The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant–07.16.12

The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 07.16.12 (Poll update: Old Disqus is winning pretty handily at this point, so if you’re in support of New you’d better vote now!) Live from Las Vegas, NV Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler CM Punk starts us out, and he loves Las Vegas, as he reminisces about dropping his famous pipebomb a year ago. Big Show interrupts, whining about how he ALMOST won MITB, but Punk points out that he lost, just like he always does. Show doesn’t care about us or our respect, and he makes it clear that he’s going to beat up Punk tonight and knock him out, so that Cena can cash in on him. WWE tag titles: Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. The Primetime Playaz Titus pounds on Kofi in the corner to start while AW continues his insightful commentary (“There you go!” “C’mon referee!”). Truth comes in and takes over on Young with a legdrop, and Kofi gets a bodypress for two. A double baseball slide puts the heels on the floor and Kofi hits them with a somersault dive as we take a break. Back with Kofi getting cut off in the heel corner as Titus lays the beating on him. AW stops to work on Young’s hair in a cute spot, but Kofi makes the hot tag to Truth. AW distracts the ref, but Truth finishes Titus with the Little Jimmy anyway at 8:00. The Playaz try to steal the belts, but can’t even do THAT right. So they win their #1 contender status, then lose every match since then, including their title shot. And they wonder why no one gets over. *1/2 Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan wants to share his feelings with AJ, but Eve interrupts to announce a Bryan & AJ v. Eve & Mystery Partner tag match tonight. I’m not even going to dignify the Tout b------- with a comment on it. Zack Ryder v. Alberto Del Rio I’ll give Zack 90 seconds. ADR beats on him in the corner, takes him down with the armbar, and chokes him out on the ropes. To the floor, where Del Rio pounds on the arm outside, and back in to finish at 90 SECONDS EXACTLY. Holy s---, I’m even better than I thought. ADR continues the beatdown, but Rey Mysterio returns to save, although he stops to do his full pyro routine before going down to help the poor bastard. Del Rio quickly takes a 619. Nice to see they actually remembered who put him out. Heath Slater v. Rikishi Rikishi is looking basically the same as his glory years. Heath quickly gets a Stinkface and buttdrop at 1:07. They’re nuts if they don’t bring out Brodus Clay here. Instead, we get the Usos, which is actually a much better idea, and hopefully they run with it. Daniel Bryan & AJ v. Eve & The Miz I think there would have been a certain synergy to having Zack Ryder be the partner, but obviously they’re trying to shuffle the deck before Summerslam. Bryan leads the crowd in the Yes chant during his entrance, so I guess they’re letting him do the face turn. Miz has got the Michael Biehn thing going on now with his new haircut, which is good because he needed a new look in the worst way. Bryan fires away on Miz with kicks in the corner, but Miz puts him down with a knee. Over to Eve and AJ next, as Eve boots her down for two and chokes her in the corner, but AJ comes back with spinkicks and a Shining Wizard. Miz breaks it up, so AJ dropkicks him off the apron and makes the crazy eyes at him. Eve cradles AJ while the ref is distracted by Miz, and Bryan rolls them over to put AJ on top at 2:46. This was fine. *1/2 Daniel finally pops the question after the match, complete with ring, which is kind of a weird and abrupt character turn. AJ accepts, so I guess we’re having a wedding next week. Jack Swagger v. Ryback Swagger quickly attacks and hits the doctorbomb and pump splash, but Ryback kicks out of the anklelock. Ryback no-sells and hits the clothesline and a triple powerbomb, and Swagger leaves without a decision rendered because the bell never rang. That was stupid. Speaking of stupid, TOUT TOUT TOUT TOUT TOUT TOUT TOUT. Dolph Ziggler gets PROMO TIME. Holy crap! He promises to win the World title and be better than Bret Hart, Steve Austin or the Rock. This prompts Chris Jericho to interrupt as we’re just FLYING through all the new marriages. Dolph immediately takes umbrage to being interrupted and points out that Jericho hasn’t won anything lately, and he’s losing his touch. Jericho lays him out with the codebreaker as a result. So I guess that’s a face turn for Jericho. Bet he fought that one as hard as he could. Brodus Clay v. JTG They put a break in between the entrances for THIS match? NEWSFLASH: Next week Christian defends the IC title because of a fan vote. Or he could just defend it for the sake of defending it. Clay with his usual offense to start, but JTG clips the knee and pounds away before inevitably succumbing to the big splash at 2:23. It’s been, what, SEVEN MONTHS of this now? Can they really not find ANYTHING for Brodus to do other than squash low-level guys? CM Punk v. Big Show Punk kicks at Show’s legs, but eats a headbutt. Show continues pounding him on the floor, but Punk sends him into the post. Back in, Show headbutts him down again to cut off a comeback and gets a slam, but Punk fights back with a sleeper. Show casually puts him down with a sideslam, but misses a pump splash. Punk makes the comeback and Show cuts him off AGAIN with a backdrop. Punk ducks the knockout punch and hits Show with a series of kicks and three knees in the corner. Show misses a charge and Punk hits him with the flying elbow for two. Show cuts him off again with the chokeslam for two and shoves the ref for the DQ at 9:19. Reminded me a lot of the Andre-Savage matches from 88, which varied wildly in quality depending on Andre’s mood that night. **1/2 No shock that we got a crappy finish there. Cena makes the save and teases cashing in, but he’s too good of a person, and instead announces that he’s cashing in NEXT WEEK. It’s RAW 1000, you know. The Pulse: The wrestling was all shitty as usual, but at least the entertainment portion was entertaining and it was a pretty breezy show to get through. I liked the Rikishi stuff, the Rey return, and the fact that they did a bunch of DIFFERENT stuff as far as setting up Summerslam programs. That at least bodes well for the 1000th show next week. The endless Tout ads were insufferable, though.