The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 02.06.12
Live from Oklahoma City, OK.
Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler.
COOHHH starts us out, wearing a fashionable DX green power tie. He immediately clarifies that he was going to fire John Laurinaitis last week, but apparently in WWE world nothing happens when the camera isn’t rolling, so he’s not actually fired yet. But HHH brushes that storyline off and moves onto Undertaker, bringing up the match from last year’s Wrestlemania, and POINTS TO THE SIGN. A poster on my blog suggested a new meme whereby people take pictures of themselves pointing to random signs wherever they are, and it would be called “Wrestlemaniaing”. Anyway, HHH has lots of respect for Undertaker and chooses to remember him via a video package of big career moments, rather than the broken down guy who almost got beat last year. So after a really dull monologue, he declines the Undertaker’s challenge because he doesn’t want to be the guy to finally end the streak. He’s so giving and selfless that way. He adds one more point to the sign, but now Undertaker interrupts with his own video package as he’s now apparently a crazy recluse living the Batcave and still wants the match. So Undertaker is gonna be the guy chasing HHH for the match, but HHH just doesn’t want to beat Undertaker and end the streak because he has too much respect for him and knows that Undertaker has no chance? That’s really what they’re going with here?
Big Show v. Daniel Bryan
This is presumably non-title. AJ joins us at ringside with a neck brace, and Big Show pounds on Bryan in the corner to start. Bryan dropkicks the knee and we take a break. Back with Bryan working on a half-crab, but Show comes back with a spear for two. Chokeslam is blocked with a dragon sleeper, but Show throws him off. Bryan goes to the knee again and a roundhouse kick gets two. Show kicks him off the apron and Bryan pleads knee injury, and of course Show heads out and nearly flattens AJ again as a result. Bryan is so upset that he walks out on the match at 5:39. What a shit finish. ** Bryan cuts another angry promo on Big Show, accusing Show of being able to stop himself before hitting AJ that first time, since he could do it this time. Bryan as Honky Tonk Man is amusing on a character level, but does nothing for him as a main eventer.
Last week, John Cena gets to wave a flag at a race or something. The desperation to get ANYONE to cheer John Cena is getting really sad.
Elimination Chamber: The Video Package.
David Otunga joins us to really amp up the excitement this week by cutting a promo. He offers a prayer session on behalf of Big Johnny, but the ring announcer cuts in and puts Otunga in a match as per COOHHH. Waitaminute, I thought that HHH wasn’t allowed to be in charge of RAW anymore? Is he interim interim GM now?
Sheamus v. David Otunga
Otunga runs away from a Celtic Cross attempt, but Sheamus wrecks his suit and beats on him anyway. Otunga finally goes low and gets a DDT for two, then stomps away on the ropes. He stops to pose and eats the Brogue Kick at 2:02, however. ½*
Chris Jericho finally shows up to explain his motivations. He accuses everyone of stealing his moves and ideas, including all the wrestlers and fans. We’re all wannabes. However, the worst is CM Punk, who declares himself the best in the world when clearly that’s Jericho. Punk interrupts, but only turns his back on Jericho and leaves. This would have worked 100% better had Jericho actually won the Rumble, but it’s still good to have a World title feud based on two guys who WANT TO BE THE BEST.
Wade Barrett & Cody Rhodes v. Randy Orton & Great Khali
Khali beats on Barrett to start, then brings in Orton with a tag that’s more of a chop. Rhodes gets a dropkick for two, but Orton comes back with a backdrop suplex and makes his own comeback on the heels. Khali tags himself in again and pins Cody at 3:39 after a chop. * Great, we’re rebuilding Great Khali again. He turns on Orton, but eats an RKO. Who’s the idiot who books Khali to take that move when he can barely walk as it is? And why do we have all these matches where guys have to do jobs leading up to their World title shot?
Michael Cole reads competing tweets from John Cena and the Rock, because this apparently how you build up big money matches in 2012. THROUGH TWITTER. OMG, maybe next week they’ll write YouTube comments about each other!
Eve, Kelly Kelly, Alicia Fox & Tamina v. Beth Phoenix, Natalya & The Bella Twins
This is a SLAP IN THE FACE to everyone who bought the Royal Rumble for this match and now get to watch it for free! Is this show over yet? No? Beth beats on Eve and brings in a Bella, but they argue and allow Tamina to come in as we hear for the 100,000th time that she’s Jimmy Snuka’s daughter. They should book an angle where she gets accused of brutally murdering her boyfriend but gets off despite overwhelming evidence because she was too drunk to remember doing it. David Otunga could be her lawyer! Superfly Splash finishes at 1:35. And they cut to the crowd, with literally everyone silent and bored out of their minds. That was so amazingly hilarious. DUD
Meanwhile, Big Johnny interrupts HHH’s phone call to announce that Shawn Michaels will be here next week, which is apparently his ploy to keep his job. Also John Cena v. Kane at the PPV in an Ambulance Match, whatever that is.
We get another look at that Undertaker video from earlier in the show. Big Johnny comments on the video, noting that the Board probably doesn’t want someone who is a coward running the show.
CM Punk v. R-Truth v. The Miz v. Chris Jericho v. Dolph Ziggler v. Kofi Kingston
Big schmoz to start as they treat it like a battle royale and Truth dumps Miz, but then absolutely splats on the floor after Miz totally forgets to catch him. Oh, that’s not good. We take a break and return with Truth getting help to the back, thankfully. Replays show that he’s probably gonna be concussed. We return with more messy stuff and they do a stacked superplex spot before Kofi hits the wacky kick on Miz, leaving Jericho and Kofi for a bit as it finally settles down a bit. Kofi rolls him up for two, but Jericho misses the Lionsault. Kofi misses the kick and it’s Walls of Jericho, but Punk saves. Ziggler rolls up Punk for two, but it’s a GTS for two, and Jericho steals the pin at 11:46. I’m not really big on Jericho winning one six-way match to earn the right to enter last in another six-way match with the same guys. Match was a big mess, but it was OK. ** Jericho steals the belt and mocks Punk afterwards.
Meanwhile, Kane stalks Eve and he still won’t shut up about Cena embracing the hate. He’s too busy tweeting at the Rock and waving the green flag to embrace hate right now. Are we seriously still supposed to be engaged in this stupid storyline when they spend the whole show building up Cena v. Rock and then they’re like “Oh, yeah, also Cena really dislikes Kane”? Just stick Kane into the damn Chamber match and find something else for Cena to do already. And that’s the show, apparently.
Not really my favourite episode this week, and I’ll be diplomatic and leave it at that, although Punk v. Jericho should be a breath of fresh air. Just too many video packages, and recaps of previous video packages, and highlights of previous shows featuring other video packages. I think Miz needs a vacation, though. Maybe he can take a couple of months off and get a real tan.
Better luck next week.