The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact–10.25.12

The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 10.25.12 Live from Orlando, FL Your hosts are Jeremy Borash & Todd Kennely for the first hour, and Mike Tenay & Taz for the second. Jeff Hardy and two belts confer with Hulk Hogan to start… and then get narration from INSIDE JEFF’S BRAIN. You know, some TV storytelling conventions just don’t lend themselves to wrestling shows. X title: Rob Van Dam v. Zema Ion Ion gets a quick rollup for two and then begs off. To the headlock, as either my subwoofer is turned way up or the ring is miked INSANELY loud tonight. I kind of like it, actually. Sounds like old school World Class or something. Rob snaps off a press slam and moonsault for two, sending Ion running away, and he suckers RVD out for a shot to the railing. Back in, Rob misses a dive, and Ion gets his own to the outside. Back in, where a tornado DDT gets two. To the top, but the corkscrew press misses and Rob makes the comeback. Rolling Thunder and he goes up to finish with the frog splash at 4:28. Basically the same match as Bound for Glory. **1/2 As expected, Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan hit the ring for the beatdown afterwards, because Ryan’s about the only X division guy they’ve got left. Meanwhile, Austin Aries mocks the ass-kissing going on leading up to the title match tonight. “Oh, Mr. Hogan, Mr. Nanny was so much better than Mrs. Doubtfire! That’s not true.” I love Aries correcting people even in his own imagination. He’ll be mocking the losers as we go along. I look forward to it. Kaz & Daniels are out, and they’re conspiracy victims. And they’re pretty sure that the new champions aren’t even here legally. So they’ve got a PETITION, the most powerful tool on the internet, and they’re gonna get signatures from the audience towards a rematch. This brings out the World tag champions of Mexico, and they’re more than happy to grant another match, and even sign the petition for them. “Gimme back my clipboard! That’s an expensive pen!” Meanwhile, Hulk makes his first elimination in the form of Mr. Anderson, because it’s Mr. Anderson and he sucks. Aries gets in his face on the way out and the brawl is on. Until the director says “Cut” and we get a quick shot of Hogan and Hardy again before commercial. Oh, TNA, why must you make it SO EASY to mock you even when you’re doing good? Speaking of mocking, As Seen On TV crap hits a new low during the commercial break, as I learn that cotton swabs are in fact incredibly dangerous and it’s much more beneficial to stick what looks like a hot glue gun into your ear and suck out the wax instead. Q-TIPS: NATURE’S DEADLIEST PREDATOR. This is why I want to burn the As Seen On TV stores popping up in every shitty mall in the country TO THE GROUND. Lemme tell you, if you’re stupid enough to pop your own eardrum with a f------ Q-Tip, I guarantee you that sticking a piece of machinery in there is not going to lead to better results for you. Meanwhile, Devon has a board meeting with Aces & Eights, stressing that under no circumstances should their masks ever come off. No kidding, at their current pace we’re only gonna be learning the identity of one of these geeks per month. They pick a victim with a dartboard tonight. I hear the WWE writing room works the same way. World TV title: Samoa Joe v. Rob Terry Rob shrugs off the chops and elbows Joe down, but Joe bitchslaps the s--- out of him until Rob catches him with a spinkick. Terry goes for a chokeslam, but Joe reverses to the choke. Rob fights out twice, but Joe jumps him on like the monkey on Jeff Hardy’s back and sinks it in until he taps at 2:12. * Joe continues to roll. Meanwhile, Kurt Angle suggests that Bully is probably too focused on Devon and thus shouldn’t get the title shot tonight. So Bully gives up his shot and goes after Devon instead. These segments are getting dumber all the time. Austin Aries v. Mr. Anderson I’m glad we’ve got a bit of backstory now for this, even if it was only a backstage segment where they get in other’s faces and brawl for a bit. It makes the match mean SOMETHING, no matter how little. They fight for the lockup and Anderson gets so worked up that he pulls BRASS KNUCKLES out of his tights, which are promptly taken away by the ref. Aries is APPALLED at cheating demonstrated here, and the crowd chants “Cheater” at Anderson as well. Anderson instead gets a slam and elbow for two, but Aries rakes his eyes on the ropes to take over. AA tosses him and follows with the suicide dive, as we take a break. Back with Aries hitting a running elbow into the corner, but Anderson slugs back before running into a boot. Aries drops a knee for two. Anderson fights back again, and Aries does some dramatic bumping for his elbows. Neckbreaker sets up the Lambeau Leap, but Aries escapes, so Anderson puts him on the floor with a high kick and follows with a dive. Back in, that gets two. Aries tackles the ref and STEALS THE KNUCKLES, but Anderson gets them and the ref confiscates them again. Aries apparently knocks him out with a punch (was he supposed to have the knuckles?) and fakes a near fall for Anderson, then hooks the Last Chancery for the win at 13:00. I didn’t really get that finish and neither did the crowd. Pretty good action, but something went really wrong on that finish. **1/2 Knockouts title: Tara v. Miss Tessmacher Tess stomps her down for two, but stops to argue with Jesse and Tara gets the sneak attack. Tara stomps away and slingshots in with a legdrop in between kissy-face sessions, but Tessmacher makes the comeback. Stinkface in the corner sets up a middle rope carpet muncher, but Jesse pulls her out of the ring. Back in, Tara finishes with the Widow’s Peak at 3:49 to retain. And onto ODB we go. Jesse & Tara v. ODB & Young should be a fun dynamic, actually. *1/2 Meanwhile, Joseph Park wants back in the ring again for revenge on the Aces, so he gives Hulk a release so that TNA won’t be responsible for injuries. Bully Ray is out, and he wants an explanation from Devon. Devon and his new friends come out to respond, and he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, but he’ll give one anyway. It’s because Hogan is a douche who didn’t help him when his contract was up and he was without a job. I should note that one of the Aces is clearly Garrett Bischoff. Bet he’s the next one unmasked. Bully goes on an AWESOME rant about how the Motor City Machine Guns kicked out of 3D in their last match, and that’s why he turned on Devon in the first place. Bully is just tremendous, single-handedly making this crappy angle into something interesting. Bully wants a fight right now, but Devon will only do it on his terms. So next week, Bully is issuing the challenge for Open Fight Night. Christian York is next week’s Gut Check. Kind of an interesting twist by putting an actual name in there. He’s jealous of Joey Matthews (Mercury)’s success, although that’s setting your jealousy bar kind of low. TNA World title: Jeff Hardy v. Kurt Angle Hardy with an armdrag and he works on the arm to start, but Angle slugs away in the corner. Hardy fires back with the mule kick for two. Legdrop into the seated dropkick gets two. Angle drops Hardy on the top rope and sends him to the floor, and we take a break. Back with Angle holding a chinlock, but they clothesline each other. Hardy comes back with the flying forearm and headscissors out of the corner to put Angle on the floor. Nice clothesline off the apron follows. Back in, the Whisper gets two. Twist of Fate is reversed to the rolling germans, which get two. Angle Slam is reversed to the Twist and Hardy goes up, but Angle hits him with the pop up superplex for two. Angle with a MONSTER powerbomb for two. Where did THAT come from? Anklelock, but Hardy rolls out and goes up again, and this time whiffs on the swanton. Angle Slam gets two. Angle’s facials are just tremendous, as this dude has some fire. Hardy escapes another german and hits the Twist stunner, then the classic one, and finishes by finally hitting the swanton…for two. Thought that was it. Angle backdrops him out of the ring and the man is spitting up blood but HE DOESN’T CARE. He wants the title, motherfucker. Angle pulls down the straps, but Hardy rolls him up for the pin to retain at 13:30. Angle might be crazy and half-crippled, but he brings the goods. **** Austin Aries blindsides Hardy and cashes in his rematch clause at the Turning Point PPV. And he takes the real belt with him for safekeeping. Aces & Eights launch their promised attack backstage, and Angle is the victim. The Pulse Whew. Last week was just an aberration, as this was a much breezier two hours of wrestling, with interesting storylines and a hell of a main event. And Bully Ray is just great at whatever he does lately.