The Dark Knight: Extreme Rules


On many occasions you’ve mocked the WWE booking by asking why they couldn’t produce a monster heel the way that Christopher Nolan did.  In doing so, I think you miss the point.  We had it.  And it was awesome.  You even said so… until the finish you didn’t like.  But let me recap the Cena/Lesnar feud, only using the names of DC people to show you the movie you got.


Batman {John Cena} has just been vanquished in an Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny against Superman {The Rock}.  The citizens of Gotham {The WWE Universe} see Superman as their hero and begin to question whether Batman is even necessary.  Even Batman is left with doubt.  And at this moment, enter Bane {Brock Lesnar}, who swoops in and, in full view of the public, delivers a first-rate beating to Batman.  Here comes a new monster criminal, and he dispatched of Batman like Batman wasn’t even there.The fans begin to think: if only Superman were still around.  But Superman is off to Metropolis {Hollywood} to make sure Lex Luthor {Uwe Boll} doesn’t start any evil.
Bane is ready to begin his reign of terror, but every time he starts to begin mayhem, Batman is right back, doing what he can to hold him off.  Then, with a single shot, Bane makes Batman bleed.  Batman loses his cool and rushes Bane, and it takes every single Gotham police officer {the WWE locker room} to restore order after the resulting stalemate.  However, Bane makes one thing clear to Batman: Bane was holding back.
As weeks go by, we see less of Batman’s might and more of Bane’s.  He begins to taunt Batman {“I’m an asskicker”}, leaving the Gothamites thinking their hero is past it.  The mental toll gets so bad that a lesser thug {Tensai} actually gets away with his crime after he and his minions {Sakamoto} defeat Batman in a fight.  Gotham is stunned; their hero has lost it.  And Superman?  Nowhere to be found.  Gotham is doomed.
At Wayne Manor, Bruce is sitting in a chair, head in his hands, mentally broken.  He’s trying to write off Bane as being too big a threat for one man, justifying to himself that the city’s villains should win.  Just as all is lost, he receives a visitor from his past: Nightwing {Edge}.  Nightwing berates Bruce for losing heart, reminding him of all the trouble Bruce helped him through in recovering from the past.  He reminds Batman — never calling him Bruce Wayne, even at Bruce’s insistence — that Bane must be stopped for the good of the city.  And that even when the rest of Gotham has abandoned him, Nightwing knows Batman can do it. 
Silently, Bruce Wayne rises and puts his cowl back on.  He arrives at City Hall just as Bane is demanding control of the city from Commissioner Gordon’s deputy {John Laurinaitis}.  With one appearance, he declares that there will be no ransom, no plunder, and no blackmail.  He WILL destroy Bane and restore peace to Gotham.  Bane challenges him to a fight at sundown {Extreme Rules}.
Sundown arrives, and as Batman marches to the appointed place, Bane strikes from nowhere and knocks Batman into the wall, reprising the bloody shot from earlier.  Throughout the fight, Bane dominates, but his insistence on trying to cripple Batman means that he never hits the killshot.  Every time Bane is certain he has Batman beat, Batman stands back up and asks for more.  In the end, Bane’s arrogance gets the best of him.See, during the final fight, Batman’s utility belt flies off.  Bane has it in his hands — all of Batman’s weapons — and tosses it aside, certain he doesn’t need it.  Batman uses the distraction to activate a weapon from the belt remotely, which fires into Bane, stunning him.  Batman then musters up enough for one final coup de grace… and as it lands, both men are down.  Batman slowly sits up; Bane doesn’t.
Gotham police arrive on the scene, cleaning up the mess.  They’re followed by curious onlookers.  Bane is placed in cuffs and hauled off to Arkham.  The police call for an ambulance to tend to Batman… but with a pithy one-liner, Batman brushes them off and hobbles to the Batmobile.  The job is done.  Roll credits.
Seriously, Scott, how was that a bad movie?  Because Bane lost?  That seemed to be your major complaint.  You wanted Batman to lose a Batman movie.  Was that all?

You’re wacky.  But I really enjoyed your font.