Michael's Impact Review

Impact Wrestling on Spike TV

March 22, 2012

The Impact Zone – Orlando, Florida

–  It’s the fallout from a lackluster Victory Road (in my opinion).  Tonight we are on the ROAD TO LOCKDOWN!  Doesn’t have that same ring to it.  Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Taz.

–  Impact begins with the ending of Victory Road and that damned Bobby Roode.  Is that a harpoon on his ass?  Not that I’m staring at the man’s ass or anything, just curious?  Dixie sits in Sting’s lap to stop the violence, yet allows Roode to duct tape Sting to the ropes.  Now still shots due to the male-on-female violence and lots of bleeping.

–  Backstage, Dixie Carter is headed to the ring.  Now the very RARE Impact Opening.  Now live in the Impact Zone and Dixie may break into tears before she cracks the mic.  She doesn’t think he should represent Impact Wrestling as its champion.  She has consulted attorneys and has only option.  Before we hear it, out comes Sting.  He says firing Bobby Roode will let him get off the easy way.  He says no one gets the right kind of revenge if he is fired.  Fan chant “we want re-venge”.  I shake my head.  Sting tells Dixie things aren’t working aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we go to break.

–  Back on Impact and I get caught watching the end of the Syracuse game instead.  Anyways, Sting is in the midst of screaming and doesn’t want to be part-time wrestler and part-time GM.  How about part-time lover?  What, no Stevie Wonder fans out there?  Basically he is stepping down as GM and Dixie starts crying.  Insert a Bubbles “FOR FUCKS SAKE” here.  Sting has a replacement.  Crowd chants for Hogan.  Sting wants to hand it off to the REAL Hulk Hogan.  Dixie is all, “the hell with that”.

–  3 championship matched on tap tonight.  We’ll get to that later…right now, BULLY F------ RAY!  He is pissed and is taking hostages.  Tonight is not the night to stand in his way.

X DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP

1.  Kid Kash vs.   Anthony Nese vs.   Zema Ion vs.  Austin Aries

–  We get Aries intro after ANOTHER break.  Kash and Nese kick it off inside and Nese misses a springboard high cross body.  Kash charges and is backdropped to the floor.  Aries in with Nese chops him in the corner.  Aries charges the corner and eats a boot to the face.  Running knee to the face connects for 2 before Ion breaks up the pin.  Aries dives through the ropes on Ion.  Kid Kash, is not to be out-done, and dives on Aries.  Now Ion with a springboard moonsault to the outside.  The same move that injured Jesse Sorensen.  Now Nese dives over the top on everyone.  Back inside, Kash goes to superplex Nese, Ion under Kash, and ARIES UNDER ION!  Everyone is dead!  Now Bully Ray runs in and clotheslines everyone for the DQ @ 4:35.  (I was digging the match.  Strike a point off Ray’s coolness for that.  C+.)

–  Ray wants everyone to know his name and throws the mic down.

–  Outside, because TNA doesn’t allow Latinos in the arena, Mexican America run into the Repo Man.  Not that Repo Man, but Josh Lewis from Repo Games.  Their car is about to repossessed so they have to answer some questions to get out of the repo.  Their first mistake is leaving it up to Anarquia.  He shits the bed and they buy time by letting Sarita and Rosita get their shot at the Knockout Tag Team Titles, next.

TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

2.  Rosita & Sarita vs.  ODB & Eric Young

–  ODB and EY have scheduled nuptials on April 12.  ODB splashes Rosita in the corner misses the Bronco Buster.  Sarita comes in and boots and elbows her down.  Rosita back in and kicks ODB down.  ODB roars out the corner with a clothesline.  Sarita comes in and gets shoved back.  HOT TAG TO EY!  EY dizzies himself with cartwheels and drops trow.  Sarita and Rosita rubs him down and ODB ain’t liking it.  She belts both women down.  ODB with a fireman’s carry into a neckbreaker on Sarita.  ODB gives EY the business about other girls touching him and kisses him.  She shoves him on top of Sarita and cover gets the win @ 4:17.  (I don’t know which had me stopped dead in the tracks more:  EY’s bikini tights or his bad case of backne?  Oh there was a match too?  DUD!)

–  Backstage, Crimson is watching Matt Morgan’s Direct Auto Insurance commercial.  He said Morgan is more focused on being a Hollywood star that his team.  Ok, not really a stepping stone in Direct Auto commercials.  He says he took out the trash and challenges Morgan next week.  Oh **bleep** Morgan attacks Crimson.  Security tries to break it up and Morgan throws half-assed punches towards everyone.

–  Now replays of Sting from earlier.  And of course, Dixie Carter has no clue what to do backstage.  James Storm is headed our way…next!

–  Back on Impact and Jeff Hardy talks about Kurt Angle and looks like he is falling asleep during his promo.  He challenges Angle at Lockdown.  In walks Chris…err…Joseph Parks.  He asks Jeff if he knows where Abyss is.

–  We see footage of Roode and Storm in the early TNA careers.  Funny seeing Roode and his afro.  Live in the Impact Zone, Cowboy James Storm is in the ring.  Storm is asking many questions with wrong answers.  He says what Roode did to Dixie and Sting was wrong.  Storm says he is the next World Champion and he will right all his wrongs.  He calls out Roode so he can beat the hell out of him.  Out walks a man named William Kelly.  He is Roode’s legal adviser.  He must be important because he has a British accent.  He declares Roode will stay in Toronto until further notice.  He will return at Lockdown.  Storm can’t have a fight with Roode but can choose between Daniels and Kazarian for a match tonight.  Furthermore, Roode will beat Storm at Lockdown.  Storm says he will fight both tonight.  He takes off Kelly’s glasses and has a message for Roode he wants delivered.  Last Call Superkick for Kelly’s troubles and tells him to tell Roode SAYDL.

–  Angle is ranting and raving about having to face Jeff Hardy at Lockdown.  He says no.  He finds out he has to face Garrett Bischoff again…in a 3 minute challenge.  Angle’s response: “I hate your guts”.

3 MINUTE CHALLENGE MATCH

3.  Garret Bischoff vs.  Kurt Angle

–  Shoving match back and forth to begin.  Garret with a clothesline and a flying forearm to Angle.  He grabs Angle’s head and drives it to the mat for 2.  Angle grabs Garret and tosses him to the floor.  Garret stays away from Angle and Gunner tosses him back into the ring and they double team him for the DQ @ 2:35.  (DUD)

–  Jeff Hardy runs in and chases everyone out the ring.  Mexican America challenge for the TNA Tag Team Titles next.

–  Motorcity Machineguns coming soon?

TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP

4.  Mexican America (with Sarita & Rosita) vs.  Magnus and Samoa Joe

–  Joe tries to be a bad ass by sneering at the camera on the way to the ring.  “Joe’s gonna kill you” rings throughout the Impact Zone.  Wow, it’s almost 2006 again.  Joe beats Hernandez down and Magnus comes in with a boot.  Running senton by Joe and Magnus covers for 2.  Anarquia comes in and Magnus decks him back to the corner.  Magnus hits the ropes and Anarquia clotheslines him.  Hernandez come in.  Falling backbreaker gets 2.  Anarquia back in and holds Magnus up for the Leap Frog over the back.  Cover gets 2.  Hernandez with a bearhug on Magnus.  Magnus fights free and runs into a shoudlerblock for 1.  Anarquia comes in and misses a leap frog and Magnus clothesline him down.  HOT TAG TO JOE!  He drops Anarquia.  Anarquia rakes the eyes and Joe moves out the way of a dropkick.  Rear Naked Choke on Anarquia and he taps.  But Rosita and Sarita are on the apron. Josh Lewis pulls the off on his shoulders.  Hernandez breaks up the Choke and goes for the Border Toss.  Magnus with a big boot, Joe snap mares, Magnus with the flying elbow for the win @ 5:27.  (A nice tag match.  The end was a little lame with <insert Spike TV celebrity here>, but still  good match.  C+.)

–  HULK HOGAN IS HERE!

–  Back on Impact and Josh Smith is carrying the girls to his car.  He tells them, “chill out you know what the deal is”.  Sounds like sexual assault to me.  Anarquia takes a WEAK swing at Smith and gets shoved back to Hernandez.  The girls leave with Smith.

–  Now a James Storm music video…JESUS!

MAIN EVENT 

5.  Christoper Daniels & Kazarian vs.  James Storm

–  Daniels tries to attack Storm on the floor and gets hiptossed on the ramp.  Kazarian attacks from behind in the ring.  Double team in the ring for a series of 2s.  Daniels misses a corner charge and LAST CALL SUPERKICKS FOR BOTH MEN!  Storm wins it @ 3:16.  (Short jobberfest.  D+.)

–  Sting, Dixie Carter, and Hulk Hogan all head to the ring for the final segment.

–  Sting comes out and calls Dixie Carter out to hand over the GM job to Hogan.  I smell something fishy, and this time it’s not Dixie.  Dixie comes out to horrible music and Sting asks her to trust Hogan.  Dixie agrees and Sting brings out Hulk Hogan.  Hogan hugs Dixie and Sting.  Sting gets the Impact Zone to chant Hogan’s name.  F--- they would chant for Anarquia if you held up well-lit signs!!  The show is over?  WHAT THE F---?

 

FINAL THOUGHTS…

–  Ummmmm….did I miss something?  For once, I was ready for the swerve and NO PAYOFF?  Somebody hit somebody!!!!  For f---’s sake.  We needed THAT to end the show?  Is this like the end of the Sopranos and you make up your own ending?  That’s what I will do.  “Don’t Stop Believing” is playing and the lights go out.  The lights come back on and Vince Russo is standing atop the Impact Zone with the Wile E. Coyote TNT box.  He pushes the lever down and blows up the Impact Zone, himself, and everyone inside.  Good enough for me!  See you next Thursday.