The SmarK Rant for WWE Payback – 04.30.17
Live from San Jose, CA
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves & Booker T
This show is so anticipated that I literally kept forgetting it was on tonight.
The SmarK Rant for WWE Payback – 04.30.17
Live from San Jose, CA
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves & Booker T
This show is so anticipated that I literally kept forgetting it was on tonight.
As a public service for the people who do not get the newsletter, I have scoped out Dave Meltzer’s star ratings for all the big shows. Here’s what he thought of Payback:
Dolph Ziggler d. Baron Corbin – **1/4
Kalisto d. Ryback – **3/4
Vaudevillains d. Enzo/Cass – no rating
Kevin Owens d. Sami Zayn – ****
The Miz d. Cesaro – ***1/4
Dean Ambrose d. Chris Jericho – ***3/4
Charlotte d. Natalya – ***1/4
Roman Reigns d. AJ Styles – ***3/4
As always, Meltzer love of the Flair dynasty overrates Charlotte’s match, and I think Ryback/Kalisto deserves slightly more love, but otherwise these seem to be internally reasonable. Thoughs?
This has nothing to do with the WWE
Justice Gray is backstage. He asks were Rockstar Gary and Average Joe Everyman are as he learns from an assistant that Bobby accidentally flew half of the roster to Montana by accident. Justice cant believe this as his 6-man Title match is off of the table for tonight, and the card is short on matches. Bobby walks by with a Snickers bar and jokes about Justice having “cruiserweight thighs” as he laughs hysterically.
Marv Cresto & Art Macklin vs. Fat Otters
Yo yo yo, microwave that bacon and pop in Citizen Kane for the first time ever as the Fat Otters are here. Speaking of here, Marv has taken time out of his bust day which includes smoking pot and watching Netflix in his garage to be here. His partner, Art, comes in through the stands because he is fucking fearless!!!!!! Match starts with the Fat Otters jumping their opponents as soon as they enter. Caliber has Art up for the squat rack crack but he escapes then shoves Caliber into Meekin, who spills outside. Marv then beats on Caliber as Art takes him down from behind. Meekin tries to re-enter but Art takes him out with a baseball slide so fearless it reminded Marv of Joey Cora then Marv puts Caliber in the Liontamer, or as he calls it, the Seattle Supersonic. Art then stands over Caliber and puts him in a chinlock and turns off the stove because the eggs are burnt as Art & Marv are the winners.
Backstage in his office, Bobby Bayless is sipping on some strawberry Quik and eating Combos. In come TimeandtheRani & Dean Andrews, along with Peyton Drinking & Jose Gomez. They are wearing their Cowboys and Indians uniforms. Bobby looks around with glee then shuts the door. Brian Bayless walks by and picks up a sheet of paper off the ground. He looks it over and appears to be in shock. He then knocks on his cousin’s door but all we can hear is “Baby, You a Rich Man” from the Fat Boys.
Before we show, lets see what took place at the Anchor Cheese BoD Fanzone.
Kaptain Kiwi is in his new captain’s uniform on a horse as the Anchor Cheese execs all look at their big successful spokesman. In the corner, the brothers Garea attempt to face-time each other by using their iPhones. All of a sudden, Extant1979 walks into the area and grabs a bunch of flyers.
Extant: (pulls out his glasses then reads the flyers. A look of disgust appears on his face) After reading this garbage, I have one thing to say (rips up the flyers) IT NEEDS BETTER EDITING!!!!!!!!!!! (Looks over the Anchor Cheese execs in the room) You (points at Johnny Garea), did you edit this shit!!!!!!!! I didnt know they made them that dumb in Australia. If I didnt know any better, I’d say you are from Pittsfield.
Kiwi: (stares blankly at Extant)
All of a sudden, Nick Piers comes through, holding copies of his books. He looks at his former partner then laughs.
Piers (To Extant) You know, I’d let you edit my book but unlike yourself, my writing gets published. People actually read it too, something else you know nothing about.
Extant: You think you are funny, don’t you.
PrimeTime Ten walks in, wearing his Wayne Gretzky jersey.
PrimeTime: I look at you three and I see Alexandre Daigle, Daniel Dore, and Cam Barker. All busts who are nothing. I AM WAYNE GRETZKY!!!!! (raises his hands in victory and now pumps fists as if he scored a goal)
Sir Tony: (has had enough). ALL THREE OF YA LADS SHUT YER MOUTHS. YOU ALL CANT BEAT MY BOY KIWI IN ANYTHING NEVERMIND A WRESTLING MATCH. AND NEXT WEEK, IF HE GETS PINNED, I’LL GIVE THE WINNER FULL CONTROL OF ANCHOR CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Everyone immediately stops. Anchor Cheese is by far the global leader in canned processed cheddar cheese. This is an unbelievable offer).
Adam Curry vs Murph – ‘Party in your Mouth Tommy Rich Tribute match’
We start with our usual sizzle reel as the announcer promises us PAYBACK!!!
We are LIVE(!!!) from Baltimore, Maryland for WWE Payback!!!
Cole and King are the guys in the booth as Booker is off manning the
WWE News Desk of Doom tonight. Marcelo Rodriguez and Carlos Cabrera are
the guys at the Spanish Desk.
MATCH #1: Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler
slaps Ziggler pre-match. Bell rings and Ziggler is all over him. He
sends Ziggler out of the ring, beats on him outside, then sends him back
in, hitting a Cross Body for two. Sheamus tries White Noise but Ziggler
hits a nice Sunset Flip, getting two. A couple of counters and Ziggler
gets elbowed in the knee. Ziggler rolls out of the ring, favoring his
right knee. When he gets back on the mat, Sheamus suplexes him back in.
Sheamus applies a headlock as Cole and King debate whether or not they
should say the word, “ass”. Ziggler fights out and Sheamus hits the
Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus stomps at Ziggler, then charges at him
but misses and hits the ringpost. Ziggler starts hitting punches and
forearms, then knocks him down with a Flying Press. Ziggler hits a
dropkick followed by punches in the corner. Sheamus tries a side suplex
but Ziggler counters with a DDT for two. Ziggler beats on Sheamus in the
corner…then pulls an ass cheek out of his shorts and makes Sheamus
kiss it. Sheamus leaves the ring, drinks some water, then gets back in.
Now that we’ve gotten THAT out of the way, Ziggler jumps at him when he
re-enters the ring but Sheamus drops his neck on the ropes. He misses a
Brogue and Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser, NEARLY getting the fall. He
punches Sheamus in the corner but Sheamus counters with a Sitting
Powerbomb, nearly getting the fall. Sheamus hits a powerslam and he gets
two again. White Noise by Sheamus followed by The Cloverleaf — but
Ziggler gets to the ropes. Sheamus breaks the hold at four. Sheamus
taunts Ziggler but Ziggler headbutts him and hits a Superkick for two.
Ziggler is cut open BADLY. Sheamus hits the Brogue to finish it and
we’re done at 12:23.
WINNER: Sheamus via Brogue Kick
RATING: ***1/4. Really good start. Both guys looked excellent here. Glad that we’re past the “Kiss Me Arse” stuff…we can only hope, at least.
is backstage on his cellphone. Rollins and J&J show up. Rollins
wants to put all the animosity behind them. The two compare all the
back-and-forth they’ve been through in the past four weeks. Kane says
that he doesn’t know what will happen in regards to Rollins’ match. But,
if Kane gets involved, Rollins will know. Rollins threatens Kane and
puts J&J in Kane’s way. Kane laughs at them and all guys walk off.
New Day shows up. Xavier tells people that they can do anything if they just BO-LIE, uh, THINK POSITIVE!!! (DANIELLE: So…they’re Bo Dallas…but they’re better heels, they’re black and there’s three of them. Got it.) There
are Baltimore Oriole players at ringside and New Day berates them for
never having won a World Series — which they could do if they THINK
MATCH #2: The New Day (Kofi Kingston &
Big E) (champs) (w/ Xavier Woods) vs. Cesaro & Tyson Kidd
(challengers) (w/ Natalya) in a 2-out-3 Falls Match for the WWE Tag Team
Kofi start out. Kidd applies a headlock and Cesaro tags himself in,
hitting an elbow on Kofi. E enters and gets powerslammed by Cesaro in an
impressive start. Cesaro runs at E and E press slams him. He chokes
Cesaro, then gets pulled off by the ref. Woods hits a cheap shot from
outside. Kofi gets involved but Cesaro slams them both and stomps both
their chests. Cesaro puts Kofi up for a Delayed Suplex. Kidd tags in,
knocking Kofi to the mat. E is knocked outside. Cesaro hits the Spin.
Kidd dropkicks him and Cesaro/Kidd take the first fall at 2:52.
WINNERS: Cesaro & Kidd
a skirmish involving Woods and Natalya and Kidd kicks Woods outside.
Kidd tries to dive at E who catches him and puts to the mat. Back in the
ring, E and Kofi stomp at Kidd. Kofi hits a dropkick. E has Kidd
in a bearhug, then drops him to the mat and hits a Warrior Splash.
Cesaro stops the pin. E hits a Spear on Cesaro, then gets back in and
tags Kofi. Two count. Kofi climbs the top rope but Kidd dropkicks him on
the way down. Kidd counters nearly everything E and Kofi throw at him
until Kidd ends up on E’s shoulders. They hit a horrible-looking 11th
Hour as E drops Kidd before Kofi can actually get to him. They win the
2nd fall at 7:41.
WINNERS: The New Day
let up as E rushes at Kidd. Kidd hits a Drop Toehold and E falls into
the turnbuckle. Cesaro makes his way back in and he gets the hot tag. He
hits five straight uppercuts, then tosses Kofi into E. Cesaro tries an
Underarm Hook Powerbomb but E escapes it. Cesaro hits a quick uppercut
on Kofi and NEARLY gets the fall. Cesaro and Kidd hit the
Decaptitator and NEARLY get the fall as the crowd is WAY into this. Kidd
goes for a Sharpshooter, locking it in. Cesaro runs over and sends E
into the announce table, then gets back to his corner. Kofi escapes the
Sharpshooter. Cesaro and Kidd do the Double Team Uppercut but E saves
the pin. It’s chaos in the ring. Cesaro gets dinged — and Woods
suddenly runs in and hides his face, getting the small package pin as
the New Day retains at 12:44.
WINNERS AND STILL CHAMPIONS: The New Day
RATING: ****. Great match here. Great heel finish. I’ve always liked the old “twin magic” thing.
Ryback is with Byron Saxton. He’s ready for Wyatt — and that match is next.
MATCH #3: Bray Wyatt vs. Ryback
match ends with Bo helping Bray or GTFO. Ryback is all over Wyatt in
the corner, shoulder-ramming him, then hitting a quick spear. He knocks
Wyatt down with a shoulderblock and gets a one count. Wyatt breaks out
of an armbar only to end up in a Press by Ryback. Wyatt rolls out of the
ring and Ryback follows. Short brawl outside. Back inside, Ryback puts
Wyatt in the corner but Wyatt comes back with a flying lariat. Wyatt
hits a slightly painful looking snapmare and puts on a headlock. Ryback
comes back with a Powerslam and gets two. He rushes Wyatt but hits the
ringpost. Wyatt hits a nice DDT on the edge of the ring mat and Ryback
falls outside. Wyatt jumps and hits a Reverse Senton from the mat to the
floor, knocking the wind out of Ryback. The ref counts and Ryback
barely gets back into the ring on time. Wyatt attacks immediately, then
hits a Running Clothesline in the corner. For some reason, Wyatt thinks
it’s time to celebrate on the second turnbuckle and Ryback grabs him and
powerbombs him. Wyatt ends up outside and Ryback runs at him for a Meat
Hook only to eat a clothesline from Wyatt. Two count back in the ring.
Wyatt hits a Suplex Throw, tossing Ryback across the ring. Ryback hits a
clothesline, then a Spinebuster. Two count. Wyatt puts Ryback in the
corner and holds him there, then sets Ryback up on the top rope. Wyatt
goes for the Superplex but Ryback headbutts out of it and hits a NICE
splash and nearly gets the pin. Ryback looks hurt. Wyatt goes for Sister
Abigail but Ryback breaks it and goes for a Shellshock. Wyatt holds the
ropes and tears the top turnbuckle off like a candy wrapper. He knocks
Ryback into it, hits Sister Abigail and this match is done around 10:55.
WINNER: Bray Wyatt via Sister Abigail
**1/2. A bit stalled and clunky. Bray finally got a much-needed
win…but this feud really doesn’t mean a lot beyond Wyatt just fucking
with Ryback and Ryback trying to fend him off.
We get a teaser spot for Money in the Bank.
We get the Cena/Rusev match reel…
MATCH #4: Rusev (challenger) (w/ Lana) vs. John Cena (champion) in an “I Quit” Match for the WWE United States Championship
is rabid as hell. Rusev has a mic. He says that half the people in the
arena already hate him. He tells Cena to tell him he quits and spare
them the pain. Cena finally attacks him around the 2 minute mark but
Rusev sends him across the ring, kicks him in the ribs and clotheslines
him. The crowd chants for Lana, so Rusev gets her a chair and tells her
to sit down? That’ll help. Back in the ring, Cena misses an elbow in the
corner and Rusev kicks, punches and headbutts him. Cena won’t quit when
the ref gets in his face with a mic, so Rusev continues to kick at him,
then hits a dropkick. Kick. Do You Quit? No. Kick. Do you quit? No.
Rusev hits a Spinning Heel Kick as the crowd chants for Lana. Rusev goes
out to yell at her. Rusev knees him in the chest, then elbows him in
the head. He tells Lana to hand him the Russian flag and Rusev waves it.
He gives the flag back and it’s Moves 1 through 3. 5KS hits but an AA
fails. Cena flies at Rusev who catches him and hits a Fallaway Slam.
Cena rolls outside but won’t quit when the ref asks. Rusev tosses him
into the stairs. Do You Want to Quit? No. Do You Want to Quit? No.
Rusev is pissed and tosses Cena into the ring, then grabs the steel steps, placing them in the corner. Ref
asks about quitting again. Nope. Toss into the stairs. Quit? Nope.
Another stairs shot. Quit? Nope. Rusev goes for a move but Cena counters
it and backdrops Rusev. Another stair shot. Quit? No. Finally, Cena
hits an AA. Rusev langs on the steps. Ref gets in his face. Rusev
doesn’t quit and rolls out of the ring. Cena throws the ring steps at
him but Rusev moves. They fight outside as Cena sends Rusev into the
ringpost. Rusev won’t quit. Cena sends him through the timekeeper’s pit.
Rusev won’t quit. Cena rolls some sort of storage container over to
Rusev and Rusev just kicks him in the face. John won’t quit and the
fight goes into the crowd. Cena goes for an AA but Rusev breaks it and
hits a weak Alabama Slam that won’t even break the table he sends Cena
into. Cena gets up and hits an AA, then sets up a table. Cena grabs a TV
Monitor and slams Rusev in the back with it. Rusev won’t quit and Cena
just continues to whack him with it. Rusev hides under the table. Cena
retrieves him but Rusev counters and hits the Alabama Slam into the
table. Cena won’t quit. Rusev fucks around with the pyro cables, then
tries his high kick. Cena counters and tosses Rusev into the pyro beds
and fireworks go off, much to Cena’s dismay.
believe it and rushes to Rusev. The ref asks if he wants to quit. He
won’t. Cena goes off into the side and grabs a metal crowd gate from
1987. The ref asks Rusev if he wants to quit. Nope. So Cena whacks him
with the crowd gate. He sets the crowd gate up against the ring. Cena
tries an AA but Rusev counters with a suplex. Cena won’t quit. Rusev
tosses Cena into the ring and sets up for the big kick, hitting it.
Accolade by Rusev. Cena tries to break it but can’t. Cena falls
unconscious. Rusev thinks he’s won but the ref tells Rusev that’s not
how it works. Rusev’s pissed and he tears the top buckle pad off, then
disconnects the top rope. He revives Cena with a bottle of water and
misses the rope shot. Cena hits the STF, using the ring rope. Rusev says
a bunch of shit in Bulgarian. Lana runs in and just ends this shit at an
overlong 28:02 by saying Rusev quits.
WINNER: John Cena
* for some very slight entertainment value. This was like a Michael Bay
movie: no expenses spared, tons of repetitive action, explosions…and
still extremely shitty. And the match ends because Rusev can’t speak
English all of the sudden.
Renee Young and the WWE News Desk of Doom tell us how great that match was.
New Day celebrates with champagne glasses full of milk. Byron says that
there’s breaking news about Elimination Chamber: The New Day will
defend the titles inside the first ever Elimination Chamber tag team
match. The New Day says that isn’t fair and that nothing like that has
happened. Byron: “Well…I guess it’s…A NEW DAY.” Oh, man, and he
DOESN’T put on the CSI sunglasses. Opportunity was missed there.
MATCH #5: The Bella Twins (Nikki& Brie Bella) vs. Naomi & Tamina
Nikki dropkicks Naomi after an initial assault by Naomi. Tag to Brie and the two hit a nice falling faceslam. Brie
hits the Running Brie Mode and the fight spills outside. Brie puts her
right back in. The ref pushes Naomi and Tamina kicks Brie’s head off.
Naomi stretches Brie while standing on Brie’s hair. Tamina gets into the
ring and attacks Nikki, then kicks Brie in the stomach. Tag to Naomi
who hits a neckbreaker for a one-count. Brie finally hits a hot tag
after countering a move from Naomi. Nikki hits an Alabama Slam but
Tamina saves the pin. Nikki kicks her out of the ring. Naomi rolls up
Nikki for two. Tamina distracts Nikki. Nikki swings at her and misses
like a National League pitcher taking an at-bat. Naomi hits the Rear
View but Nikki kicks out at two. Slight chaos in and out of the ring but
Naomi knocks Nikki off the top buckle to end this at 6:13.
WINNERS: Naomi & Tamina
1/2 a *. Your usual Monday Night RAW Divas Match. Tamina is god-awful.
Naomi was the only one that looked like she gave a damn.
We get a look at WWE’s new pile of dogshit show, “Swerved”, which is, essentially, “Punk’d” with WWE stars.
sits in a chair backstage as Rusev paces back and forth. He tells Lana
to get out of the room, then picks up her chair and throws it into the
Cole recaps the whole Daniel Bryan quitting saga.
AT ELIMINATION CHAMBER: a match to determine the new IC Champion.
MATCH #6: King Barrett vs. Neville
rolls Barrett up after a corner attack. Barrett rolls out of the ring.
Neville tries an air attack but Wade is too hip to this and kicks
Neville in the stomach. Back in the ring, Barrett puts Neville on the
top buckle and pounds on his back. Kick to the stomach and a two count.
Headlock by Barrett. Neville escapes and botches a Springboard move off
the rope. Barrett kicks him and stomps him. Barrett boots Neville
outside. Once he gets back in, it’s a headlock by Barrett. Neville
counters a suplex and finally starts up the offense. He kicks at Barrett
and hits a lariat. Standing Shooting Star Press gets two. He goes for
the Red Arrow but Barrett attacks him and kicks him in the stomach. He
goes for a Bullhammer but misses. Neville runs at Barrett and gets
caught in the Winds of Change. Neville hits a beautiful arm drag pin for
two. Enzuguri by Neville and it’s Red Arrow time. Barrett rolls out of
the ring. Neville hits a Flipping Suicide Dive. Barrett wants to get
back in the ring…but just quits. He just walks off and it’s a
pointless countout at 7:08.
WINNER: Neville via countout
**. This match just seemed like it never truly got started with a shit
finish. There’s no velocity and nothing on the line here…so what’s
with the countout?
Post-match, Barrett attacks
Neville, then tries to whack him with the scepter. Neville ducks the
shot, knocks him down and hits the Red Arrow.
Another look at a bunch of people trying out for Tough Enough.
Rollins and J&J walk backstage. Kane finds Rollins and tells Rollins “good luck”.
Kane makes his way down to the ring first. He’ll be at ringside because THIS MATCH NEEDS KANE.
#7: Randy Orton (challenger) vs. Dean Ambrose (challenger) vs. Roman
Reigns (challenger) vs. Seth Rollins (champion) (w/ Jamie Noble &
Joey Mercury) in a Fatal 4-Way for the WWE World Heavyweight
Ambrose, Reigns and Orton go outside to take out
J&J Security. Rollins tries to leapo at Orton but gets hit in the
face. They fight outside. Reigns dives at everyone he sees, then hammers
on Rollins in the ring. Reigns runs at Rollins bur Rollins trips him.
Ambrose attacks and gets two. Orton saves the pin and goes after
Ambrose. Ambrose punches back and hits a bulldog. Orton hits a
backbreaker for two. Reigns gets in and hits an uppercut on Orton. He
tosses Orton out of the ring. Rollins comes in and he’s all over Reigns
with a punch to the back of the head and stomps away. Rollins tries a
clothesline but runs into Ambrose. Ambrose tosses Rollins into Reigns
and Reigns hits a clothesline. Ambrose and Reigns work together on
Rollins with punches to Rollins’ head. Ambrose hits a short-arm
clothesline. Reigns and Ambrose start planning. Reigns goes for the
Superman Punch but Kane pulls him out of the ring. Ambrose attacks him
but Kane beats him up and tosses him into the ring. Orton tries to get
involved but J&J jump him and Kane joins the mudhole stomp.
hits a knee to Ambrose’s stomach and gets two. Rollins hits a
Springboard Knee to Ambrose’s head. Two count. Kane removes his shirt as
shit’s about to get real. Rollins hits the Buckle Bomb and Superkick
but Ambrose kicks out at two. Rollins goes for another Buckle Bomb but
Ambrose fights out. Ambrose kicks Rollins. Rollins kicks back. Rebound
Clothesline by Ambrose. J&J jump Ambrose. Ambrose knocks them down
but Kane comes in and hits a Chokeslam. Two count. Orton attacks Kane.
Reigns hits Kane with a Missile Dropkick. Orton clothesline Reigns and
it’s Orton and Rollins. Orton tries a powerslam but manages a suplex
instead. Orton tries to follow up but Rollins nails him and climbs the
top buckle. Orton attacks him and tries the Superplex, hitting it. NEAR
fall. Orton clotheslines Rollins outside and tears apart the announce
table. Ambrose gets in on the fist fight. So does Reigns. Ambrose,
Reigns and Rollins all look at one another and…AND TRIPLE POWERBOMB
Orton through the table! Rollins puts his arms around them! The Shield
is BACK…Rollins puts his fist out for the Shield Salute…Reigns and
Ambrose both stare at him…and attack him. They strip the Spanish table
and drop Rollins on it. They powerbomb Kane on top of Rollins but the
table won’t break. Crowd chants “ONE MORE TIME” and Reigns and Ambrose
oblige, this time, with the table breaking.
looks at Ambrose and says, “There’s not much left to do…wanna dance?”
Ambrose nods. They get into the ring, trading shots. Reigns misses a
clothesline. Ambrose hits a press but Reigns grabs him and hits a Driver
for two. Superman Punch by Reigns gets two. Reigns goes for the Spear
but it’s a close fall as Rollins runs in to save the pin. Rollins rolls
out of the ring. Security attacks. Reigns just tosses them around and
goes after Rollins. It’s chaose with Ambrose hitting Rollins with Dirty
Deeds after Reigns hits a Spear on Rollins. Ambrose pins but Kane saves
it, pulling Ambrose outside. Reigns attacks but Kane hits him with the
steel stairs. Orton nails Kane and gets in the ring. Orton goes for the
Vintage Orton DDT but Security pulls Rollins out. Orton RKO’s both
Security guys and hits a HUGE Powerslam in Stride on Rollins as he flies
at Orton off the top rope. Orton hits Vintage Orton on Rollins and
signals for an RKO but Kane gets in the ring to eat an RKO. Rollins gets
up, wraps Orton in a weak, shitty Pedigree and hits it to retain at
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Seth Rollins via Pedigree
****. Abrupt ending and rampant overbooking knock a star off the match,
but good match overall that should satisfy everyone — including those
of us who wanted a Shield moment.
Triple H comes out to congratulate Rollins as we go off the air.
***1/2 show for me. Started out incredibly well, then hit a HUGE lull
in the middle, only to be capped off by a great main event. I look
forward to RAW and the build-up to Elimination Chamber.
Er, that’s it…
The Payback Kick-Off show starts at 7e/6c, with The MetaPowers taking on The Ascension.
Then the main show starts at 8e/7c. The card includes:
The SmarK Rant for WWE Payback 2014 Live from Chicago, IL Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & JBL Oddly I had to fast forward through an hour of NXT Takeover before the archived version of the show started, but that might just be weirdness on the Roku. Once again, the Network is amazing because I was working tonight, but I just get home and go to the PPV section and there this show is for me to watch at my leisure. US title: Sheamus v. Cesaro Sheamus comes out swinging and hits a high kneelift, but Cesaro powers him over with a throw. Sheamus fires back with forearms, but misses an elbow and Cesaro throws forearms in the corner. Sheamus dumps him and hits the forearms on the apron, as this match seems to be built on the tenets of real men hitting each other really hard. About goddamn time. Back in, Sheamus tries a slingshot shoulderblock and gets forearmed to the floor as a result. Back in with the deadlift superplex for two. Cesaro with the double-stomp for two and he throws forearms, but runs into the backbreaker for two. Sheamus drops knees off the middle rope and gets two. This is some hard-hitting shit. Cesaro comes flying back with a forearm for two. Cesaro misses a blind charge and Sheamus goes up, but lands on the SWISS DEATH forearm for two. Cesaro slaps him around, but Sheamus hits a backbreaker for two. Sheamus goes for the kick, but Cesaro blocks with a german suplex for two, and Sheamus escapes into the White Noise for two. Cesaro fights off the cloverleaf and comes off the top, but Sheamus catches him with the cloverleaf on the second try. Cesaro quickly powers to the ropes and gets a backbreaker slam for two. Giant Swing has the crowd going nuts, but Sheamus recovers with a small package to retain at 11:42. What a cowardly way to win. I will fight through my disgust at the non-manly way that Sheamus retained and still award this match a good rating because people hitting each other in the face is awesome when done right. ***1/2 Rybaxel v. Cody Rhodes & Goldust The Rhodes’ work Axel over in the corner as the crowd chants for the Hawks. Well, it’s a night of disappointments for them, I guess. Goldust comes in and gets caught in the heel corner as the announcers are now going back to the story that the Rhodes are in a slump, although that seems to change weekly. The heels take turns coming off the middle rope onto Goldust and Ryback works the arm. Really, these two goofs are trying to bring tag wrestling back? RYBAXEL? Ryback with a hammerlock slam, but Goldust cradles for two. Hot tag Cody and he hits the heels with dropkicks and a sloppy moonsault that gets two on Ryback. Ryback catches him on the disaster kick and tosses him into Goldust, and the lariat gets two. Cody cradles Ryback for two and the Crossroads gets two. Another kick is reversed into the Shellshock for the pin at 7:42. So Rybaxel is once again in the hunt for the tag team title shot! Call your friends! Everyone worked hard here. **1/2 Afterwards, Cody walks out on Goldust because he needs a better partner. Too bad Dusty doesn’t have any more sons. Yay, Mountain Dew commercials on a PPV. Not only that, but DIET Dew, which all the announcers and panel members have to display prominently in every shot in place of water. Rusev v. Big E So if Rusev is supposed to be Russian now, isn’t it a bit on-the-nose to have him be named “Rusev”? Big E is now a patriotic flag-waver, which is among the cheapest of cheap heat for someone who was never defined as that before. Big E charges in and slugs away, but Rusev throws him and follows with a corner splash. The announcers bring up Rusev’s sambo background, which reminds me of the greatest MMA shirt I ever saw a fighter wear: “If sambo was easy, they’d call it jiu jitsu”. That’s the kind of shirt that would get you murdered in Brazil. Big E comes back with his crazy spear through the ropes, but it only gets two. Rusev puts him down with a superkick to block the splash, and RUSEV CRUSH at 3:35. It’s slowly getting over. *1/2 This was what it was supposed to be. Kofi Kingston v. Bo Dallas No match, as Kane comes out and beats up Kofi while Bo runs away. Bo gives him an inspirational peptalk after the beating. Total RAW segment. Intercontinental title: Wade Barrett v. Rob Van Dam I’m saddened that Barrett lost the linear World title to Sheamus last week and feel like we haven’t talked about it enough on the blog. They slug it out to start and Rob gets a spinkick for two as the crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Rob with a springboard kick for two and a leg lariat into the corner to put BNB on the floor for the brawl. Back in, Rob with a legdrop for two, but Barrett boots him out of the corner to take over. Chinlock, but Rob fights out and gets a spinkick to make the comeback, and Rolling Thunder sets up the frog splash. Sadly, it misses, but he recovers with a rollup for two. Barrett with the sideslam for two. Rob retreats to the floor and Barrett accidentally bullhammers the post, allowing Rob to hit a DDT for two. Moonsault hits knee, however, and the bullhammer finishes at 9:27. I’m starting to feel like Barrett should yell THIS IS SPARTA before hitting that move, given his beard. Match was a whole lot of nothing leading up to a good finish. **1/2 Daniel Bryan and Stephanie are out for the latest way to stall the World title angle, as Stephanie notes that the fans want Bryan to quit “just like CM Punk did”, but Bryan isn’t going for it and calls Steph a narcissistic bitch. Stephanie as the insufferable boss is just fantastic, and Brie decides to “do the right thing” and quit so that Steph doesn’t have the threat of firing her hanging over. Steph gives an obnoxious little condescending laugh and Brie slaps the shit out of her. That was a surprisingly strong booking of the babyfaces. Last Man Standing: John Cena v. Bray Wyatt Cena brings out the Usos as backup and puts Bray down with a bulldog and clothesline. Bray quickly takes over with a corner splash and leads him in a dance, but Cena puts him down for the five knuckle shuffle. Bray comes back with a gutbuster and gets a 4 count before stomping him down again. Bray escapes the STF and puts Cena down with a uranage for 7, but Cena fights off Sister Abigail. Legdrop from the top, but Wyatt catches him with Sister Abigail and that gets 8 before Cena rises above countout. Cena fights back with the FU, but everyone runs in and the Usos dump the Wyatt Family and hit them with dives. Bray puts Cena down with a chair, but he’s up at 6. He retaliates with the chair, hero to millions that he is, and pounds Bray down, but sets up a table and gets suplexed through it. He gets up from that, so Bray brings the stairs in and puts Cena down with them, then leads the crowd in a singalong for some reason. Heels shouldn’t really stop to pander to the masses. Cena fights back and dumps Bray, then HURLS the stairs at him in a crazy stupid spot. How do you even do that safely? Cena dives after him, and Bray catches him with Sister Abigail on the floor, but Cena whips him into the post as Bray is bleeding from his elbow like crazy. Cena tries a piledriver on the stairs and gets backdropped onto them in another dangerous bump, and Bray follows with a senton off them to put Cena down for 5. Geez, did Natalya v. Charlotte drawing all that praise hit a nerve with these guys or something? Well, good for the fanbase, I guess. The Wyatt Family charges in to help Bray up and beat on Cena, since it’s no-DQ anyway. The Usos also join them and it’s another trainwreck with people hurtling through tables and killing each other, and Cena goes crashing through the barricade with Bray as they brawl into the crowd for the big finale. Bray tosses Cena into the control panel and accidentally triggers some pyro, but Cena gives him the FU through a conveniently placed box before burying him under ANOTHER box to trap him for the win at 24:14. Spoiler: Cena wins again. Hell of a deal, but I’m just so sick of this feud and I’m glad it’s presumably done with. Plus I’ve never liked the Last Man Standing match in general, so while it was pretty great for the match type, it’s nothing I’d want to watch again. **** Divas Title: Paige v. Alicia Fox Meltzer keeps going on about how…whatever this Alicia deal is…is getting her over, but I literally don’t hear anyone else talking about her. Paige gets control and Alicia bails, so Paige runs her into the railing, but gets snapmared off the stairs. Back in, Fox throws a tantrum and pounds away. Northern Lights suplex gets two. Backbreaker gets two and Fox tosses her, but as usual Paige comes back after getting beat up all match and finishes with the crosslock. And then Alicia throws another tantrum, because that’s her deal now. * Elimination match: Evolution v. The Shield Batista’s new beard and bald-spot look makes him look like the swarthy owner of a disreputable donair restaurant in the downtown core. But then those are always the best places to get food at 2am when you’re on a bender. Of course, for me that went out with the Attitude era, but it’s fun to reminisce. Big brawl to start and Reigns starts the match proper in the ring by beating on Smurftista, but Rollins gets whipped into the corner for two. Evolution triple-teams him in their corner, but Orton gets worked over back in the Shield side. Batista comes in and Reigns drops an elbow on him, but he comes back with a spinebuster on Ambrose for two. Next up, we get Reigns v HHH in a preview of the rumored Summerslam match, as Reigns catches him with a backdrop and clothesline, and the Shield goes to work on him, including rolling suplexes from Rollins that get two. Ambrose with a rolling senton into the corner for two, but he goes up and lands on HHH’s foot. This has been very subdued for a no holds barred match thus far. Ambrose gets caught in the heel corner and Batista runs him into the railing and gets two back in the ring. Ambrose as face-in-peril is a really interesting dynamic, as he’s the least sympathetic character you can imagine but somehow pulls it off. HHH drops knees for two and cuts off a tag with a facecrusher, but Ambrose hits him with a drunken master clothesline and it’s hot tag Reigns. I presume it’s time for all hell to break loose now. Reigns beats the shit out of Bluetista and follows with the apron kick, and the Superman Punch gets two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as everyone pairs off and brawls on the floor. Rollins dives at HHH and gets nailed with a pair of metal, leaving Reigns alone with Evolution at ringside. And that results in him going through a table via triple powerbomb. They make the fatal error of stopping to mock the Shield, and Ambrose comes FLYING out of nowhere with a dive onto them. They regroup on the other side of the ring and then Rollins also appears like magic with a dive, and everyone brawls up the entrance. Orton drops Ambrose back-first onto a chair in a sick bump, and HHH Pedigrees Rollins onto a chair as well. This leaves Reigns alone in the ring 3-on-1, although the reason why Evolution wouldn’t just pin the dead members of the Shield first eludes me. Hubris, perhaps, which never works out well for heels in wrestling in good-booked circumstances. So they put Reigns on the stairs and take turns beating him with canes, just like that other long-haired bearded guy who was all about positivity. You know, Daniel Bryan. So after viciously beating him with a chair and chasing him to the floor, they continue to where Ambrose was lying in wait with another attack. That goes badly for him and Orton hits him with a draping DDT off a prop, but again chooses not to pin him. However, now Rollins comes diving off the Titantron as part of the subset of “Seth Rollins dives off crazy places”, and this allows the Shield to make the comeback. In the ring, Rollins fighs back on Batista but gets speared. Powerbomb is reversed, and Reigns spears Batista to give Rollins the pin at 27:35. Orton hits Rollins with the RKO for two, but Ambrose waffles him with a chair and finishes him with the headlock DDT at 28:38. And that leaves HHH alone, so he goes low on Ambrose, but takes the Superman Punch before Batista sneaks back in and saves. HHH gets his trusty sledgehammer and knocks Ambrose out, but Rollins dives in again and Reigns finishes with the spear at 31:00. The Shield are turning out to be spectacular main event babyfaces. It took a while to really kick into the stipulations, but the Shield somehow successfully switching from bullying heels to plucky underdog babyfaces is a thing of beauty to watch. There was something really elegant about the finish, with HHH clutching his hammer in desperation, only to see the next generation overpower him due to his own pride. Clearly, snark aside, he gets what is best for business as of late. **** The Pulse Well this show really overachieved, probably thanks to competition from NXT, and delivered two great matches and a really good opener, and that’s an easy thumbs up, even if I had ordered it on regular PPV.
Here we are again for another Event Formerly Known as a Pay Per View.
The Rhodes Brothers were added at the last moment as was Bo Dallas. How
Dallas and the Rhodes’s are even on this card is beyond me and should
really show you how thin this roster has become.
they couldn’t just have Brie fight Steph is also confusing. Here’s an
angle that would do double duty: they push a Divas Match everyone would
be interested in seeing and they tie it into Daniel Byran’s plight by
saying the the big title is on the line. If Brie wins, title stays with
Bryan. If Steph wins, the Authority strips the title.
We get Bo Dallas vs. Kofi and Big E vs. Rusev. And, before you protest, does anyone actually care about either of those matches?
That’s what I thought.
Anyhow, here’s your card
Let’s begin, shall we?
(For the record: Torito beat Hornswaggle and then did a terrible job of shaving his head.)
We start with Aloe Blacc’s “Ticking Bomb” along with the cracked ice graphics, introducing Payback.
shows that there are those who are remain in charge and those who wish
to ascend into the light. We get clips of the major feuds, Cena/Wyatt
It’s time for PAYBACK!
W are LIVE(!!!) from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois!
JBL, Cole, and King are your guys on the mic.
Carlos Cabrera, Marcelo Rodriguez and Ricardo Rodriguez are on the Spanish mics.
Sheamus is out for his match with Cesaro and we get a recap of this feud from beginning until now.
MATCH #1: Sheamus (champion) vs. Cesaro (challenger) (w/ Paul Heyman) for the WWE United States Championship
Heyman is out to advocate for a “Paul Heyman guy”. The crowd chants,
big-time, for CM Punk. Heyman says that “HE is not here tonight” because
he’s at The United Center, watching the Blackhawks getting their
“Streak broken” just like Brock Lesnar did to the Undertaker. He finally
introduces Cesaro. The two guys comes out running. Sheamus hits some
immediate forearms and a kneelift. He goes for a Rolling Senton but
Cesaro counters it and starts kicking at Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus
comes back with some elbows and a short-arm clothesline but misses an
elbow smash. Cesaro hits a nice running uppercut in the corner and
follows it up with some of those in the corner. Sheamus counters on an
Irish Whip with a Rolling Senton, then goes for 10 Beats but Cesaro
drops his neck on the ropes. Sheamus comes back and hits a forearm and
Ten Beats. Then he grabs Cesaro and does it AGAIN.
just shits all over Sheamus as he takes Cesaro and dumps him into the
crowd barrier. He rolls Cesaro back in and goes for another ten beats
but Cesaro gets free and hits a HUGE uppercut when Sheamus goes for the
Battering Ram. Cesaro grabs Sheamus and rams his head into the ring
post, then hits the Powerplex on Sheamus from outside the ropes! Cesaro
hits a huge powerbomb and chest stomp and gets two. Cesaro continues and
hits uppercuts in two corners. Sheamus rushes out of the second corner
and hits a huge Irish Curse Backbreaker. He stomps at Cesaro and
clotheslines him to the mat, dropping a huge knee on Cesaros neck twice
from the second rope. Sheamus goes up again and huts a third, and NEARLY
gets a fall. Cesaro comes back and hits a HUGE flying uppercut from the
turnbuckle and gets two. He rushes Sheamus in the corner and runs into a
big boot twice. Sheamus goes to the top rope, misses and attack but
rolls out of it. He misses a clothesline and Cesaro hits a HUGE uppercut
out of nowhere and NEARLY gets a pin.
Cesaro slaps at
Sheamus and whips him into the ropes but Sheamus comes back with a
powerslam, getting two. Sheamus sets up for the Brogue but misses.
Cesaro hits the German Suplex and gets two! Cesaro tries for the
Neutralizer but Sheamus counters with White Noise…1…2…KICKOUT.
Wow. Both guys get to their feet. Sheamus goes for the Cloverleaf.
Cesaro kicks Sheamus away. Cesaro goes off the ropes but Sheamus catches
him and puts him into the Cloverleaf again! Cesaro claws for the ropes
and gets there. Cesaro hits an Inverted Suplex and hits the Cesaro Swing
getting nearly 20 spins. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer but Sheamus
hits the Small Package pin for the win at 11:27.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Sheamus via Small Package
GRADE: Solid A. That was great. Like the Main Event match, only with an ending.
Post-match, Sheamus grins ear to ear as Cesaro and Heyman cannot believe it.
Plug for the WWE Countdown Show.
We’re back and we get a lead-up to the next match.
MATCH #2: Goldust & Cody Rhodes vs. RybAxel (Ryback & Curtis Axel)
and Axel to start. Dust gets a nice slap in the corner and Axel comes
back with punches. He tosses Dust into the ropes and Dust reverses and
hits an Atomic Drop and armdrag, tagging in Cody. He’s all over Axel and
a tag to Ryback. The Rhodes Brothers double team him with a kick to the
stomach and a follow-up elbow to the back of his head. Tag to Axel and
Axel hits a quick kneelift and tags in Ryback. Double teaming and a
corner splash. Series of tags back and forth. Axel hits a double
axehandle off the buckle. Tag to Ryback who stomps at Dust and works on
his arm. Ryback hits a huge suplex and gets two. Quick armlock by Ryback
as the crowd is behind Dust to escape. He does but Ryback body slams
him. He picks Dust up but Dust counters with a small package for two
and then hits an elbow. Dust trues for a tag but can’t do it. Axel is
in and stops him by slinging him into the heel corner. Dust fights out
and hits a NICE rolling Powerbomb for two. He makes the hot tag to Cody
who boots Ryback and a Missile Dropkick. Axel goes off the top rope from
the outside but Cody catches him as well and then hits a Double
Moonsault on both men. Cody gets two and goes for the Disaster Kick but
Ryback catches him and throws him into Dust. Ryback hits the Meathook
but Dust makes the save on the pin. Ryback rushes and gets caught in
Cross-Rhodes! Axel makes the save and gets tossed out of the ring. Cody
goes for another move but Ryback hits Shell Shock for the win at around
WINNERS: RybAxel via Shell Shock
GRADE: C+. That wasn’t too bad. A little quick but that was fitting.
Cody sits in the ring and can’t believe it. Dust comes in to console
him but Cody’s not having it. He asks for a mic. Cody says, “Brother to
brother, you need a better tag team partner than me.” Then he leaves and
Dust looks destroyed.
JBL: “I wasn’t expecting that.” Really?
We get an ad for whatever shitty Mountain Dew flavor the announcers are pretending to like.
We get a video of Wrigley Field as the boys lament the fact that the ballpark will never have a winner.
is introduced as she plugs Russia and Putin. Rusev is suddenly
“residing in Moscow”, according to the announcer. He comes out waving
the Russian flag like he’s killing swarms of bees.
MATCH #3: Rusev (w/ Lana) vs. Big E
(G/F: “Yeah, you’re fucked now, Rusev! E’s got a FLAG, TOO!”) The
two run at each other and collide. Rusev takes over with giant fists. E
comes back, doing the same, but Rusev hits a German Suplex Throw on E.
He beats on E with punches and a corner splash as the crowd chants that
they want Ziggler. Rusev rushes E in the corner but E counters, hitting a
Spinebuster! Rusev struggles to get up and E HITS A SPEAR TO THE
OUTSIDE! HOLY SHIT. E gets to his feet as Lana nearly pops a vein,
screaming at Rusev to get up. E puts Rusev back in and gets two. E runs
at Rusev but Rusev hits Sweet Russian Music HARD on E’s chin. Lana tells
Rusev to CRUSH. Accolade by Rusev. E tries to escape but, fuck it. E
taps at 3:43.
WINNER: Rusev via Accolade
D+. Come on. A nice, big, long match could have really gotten Rusev
over. He remains boring as hell with another short match where he
practically squashes one of the better guys on the roster. What sense
does that make?
The next PPV is Money in the Bank. Whoever thought the idea of a talking pile of money was awesome needs to be fired.
Daniel Bryan and Brie Bella are backstage, talking. We can’t hear what they’re saying.
MATCH #4: Kofi Kingston vs. Bo Dallas
of boring noobs…we begin…and Kane? He gets in the ring. Dallas
bails. Kofi attacks, gets his ass kicked, then gets Chokeslammed and
Tombstoned all as Dallas looks on. Kane hits fire and leaves the ring.
Refs tend to Kofi. Dallas grabs a mic and tells Kofi he’ll be back on
his feet. All he has to do is BO-LIEVE. Kane destroyed the wrong fucking
WINNER: No contest.
GRADE: Do you even
have to ask? By the way: the last three matches were added at the last
second. We flew threw three of them in ten minutes and one of them
wasn’t even a match. Honestly, what was the point of having them at all?
At the very least, they finally DID close the door on the Rhodes
Clips from the Payback Kick-Off Show where Torito beat Hornswaggle and Swaggle got his head shaved.
MATCH #5: Rob Van Dam (challenger) vs. Bad News Barrett (champion) for the WWE Intercontinental Championship
says that he’s got bad news: RVD isn’t going to be the champ and that
RVD is Old Yeller. Lock-up and Barrett gets his arm locked but fights
out. Quick brawl between the two. Both men punch each other until RVD
hits a spinning kick. Crowd is split. (G/F: “So every single feud has to have a Let’s Go Cena/Cena sucks chant, huh?”) Barrett
gets tossed from the ring. RVD kicks him and the fight spills outside.
RVD tosses him into the barricade and punches at him. He breaks the
count and then hits a huge Flying Roundhouse as the crowd chants, “ECW”.
RVD puts Barrett into the ring and hits a flying legdrop off the top
rope. Two count. RVD tosses Barrett into the corner but Barrett reverses
and kicks RVD in the nads as RVD misses a handstand counter. RVD goes
outside and Barrett hits an elbow off the mat. The fight goes back in
the ring. Barrett drapes RVD on the top rope, punches at him and
celebrates, then hits a kneelift and gets a two-count.
by Barrett as the announcers joke about how much more interesting
British celebrities would be more interesting if they delivered bad
news. RVD gets to his feet and hits another spinning kick on a counter.
RVD hits running clotheslines and rams Barrett’s head into the corner
buckle. He tries Rolling Thunder but Barrett gets up. RVD puts him back
down with Sweet RVD Music and Rolling Thunder. He goes for the Splash
but misses by a mile. Barrett misses the Bullhammer! RVD hits a Scissor
Pin but gets two! RVD gets up and flies right into Winds of Change! Two
count! Barrett goes for the Bullhammer outside but hits the ring post!
Fight goes back inside and RVD hits a HUGE DDT! Two Count. He goes for a
Senton off the ropes but Barrett puts the knees up and RVD goes down.
Barrett gets up and hits the Bullhammer and we’re done at 9:28.
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Bad News Barrett via Bullhammer
GRADE: B-. Finally picked up on the last half. Well-fought.
King takes a swig of Mountain Dew, makes a face like he just swallow cow testicles and then grins.
We get a recap of the whole Daniel Bryan title thing.
that, Steph gets in the ring wearing a body dress. Homina,
homina…Steph thanks the audience and says that tonight is a historic
night. Will Daniel Bryan give up the title or will she be forced to fire
Brie. She brings Daniel Bryan out. The crowd pops big-time. Steph says
this is all on him. She says that she knows they’ll conceive some
“weird, bearded babies” but she wants to know what story the Daniel
Bryan family will tell those children.
says that Steph’s ignoring what this audience wants. He’s giving Steph
the chance to change her mind. The crowd chants for CM Punk. The look on
Bryan’s face is pure incredulity. Steph says that the crowd doesn’t
care. They WANT him to quit, just like CM Punk.
Bryan says that Steph is…what’s the word?
says that Brie made a poor choice in a husband. Brie says that it’s
time for Bryan to do the right thing. She puts her hands out. Bryan
takes the belt in his hands…Brie blocks her husband and then says
she’s not gonna be a powerless victim. Steph doesn’t control her. Steph
says Brie works for Steph. Brie says she’s wrong. She can’t fire her,
Steph goes Sheer Evil and laughs in Brie’s
face, cackling big time. So Brie slaps Steph in the face! The crowd
loves it. Daniel Bryan and Brie do the YES Chant. Steph leaves the ring,
NEXT TIME ON LEGENDS HOUSE: The wrestlers do a roast for some reason.
Back from break, Cole attaches the words, “critically acclaimed” to the show. They recap what’s just happened.
We get a recap for the Cena/Wyatt feud.
MATCH #6: Bray Wyatt (w/ Luke Harper & Erick Rowan) vs. John Cena (w/ Jimmy & Jey Uso)
loves the Wyatts so it doesn’t look like the King Beating Spot worked
much. Wyatt waits outside the ring as Cena is introduced. Cena comes
out, sans Usos. That makes no sense whatsoever. The Wyatt Family
gets in the ring to jump Cena…and HERE are the Usos. The Wyatts bail.
The Usos pound the mat to get the crowd roaring and an Uso chant starts.
This is awesome. It’s a brawl to start. Bray hits a mean uppercut and a
back elbow off an Irish Whip. Bray puts Cena in the corner and hits a
running clothesline. Cena gets to his feet, Bray dances around the ring
with him and Cena hits moves 1 through 3, then goes for the Five Knuckle
Shuffle and hits it. AA attempt doesn’t work and Bray hits a Gutbuster,
kneeing Cena in the stomach with a knee. Bray kicks Cena but misses the
Reverse Senton. Cena tries the STF but Wyatt kicks out and hits the
Bray goes into Hanging Spider mode
and Sister Abigail but Cena blocks. The two goes into the ropes and
Wyatt hits a shoulderblock. Cena hangs off the ropes and Wyatt drops
Cena’s neck off the ropes. Cena gets to his feet. The Family comes to
help out and the Usos back up Cena. Wyatt gets back into the ring and
goes for a Superplex but Cena breaks out with a headbutt. Cena goes top
rope and hits the Flying Legdrop. Both men are down. Bray gets up. As
does Cena. Cena tries the AA but Wyatt counters and hits Sister Abigail.
Cena twitches at 5. Cena to his knee at 7 and to his feet at 8. Bray
rushes at Cena and flies right into the AA! Wyatt Spiders up at 7.
Wyatts hit the ring and so do the Usos. It’s a brawl that spills
outside. Harper flies outside but hits Rowan instead of the Usos. One of
the Usos goes off the top rope and splashes both Wyatts and the other
Uso. Back in the ring, Wyatt has a chair and clubs Cena with it. Cena
rolls outside. Cena gets to his knees at 6 and then to his feet. Bray
misses the chair to the head, Cena grabs it and clubs Bray across the
back. Back in the ring, Cena nails Bray with the chair again. Bray’s
mouth is bleeding. Cena goes outside, looks under the mat and gets a
table, sliding it inside the ring. He sets it up. Bray attacks but Cena
gets Bray up for the AA…Bray counters and hits the Suplex Throw on
Cena THROUGH THE TABLE.
Cena’s up to his feet at 8.
Bray puts the steel steps in the ring and nails Cena in the face. He
gets the crowd to sing HGTWWIHH. Cena gets to his feet. He sets Cena up
across the steel steps and then goes outside for the chair, tossing it
into the ring. He misses the chair shot. Cena hits it instead, then
nails Bray with the steel steps. Bray rolls out of the ring and lands on
his feet. Cena lifts up the steps and throws them out of the ring right
at Bray’s head like a Cliff Lee fastball. Bray gets to his feet at 9.
Cena goes under the mat for another table, then goes after Bray instead
but Bray hits Sister Abigail! Holy shit. Cena gets to his feet at 7 as
the crowd chants, “THIS IS AWESOME”.
Bray tosses Cena
at the ring post but Cena reverses and Bray flies into the post instead.
He pulls Bray to his ropes and goes for a powerbomb on the steps but
Bray reverses it and back drops Cena on the steps instead. Cena is still
down at 5 and Bray flies at Cena, hitting the Reverse Senton. Cena gets
up to his knees at 5 and gets to his feet at 6. Bray kicks at Cena,
brawling outside. Bray beats on Cena, then grabs a chair but Cena
counters and hits the AA on the mat outside. During the count, The Wyatt
Family comes in out of whatever black hole they were in and attack
Cena. They help Bray up and then attack Cena some more. They go outside
and set up a table.
The Usos appear and they fly at the
Wyatts outside. Jimmy gets clubbed into the face when trying to go
outside for Harper. Tables get set up. Bray’s practically dead outside
and the ref isn’t counting. Rowan and Jey fight. Jey hits Chin Music and
then Rikishi Splashes Rowan into the table. Jimmy attacks Harper, but
Harper puts Jimmy up on the top turnbuckle AND SUPERPLEXES JIMMY THROUGH
THE TABLES OUTSIDE!!! Crowd is chanting “HOLY SHIT” as Bray and Cena
get to their feet. Cena goes for the AA but Bray kicks out, misses a
clothesline. Bray runs at Cena and they go right into the timekeeper’s
pit. The two get up and fight into the crowd. Bray picks Cena up and
dumps Bray into the pyro/audo pit, causing a firework to blow up. He
picks up Cena who grabs Bray for the AA…and CENA AA’S HIM INTO A
HARDWARE CRATE! Then he pushes another hardware crate on top of that
crate, climbs on top of it. The ref counts ten and Cena’s your winner at
LAST MAN STANDING: John Cena
A+. Way, way, WAY better than expected. Satisfying as hell. That was
the Match of the Night so far and a candidate for Match of the Year.
Post-match, the Usos celebrate with Cena.
Plug for the Money in the Bank PPV.
Special Olympics plug.
Divas Match is next.
Me: Oh good. Here’s your Divas Match.
G/F: Why don’t you just get it over with and write the “F” in there right now?
MATCH #7: Alicia Fox (challenger) vs. Paige (champion) for the WWE Divas Championship
up and armdrag by Paige. Fox dumps Paige outside as Cole actually says,
“You can’t win the title outside the ring.” Fox and Paige fight outside
the ropes as Paige hits knees and suplexes her inside, hitting elbows
on Fox in the corner. Fox rolls outside and starts crying. Paige goes
after her but Fox trips her. Fox goes into crazy mode again, taunting
fans. Paige recovers and rams her into the barricade. Paige pulls her by
her hair up the steel steps but Fox tosses her up and into the air.
Paige crashes into the barricade and gets rolled back into the ring. Fox
hits a Bridge Suplex and gets two. Fox yells something about having her
face ruined and then hits an armlock to Bridge Chinlock. Fox puts Paige
into another submission move, bending Paige’s back over her knee, then
hits a Spinning Backbreaker on her for two. King: “You never know who a
woman truly is until you meet her in court.” Ouch. Fox goes for another
Spinning Backbreaker but decides to toss Paige outside instead. Paige
gets back in the ring with a dropkick and clotheslines, then does a
“Roman Reigns roar”. She hits the PTO and we’re done at 6:17. JBL:
“Somebody call security NOW before something bad happens.”
WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: Paige via PTO
GRADE: D+. Eh…can we put an end to Fox now and actually test Paige with someone else?
The crowd chants, “YOU TAPPED OUT”. Fox threatens to go apeshit…but doesn’t for a change.
We get a nice shot of the city of Chicago outside the arena.
checks in with the WWE Panel, Josh Matthews, Alex Riley and Booker T.
Kofi is noticeably absent. Strangely, the panel talks about everything
We get a recap of the Shield/Evolution feud.
#8: Evolution (Triple H, Randy Orton, and Batista) vs. The Shield (Dean
Ambrose, Seth Rollins, and Roman Reigns) in No Holds Barred Elimination
Tag Team Match
Somebody in the crowd has a sign that says,
“SPEAR ME, ROMAN”. Uh…bell rings and it’s a Pier 6 Brawl to start.
Batista and Reigns fall outside. Orton dumps Ambrose. HHH and Rollins
are in the ring. Rollins hits an Enzuguri. The right just falls into the
crowd. Orton and Ambrose brawl. You can’t follow this. Rollins dumps
HHH back in. Batista and Reigns end up back outside the ring as Batista
gets sent into the steel steps. Ambrose gets dumped into the
Timekeeper’s pit. Reigns puts Batista back in and uppercuts him. Ambrose
finds his way back into the Shield corner. Reigns tags Rollins who puts
Batista down and then stomps on him. Batista sends Rollins into the
buckle. Tag to Orton who gets elbowed off the ropes by Rollins. Tag to
Ambrose. Double Suplex by the Shield. Ambrose hits an elbow smash and
then puts Orton into a reverse leglock while taunting Evolution. Ambrose
pulls Orton into his corner. Reigns tags in. Orton manages to break
free and tag Batista.
Reigns puts Batista out. Ambrose
tags in but flies into a Batista Spinebuster. Tag to HHH. Ambrose put
into the corner but kicks at HHH and tags Reigns…the two glare at one
another and then finally lock up. HHH into the ropes and he gets a
shoulderblock from Reigns. HHH gets up. Reigns hits a body drop off a
run. Tag to Ambrose. Ambrose headbutts HHH and stomps him. Ambrose tags
Rollins who splashes HHH and hits three straight suplexes. Tag to
Ambrose who puts his foot on HHH’s face and hits a rolling splash in the
corner. Two count. Ambrose goes to the top rope but HHH kicks him in
the face on the way down. Tag to Batista who tosses Ambrose into the
barrier, stomping away. HHH and Batista double team Ambrose with the
ref’s back turned even though it’s supposed to be no-DQ. Tag to Orton.
Ambrose fights him off and tosses him into the ropes but can’t hit the
body drop. Orton tosses Ambrose to the mat by his hair.
to HHH who drops some knees to Ambrose. HHH tries to whip Ambrose into
the corner but Ambrose reverses and HHH gets sent into the buckle and
out of the ring. Ambrose crawls to his corner but HHH stops him. HHH
hits the Kneelift but Ambrose bounces off the ropes and hits a
clothesline. Hot tag to Reigns who takes out Orton and beats on Batista
in the corner, then a HUGE running clothesline. Rollins comes in and
takes out Orton who leaps on the mat. HHH gets in and Reigns body drops
him, then kicks Batista in the head. Superman Punch by Reigns but HHH
makes the save. Pier 6 Brawl again which breaks up. HHH tosses Rollins
into the barrier. Orton tosses Ambrose into the ring post. HHH tosses
Rollins into the crowd and they fight there. Ambrose and Orton fight
into the crowd as well. Rollins fights off HHH and then leaps at him off
the barrier. HHH clocks him with something and Ambrose is down. COLE:
“What was that?” KING: “I dunno…something metal.”
and Batista fight outside now. Reigns put Batista’s head into the post.
Reigns starts stripping the table. Orton attacks and then he’s joined
by Triple H. They strip down the rest of the Spanish Announce Table.
They set Reigns up for the Triple Powerbomb and put him right through
the table. Evolution rest for a second and assess the damage they just
did. Refs tend to Reigns. Evolution goes back to Reigns and mock him
with the Shield fists. Ambrose comes out of nowhere and takes out all
three guys! Rollins follows up and does the same to HHH and Orton. It’s
just a brawl now. HHH tosses Ambrose into the ramp barrier as the fight
goes up the ramp. Evolution grabs chairs and clocks Ambrose and Rollins.
HHH powerbombs Ambrose on a chair, then hits a Pedigree on Rollins on
top of another one. Evolution heads back to the ring and surrounds
Reigns, who realizes how fucked he is.
Reigns runs at
Batista who hits a Spinebuster. Orton stomps at Reigns. Batista goes
outside as HHH and Orton strip Reigns of his top. Batista brings the
ring steps inside. Orton gets a Kendo Stick or two. HHH rams Reigns’
head into the steps. Orton absolutely whacks Reigns across the back with
the stick. Batista does the same. The two take turns. HHH gets a stick
and joins in. Reigns struggles to his feet with giant welts on his back.
Reigns knocks Orton out with the Superman Punch. HHH immediately
attacks and then gets a chair, clubbing Reigns with it. They beat up
Reigns because Ambrose and Reigns are apparently MIA. Ambrose finally
interferes and he gets swarmed by Evolution. Orton hits him with the
off-rope DDT, using one of the lighting rigs. Evolution grabs Reigns and
gets a chair…AND ROLLINS LEAPS OFF THE JUMBOTRON AND SPLASHES
Rollins drags himself back into the ring.
Batista is with him and charges. Batista gets kicked in the face.
Rollins goes to the second buckle and leaps…BATISTA CATCHES HIM AND
HITS THE SPINEBUSTER! Batista goes for the Batista Bomb, Rollins fights
out of it…AND REIGNS HITS THE SPEAR! Cover by Rollins and Batista is
1st Eliminated: Batista of Evolution
gets into the ring and hits Rollins with the RKO! Reigns saves it!
Orton sets up the DDT…but Ambrose nails him with a chair! Dirty Deeds
and a pinfall! Orton’s gone!
2nd Eliminated: Orton of Evolution
is into the ring and sets up for Dirty Deeds but HHH hits a low blow.
He sets up for the Pedigree but Reigns hits the Superman Punch on HHH!
BATISTA GETS INTO THE RING AND HITS A SPEAR ON REIGNS! Holy shit. Orton,
meanwhile, goes under the ring and gets HHH’s sledgehammer. HHH gets to
his feet but Ambrose is there. He rushes but HHH knocks him out with
it. HHH turns to Reigns and tells him to get up. HHH goes to clock him
but Rollins nails him off the ropes out of nowhere! Reigns with a Spear
and The Shield wins it all at 31:03.
3rd Eliminated: Triple H of Evolution
WINNERS: The Shield
B+. A liiiiitle too much Shield peril as the match just dragged on for
no reason other to make this “epic”. The beginning and middle got sloppy
before things came to an end. The “elimination” gimmick, paired with
No-DQ kinda made things a little messy.
Post-match, Reigns and the boys get up. Reigns stands on HHH’s chest as they join fists.
OVERALL: B+. The throwaway matches lowered the grade. Still, I liked this one.
you to all my readers and if you wanna read more of my stuff, please
visit WE HATE YOUR GIMMICK at http://wehateyourgimmick.blogspot.com and,
of course, visit us on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/groups/wehateyourgimmick/.
Sadly, the BoD Preshow Battle Royal was cut out for time restraints and will appear tomorrow night on BoD RAW.
First, since the start time poll for BoD RAW tied between 10:35 and 11:35, vote again and the winning time will be decided at noon tomorrow.
The PPV opens up with a
terribly corny mob guy speaking about payback in between promo videos for
Ryback vs. Cena and Jericho vs. Punk
Miz vs. Curtis Axel vs. Wade Barrett – IC Title
literally hate everything about The Miz. I hate his jacket, his catchphrase, I
hate the stupid way he walks to the ring, I hate his hand sign. I boo that man.
What I do not boo is the bit of Perfect’s music spliced into Curtis’ theme. Am
I the only one who feels that Barrett’s jacket really kills his cool factor?
It’s so out of place. Miz and Barrett start off the match, keeping things
crisp. Eventually, Barrett is out as Miz and Axel do damn well for themselves.
I’ve never seen Curtis wrestle, and if what I see here is any indication of
what he’s capable of, then he’s gonna be alright. Not sure if it was
intentional or not, but Axel does the Mr. Perfect “you kick my leg while
I’m holding the rope and I do a flip” spot. They eventually get all three
in the ring, and they continue to tear it up. Curtis almost gets Wade with the
Perfectplex, which causes the building to absolutely explode. Miz tries to tap
out Barrett with the Figure 4, but Axel comes in and pins Barrett, and the
crowd goes nuts. This was one HELL of a match. Really, it’s fantastic, marking
the first time since Jericho and Mysterio fought over the IC title that I felt
the belt was actually worth something. This one kept rolling without a hitch,
and is one of the best openers I’ve seen in a good long while. Hell of a way to
open the PPV.
pins Barrett while Miz has him in the Figure 4 at 10:36 | ***1/2 A fantastic opener, with Curtis getting
a real chance to shine. Look for it.
Triple H & Curtis have a stare down. Vince shows up, and he has the
pompadour back, which is good because he just wasn’t Vince with the Cesar cut.
vs. AJ Lee – Divas Championship
starts the match by tossing AJ outside and then throwing her over the Spanish
announce table. It’s nice when the women actually show some passion. AJ quickly
turns the momentum to her side by goading Kaitlyn to chase her around ring
side, then climbing up the ring apron and leaping off it with a drop-kick to
Kaitlyn’s face as she rounds the corner. Back in, AJ hits her with a
neckbreaker, continues to hold it and brings Kaitlyn back up for another.
That’s what I like to see, distinctive, cool maneuvers that actually separate
one diva from another. Kaitlyn eventually earns her momentum back with a series
of harsh clotheslines, followed by a sweet Dean Malenko-style
off-the-shoulders-gut-buster. AJ soon puts Kaitlyn in the Black Widow
submission, which is great, but once she gets out she hits AJ with one of the
harshest spears I’ve ever seen. You know, the term to describe most divas is
hot, but AJ is the first one I’d say is sexy. Normally a girl needs more curves
to earn Caliber’s affection, but I can make an exception for AJ. I’m sure
she’ll be delighted to hear this. As for the match, AJ soon makes Kaitlyn tap
to the Black Widow, ending one of the best WWE women’s matches I’ve ever seen.
It was technical, hard-hitting, with little to no botching. A hell of an
effort. Great stuff. Naturally, Kaitlyn is distressed, and the Chicago crowd
tries to cheer her up with chants of “you tapped out”. She’s actually
not a bad actress, as she makes herself cry on command. These two are definite
forces Kaitlyn to tap out to the Black Widow submission at 9:56 |
***1/4 One hell of a woman’s match. They went out there and busted their asses.
I hope they keep this up
then get some jabber from the “Payback panel,” which I guess was part
of the pre-show. It looks like they’re trying to emulate those football pre- and
post-shows, where commentators and former/current football stars talk about the
game. I think it’s a great idea, and I’d watch a show that was entirely that.
this Wyatt Family thing? Are they supposed to be like a heel version of Duck
Dynasty or something?
vs. Dean Ambrose [C] – US Championship
someone in the comments section mentioned seeing a person in a “I’M A
CHRIS BENOIT GUY” T-shirt. I just saw him as Ambrose was coming through
the crowd. The only guy I want to punch more than the type who laughs at their
own jokes is the one who purposely tries to be offensive. As for this match, it
doesn’t have much going for it, to be honest. It’s rather basic. Kane is really
much better suited for tag teams. King finally makes the comparison we all made
months ago when he says Ambrose is like Ledger’s Joker. It’s a pretty basic Raw
match, really. It’s not terrible, and isn’t a blemish for the PPV, it just
doesn’t live up to what we’ve seen tonight. Pretty sweet DDT Ambrose hits on
Kane outside. As it goes, the DDT causes Kane to be unable to make the 10
count, thus a win for Ambrose.
wins via count-out at 9:34 |
**1/4 Perfectly suitable match, but nothing worth seeking out
the RVD video. I’m interested to see him back in the WWE, hopefully giving a
damn and getting a program with the likes of Punk or Jericho.
Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler [C] – WHC
Russo were writing this, Ziggler’s concussion would have him being all sorts of
confused, and he’d have him kiss Big E on his way to the ring because it’d draw
money and get him over. They really need to unify the WHC with the IC title,
and then make the IC title the belt. Bam, the IC title is worth what it was 25
years ago, and you don’t have two fucking world titles in your company. The
Twitter Ticker is so damn obnoxious and reeks of TRL.
Rio is fierce on Ziggler, giving him absolutely no chance to breathe, and
chasing him any time he gets but a few feet away. Dolph is acting like his
previous concussion is affecting him, which causes Alberto to beat the living
hell out of his skull. They’re clearly going for a double turn here. Del Rio
nails a…well, there’s no name for it, really. You act like you’re going to go
for a Scorpion Death Drop, but pick the person up and drop them down in a
Diamond Cutter. Except he did it from the top rope. Great moment when Ziggler
is outside and a trainer keeps trying to get him to stop the match and Ziggler
yells “NO! I’M FINE!” as Del Rio comes flying through the ropes, feet
first into Dolph’s skull. He soon wins the match by winding up and kicking
Dolph in the head. Really? The guy’s first defense and he loses? Why do they
hate him? Either way, this match made Dolph look gutsy as hell, and very much a
fighting champion. However, from a quality stand point it just wasn’t that
great. It was literally nothing but Del Rio kicking Ziggler in the head for 13
minutes. The double turn was interesting though.
Rio boots Ziggler in the skull for the pin at 13:49 |
**3/4 They went a different way with this one, and went big on story
telling. I’m fine with that, but save it for TV
Punk vs. Chris Jericho
trade some mat wrestling in the beginning, with neither really able to hold the
momentum. Jericho is finally the first to build a little bit, but it’s cut
short with a neckbreaker from Punk. CM has an awesome moment when he whips
Jericho into the turnbuckle and delivers the running knee where he stays with
the opponent, then bulldogs him. Well, after delivering the knee, he looks to
Cole and says “vintage Punk!” The bulldog is stopped short by Jericho,
however. They trade submissions in a pretty sweet spot, followed by a few
finishers. Jericho hits a super Codebreaker when Punk does his clothesline from
the top-rope. I love stuff like that. An awesome finish soon comes afterward
when Punk hits a GTS on Jericho, causing him to stagger into the corner then
back out, where Punk grabs him for another GTS and the pin. Needless to say,
these guys went out and killed it again. It wasn’t as great as WM, or Extreme
Rules, but they completely brought the goods, without having to repeat any of
their other matches. Great stuff.
hits Jericho with the GTS for the pin at 21:21 |
****1/4 This match is fantastic, definitely worth obtaining the PPV for.
Reigns & Seth Rollins [C] vs. Randy Orton & Daniel Bryan – WWE Tag Team
too bad D-Bry is saying ‘yes’ again, because this tag-team could have been
called RKNo. D-Bry and Reigns are in first, with Orton eventually tagging in.
An awesome moment soon comes when Orton attempts to put Reigns in the second
rope DDT, but then just throws him to the side like so much trash in order to
grab Rollins and give him the DDT. For the second time tonight, the crowd has a
booming chant for RVD. The Shield cuts the ring in half, keeping Randy on their
side for quite a while until Bryan is tagged in, and he does massive damage
with drop-kicks so big he almost leaps over the top rope. The finish sees D-Bry
eating a spear because of Orton, and then getting hit with…not sure what to
call it. It’s set up like a Fameasser, except Rollins runs at you, jumps and
steps on your head, then drives it down. Pretty interesting. As for the match,
it delivered. The Shield was dominant, and looked like tag champions should.
There wasn’t a slow moment, and serves as another bright spot on the PPV.
pins D-Bry after a Stepmaster at 12:10 |
*** A solid match that did great things for all parties involved
vs. John Cena [C] – 3 Stages of Hell for the WWE Championship
has “Unlimited Energy” written on the straps of his singlet. How is
that supposed to scare or intimidate anyone? I don’t think anyone has ever been
afraid of a cup of coffee. Ryaback controls a good portion of the beginning,
keeping Cena down with his usual power offense. The first stand-out moment of
the match is when Ryback is thrown outside and causes a brawl between all 30
wrestlers. Cena then climbs to the top of the rope and jumps into the fray.
Back in, Cena goes for the STFU, but Ryback reveres it into the Shellshock for
the pin. I would have thought they wouldn’t be smart enough to have a guy
they’re trying to build actually pin the champ, but they were. Ryback brings in
a table, then both try to put one another through it to no avail, it’s finally
destroyed when Ryback throws steel stairs right through it as he was aiming for
Cena. Another one is destroyed the same way. I miss blood. This match needs
Cena gushing, and Ryback reveling in it, painting himself with it. Ryback is
finally driven through the table with the FU. He answers back by powerbombing
Cena through the announcers table, then dragging him to the ambulance where
they tear it apart in ridiculous but entertaining fashion. They battle to the
top where Cena delivers an FU that drives Ryback through the roof of the
ambulance, which is pretty sweet. Overall, not a bad match whatsoever. Ryback
looked very strong, even getting a clean pin on Cena. The tables and ambulance
match were more fitting to Ryback’s abilities and the more entertaining portion
of the 3 stages. A perfectly acceptable ending to a PPV that’s been stellar.
delivers an FU that puts Ryback through the ambulance roof for the win at 24:38
| ***1/4 A worthwhile main event that works in context of the PPV, but
nothing really worth hunting down alone
Showdown: For a PPV that no one thought would be worth much, if anything, they
really came through. We got a fantastic opener, one of the best women’s matches
I’ve ever seen, another classic from Punk and Jericho, and an entertaining main
event. This is one that’s definitely worth checking out, and probably the
biggest surprise of the year.
I did see on a random clickover to your Blog that you did like the Mark Henry swerve. I'm interested to see what you had to say about the rest.
Didn’t see an open thread ready for tonight’s Payback pay-per-view, so now we have one.