The SmarK RAW Rant–08.13.12

The SmarK RAW Rant – 08.13.12 Live from Dallas, TX Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler CM Punk v. Big Show I’ve finally decided what CM stands for: Curtain-jerking Main-eventer. Thank god Show has done away with the camouflage tights, since I kept losing sight of him in the foliage. Show pounds Punk down and chokes away on the ropes, but Punk ineffectively fights back until Show slams him. Show works the arm a bit, but Punk fights back again with kicks and dodges a charge in the corner. Show comes back with a spear…which brings out Daniel Bryan? The crowd goes BERSERK, although to be fair they’ve been pretty quiet so far. Bryan rants to the announcers while Show tries to go up, but Punk kicks him down and hits the springboard clothesline for two. And Bryan runs in for the DQ at 5:57, laying out Punk with the No-Lock. *1/2 Cena makes the save, and this all brings out GMAJ to set up a tag team main event tonight. Meanwhile, JTG complains to Kaitlyn about not having a match on the 3 hour RAWs, so AJ skips by and gives him one. Ryback v. JTG I think it’s kind of hilarious when they have guys go out and bitch about the lack of opportunity and then book them to be squashed as punishment. Kind of proves the point, no? Ryback now has “Feed me more” mixed into his music. He actually gets the crowd chanting it before finishing with the usual (Sin City Slam?) at 1:50. That’ll teach JTG to know his place. Meanwhile, Roddy Piper has a word with Shawn Michaels. Heath Slater v. R-Truth Truth slugs away and gets a hiptoss, but Slater hits him with the neckbreaker for two. Funny bit with Lawler questioning Slater playing air guitar, and Cole clarifies that he’s the one man band, so he plays all instruments. Truth finishes him with the Little Jimmy at 1:45. The Primetime Playaz lay him out for the heat afterwards, so the title match is still on at Summerslam even without AW. Meanwhile, Mark Henry touts from the Olympics. And apparently Robbie E has jumped from TNA to be the Social Media Ambassador tonight! But where’s Rob Terry? And the video packages begin, as they recap the Del Rio-Sheamus situation. Sin Cara v. Tensai I think X-Pac Heat might be becoming Tensai Heat at this point. Even I’m groaning at home when he’s announced now. Apparently the upcoming Piper’s Pit vote is the “most socially active decision in WWE history”. What the fuck does that even MEAN? Tensai tosses Cara around, but collides with Racial Stereotype and gets pinned with a DDT at 1:00. Which he promptly no-sells after the loss by popping up and destroying Random Task. ½* What was the point of even putting this on TV? Piper’s Pit with Chris Jericho, as voted by Twitter. Ziggler quickly interrupts and points out that Piper is just sad after years of doing the same show. They go back and forth with nothing to say, and Miz interrupts them, because see all three guys were in the poll so they had to involve them all even if it doesn’t make sense. Basically people got to vote what order the three people came out for the segment in. So Miz decides to take over the show, and Jericho clears the ring. This was a whole lot of nothing. The Miz v. Chris Jericho v. Dolph Ziggler So it’s a three-way leading to the singles match on Sunday. OK then. This was announced on Twitter during the commercial break, of course. Also Miz v. Mysterio for the IC title was announced for Summerslam, which also makes sense given that they have no history and both guys did a job last week and thus are equally losers. Jericho quickly dumps Ziggler and hits Miz with a suplex for two. Ziggler jumps Jericho and the heels work him over for a bit. Ziggler drops an elbow for two, but Miz makes the save. Why do any of them care who wins? Jericho recovers and tosses the heels, and Cole clarifies that there’s no DQs or countouts in triple threat matches. I don’t even know where to start with that statement. And we take a break. Back with Miz controlling with a chinlock and that goes on for a while. Cole notes that this is important because Jericho needs to build momentum. Lemme buy that PPV right now! Jericho gets the Lionsault on Miz and they do the Tower of Doom superplex, and Ziggler gets two on Jericho. Fameasser gets two. Miz hits Ziggler with the Finale for two, but Jericho hooks him in the Walls, forcing Miz to counter out of it. Ziggler breaks it up and Jericho gives him the codebreaker for two. Miz cradles Jericho for two, but he reverses into the Walls and Miz taps with the ref distracted. Zig Zag finishes for Dolph at 13:00. Holy crap, Ziggler actually wins a match! Of course, Dolph just pinned Jericho clean and there’s nothing on the line at the PPV, so you’d think that settles that. *** Meanwhile, CM Punk clarifies to Eve that he’s not wearing the black hat, he’s still the same guy who’s been champion for months now. And then we replay the ENTIRE SEGMENT that opened the show. Meanwhile, Shawn is distracted and can’t talk to Cena, but Punk can. Wade Barrett teaches us about the first two rules of his Barrage. Life is Pain. I’m pumped to have an old-timey bare-knuckle brawler character so I can use FISTICUFFSMANSHIP on a regular basis again. Kaitlyn & Layla v. Beth Phoenix & Eve Torres Beth gets a press slam on Layla, but gets rolled up for two as a result. Eve comes in and Layla takes her down and works a headlock, then stops to dance for some reason. I guess her character is that she’s fun-loving now. Over to Kaitlyn with a backbreaker on Eve for two as the babyfaces are getting the heat on the heel for some reason. Cole thinks that Kaitlyn is a future Divas Champion. EVERYONE is a future champion! They just trade that thing around based on whose turn it is, like lunchroom cleaning duty at work. Finally Kaitlyn gets trapped in the corner and worked over. Kaitlyn suddenly comes back and rolls up Beth for the pin at 4:22. Zzzzz. * More important than the title, however, is that Kaitlyn wrestles Eve on Smackdown to see who can become the second assistant to Booker T! These writers deserve a raise, all of them! In case you missed it over and over and over again the past few weeks, another look at Brock v. HHH! Meanwhile, an empty parking lot! Nothing’s happening, but something MIGHT! Did You Know that WWE has 75 of the top 100 sports DVDs? Funny, I thought they specifically WEREN’T sports? Except when they are, of course. Big Show & Daniel Bryan v. John Cena & CM Punk The reactions that D-Bry are getting are something else. Cena starts with Bryan, but Punk quickly tags himself in and they trade hiptosses. Cena tags himself in now and Show wants in, so Bryan yells NO at him. And then the crowd yells “Yes” at Bryan in response. This is kind of brilliant. Finally Show gets himself in there and whips Cena around the ring, and we take a break. Back with Show beating on Cena until he manages to tag Punk back in, and then he disappears when Punk needs the tag back! No wonder Punk is so bitter! So now the heels beat on Punk, but Bryan tags himself back in and continues being the most entertaining part of the match, throwing kicks on Punk while chanting NO. Punk puts him down with a kick of his own and does Cena’s FIVE MOVES OF DOOM, but Cena tags himself in and does Punk’s signatures. So Punk wishes him luck and walks out with his belt, allowing Bryan to roll him up for two. But of course, Cena overcomes the odds and pins Bryan with the FU at 12:23, because that’s what he does. And it’s his turn to stand tall. **1/4 Damien Sandow v. Christian Sandow attacks and gets a legsweep and corkscrew elbow for two. Christian quickly comes back and slugs him down, then hits the elbow off the middle rope for two. Sandow escapes the Killswitch by running away, and suckers Christian into a charge outside so he can send him into the stairs. This brings out Brodus Clay and Christian gets two. Sandow finishes Christian with the neckbreaker at 2:09. Finally someone isn’t an idiot when their enemy’s music hits! But then he is the intellectual savior of the WWE, so you’d hope he’d be smarter. * Contract Signing: Brock and Heyman come out and Paul goes on and ON about nothing in particular, calling out Shawn for some reason. Why is Shawn even here if he’s so worried about getting beaten up by Brock? Luckily, HHH comes out and signs the contract, and Brock leaves. And we’ve still got 20 minutes left. Meanwhile, Shawn gives HHH some words of adv ice and takes off to go fishing or whatever. But then we cut back to him leaving, where Heyman’s car cuts him off and Brock does something to him behind a camera cut. We take a break and return with Brock carrying Shawn to the for an F5 and then threatening him with a kimura. Heyman tells HHH not to take another step, but Brock breaks the arm anyway. Perhaps if HHH had sold his own broken arm for more than a week people might give a shit about this broken arm. The Pulse: What the hell was supposed to happen for the last half hour if Brock hadn’t attacked Shawn? This Summerslam is going to bomb so hard.