Tryout: Frankly Speaking

Frankly Speaking By, Frankie P Hello boys and girls. My name is Frankie P. I haven’t done something like this in about 10 years when I used to write this very same column for another website (which has probably gone by the wayside, because honestly it STUNK). Let me tell you a little bit of what this column will be about: It will be about WRESTLING!!! What did you THINK it was gonna be about? Snooki? This will be a mixture of current stuff with retro stuff. I love writing about retro stuff because its fun reliving the memories and mocking some of the ridiculousness of it. Anyway, lets not waste anytime and get right into it, shall we? Ahhhhhh, its that time of year: WrestleMania time. And with WrestleMania comes many memorable moments. This week I will share some memories of the first five Mania’s. Lets see if my once photogenic memory still works. WrestleMania I In the first WM match ever, Tito Santana starts out 1-0 with a huge opening match victory over Playboy Budd…..I mean the Executioner. Any chance of El Matador going undefeated forever at WM are thwarted when he loses every one of his matches over the next 7 years…..It took King Kong Bundy only 23 seconds to squash SD Jones in 9 seconds…..David Sammartino and Brutus Beefcake went to a double countout in a classic that will NEVER be talked about by anyone…..Jesse Ventura kept referring to Gorilla Monsoon as “Gino” which probably confused a lot of people INCLUDING Gorilla…..Lord Alfred Hayes handled the backstage interviews and looked like a deer in headlights. To his credit, he was smooched by The Fabulous Moolah and Lelani Kai. Al, you sly dog…..After Greg Valentine beat the Junkyard Dog by putting his feet on the ropes, Tito Santana came out with a visible erection, which obviously influenced the referee to restart the match. The Hammer refused to get back in the ring, so JYD was awarded the match by countout…..Andre the Giant won $15,000 in his bodyslam challenge match. After the match was over Andre threw most of the obvious fifteen thousand singles that were in Bobby Heenans medium sized duffle bag. Before Andre was done, the Brain stole the bag and whatever money was left in it…..Liberace rang a little crystal bell to signal the start of the main event. He also stared down Hulk Hogan like a lion stares down little children when the are at the zoo. Oh and by the way, Hogan and Mr T defeated Roddy Piper and Paul Orndorff. WrestleMania 2 Three locations, 12 exciting matches, which meant, if you were there live, you were watching television for 2 hours…..In New York: Guest commentator, Susan St James said “watch this” at least 14 times during the Paul Orndorff/Magnificent Muraco match…..Both Jake Roberts and George Welles made their ppv debut in a match against each other. Guess who never appeared on one again?…..Randy Savage defeated George “The Animal Steele” in a zero star classic. Hopefully Savage will get some better competition at WrestleMania III…..One word: Herb…..Mr T defeated Roddy Piper in a boxing match, when Roddy remembered he was a wrestler and bodyslammed T in the 4th round., getting himself disqualified….In Chicago: My boy Ernie Holmes was upset by 19 other wrestlers/football players in a battle royal that Andre the Giant won.….Velvet McIntyre had the first ever ppv wardrobe malfunction and was quickly defeated by The Fabulous Moolah…..Corporal Kirchner defended the honor of American when he defeated Nicolai Volkoff in a gruelling 2 minute flag match…..Ozzy Osborne resisted biting the head off of a rat while seconding the British Bulldogs as they defeated The Dream Team for the WWF tag team titles…..In Los Angeles: In a match that had “WrestleMania” written all over it, Adrian Adonis overcame the odds and defeated Uncle Elmer. At one point in the match, Elmer his Adonis so hard that he ended up falling on his own ass…..Tito Santana’s one match WrestleMania winning streak came to a screeching halt as The Funk Brothers defeated him and The Junkyard Dog…..In what was probably the least anticipated match of in L.A., Ricky Steamboat defeated Hercules. Hopefully Steamboat will get some better competition at WrestleMania III…..Robert Conrad was one of the many celebrities who appeared during the Hulk Hogan/King Kong Bundy steel cage main event. I have no idea what he did, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t have anything to do with Elvira smacking a battery off his shoulder. WrestleMania III 78,000 people (allegedly) jam packed into 93,173 (allegedly) seats in the Pontiac Silverdome…..King Kong Bundy went from main eventing the previous WM, to bodyslamming midget wrestler Little Beaver in a mixed 6 man tag team match…..Danny Davis took one of the most wicked tombstone piledrivers, that I’ve ever seen from Davey Boy Smith in a six man tag team match where the Hart Foundation and Davis defeated Tito Santana and the British Bulldogs. This match brings Santana’s WM losing streak to two. Jesse Ventura made his way all the way down to the ring before the match began, to be introduced to the crowd, only to have to carry Matilda the dog to the back with him…..…..The highlight of the Roddy Piper/Adrian Adonis haircut match was watching the fan that jumped in the ring, being beat down and arrested in the background while a victorious Piper made his way back to the lockerroom……Ricky Steamboat defeated Randy Savage for the Inter-Continental title, in a decent match that is rarely talked about…..The seeds were planted to humble Brian Blair, as The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff beat the Killer Bees by DQ as the debuting Hacksaw Jim Duggan interfered…..Mel Phillips got cross at Mary Hart when she rang the ring bell too soon right before the main event…..And in that main event, Hulk Hogan defeated the previously “undefeated” Andre the Giant to retain the WWF title. This match totally blew away the rarely talked about Steamboat/Savage match…..Oh yeah, Butch Reed defeated KoKo B Ware. WrestleMania IV Trump Plaza would host this Mania. Donald Trump and his hair were seated in the front row…..This would be the first WrestleMania to top the four hour mark, making renting the video of this show extra exciting because of the double deep tape case that held the TWO videos that Mania was recorded on…..That would be pretty much the only thing exciting about this show…..A 14 man elimination tournament, for the vacant WWF title, won by Randy Savage, was the main event of the show. Tournament highlights included: hmmmm, hold on. I’m thinking. It included…….oh yeah!! It included a Randy Savage/Greg Valentine second round match, instead of a Randy Savage/Ricky Steamboat rematch that no one wanted to see. Honestly this tournament was a piece of crap….. Demolition won their first of three WWF tag team titles from Strike Force, which brought Tito Santana’s WM losing streak to three in a row. Don’t worry Tito, you’ll get’em next year!!…..Bad New Brown won a Battle Royal after double crossing Bret Hart and throwing him over the top rope. Bret then went on to destroy Bad News’ trophy that looked cheaper than the one I won for having the best clown hat during my 4th grade Sports Night (love you nanna, for making the hat for me)….. This show is so boring that Im falling asleep just writing about it…..Brutus Beefcake cut Jimmy Harts hair after his IC title match with the Honky Tonk man……Ok you know what? Lets move on to the next one. I don’t wanna bore you readers to death….. WrestleMania V WWF returns to Trump Plaza for the second year in a row because the crowd for Mania IV was just so lively and chipper…..Instead of defending her title, WWF Womans Champion, Rockin’ Robin did a rousing rendition of God Bless America. Last I checked, it peaked at number six katrillion-zillion on the itunes…..Wrestlers such as Butch of the Bushwackers and Mr Perfect tripped while walking down the approximately 342 steps that lead to the ring…..RUN DMC did the “WrestleMania Rap”. The only two words that were audible were “piledriver” and “bodyslam”…..Hacksaw Duggan had snot hanging from his nose after his 3 minute match with Bad News Brown…..World class wrestler, Terry Taylor because a cock and defeated his former manager Bobby Heenan in a 30 second classic…..Tully Blanchard and Arn Anderson defeated Strike Force, when Rick Martel turned on his partner, Tito Santana. Tito’s WM losing streak reaches four. Don’t worry buddy, I don’t blame you one bit for this one…..Brother Love reveals legs whiter than cocaine after he dons a kilt for his and Morton Downey Jr’s appearance on Pipers Pit…..In what must have been a booking error, the Rugged Ronnie Garvin/Dino Bravo match went on seventh instead of co-main eventing like everyone was expecting…..Speaking of the main event, Hulk Hogan scored the upset of the century when he defeated Randy Savage for his second WWF title. After the match Hogan took Donald Trump and his then wife Ivana to a special screening of “No Holds Barred”. Trump wouldn’t be seen again in the WWF for 18 years. Well, I hope you enjoyed my first column a lot more than I enjoyed typing it up. Id like to thank Scott for giving me that chance to do this again. Ive actually missed it. I will be back next week with WrestleMania VI-X. Until next time, I’m outta here Frankie P.