This Week With Caliber

Star: Hulk Hogan
Year: 1989
Director: Thomas J. Wright
This week, we’re celebrating the release of No Holds Barred on DVD. I’d never seen this film before, and although I’d read about it a time or two, nothing could prepare me for it. 
Man is this one hell of a terrible film.

Before we get into this, I want to say that this film has one theme spread through out, and that’s people having the weirdest expressions without any sort of context for them. Did anyone else notice this? Through out the article I’ll post’em, so you guys can get the true feeling of what happens when no holds are barred. Also, you know it’s an awesome film when the tag line is “No ring, no ref, no rules” and the movie starts and ends in a ring.

Much like Hulk, I find it odd that he
wasn’t able to land big time acting gigs. I mean, right off the bat
he flexes his acting muscles by playing the dominating World
Wrestling Federation champion. Seriously, everything is the same as
on actual wrestling TV, except Hogan is named Rip, and wears white
like in the old days. Sure, Charlize Theron gets the Oscar for her
transformation into Aileen Wuornos, but Hulk gets the snub when he
does a feet of the same magnitude 15 years earlier when he
transformed into Hulk.
Rip is taking on a fellow whom The
Body says is the number 1 contender for the championship, but he
looks more like the #1 contender to duck child support payments. So,
Rip makes short work of this guy, and retains the strap. The whole World watches him celebrate, and amongst that crowd, in a studio not
too far away, is the World’s most evil chairman, Brell. Rip is number
one in the ratings, and Brell wants him dammit! There’s no mention of
Brell having a wrestling company. So apparently he just wants Rip to
come over and either host Entertainment Tonight, or replace David Garrison in Married….With Children. In the course of 5 minutes or so, Brell refers
to Rip as a “jock-ass” 3 times. Seriously, he says it so many times,
that you just know the writer of the film thought this was his
ticket. He flew away from the typewriter and woke up his wife:
“HONEY! Pack the bags! We’re moving
to Hawaii and we’re gonna buy it! I’ve got THEE insult! This’ll carry
our bloodline for years! Jock-Ass!”
So, Rip shows up, and Brell talks nice,
but soon loses his patients, and offers Rip a blank check. Rip
stuffs it in Brell’s mouth, and is off. Once he’s out of ear shot,
Brell tells the guys to send Rip to “the garage”. Oh snaps. The
Garage is where people who don’t want to sign contracts go to learn a
lesson. Anyway, he’s taken there, but
they have completely under estimated Rip and his ability to leap out of a steel plated limo sun roof. He busts out
and kicks some heavy-duty booty. If I were one of the guys who were
hired to beat this guy up, I’d immediately run away when I saw the
guy was dressed like a gay-porno version of Flash Gordon. He makes
light work of the guys, and gives the film one of it’s oddest moments
as he’s seemingly turning into a werewolf, by growling and snarling
and looking like he’s about to perform an Animality when he grabs the
Rip doesn’t call the cops or anything,
and seemingly chalks this up to the normal going-ons in the world of
TV. Hell, I heard Trebeck had to fight Sajak for the right to host
Jeopardy in a Kickboxer style match where they glued glass to their
hands. And mustache. Anyways, Rip is now at a meeting where all of
his people are trying to figure out a way to earn some more cash. The
person running the meeting is a female, whom Rip is immediately infatuated with, and it’s easy to see why. I mean, flat chest, no other
curves anywhere, wearing a suit that looks like a tarp, and
an average face that’s the cherry on top of this vastly average maiden.
I mean, she’s probably gonna make Rip & the audience fall in love
with her even more with average intelligence, wit, and talent. Hot
damn. Hell, she probably makes a solid $15k a year, too. But let’s
get back on track here. She & Rip go to a fancy place to talk
turkey, and she thinks that Rip is out of his element. Naturally,
since this is made in 1989, we get the awesome French waiter who’s a
total snob. I’m shocked that they didn’t do a gag where Rip orders
something, and when he gets, he takes a bite, but then she tells him
it’s snails, to which he does the vomit take. But, we’ll save that
sort of high-level humor for The Big Bang Theory. Then, because this
film is odd, the entire staff clears out to celebrate the wonder that
is Rip, because he frequents this place a lot. 
On the flip side of the coin, the
bad-guy side, we find Brell & company heading to the No Count
Bar. In the middle of this establishment there’s a octagon ring set
up with ropes & tires. Some hillbillies do battle, make fun of
execs with small dicks, a midget throws peanuts, and Brell sees
dollar signs. Why do I get the feeling that I’ll be reading that
exact same paragraph in Jeff Jarrett’s biography someday? Well, Brell
decides that this needs to become national, and hosts what he calls
The Battle Of The Tough Guys. We get ourselves a hillbilly, a truck
driver, a guy who pulls anchor chain for a living, a pool player who
hates walnuts, and our main man DeeBo, aka Zeus. He comes in, and
dominates. Although to be honest, I would have put money on the guy
who pulls anchor chain, because it looked like he took a
hair-straightener to his arm-pit hair. Seriously, when he puts his
arms up for an axe-handle, his arm pits look like a spread from
1970’s Hustler. Well, in the words of HL Mencken “Nobody ever went
broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people “ as
BOTG becomes a massive hit, and Zeus let’s it known that he wants
But he’s gonna have to get in line,
because Samantha, the corporate chick, has the hots for the man in blue & white..
Seriously, this is the exchange between Brell & Zeus after he beats up Rip’s brother. This goes on for like, 20 seconds. It’s the oddest damn thing in the world.
 Well, while Rip &
Samantha are at a local diner, 2 thugs decide to hold it up. However,
they’re no match for Rip as he moves at the speed of crapMPH, and
throws food at them. I mean, what are they to do?! They only have
guns! Had they some pies or something, they may have stood a chance,
but unfortunately they only had GUNS. So, he makes light work of
them, and the day is saved. Later they end up staying in a hotel
together, with neither one willing to make the first move. Well,
strike that. Samantha makes the first move by wearing some lingerie
from what appears to be Victoria’s Secret – Over 80 Years Old &
Still Sexy collection. Amazingly, the sexy diaper doesn’t work, and
Rip goes to sleep. Samantha soon follows, but then wakes up to Rip’s
side of the bed bouncing up & down quickly. She takes a peak,
only to find Rip doing the quickest push-ups ever. What’s the deal
with this? I mean, were we suppose to think that Rip is jacking off?
Why would he wake up and decide to do push-ups? Only I do that. 
Rip even has an outfit for times of sadness. Who the hell else can say that?
Well, love is never perfect, as it
turns out Samantha was a spy sent by Brell to seduce Rip. But ah ha!
Rip’s 24 inch love pythons got Samantha in a love head-lock, and she
can no longer be evil. Now, Brell being the perfect 80’s bad-ass does
the big-time back-hand slap. The only thing better would have been if
he hit her, and she just kept her head-turned, while he drags his
hand down the side of her face and is all “why do you make me do
that?”. So, as it goes for probably all big time TV execs, his spy
runs out of the office, and he sends a guy to rape her. The most
cliché of life situations. 
Seriously, an adult saw this expression and said “Perfect! Print it!”. Whatever happened to those neck-braces? They were the awesome, classic staple of any 80’s/90’s sitcom where someone was faking an injury.
 So, after this, and Rip’s brother
being beat to hell, he finally accepts Zeus’ challenge to have the
longest, and most boring fight in TV history. Watch as Zeus reals
back to deliver a most devastating scream! Rip then has no choice but
to answer back with a look of unhappiness, as Zeus keeps up the
punishment with a pose! This seriously goes on for about a week
before Zeus falls about 30 stories, Brell ends up getting eaten by
the computer-machine from Superman 3, and I end up wishing I’d watched No
Retreat, No Surrender instead.
Man Movie Tally:
1-Liners: 1
Guys Beat-Up: 20
Killed: 1
Swear Words: 1
Boobies: 0
Explosions: 4
Slow-Motion Scenes: 27
Car Chases: 0
Foot Chases: 0
Broken Bones: 0
Fight/Shoot-Out at Motel: No
Guy Get Girl: Yes
Guy Smoke: No
Rip: [he stuffs a
check in Brell’s mouth]
I won’t be around
when this check [cheque?] clears!
On an
$8 million dollar budget, No Holds Barred was released by New Line
Cinemas on June 2nd,
1989. It reached 1,318 theaters and earned the #2 spot for the
weekend by earning $4,957,052. It was beaten out by Indiana
Jones & The Last Crusade, which was in it’s 2nd week
of release. At the end of it’s run, No Holds Barred brought in
Hogan & Vince didn’t like the first
draft of the script, so they stayed up for 48 hours straight
re-writing it.
Hogan actually cut his hand during the
spot where he attacks the mirror with the projected image of Zeus.
Well, that’s the price you pay for such pivotal scenes.
C’mon Bennet, Let’s Party!:
Honestly, this is the weirdest film
I’ve ever seen. Sure, there are films that are more odd, but they
were made with that intention. In the world of films that were made
to be coherent, straight-forward action summer blockbusters, this is
the weirdest goddamn film ever. I mean, I could go on all day about
how little anything makes sense, and how odd everyone acts. It’s
scary to think that grown adults watched this as a final cut and said
“Ship it!”. The joke of Hogan jacking off, all of the weird
looks, the final fight being so boring it took up 3 hours of a 90
minute film. They saw all of this and said “Ship it!”. This film
is absolute crap, and truly only worth it if you have some friends
with you, and at least one of’em has a letter shaved into his head.
ZERO Head-Butts out of 5. 
Alright, that’s all for this week. If you guys want some more Man Movie Encyclopedia action, just follow the links…
Str8 Gangster, No Chaser – Recently updated with an interview with a Muslim. There’s also MME articles, movie reviews, Top 4 articles, and the rants & ravings of a mad-man. 
WCW In The Year 2000 – I have a bad feeling about this…
The Man Movie Encyclopedia Vol. 1 – You get 30 films, in the exact style you just read. It holds a 5 star rating with 4 reviews. It’s been endorsed by Scott Keith himself, with a slew of other kind words from other respected peeps on the way. 
@HulkInThe80s – Not me, but Hulkster told me if I give him a shout out, when he reaches 100 followers, he’ll plug the MME. So, fair exchange. Plus, I think it’s really f------ funny.