked bad about Nash on the
internet. I’m completely stunned at what I just saw. To those that have
netflix, go ahead and watch the main event, it starts at the 2 hour mark. This
bullshit truly has to be seen to be believed.

Respect to my editor, Steven Ferrari. More than just having an 80’s pornstar name, he’s the best damn editor I’ve ever used. 
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