Assorted May-Per-View Countdown: WCW Slamboree 1997

(I could have sworn I did a redo of this show that wasn’t terrible, but I can’t find anything, so we’re stuck with the 1997 original rant.  Prepare yourself.)  William Shakespeare once wrote of sound and fury signifying nothing. Those were eloquent words. Slamboree was a three hour waste of time that didn’t even have sound and fury to keep the viewer’s interest. I’m not one to toss around phrases like “boring pile of s---” and “total waste of airtime” and “worst PPV of the year” but I think, realistically speaking, that all three apply quite nicely to this insult to the intelligence that was masquerading as a PPV. (Yeah, but Starrcade 97 was still to come.)  Even discounting for the moment the fact that I’m a WWF fan more than anything, I can still watch a show objectively, and this was a really, really, bad show. (My vitriol has died off a lot in the years since, given that I don’t remember a single thing about this show.)  How bad? Well… Opening match: Steven Regal v. Ultimo Dragon (TV title) This was the best match of the card, and that’s not saying much. And it was the start of a pattern tonight, because this was a looooooooong match. Around 20 minutes, I think. Steven Regal is not made for long matches. To be honest, the Militant Canucklehead contingent lost interest pretty quick and turned to discussing the Simpsons while this was going on, so I’m not even going to give it a star rating. (That’ll show them!)  At any rate, Steve Regal eventually hits the Regal Stretch for the submission and his fourth TV title, although at this point you’d be hard pressed to find someone who cares about that title anymore. (Oh, just wait.)  This was a SHITTY choice for an opening match, that much I’m sure of. Madusa v. Luna Vachon (Women’s title) We spent more time making jokes about the implants than watching the match here. Luna has, uh, developed rather dramatically since her appearance in ECW. Both women phone this one in, and that’s saying something considering that neither is particularly good to begin with. Madusa wins with the German suplex, I think there’s some kind of angle involving the championship belt, but who really cares?  (Yeah, that title disappeared right after this.)  Randy Savage comes out for an interview, DDP comes out to accept the challenge, Savage runs away, nWo runs in, DDP takes them out with a crutch, nWo gets the advantage, Giant cleans house. Whatever. This advanced nothing. Savage and DDP don’t like each other. Well, duh. Waste of five minutes.  Rey Mysterio v. some Japanese guy whose name I don’t remember. (That would be someone from WAR named Yuji Yasuraoka, who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry and apparently was out of the business soon after this.  Usually when I’m bitchy about Japanese guys I don’t recognize, it turns out to be someone famous years later, but in this case it was just a guy.)  Why the f--- was this on a PPV? For $27.95, you’d think WCW would deign to at least allow the fans to watch Rey beat someone who they know. Stick this crap on Nitro, but not in the middle of a major show. Rey wins, big f------ deal. I mean, I’m as much a fan of workrate as anyone, but I’d least like to see some name guys on a big show like this. Instead I get Rey Jr. against some kid who just had his debut match in WCW last night.  (It was probably a damn good match, but I can’t really be bothered to check YouTube and find out.)  But it gets worse! Yes, it is possible! I may have the order wrong here, btw. Jeff Jarrett v. Dean Malenko (US title) Sorry, folks, but Jeff Jarrett is just not on the same level as Dean Malenko. And this was one incredibly dull match. Jarrett tried the figure four like, 14 times in this match, finally hitting it near the end. The match ends when Jarrett gets tossed from the ring somehow, Steve MacMichael tosses him back in, and Malenko puts him out of his misery. Again, I ask, so what? This advanced nothing. We’re an hour and a half into this drek and nothing of note has happened yet. (Also no star ratings or significant match recaps even.)  This stupid Horsemen angle has been going on forever. Either split up and get back together or something. (They went with “split up” after September.)  And what happened to the big Benoit-Guerrero-Malenko hate triangle that was forming last month? (It disappeared into the vortex of suck that was WCW.)  Where did that disappear to? Mortis v. Glacier At least it was short. They do some stuff, Adam Bomb (or Wrath or whatever) runs in for the DQ about two minutes in. Then some kickboxing guy whose name I didn’t catch because picking my nose was infinitely more interesting than this match saves Glacier. (That would be Ernest Miller.)  Canadian Sensation immediately dubbed him “Chocolate Mousse” and I just call him “Mousse” for short. Next match, please. Meng v. Chris Benoit (death match) At this point, it’s a battle to stay awake. This does nothing to help it. Here’s the synopsis: Benoit carries Meng’s fat ass for what seems like half an hour, selling moves that he shrugs off when anyone else does them, until Meng hits the dreaded Tongan Death Grip for the submission! (Well, you know, you have to put Meng over here because, um, well…)  Chris, this is a heartfelt plea: Go to the WWF now. Call Vince McMahon. Call Bret Hart. Get out before it’s too late. The Hart Foundation needs you. Brian Pillman needs a partner. You can escape the madness.  (Well, Pillman and Benoit can certainly form a team now.)  Steiners v. Konan and Hugh Morris. Glorified squash for the Steiners. I think some kind of face turn by one of the Dungeon members was teased, but I’m nearly catatonic due to boredom so I’m not sure. I’m begging to be put out of my misery by now, but the worst was yet to come… Reggie White v. Steve MacMichael. I take every bad thing I said about Scott Putski back. I would gladly, with a smile on my face, watch Scott Putski from now until the end of the decade as long as Reggie White never, ever, ever steps in the ring again. Ever. He f----- up a clothesline. Twice. He was that bad. It took Mongo 20 minutes, and *two* suitcases, to finally put this idiot down for the count. *I* could have taken Reggie White in two minutes, and it takes Mongo *20*????? This was easily the worst PPV match of the year. (I wouldn’t say “easily”, but this was given WAY too much time.)  The “main” event: Roddy Piper, Ric Flair, Kevin Greene v. the Outsiders Oh, god, please let it end. I don’t care if Sting doesn’t come down from the rafters, or if Mr. Perfect doesn’t debut, just LET IT END. (I feel the same way about this rant.)  Here’s the rundown: nWo member comes in, poses, points to a face. Face comes in, poses, points to an nWo member. Repeat for 10 minutes. Insert Syxx’s very gay-looking move (you know the one) which draws a “Faggot” chant from the crowd. (And to think that WWE would make the broncobuster into a major spot for him and GOT IT OVER.)  Ref bump, pier-six brawl, nWo goes down, Nick Patrick comes in, counts the pin on all three nWo members at the same time. Match over. Thank god. Tony and Dusty are gushing about how it’s a major win for WCW, as though this show actually meant something. And that’s it. Roll credits. No Sting, no Hennig, no Raven, no Luger, no Hogan, no point. Thumbs down doesn’t even do this justice. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, memorable about this tripe. I could hardly even remember what matches took place ten minutes after watching it.  (Let alone 15 years later.)  And the scary thing is, I’m sure this won’t even be the harshest review of the show on the ‘net tonight. I’m going to go watch some ECW now to wake myself up… (I’m pretty sure that given a proper review today, this show would come off more as a “thumbs in the middle” deal, but the lack of star power here was really glaring and absolutely nothing memorable occurred, so 1997 Scott has a point.)