Survivor Series Countdown: 1995

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1995 – This is one of those weird shows, in that Vince was completely self-destructing behind the scenes, but the product was great for some reason. Maybe distraction allows him to focus better or something, who knows. – Live from Washington, DC– Your hosts are Vincent K, Jim Ross, and making his surprise return…Mr. Perfect. By the way, I actually had a few people e-mail and ask me this, so let me clear up a Netcop Joke: Mr. Spiffy is my pet name for Mr. Perfect, because when he joined WCW in 1997 it was obvious he was never going to get over as “Curt Hennig”, so I suggested that they call him the next best thing — Mr. Spiffy. He could then say things like “Now that’s what I call…spiffy!” and have some fun parodying himself by doing skits where he’d be almost, but not quite, perfect at various sports, missing by a few inches each time. Anyway… – Opening match: Marty Jannetty, Hakushi, Barry Horowitz & Bob Holly v. Bodydonna Skip, Rad Radford, Dr. Tom Pritchard & The 1-2-3 Kid. This would be Kid’s debut as a heel, one week after guest-reffing a match between Ramon and Sid, and turning on him. Rad Radford (the late Louie Spicoli) is a “Bodydonna in training” at this point, although ironically it would be PRITCHARD who would shortly be repackaged as “Zip”, Skip’s partner. Jannetty cleans house to start, and he looks thoroughly baked so tags out quickly. Rad gets the better of Hakushi, who then gets beat on in the heel corner. Crowd starts chanting for Barry Horowitz, which is pretty surreal. I still wonder why Vince didn’t just PUSH the guy if he was so over. It’s not rocket science, I mean it’s not like there’s some genetic code that says a guy has to be a jobber his entire career. Holly gets a quick pin on the Doctor with a flying bodypress, and Skip rolls *him* up right after to send him packing. Hakushi and the Kid do a great little sequence, and Radford pins Hakushi after Kid kicks him in the head. Horowitz and the Kid go next, with Barry taking a beating. Radford continues it, but keeps picking him up. And what happens when a heel keeps picking up a jobber, kids? That’s right — he gets pinned while showboating, and this is no exception. Sunny yells at him, pretty much disqualifying him from the Bodydonna Sweepstakes. Skip & Barry have their showdown, but Kid pins Barry after a snap legdrop, leaving Janetty 2-on-1. He does a cool sequence with Skip, pinning him after a top rope powerbomb! That was pretty unheard of at that time in the WWF. Kid comes in and mops up with Jannetty, pinning him after an assist from Sid at 18:36. Minus a bit for the bad ending, but otherwise this was the shiznit, if you will. ***3/4 Survivor: 1-2-3 Kid. – Bertha Faye, Aja Kong, Tomoko Watanabe & Lioness Asuka v. Alundra Blayze, Sakie Hasegawa, Kyoko Inoue & Chapparita Asari. I had to get the names from the PWI Almanac because they had fucking Dok Hendrix shilling the crappy Survivor Series Commemorative T-shirt during the ring introductions. At least it’s not that Barry guy. And this would be a total spotfest as the women are basically given 10 minutes to wow the crowd. So Asari goes and pulls out the first ever Sky Twister Press on PPV, which is called “Whatamaneuver” by Vince, then called properly by JR. Blayze pins Asuka with the german suplex soon after. Hasegawa hits a chain of 5 double-underhook suplexes while we’re watching the replay of the Sky Twister Press. See, Vince had absolutely no idea how to deal with any match that exceeded the North American pace, which is why it took so long for him to grasp the whole cruiserweight concept. Aja Kong comes in and kick’s Hasegawa’s ass. Kong can best be described as the female Vader, I guess. The only woman I ever really followed in Japan was Akira Hokuto, so I’m pretty much at JR’s mercy for the backstory on these chicks. Aja nails a NASTY backdrop suplex, dropping Hasegawa right on her head, to get the pin. Asari comes in and tries a cross-body, bouncing right off Aja, then gets splashed and pinned. Inoue comes in and does a little more damage, but tries a sunset flip and gets sat on for the pin. That leaves Alundra 3-on-1. Blayze dominates Watanabe and pins her after a piledriver. Faye & Kong have a heel miscommunication moment and Bertha gets suplexed and pinned by Alundra. So it’s Kong v. Blayze. Alunda hits a missile dropkick and a standing moonsault, but Aja shoves her off the top rope and pins her after a spinning backhand at 10:00. Pretty damn good, given the circumstances. *** Survivor: Aja Kong. This was supposed to start Blayze’s next big program, but she went and dumped the Women’s title in a trash can on Nitro, the night after this if I’m not mistaken. – And since we’re in Washington, we get a visit from the fake Clinton for some hijinks. – Bam Bam Bigelow v. Goldust. Goldust’s entrance takes FOREVER. At this point he was just weird, rather than sexually deviant. Goldust s..l..o..w..l..y wears down the Bammer, then pins him with a bulldog at 8:18. Oh my god, that sucked. 1/4* Honest to god, I had nothing interesting to write between the introductions and the pinfall, it was that boring. – The Undertaker, Henry Godwinn, Fatu & Savio Vega v. King Mabel, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Isaac Yankem & Jerry Lawler. The story here is that, during the crack-induced period when Vince hired Bill Watts to book, Mabel did a big fat legdrop on UT’s face and broke it, necessitating a goofy purple mask that looks like something Kyle Raynor would be wearing today. Needless to say, Taker is PISSED, and is thus more over than ever. Most of the match (11 minutes to be exact) is meaningless filler, as the teams go through the motions of a match and the faces deliberately don’t tag UT in, saving him up for the big finish. Perfect, by the way, tells McMahon that Helmsley prefers to be called “Triple H”, although that name didn’t catch on until two years after this. Undertaker finally gets the hot tag, and obliterates the heel team. Lawler tries to run away, but none of the team will tag him, and the result is a tombstone, to a HUGE pop. Goodbye. Yankem comes in next, tombstone, goodbye. Of course, it would take THREE tombstones for UT to do the same thing when Wrestlemania XIV rolled around. HHH tries, gets chokeslammed from the ring apron into the ring, see ya. Mabel gets the brief advantage but UT sits up, and that’s all Mabel needs to see, deciding to take the smart route and run away to fight another day. Taker’s team gets the win at 14:23, with the entire team surviving. 1/2* – Wild Card match: Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, The British Bulldog & Sid v. Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Razor Ramon & Dean Douglas. If you’re thinking this team looks weird, you’re right. It was set up by Gorilla Monsoon stir things up. We get the one-and-only Shawn v. Shane match pretty early in, and it’s pretty good. Ahmed comes in and kicks ass, but tries to slam Yoko, which is immensely not smart. He gets beat on for a bit, then tags in Shawn, who pins Douglas on a rollup. Owen & Bulldog go next, then Shawn & Razor. JR wonders if they can have a match not involving a ladder. Razor gets the Edge, but Ahmed makes the save. Crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Sid comes in and stinks up the joint. He calls for Shawn’s help on a double-team superkick, but Ramon ducks and Sid takes it. Shawn gives a hilarious “Oh, well…” shrug, and Ramon pins Sid. Sid powerbombs Shawn for being a smart-ass, and I can’t say as I blame him. Razor gets two from it. Shawn then gets pummeled by Yokozuna, including that VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ahmed gets the hot tag and pins Owen quickly with the tiger bomb. Ramon cleans house but takes a spinebuster from Ahmed. Ahmed poses on the second rope, and Ramon comes from behind and Edge’s him off. Sid & Kid wander to ringside and distract Ramon, and he walks into a Bulldog powerslam as a result and gets pinned. So Yoko is 3-on-1. He does well against Shawn, but misses the FAT-ASSED BUTTDROP OF DEATH and Ahmed gets the hot tag. Bodyslam! Davey Boy comes in to break up the pin, because he’s a bad person and all. So Shawn superkicks Yoko and then ties up the Bulldog, allowing Ahmed to get the pin unfettered at 27:23. And now of course the Bulldog wants to celebrate with his teammates. Match wasn’t terrible. **1/4 Survivors: Michaels, Johnson, Bulldog. – WWF World title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Hart v. Michaels was already pencilled in for WM12, so it’s not like the result here was a secret of national security or anything. Diesel and Bret both pull off turnbuckle pads to reinforce that it’s no-DQ. Diesel pounds Bret in the corner, so Bret bails. They fight outside for a bit as Bret uncharacteristically runs like a chicken. Back in the ring for a slugfest, which Bret loses. He bails again, so Diesel rams him backfirst into the post. He grabs a chair and nails him for good measure. Back in the ring and he goes for the powerbomb early, but Bret blocks it and comes back. Lots of cheap stuff from Bret, then he starts working on the knees of the champ. Figure-four wears him down further, then Bret grabs a cable in an amazingly dickish move and hogtie’s Diesel’s ankles around the post. He takes the chair and demolishes his knee with it, actually drawing boos. Diesel finally looses himself and slams Bret off the top rope, then chokes him out with the cable. Side slam gets a two count. Nash is doing an amazing job of selling the injury at this point, the best I’ve ever seen him do. He manages Snake Eyes, but Bret reverses a second attempt and comes back. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret sends Diesel to the floor, but the pescado misses. Bret crawls onto the apron, and it’s HISTORY TIME! The biggest running gag in WWF’s history begins here, as Diesel shoves Bret off the apron, right through the Spanish announce table. Bret is acting like he’s on his deathbed. Diesel tosses him back in for the kill, but when he goes for the powerbomb Bret simply collapses. The ref wants to stop the match, but Diesel shoves him aside and tries it again…and Bret small packages him out of nowhere for the pin and the title at 24:50. Diesel clearly mouths a very naughty phrase at the camera which rhymes with “Another trucking skit”, then powerbombs Bret twice and takes out a bunch of refs, yelling “I’M BACK!” at the camera. He started pissing off the Undertaker soon after, and got jobbed out, leading to him joining WCW in 1996. Wonder whatever happened to him? This would be Nash’s second-best match ever, only eclipsed by the one he had with Michaels in 1996. ****1/4 The Bottom Line: Can’t lose here. Even if the offices of the WWF were going to hell, the workers were shining, especially the rising Shawn Michaels, the resurgent Bret Hart, and the newly motivated Diesel. Recommended show.

Survivor Series Countdown: 1995

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1995 – This is one of those weird shows, in that Vince was completely self-destructing behind the scenes, but the product was great for some reason. Maybe distraction allows him to focus better or something, who knows. – Live from Washington, DC– Your hosts are Vincent K, Jim Ross, and making his surprise return…Mr. Perfect. By the way, I actually had a few people e-mail and ask me this, so let me clear up a Netcop Joke: Mr. Spiffy is my pet name for Mr. Perfect, because when he joined WCW in 1997 it was obvious he was never going to get over as “Curt Hennig”, so I suggested that they call him the next best thing — Mr. Spiffy. He could then say things like “Now that’s what I call…spiffy!” and have some fun parodying himself by doing skits where he’d be almost, but not quite, perfect at various sports, missing by a few inches each time. Anyway… – Opening match: Marty Jannetty, Hakushi, Barry Horowitz & Bob Holly v. Bodydonna Skip, Rad Radford, Dr. Tom Pritchard & The 1-2-3 Kid. This would be Kid’s debut as a heel, one week after guest-reffing a match between Ramon and Sid, and turning on him. Rad Radford (the late Louie Spicoli) is a “Bodydonna in training” at this point, although ironically it would be PRITCHARD who would shortly be repackaged as “Zip”, Skip’s partner. Jannetty cleans house to start, and he looks thoroughly baked so tags out quickly. Rad gets the better of Hakushi, who then gets beat on in the heel corner. Crowd starts chanting for Barry Horowitz, which is pretty surreal. I still wonder why Vince didn’t just PUSH the guy if he was so over. It’s not rocket science, I mean it’s not like there’s some genetic code that says a guy has to be a jobber his entire career. Holly gets a quick pin on the Doctor with a flying bodypress, and Skip rolls *him* up right after to send him packing. Hakushi and the Kid do a great little sequence, and Radford pins Hakushi after Kid kicks him in the head. Horowitz and the Kid go next, with Barry taking a beating. Radford continues it, but keeps picking him up. And what happens when a heel keeps picking up a jobber, kids? That’s right — he gets pinned while showboating, and this is no exception. Sunny yells at him, pretty much disqualifying him from the Bodydonna Sweepstakes. Skip & Barry have their showdown, but Kid pins Barry after a snap legdrop, leaving Janetty 2-on-1. He does a cool sequence with Skip, pinning him after a top rope powerbomb! That was pretty unheard of at that time in the WWF. Kid comes in and mops up with Jannetty, pinning him after an assist from Sid at 18:36. Minus a bit for the bad ending, but otherwise this was the shiznit, if you will. ***3/4 Survivor: 1-2-3 Kid. – Bertha Faye, Aja Kong, Tomoko Watanabe & Lioness Asuka v. Alundra Blayze, Sakie Hasegawa, Kyoko Inoue & Chapparita Asari. I had to get the names from the PWI Almanac because they had fucking Dok Hendrix shilling the crappy Survivor Series Commemorative T-shirt during the ring introductions. At least it’s not that Barry guy. And this would be a total spotfest as the women are basically given 10 minutes to wow the crowd. So Asari goes and pulls out the first ever Sky Twister Press on PPV, which is called “Whatamaneuver” by Vince, then called properly by JR. Blayze pins Asuka with the german suplex soon after. Hasegawa hits a chain of 5 double-underhook suplexes while we’re watching the replay of the Sky Twister Press. See, Vince had absolutely no idea how to deal with any match that exceeded the North American pace, which is why it took so long for him to grasp the whole cruiserweight concept. Aja Kong comes in and kick’s Hasegawa’s ass. Kong can best be described as the female Vader, I guess. The only woman I ever really followed in Japan was Akira Hokuto, so I’m pretty much at JR’s mercy for the backstory on these chicks. Aja nails a NASTY backdrop suplex, dropping Hasegawa right on her head, to get the pin. Asari comes in and tries a cross-body, bouncing right off Aja, then gets splashed and pinned. Inoue comes in and does a little more damage, but tries a sunset flip and gets sat on for the pin. That leaves Alundra 3-on-1. Blayze dominates Watanabe and pins her after a piledriver. Faye & Kong have a heel miscommunication moment and Bertha gets suplexed and pinned by Alundra. So it’s Kong v. Blayze. Alunda hits a missile dropkick and a standing moonsault, but Aja shoves her off the top rope and pins her after a spinning backhand at 10:00. Pretty damn good, given the circumstances. *** Survivor: Aja Kong. This was supposed to start Blayze’s next big program, but she went and dumped the Women’s title in a trash can on Nitro, the night after this if I’m not mistaken. – And since we’re in Washington, we get a visit from the fake Clinton for some hijinks. – Bam Bam Bigelow v. Goldust. Goldust’s entrance takes FOREVER. At this point he was just weird, rather than sexually deviant. Goldust s..l..o..w..l..y wears down the Bammer, then pins him with a bulldog at 8:18. Oh my god, that sucked. 1/4* Honest to god, I had nothing interesting to write between the introductions and the pinfall, it was that boring. – The Undertaker, Henry Godwinn, Fatu & Savio Vega v. King Mabel, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Isaac Yankem & Jerry Lawler. The story here is that, during the crack-induced period when Vince hired Bill Watts to book, Mabel did a big fat legdrop on UT’s face and broke it, necessitating a goofy purple mask that looks like something Kyle Raynor would be wearing today. Needless to say, Taker is PISSED, and is thus more over than ever. Most of the match (11 minutes to be exact) is meaningless filler, as the teams go through the motions of a match and the faces deliberately don’t tag UT in, saving him up for the big finish. Perfect, by the way, tells McMahon that Helmsley prefers to be called “Triple H”, although that name didn’t catch on until two years after this. Undertaker finally gets the hot tag, and obliterates the heel team. Lawler tries to run away, but none of the team will tag him, and the result is a tombstone, to a HUGE pop. Goodbye. Yankem comes in next, tombstone, goodbye. Of course, it would take THREE tombstones for UT to do the same thing when Wrestlemania XIV rolled around. HHH tries, gets chokeslammed from the ring apron into the ring, see ya. Mabel gets the brief advantage but UT sits up, and that’s all Mabel needs to see, deciding to take the smart route and run away to fight another day. Taker’s team gets the win at 14:23, with the entire team surviving. 1/2* – Wild Card match: Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, The British Bulldog & Sid v. Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Razor Ramon & Dean Douglas. If you’re thinking this team looks weird, you’re right. It was set up by Gorilla Monsoon stir things up. We get the one-and-only Shawn v. Shane match pretty early in, and it’s pretty good. Ahmed comes in and kicks ass, but tries to slam Yoko, which is immensely not smart. He gets beat on for a bit, then tags in Shawn, who pins Douglas on a rollup. Owen & Bulldog go next, then Shawn & Razor. JR wonders if they can have a match not involving a ladder. Razor gets the Edge, but Ahmed makes the save. Crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Sid comes in and stinks up the joint. He calls for Shawn’s help on a double-team superkick, but Ramon ducks and Sid takes it. Shawn gives a hilarious “Oh, well…” shrug, and Ramon pins Sid. Sid powerbombs Shawn for being a smart-ass, and I can’t say as I blame him. Razor gets two from it. Shawn then gets pummeled by Yokozuna, including that VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ahmed gets the hot tag and pins Owen quickly with the tiger bomb. Ramon cleans house but takes a spinebuster from Ahmed. Ahmed poses on the second rope, and Ramon comes from behind and Edge’s him off. Sid & Kid wander to ringside and distract Ramon, and he walks into a Bulldog powerslam as a result and gets pinned. So Yoko is 3-on-1. He does well against Shawn, but misses the FAT-ASSED BUTTDROP OF DEATH and Ahmed gets the hot tag. Bodyslam! Davey Boy comes in to break up the pin, because he’s a bad person and all. So Shawn superkicks Yoko and then ties up the Bulldog, allowing Ahmed to get the pin unfettered at 27:23. And now of course the Bulldog wants to celebrate with his teammates. Match wasn’t terrible. **1/4 Survivors: Michaels, Johnson, Bulldog. – WWF World title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Hart v. Michaels was already pencilled in for WM12, so it’s not like the result here was a secret of national security or anything. Diesel and Bret both pull off turnbuckle pads to reinforce that it’s no-DQ. Diesel pounds Bret in the corner, so Bret bails. They fight outside for a bit as Bret uncharacteristically runs like a chicken. Back in the ring for a slugfest, which Bret loses. He bails again, so Diesel rams him backfirst into the post. He grabs a chair and nails him for good measure. Back in the ring and he goes for the powerbomb early, but Bret blocks it and comes back. Lots of cheap stuff from Bret, then he starts working on the knees of the champ. Figure-four wears him down further, then Bret grabs a cable in an amazingly dickish move and hogtie’s Diesel’s ankles around the post. He takes the chair and demolishes his knee with it, actually drawing boos. Diesel finally looses himself and slams Bret off the top rope, then chokes him out with the cable. Side slam gets a two count. Nash is doing an amazing job of selling the injury at this point, the best I’ve ever seen him do. He manages Snake Eyes, but Bret reverses a second attempt and comes back. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret sends Diesel to the floor, but the pescado misses. Bret crawls onto the apron, and it’s HISTORY TIME! The biggest running gag in WWF’s history begins here, as Diesel shoves Bret off the apron, right through the Spanish announce table. Bret is acting like he’s on his deathbed. Diesel tosses him back in for the kill, but when he goes for the powerbomb Bret simply collapses. The ref wants to stop the match, but Diesel shoves him aside and tries it again…and Bret small packages him out of nowhere for the pin and the title at 24:50. Diesel clearly mouths a very naughty phrase at the camera which rhymes with “Another trucking skit”, then powerbombs Bret twice and takes out a bunch of refs, yelling “I’M BACK!” at the camera. He started pissing off the Undertaker soon after, and got jobbed out, leading to him joining WCW in 1996. Wonder whatever happened to him? This would be Nash’s second-best match ever, only eclipsed by the one he had with Michaels in 1996. ****1/4 The Bottom Line: Can’t lose here. Even if the offices of the WWF were going to hell, the workers were shining, especially the rising Shawn Michaels, the resurgent Bret Hart, and the newly motivated Diesel. Recommended show.

Survivor Series Countdown: 1995

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1995 – This is one of those weird shows, in that Vince was completely self-destructing behind the scenes, but the product was great for some reason. Maybe distraction allows him to focus better or something, who knows. – Live from Washington, DC– Your hosts are Vincent K, Jim Ross, and making his surprise return…Mr. Perfect. By the way, I actually had a few people e-mail and ask me this, so let me clear up a Netcop Joke: Mr. Spiffy is my pet name for Mr. Perfect, because when he joined WCW in 1997 it was obvious he was never going to get over as “Curt Hennig”, so I suggested that they call him the next best thing — Mr. Spiffy. He could then say things like “Now that’s what I call…spiffy!” and have some fun parodying himself by doing skits where he’d be almost, but not quite, perfect at various sports, missing by a few inches each time. Anyway… – Opening match: Marty Jannetty, Hakushi, Barry Horowitz & Bob Holly v. Bodydonna Skip, Rad Radford, Dr. Tom Pritchard & The 1-2-3 Kid. This would be Kid’s debut as a heel, one week after guest-reffing a match between Ramon and Sid, and turning on him. Rad Radford (the late Louie Spicoli) is a “Bodydonna in training” at this point, although ironically it would be PRITCHARD who would shortly be repackaged as “Zip”, Skip’s partner. Jannetty cleans house to start, and he looks thoroughly baked so tags out quickly. Rad gets the better of Hakushi, who then gets beat on in the heel corner. Crowd starts chanting for Barry Horowitz, which is pretty surreal. I still wonder why Vince didn’t just PUSH the guy if he was so over. It’s not rocket science, I mean it’s not like there’s some genetic code that says a guy has to be a jobber his entire career. Holly gets a quick pin on the Doctor with a flying bodypress, and Skip rolls *him* up right after to send him packing. Hakushi and the Kid do a great little sequence, and Radford pins Hakushi after Kid kicks him in the head. Horowitz and the Kid go next, with Barry taking a beating. Radford continues it, but keeps picking him up. And what happens when a heel keeps picking up a jobber, kids? That’s right — he gets pinned while showboating, and this is no exception. Sunny yells at him, pretty much disqualifying him from the Bodydonna Sweepstakes. Skip & Barry have their showdown, but Kid pins Barry after a snap legdrop, leaving Janetty 2-on-1. He does a cool sequence with Skip, pinning him after a top rope powerbomb! That was pretty unheard of at that time in the WWF. Kid comes in and mops up with Jannetty, pinning him after an assist from Sid at 18:36. Minus a bit for the bad ending, but otherwise this was the shiznit, if you will. ***3/4 Survivor: 1-2-3 Kid. – Bertha Faye, Aja Kong, Tomoko Watanabe & Lioness Asuka v. Alundra Blayze, Sakie Hasegawa, Kyoko Inoue & Chapparita Asari. I had to get the names from the PWI Almanac because they had fucking Dok Hendrix shilling the crappy Survivor Series Commemorative T-shirt during the ring introductions. At least it’s not that Barry guy. And this would be a total spotfest as the women are basically given 10 minutes to wow the crowd. So Asari goes and pulls out the first ever Sky Twister Press on PPV, which is called “Whatamaneuver” by Vince, then called properly by JR. Blayze pins Asuka with the german suplex soon after. Hasegawa hits a chain of 5 double-underhook suplexes while we’re watching the replay of the Sky Twister Press. See, Vince had absolutely no idea how to deal with any match that exceeded the North American pace, which is why it took so long for him to grasp the whole cruiserweight concept. Aja Kong comes in and kick’s Hasegawa’s ass. Kong can best be described as the female Vader, I guess. The only woman I ever really followed in Japan was Akira Hokuto, so I’m pretty much at JR’s mercy for the backstory on these chicks. Aja nails a NASTY backdrop suplex, dropping Hasegawa right on her head, to get the pin. Asari comes in and tries a cross-body, bouncing right off Aja, then gets splashed and pinned. Inoue comes in and does a little more damage, but tries a sunset flip and gets sat on for the pin. That leaves Alundra 3-on-1. Blayze dominates Watanabe and pins her after a piledriver. Faye & Kong have a heel miscommunication moment and Bertha gets suplexed and pinned by Alundra. So it’s Kong v. Blayze. Alunda hits a missile dropkick and a standing moonsault, but Aja shoves her off the top rope and pins her after a spinning backhand at 10:00. Pretty damn good, given the circumstances. *** Survivor: Aja Kong. This was supposed to start Blayze’s next big program, but she went and dumped the Women’s title in a trash can on Nitro, the night after this if I’m not mistaken. – And since we’re in Washington, we get a visit from the fake Clinton for some hijinks. – Bam Bam Bigelow v. Goldust. Goldust’s entrance takes FOREVER. At this point he was just weird, rather than sexually deviant. Goldust s..l..o..w..l..y wears down the Bammer, then pins him with a bulldog at 8:18. Oh my god, that sucked. 1/4* Honest to god, I had nothing interesting to write between the introductions and the pinfall, it was that boring. – The Undertaker, Henry Godwinn, Fatu & Savio Vega v. King Mabel, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Isaac Yankem & Jerry Lawler. The story here is that, during the crack-induced period when Vince hired Bill Watts to book, Mabel did a big fat legdrop on UT’s face and broke it, necessitating a goofy purple mask that looks like something Kyle Raynor would be wearing today. Needless to say, Taker is PISSED, and is thus more over than ever. Most of the match (11 minutes to be exact) is meaningless filler, as the teams go through the motions of a match and the faces deliberately don’t tag UT in, saving him up for the big finish. Perfect, by the way, tells McMahon that Helmsley prefers to be called “Triple H”, although that name didn’t catch on until two years after this. Undertaker finally gets the hot tag, and obliterates the heel team. Lawler tries to run away, but none of the team will tag him, and the result is a tombstone, to a HUGE pop. Goodbye. Yankem comes in next, tombstone, goodbye. Of course, it would take THREE tombstones for UT to do the same thing when Wrestlemania XIV rolled around. HHH tries, gets chokeslammed from the ring apron into the ring, see ya. Mabel gets the brief advantage but UT sits up, and that’s all Mabel needs to see, deciding to take the smart route and run away to fight another day. Taker’s team gets the win at 14:23, with the entire team surviving. 1/2* – Wild Card match: Shawn Michaels, Ahmed Johnson, The British Bulldog & Sid v. Yokozuna, Owen Hart, Razor Ramon & Dean Douglas. If you’re thinking this team looks weird, you’re right. It was set up by Gorilla Monsoon stir things up. We get the one-and-only Shawn v. Shane match pretty early in, and it’s pretty good. Ahmed comes in and kicks ass, but tries to slam Yoko, which is immensely not smart. He gets beat on for a bit, then tags in Shawn, who pins Douglas on a rollup. Owen & Bulldog go next, then Shawn & Razor. JR wonders if they can have a match not involving a ladder. Razor gets the Edge, but Ahmed makes the save. Crowd is torn on who to cheer for. Sid comes in and stinks up the joint. He calls for Shawn’s help on a double-team superkick, but Ramon ducks and Sid takes it. Shawn gives a hilarious “Oh, well…” shrug, and Ramon pins Sid. Sid powerbombs Shawn for being a smart-ass, and I can’t say as I blame him. Razor gets two from it. Shawn then gets pummeled by Yokozuna, including that VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM. Ahmed gets the hot tag and pins Owen quickly with the tiger bomb. Ramon cleans house but takes a spinebuster from Ahmed. Ahmed poses on the second rope, and Ramon comes from behind and Edge’s him off. Sid & Kid wander to ringside and distract Ramon, and he walks into a Bulldog powerslam as a result and gets pinned. So Yoko is 3-on-1. He does well against Shawn, but misses the FAT-ASSED BUTTDROP OF DEATH and Ahmed gets the hot tag. Bodyslam! Davey Boy comes in to break up the pin, because he’s a bad person and all. So Shawn superkicks Yoko and then ties up the Bulldog, allowing Ahmed to get the pin unfettered at 27:23. And now of course the Bulldog wants to celebrate with his teammates. Match wasn’t terrible. **1/4 Survivors: Michaels, Johnson, Bulldog. – WWF World title match: Diesel v. Bret Hart. Hart v. Michaels was already pencilled in for WM12, so it’s not like the result here was a secret of national security or anything. Diesel and Bret both pull off turnbuckle pads to reinforce that it’s no-DQ. Diesel pounds Bret in the corner, so Bret bails. They fight outside for a bit as Bret uncharacteristically runs like a chicken. Back in the ring for a slugfest, which Bret loses. He bails again, so Diesel rams him backfirst into the post. He grabs a chair and nails him for good measure. Back in the ring and he goes for the powerbomb early, but Bret blocks it and comes back. Lots of cheap stuff from Bret, then he starts working on the knees of the champ. Figure-four wears him down further, then Bret grabs a cable in an amazingly dickish move and hogtie’s Diesel’s ankles around the post. He takes the chair and demolishes his knee with it, actually drawing boos. Diesel finally looses himself and slams Bret off the top rope, then chokes him out with the cable. Side slam gets a two count. Nash is doing an amazing job of selling the injury at this point, the best I’ve ever seen him do. He manages Snake Eyes, but Bret reverses a second attempt and comes back. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM! Bret sends Diesel to the floor, but the pescado misses. Bret crawls onto the apron, and it’s HISTORY TIME! The biggest running gag in WWF’s history begins here, as Diesel shoves Bret off the apron, right through the Spanish announce table. Bret is acting like he’s on his deathbed. Diesel tosses him back in for the kill, but when he goes for the powerbomb Bret simply collapses. The ref wants to stop the match, but Diesel shoves him aside and tries it again…and Bret small packages him out of nowhere for the pin and the title at 24:50. Diesel clearly mouths a very naughty phrase at the camera which rhymes with “Another trucking skit”, then powerbombs Bret twice and takes out a bunch of refs, yelling “I’M BACK!” at the camera. He started pissing off the Undertaker soon after, and got jobbed out, leading to him joining WCW in 1996. Wonder whatever happened to him? This would be Nash’s second-best match ever, only eclipsed by the one he had with Michaels in 1996. ****1/4 The Bottom Line: Can’t lose here. Even if the offices of the WWF were going to hell, the workers were shining, especially the rising Shawn Michaels, the resurgent Bret Hart, and the newly motivated Diesel. Recommended show.

WM X-$even

Hey Scott,
Following you for ages, yadda yadda.  Question you or the blog readers might be able to answer:  Someone was recently taking a peak through my movie collection and saw I had a copy of Wrestlemania 17 buried at the back.  He was asking if it was an original copy (no blurring and all the original music), which of course it is.  He then went onto to say that those first pressed DVD’s are actually worth something now since they’re long out of print and the only copies available for purchase have the blurred logos and lots of the music changed (which I knew, but never really put two and two together).  I did a quick look around and saw people reselling them on Amazon for $100-$200 which strikes me as outrageous.  You or anybody have any idea if these are actually worth anything now, or is this a case of people trying to make you *think* they’re worth something?

They’re also selling for $50-$100 on Ebay as well, which makes me think I should sell my copy now if people are dumb enough to pay that kind of money for a friggin’ wrestling DVD.  Given I have every WWF original DVD release from Wrestlemania XV all the way until Bad Blood 2003, there’s gotta be some good money in there somewhere.  Someone should take their copy onto Pawn Stars and see what Rick Harrison says.  By the way, the guy on Ebay selling a copy for $100 (used!) is charging $15 (!!!!) for shipping.  For a single used DVD!  And he’s got 5 available, which kind of contradicts the argument about it being a rarity. http://www.ebay.ca/itm/WWF-WRESTLEMANIA-X-SEVEN-HOUSTON-ASTRODOME-DVD-ROCK-/360363951841?pt=US_DVD_HD_DVD_Blu_ray&hash=item53e75d86e1#ht_542wt_698

WM X-$even

Hey Scott,
Following you for ages, yadda yadda.  Question you or the blog readers might be able to answer:  Someone was recently taking a peak through my movie collection and saw I had a copy of Wrestlemania 17 buried at the back.  He was asking if it was an original copy (no blurring and all the original music), which of course it is.  He then went onto to say that those first pressed DVD’s are actually worth something now since they’re long out of print and the only copies available for purchase have the blurred logos and lots of the music changed (which I knew, but never really put two and two together).  I did a quick look around and saw people reselling them on Amazon for $100-$200 which strikes me as outrageous.  You or anybody have any idea if these are actually worth anything now, or is this a case of people trying to make you *think* they’re worth something?

They’re also selling for $50-$100 on Ebay as well, which makes me think I should sell my copy now if people are dumb enough to pay that kind of money for a friggin’ wrestling DVD.  Given I have every WWF original DVD release from Wrestlemania XV all the way until Bad Blood 2003, there’s gotta be some good money in there somewhere.  Someone should take their copy onto Pawn Stars and see what Rick Harrison says.  By the way, the guy on Ebay selling a copy for $100 (used!) is charging $15 (!!!!) for shipping.  For a single used DVD!  And he’s got 5 available, which kind of contradicts the argument about it being a rarity. http://www.ebay.ca/itm/WWF-WRESTLEMANIA-X-SEVEN-HOUSTON-ASTRODOME-DVD-ROCK-/360363951841?pt=US_DVD_HD_DVD_Blu_ray&hash=item53e75d86e1#ht_542wt_698

WM X-$even

Hey Scott,
Following you for ages, yadda yadda.  Question you or the blog readers might be able to answer:  Someone was recently taking a peak through my movie collection and saw I had a copy of Wrestlemania 17 buried at the back.  He was asking if it was an original copy (no blurring and all the original music), which of course it is.  He then went onto to say that those first pressed DVD’s are actually worth something now since they’re long out of print and the only copies available for purchase have the blurred logos and lots of the music changed (which I knew, but never really put two and two together).  I did a quick look around and saw people reselling them on Amazon for $100-$200 which strikes me as outrageous.  You or anybody have any idea if these are actually worth anything now, or is this a case of people trying to make you *think* they’re worth something?

They’re also selling for $50-$100 on Ebay as well, which makes me think I should sell my copy now if people are dumb enough to pay that kind of money for a friggin’ wrestling DVD.  Given I have every WWF original DVD release from Wrestlemania XV all the way until Bad Blood 2003, there’s gotta be some good money in there somewhere.  Someone should take their copy onto Pawn Stars and see what Rick Harrison says.  By the way, the guy on Ebay selling a copy for $100 (used!) is charging $15 (!!!!) for shipping.  For a single used DVD!  And he’s got 5 available, which kind of contradicts the argument about it being a rarity. http://www.ebay.ca/itm/WWF-WRESTLEMANIA-X-SEVEN-HOUSTON-ASTRODOME-DVD-ROCK-/360363951841?pt=US_DVD_HD_DVD_Blu_ray&hash=item53e75d86e1#ht_542wt_698

Survivor Series Countdown: 1994

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1994

(2011 Scott sez:  If only we had known back then what Chuck Norris would become today…)

Live from San Antonio, Texas.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon.

Opening match:  Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart & Jeff Jarrett v. The British Bulldog, Razor Ramon, Fatu & Sionne.  Sionne is of course Barbarian repackaged as a Headshrinker following the departure of Samu.  Kid & Anvil start, and it turns into a heat segment on the Kid PDQ.  An Owen-Bulldog confrontation follows, and it’s a goody.  Anvil comes in and almost gets finished by the faces, but Fatu is having problems adjusting to wearing boots (don’t ask) and Anvil thus escapes certain doom.  Razor & JJ try to resolve their issue, doing a lengthy sequence.  Diesel tags in and casually disposes of Fatu with the powerbomb.  Kid tries next, second verse, same as the first.  Sionne comes in, same thing.  Bulldog tries, gets pasted with a big boot, and is counted out.  That leaves Ramon 5-on-1.  Diesel has a pretty easy time of things, but Razor comes back and tries the Razor’s Edge.  Diesel escapes and powerbombs him — and NOW Shawn wants to tag in after sitting on the apron for 20 minutes.  He calls a tired Diesel over to try the double-team, but of course Razor ducks and Big Kev takes one for the team.  Diesel snaps and goes after his partner, and eventually chases him back to the dressing room, with the rest of the team following to calm things down.  The others are counted out one-by-one, until finally Ramon wins an improbable countout victory at 20:43.  WAY cheap ending, but the match was rockin’ while it lasted.  ***  Survivor:  Razor Ramon.

Meanwhile, Shawn runs all the way back to the car, leaving his half of the tag titles with Toad Pettingzoo, thus vacating them.

Jerry Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy v. Doink, Dink, Wink & Pink.  MIDGET MADNESS!  Those of you who followed the Coliseum Video Rants I did are well aware of my feelings on the whole midget genre, but if you’re new to the Netcop World, we’ll just say that I HATE THEM and leave it at that.  Basic comedy match here, with Doink dominating Lawler and the little guys working in their stuff between the hideous amounts of stalling.  Lawler pins Doink with a handful of tights, and then the evil midgets run through the good midgets in short order one-by-one, ending with Dink’s demise at 16:03.  A DUD if there ever was one.  Survivors:  Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy.  The King berates his team, so all 6 midgets team up and chase him to the back, where Doink hits him in the face with a pie.  Such divine comedy.  It’s not wrestling, it’s sports entertainment, you know.

Toad takes us back to Tokyo as Bull Nakano wins the Women’s title from Alundra Blayze.  I think it was something like a ****1/2 match, so of course we only get the finish.

WWF World title:  Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund.  This is submission rules, with the winner being decided when their second throws in the towel.  Bob has Owen Hart, Bret has the Bulldog.  Stu and Helen Hart are also at ringside, which becomes important later.  Backlund is drawing BIG heel heat here, by the way.  The story is that he’s still bitter at his manager throwing in the towel and costing him the title 11 years prior, and he snapped and took out Bret Hart a few months prior to this, along with nearly everyone else in the promotion.  Bret quickly dominates Bob on the mat, something you don’t see too often.  Bob suddenly tries the Crossface-Chickenwing out of nowhere, but Bret wiggles free.  Again, and Bret reverses to a belly-to-belly.  Bret tries building to the Sharpshooter, but misses an elbow and Bob works the arm.  Shots of Bret’s then-wife Julie are shown, and she looks way less horrible and shrewish than she did on Wrestling With Shadows.  Bob does a great job of holding an armbar despite all of Bret’s attempts to break the hold.  Surprisingly, the crowd remains into the match during all the matwork, which is a testiment to how over Bret was.  Bret finally manages a figure-four, which has Backlund screaming at Owen to throw in the towel, but he refuses.  So Backlund sucks it up and reverses.  Bret breaks the works the knee.  Bob comes back with a piledriver and tries the chickenwing, but Bret makes the ropes.  Backlund tries a sleeper, which is pretty pointless for this match.  Double-KO, but Bret is fresher and recovers first with a piledriver and the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM.  Sharpshooter in the center of the ring, but now Owen and Bulldog get into a foot-race, allowing Owen to sneak in and break the hold.  Bulldog lunges and misses, slamming his own head into the stairs.  Great bump there.  Bulldog is out cold, and now Backlund takes advantage and hooks the CFCW.  Bulldog can’t throw in the towel, so Bret fights the move, doing an awesome selling job.  There’s nowhere to go, however.  So Owen, in true weasel fashion, heads over to his parents and starts pleading with his mother to throw in the towel on Bret’s behalf.  Not with Stu, of course, because the old man obviously sees right through the act.  He’s literally in tears as the announcers speculate on a possible face turn.  Owen continues hounding his mother, pulling her out of the audience, but Stu keeps pulling her back.  Finally, she gives in and throws in the towel at 35:12, giving Mr. Backlund his third WWF title.  The crowd is REALLY displeased with that one.  Owen breaks into maniacal laughter and sprints back to the dressing room.  Backlund’s celebration is priceless.  Great old school match — Steve Corino would be proud.  ****

Backstage, Owen confirms that the whole thing was a setup.  Back at ringside, Vince laments the feeling of betrayal he has.  BRET SCREWED…oh, never mind.

Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, Tom Prichard & Jimmy Del Ray v. Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel, Billy & Bart Gunn.  Lex & Tatanka start, with nothing of note happening.  Mabel comes in and flattens Tom Prichard in short order to get rid of him.  We get the Mabel-Bundy showdown next.  It goes nowhere, so we try Mabel-Bam Bam.  Mabel heads to the top, but gets slammed off.  Bigelow tries a sunset flip, but Mabel is…you know what’s coming…JUST TOO FAT.  He sits down.  Ouch.  They both tumble out, but Mabel is like a beached whale and can’t beat the count back in.  Some random matchups for a bit, then Adam Bomb gets moonsaulted and pinned by Bigelow.  Luger kills Del Ray with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and pins him.  The Smoking Gunns double-team Tatanka, looking good in the process.  Billy looks totally different with a moustache and a non-roided physique.  Sidewinder gets two, then Bart tries a crucifix and gets hit with the Papoose to Go and pinned.  Billy & Luger keep Tatanka in their corner, but he finally fights free and tags in Bundy, who squashes Mr. Ass in about three seconds.  So it’s 3-on-1 for Luger.  He manages to dominate Tatanka, but the Bundy-Bigelow tandem proves to be too much.  They spend an eternity beating him down.  Finally, Tatanka is sacrificed as a resurgant Luger gets a small package to eliminate him, but Bundy uses that window to splash and pin him at 23:18 in a smart ending.  Surprisingly good, but too long at the end.  **3/4  Survivors:  Bigelow & Bundy.

Mr. Backlund calls an impromptu press conference to announce his future plans for the WWF title.  He doesn’t mention getting squashed by Diesel in 9 seconds 6 days later, of course.

Casket match:  The Undertaker v. Yokozuna.  Chuck Norris is YOUR special trouble-shooting referee, in order to prevent a repeat of Royal Rumble 94.  They both go through their usual slow-motion-even-on-fast-forward offense, until UT takes out the managers and gets jumped, giving Yoko the advantage.  He dominates for a while, then Taker comes back with a flying clothesline and tries to roll Yoko into the casket.  Bundy and Bigelow come out and yell stuff at Chuck Norris.  Ooooo, that’s scary.  IRS sneaks in and nails Undertaker, however, setting off the epic Undertaker v. Corporation feud that spanned most of 1995.  Yoko almost gets the win, but UT escapes and comes back to give Yoko a big boot that sends him crashing into the casket.  He slams the lid and gets the win for the good ol’ USA.  I’m so verklempt.  Yoko would not be seen again until Wrestlemania XI, so we can thank Undertaker for that much, at least.  Much was Big Show v. Kane level of bad, of course.  -*

The Bottom Line:  Pretty polarized show, with some exceptionally crappy stuff and some pretty good stuff.  The Backlund-Hart match is DEFINITELY not for everyone, and I doubt today’s “sports entertainment” fan would get through the first 10 minutes without taking a bathroom break, but to each their own.  The show had no real long-lasting effect on the world or anything, so I’ll say very mildly recommended.

 

Survivor Series Countdown: 1994

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1994

(2011 Scott sez:  If only we had known back then what Chuck Norris would become today…)

Live from San Antonio, Texas.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon.

Opening match:  Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart & Jeff Jarrett v. The British Bulldog, Razor Ramon, Fatu & Sionne.  Sionne is of course Barbarian repackaged as a Headshrinker following the departure of Samu.  Kid & Anvil start, and it turns into a heat segment on the Kid PDQ.  An Owen-Bulldog confrontation follows, and it’s a goody.  Anvil comes in and almost gets finished by the faces, but Fatu is having problems adjusting to wearing boots (don’t ask) and Anvil thus escapes certain doom.  Razor & JJ try to resolve their issue, doing a lengthy sequence.  Diesel tags in and casually disposes of Fatu with the powerbomb.  Kid tries next, second verse, same as the first.  Sionne comes in, same thing.  Bulldog tries, gets pasted with a big boot, and is counted out.  That leaves Ramon 5-on-1.  Diesel has a pretty easy time of things, but Razor comes back and tries the Razor’s Edge.  Diesel escapes and powerbombs him — and NOW Shawn wants to tag in after sitting on the apron for 20 minutes.  He calls a tired Diesel over to try the double-team, but of course Razor ducks and Big Kev takes one for the team.  Diesel snaps and goes after his partner, and eventually chases him back to the dressing room, with the rest of the team following to calm things down.  The others are counted out one-by-one, until finally Ramon wins an improbable countout victory at 20:43.  WAY cheap ending, but the match was rockin’ while it lasted.  ***  Survivor:  Razor Ramon.

Meanwhile, Shawn runs all the way back to the car, leaving his half of the tag titles with Toad Pettingzoo, thus vacating them.

Jerry Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy v. Doink, Dink, Wink & Pink.  MIDGET MADNESS!  Those of you who followed the Coliseum Video Rants I did are well aware of my feelings on the whole midget genre, but if you’re new to the Netcop World, we’ll just say that I HATE THEM and leave it at that.  Basic comedy match here, with Doink dominating Lawler and the little guys working in their stuff between the hideous amounts of stalling.  Lawler pins Doink with a handful of tights, and then the evil midgets run through the good midgets in short order one-by-one, ending with Dink’s demise at 16:03.  A DUD if there ever was one.  Survivors:  Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy.  The King berates his team, so all 6 midgets team up and chase him to the back, where Doink hits him in the face with a pie.  Such divine comedy.  It’s not wrestling, it’s sports entertainment, you know.

Toad takes us back to Tokyo as Bull Nakano wins the Women’s title from Alundra Blayze.  I think it was something like a ****1/2 match, so of course we only get the finish.

WWF World title:  Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund.  This is submission rules, with the winner being decided when their second throws in the towel.  Bob has Owen Hart, Bret has the Bulldog.  Stu and Helen Hart are also at ringside, which becomes important later.  Backlund is drawing BIG heel heat here, by the way.  The story is that he’s still bitter at his manager throwing in the towel and costing him the title 11 years prior, and he snapped and took out Bret Hart a few months prior to this, along with nearly everyone else in the promotion.  Bret quickly dominates Bob on the mat, something you don’t see too often.  Bob suddenly tries the Crossface-Chickenwing out of nowhere, but Bret wiggles free.  Again, and Bret reverses to a belly-to-belly.  Bret tries building to the Sharpshooter, but misses an elbow and Bob works the arm.  Shots of Bret’s then-wife Julie are shown, and she looks way less horrible and shrewish than she did on Wrestling With Shadows.  Bob does a great job of holding an armbar despite all of Bret’s attempts to break the hold.  Surprisingly, the crowd remains into the match during all the matwork, which is a testiment to how over Bret was.  Bret finally manages a figure-four, which has Backlund screaming at Owen to throw in the towel, but he refuses.  So Backlund sucks it up and reverses.  Bret breaks the works the knee.  Bob comes back with a piledriver and tries the chickenwing, but Bret makes the ropes.  Backlund tries a sleeper, which is pretty pointless for this match.  Double-KO, but Bret is fresher and recovers first with a piledriver and the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM.  Sharpshooter in the center of the ring, but now Owen and Bulldog get into a foot-race, allowing Owen to sneak in and break the hold.  Bulldog lunges and misses, slamming his own head into the stairs.  Great bump there.  Bulldog is out cold, and now Backlund takes advantage and hooks the CFCW.  Bulldog can’t throw in the towel, so Bret fights the move, doing an awesome selling job.  There’s nowhere to go, however.  So Owen, in true weasel fashion, heads over to his parents and starts pleading with his mother to throw in the towel on Bret’s behalf.  Not with Stu, of course, because the old man obviously sees right through the act.  He’s literally in tears as the announcers speculate on a possible face turn.  Owen continues hounding his mother, pulling her out of the audience, but Stu keeps pulling her back.  Finally, she gives in and throws in the towel at 35:12, giving Mr. Backlund his third WWF title.  The crowd is REALLY displeased with that one.  Owen breaks into maniacal laughter and sprints back to the dressing room.  Backlund’s celebration is priceless.  Great old school match — Steve Corino would be proud.  ****

Backstage, Owen confirms that the whole thing was a setup.  Back at ringside, Vince laments the feeling of betrayal he has.  BRET SCREWED…oh, never mind.

Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, Tom Prichard & Jimmy Del Ray v. Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel, Billy & Bart Gunn.  Lex & Tatanka start, with nothing of note happening.  Mabel comes in and flattens Tom Prichard in short order to get rid of him.  We get the Mabel-Bundy showdown next.  It goes nowhere, so we try Mabel-Bam Bam.  Mabel heads to the top, but gets slammed off.  Bigelow tries a sunset flip, but Mabel is…you know what’s coming…JUST TOO FAT.  He sits down.  Ouch.  They both tumble out, but Mabel is like a beached whale and can’t beat the count back in.  Some random matchups for a bit, then Adam Bomb gets moonsaulted and pinned by Bigelow.  Luger kills Del Ray with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and pins him.  The Smoking Gunns double-team Tatanka, looking good in the process.  Billy looks totally different with a moustache and a non-roided physique.  Sidewinder gets two, then Bart tries a crucifix and gets hit with the Papoose to Go and pinned.  Billy & Luger keep Tatanka in their corner, but he finally fights free and tags in Bundy, who squashes Mr. Ass in about three seconds.  So it’s 3-on-1 for Luger.  He manages to dominate Tatanka, but the Bundy-Bigelow tandem proves to be too much.  They spend an eternity beating him down.  Finally, Tatanka is sacrificed as a resurgant Luger gets a small package to eliminate him, but Bundy uses that window to splash and pin him at 23:18 in a smart ending.  Surprisingly good, but too long at the end.  **3/4  Survivors:  Bigelow & Bundy.

Mr. Backlund calls an impromptu press conference to announce his future plans for the WWF title.  He doesn’t mention getting squashed by Diesel in 9 seconds 6 days later, of course.

Casket match:  The Undertaker v. Yokozuna.  Chuck Norris is YOUR special trouble-shooting referee, in order to prevent a repeat of Royal Rumble 94.  They both go through their usual slow-motion-even-on-fast-forward offense, until UT takes out the managers and gets jumped, giving Yoko the advantage.  He dominates for a while, then Taker comes back with a flying clothesline and tries to roll Yoko into the casket.  Bundy and Bigelow come out and yell stuff at Chuck Norris.  Ooooo, that’s scary.  IRS sneaks in and nails Undertaker, however, setting off the epic Undertaker v. Corporation feud that spanned most of 1995.  Yoko almost gets the win, but UT escapes and comes back to give Yoko a big boot that sends him crashing into the casket.  He slams the lid and gets the win for the good ol’ USA.  I’m so verklempt.  Yoko would not be seen again until Wrestlemania XI, so we can thank Undertaker for that much, at least.  Much was Big Show v. Kane level of bad, of course.  -*

The Bottom Line:  Pretty polarized show, with some exceptionally crappy stuff and some pretty good stuff.  The Backlund-Hart match is DEFINITELY not for everyone, and I doubt today’s “sports entertainment” fan would get through the first 10 minutes without taking a bathroom break, but to each their own.  The show had no real long-lasting effect on the world or anything, so I’ll say very mildly recommended.

 

Survivor Series Countdown: 1994

The Netcop Retro Rant for Survivor Series 1994

(2011 Scott sez:  If only we had known back then what Chuck Norris would become today…)

Live from San Antonio, Texas.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Gorilla Monsoon.

Opening match:  Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart & Jeff Jarrett v. The British Bulldog, Razor Ramon, Fatu & Sionne.  Sionne is of course Barbarian repackaged as a Headshrinker following the departure of Samu.  Kid & Anvil start, and it turns into a heat segment on the Kid PDQ.  An Owen-Bulldog confrontation follows, and it’s a goody.  Anvil comes in and almost gets finished by the faces, but Fatu is having problems adjusting to wearing boots (don’t ask) and Anvil thus escapes certain doom.  Razor & JJ try to resolve their issue, doing a lengthy sequence.  Diesel tags in and casually disposes of Fatu with the powerbomb.  Kid tries next, second verse, same as the first.  Sionne comes in, same thing.  Bulldog tries, gets pasted with a big boot, and is counted out.  That leaves Ramon 5-on-1.  Diesel has a pretty easy time of things, but Razor comes back and tries the Razor’s Edge.  Diesel escapes and powerbombs him — and NOW Shawn wants to tag in after sitting on the apron for 20 minutes.  He calls a tired Diesel over to try the double-team, but of course Razor ducks and Big Kev takes one for the team.  Diesel snaps and goes after his partner, and eventually chases him back to the dressing room, with the rest of the team following to calm things down.  The others are counted out one-by-one, until finally Ramon wins an improbable countout victory at 20:43.  WAY cheap ending, but the match was rockin’ while it lasted.  ***  Survivor:  Razor Ramon.

Meanwhile, Shawn runs all the way back to the car, leaving his half of the tag titles with Toad Pettingzoo, thus vacating them.

Jerry Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy v. Doink, Dink, Wink & Pink.  MIDGET MADNESS!  Those of you who followed the Coliseum Video Rants I did are well aware of my feelings on the whole midget genre, but if you’re new to the Netcop World, we’ll just say that I HATE THEM and leave it at that.  Basic comedy match here, with Doink dominating Lawler and the little guys working in their stuff between the hideous amounts of stalling.  Lawler pins Doink with a handful of tights, and then the evil midgets run through the good midgets in short order one-by-one, ending with Dink’s demise at 16:03.  A DUD if there ever was one.  Survivors:  Lawler, Cheezy, Sleezy & Queezy.  The King berates his team, so all 6 midgets team up and chase him to the back, where Doink hits him in the face with a pie.  Such divine comedy.  It’s not wrestling, it’s sports entertainment, you know.

Toad takes us back to Tokyo as Bull Nakano wins the Women’s title from Alundra Blayze.  I think it was something like a ****1/2 match, so of course we only get the finish.

WWF World title:  Bret Hart v. Mr. Bob Backlund.  This is submission rules, with the winner being decided when their second throws in the towel.  Bob has Owen Hart, Bret has the Bulldog.  Stu and Helen Hart are also at ringside, which becomes important later.  Backlund is drawing BIG heel heat here, by the way.  The story is that he’s still bitter at his manager throwing in the towel and costing him the title 11 years prior, and he snapped and took out Bret Hart a few months prior to this, along with nearly everyone else in the promotion.  Bret quickly dominates Bob on the mat, something you don’t see too often.  Bob suddenly tries the Crossface-Chickenwing out of nowhere, but Bret wiggles free.  Again, and Bret reverses to a belly-to-belly.  Bret tries building to the Sharpshooter, but misses an elbow and Bob works the arm.  Shots of Bret’s then-wife Julie are shown, and she looks way less horrible and shrewish than she did on Wrestling With Shadows.  Bob does a great job of holding an armbar despite all of Bret’s attempts to break the hold.  Surprisingly, the crowd remains into the match during all the matwork, which is a testiment to how over Bret was.  Bret finally manages a figure-four, which has Backlund screaming at Owen to throw in the towel, but he refuses.  So Backlund sucks it up and reverses.  Bret breaks the works the knee.  Bob comes back with a piledriver and tries the chickenwing, but Bret makes the ropes.  Backlund tries a sleeper, which is pretty pointless for this match.  Double-KO, but Bret is fresher and recovers first with a piledriver and the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM.  Sharpshooter in the center of the ring, but now Owen and Bulldog get into a foot-race, allowing Owen to sneak in and break the hold.  Bulldog lunges and misses, slamming his own head into the stairs.  Great bump there.  Bulldog is out cold, and now Backlund takes advantage and hooks the CFCW.  Bulldog can’t throw in the towel, so Bret fights the move, doing an awesome selling job.  There’s nowhere to go, however.  So Owen, in true weasel fashion, heads over to his parents and starts pleading with his mother to throw in the towel on Bret’s behalf.  Not with Stu, of course, because the old man obviously sees right through the act.  He’s literally in tears as the announcers speculate on a possible face turn.  Owen continues hounding his mother, pulling her out of the audience, but Stu keeps pulling her back.  Finally, she gives in and throws in the towel at 35:12, giving Mr. Backlund his third WWF title.  The crowd is REALLY displeased with that one.  Owen breaks into maniacal laughter and sprints back to the dressing room.  Backlund’s celebration is priceless.  Great old school match — Steve Corino would be proud.  ****

Backstage, Owen confirms that the whole thing was a setup.  Back at ringside, Vince laments the feeling of betrayal he has.  BRET SCREWED…oh, never mind.

Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, Tom Prichard & Jimmy Del Ray v. Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel, Billy & Bart Gunn.  Lex & Tatanka start, with nothing of note happening.  Mabel comes in and flattens Tom Prichard in short order to get rid of him.  We get the Mabel-Bundy showdown next.  It goes nowhere, so we try Mabel-Bam Bam.  Mabel heads to the top, but gets slammed off.  Bigelow tries a sunset flip, but Mabel is…you know what’s coming…JUST TOO FAT.  He sits down.  Ouch.  They both tumble out, but Mabel is like a beached whale and can’t beat the count back in.  Some random matchups for a bit, then Adam Bomb gets moonsaulted and pinned by Bigelow.  Luger kills Del Ray with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and pins him.  The Smoking Gunns double-team Tatanka, looking good in the process.  Billy looks totally different with a moustache and a non-roided physique.  Sidewinder gets two, then Bart tries a crucifix and gets hit with the Papoose to Go and pinned.  Billy & Luger keep Tatanka in their corner, but he finally fights free and tags in Bundy, who squashes Mr. Ass in about three seconds.  So it’s 3-on-1 for Luger.  He manages to dominate Tatanka, but the Bundy-Bigelow tandem proves to be too much.  They spend an eternity beating him down.  Finally, Tatanka is sacrificed as a resurgant Luger gets a small package to eliminate him, but Bundy uses that window to splash and pin him at 23:18 in a smart ending.  Surprisingly good, but too long at the end.  **3/4  Survivors:  Bigelow & Bundy.

Mr. Backlund calls an impromptu press conference to announce his future plans for the WWF title.  He doesn’t mention getting squashed by Diesel in 9 seconds 6 days later, of course.

Casket match:  The Undertaker v. Yokozuna.  Chuck Norris is YOUR special trouble-shooting referee, in order to prevent a repeat of Royal Rumble 94.  They both go through their usual slow-motion-even-on-fast-forward offense, until UT takes out the managers and gets jumped, giving Yoko the advantage.  He dominates for a while, then Taker comes back with a flying clothesline and tries to roll Yoko into the casket.  Bundy and Bigelow come out and yell stuff at Chuck Norris.  Ooooo, that’s scary.  IRS sneaks in and nails Undertaker, however, setting off the epic Undertaker v. Corporation feud that spanned most of 1995.  Yoko almost gets the win, but UT escapes and comes back to give Yoko a big boot that sends him crashing into the casket.  He slams the lid and gets the win for the good ol’ USA.  I’m so verklempt.  Yoko would not be seen again until Wrestlemania XI, so we can thank Undertaker for that much, at least.  Much was Big Show v. Kane level of bad, of course.  -*

The Bottom Line:  Pretty polarized show, with some exceptionally crappy stuff and some pretty good stuff.  The Backlund-Hart match is DEFINITELY not for everyone, and I doubt today’s “sports entertainment” fan would get through the first 10 minutes without taking a bathroom break, but to each their own.  The show had no real long-lasting effect on the world or anything, so I’ll say very mildly recommended.

 

Survivor Series Countdown: 1993

The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1993

(2011 Scott sez:  This was from a couple of years ago, so no snarky comments needed.)

– Live from Boston, MA.

– Your hosts are Vince and for the last time on a WWF PPV, Bobby Heenan.

Adam Bomb, IRS, Diesel and Rick Martel v. Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, 1-2-3 Kid and Razor Ramon. 

Can you IMAGINE the drug bills on the babyface side?  They’re gonna make some coke dealer VERY happy.  So anyway, Mr. Perfect was supposed to be captaining the babyfaces, but he disappeared from the WWF, leaving us with Savage.  Interesting how Vince still didn’t think enough of Savage to put him in the main event instead of the opener.  Ramon starts with Martel to continue that heated rivalry and they trade wristlocks, but Martel elbows out.  He gets a bodypress, but Razor rolls through for two and hits him with the blockbuster slam for two.  Ramon gives him a series of atomic drops and Martel tags out to Adam Bomb.  Bomb overpowers Ramon (nuclear power > cocaine + alchohol) and wants a test of strength to really hammer the point home.  See, now Ramon’s character is all about machismo, so it makes sense that he’d be easy to sucker into that kind of thing.  Ramon suplexes out of it, triggering a miscue between the heels and a total meltdown.  Luckily IRS calms things down, and Bomb starts taking it out on the Kid instead.  Great bumps from Kid as Bomb and Diesel tee off on him.  He knew EXACTLY how to make them look like monsters.  Diesel gets a gutwrench suplex (Crowd: OOOOOH!) and the big boot (Crowd:  OOOOOH!), but Kid comes back with a flying headscissors, and Savage gets the hot tag.  He runs wild and destroys everyone, gets rid of everyone but Diesel, and then finishes Big Kev with the big elbow at 10:18.  Great stuff.

Martel tries attacking Macho and gets nowhere, so he lets IRS have a go.  Savage gets a bodypress and a pair of clotheslines and brings in Razor, but Martel gets a cheapshot from the apron to take over.  He drops elbows on the back and Bomb comes in for the double-team.  IRS drops an elbow and gets a legdrop for two, and we hit the chinlock.  Ramon fights out and brings Savage in, and he goes up to finish, but Crush distracts him and he’s pinned at 16:46.  Glad they didn’t go with the wussy countout finish.  In the Coliseum Video EXCLUSIVE version, Savage heads back, past the Gorilla Position, and searches for Crush.  Riveting.  Back to the ring, Adam Bomb beats on Marty and Martel goes to an abdominal stretch, but misses a blind charge.  Back to Razor, and he chokeslams IRS and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 19:32.  Martel attacks from behind and it triggers a huge brawl, allowing IRS to nail Razor with the briefcase, giving us the countout at 20:41.

Martel goes after the Kid and they do a nice stalemate sequence before Kid goes to the arm.  Over to Bomb, and this time Kid counters with speed and puts him on the floor, then tries a tope suicida…and gets caught.  Whoops.  Nice spot.  Back in, Bomb levels him with the slingshot clothesline, but misses a blind charge and gets rolled up for two.  Kid fires away with kicks, but can’t get the tag to Marty.  Martel hits Kid with a gutwrench for two.  Martel goes up and gets caught, and finally it’s hot tag Marty.  Into the turnbuckles for two.  Kid & Jannetty get the double elbow on Martel and Kid finishes with a sunset flip at 25:49.  Marty with another one on Bomb to end it at 26:02.  Survivors:  1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty.  Boring middle portion, but the rest was great stuff.  ***1/2  Kid & Jannetty would of course have one last upset in them a few weeks later on RAW.

Meanwhile, Ray Combs interviews the Hart family.  It’s so sad having to shoehorn Shawn Michaels into this feud.  As if anyone would ever care about a Bret v. Shawn match at Survivor Series.

Bret, Keith, Owen and Bruce Hart v. The Blue Knight (Greg Valentine), The Black Knight (Jeff Gaylord), The Red Knight (Barry Horowitz) and Shawn Michaels

The Hart women are at ringside and Georgia has a crying baby with a soother.  I know it can’t be Teddy at this point, but MAN the resemblance is astounding.  All he would need to do is get fired by the WWF multiple times and it would be uncanny.  Shawn starts with Bruce and gets run into the Red Knight as a result.  Bruce controls Shawn with an armbar and it’s over to Keith, who reverses a suplex into a small package for two.  Keith works on the arm, but Shawn brings in Red.  Owen quickly dominates and hiptosses him, so it’s over to Black.  He gets triple-teamed by the Harts, so Blue comes in.  Bret clotheslines him for two and the Harts work him over.  Bruce gets caught with a cheapshot and Red gets a butterfly suplex for two.  Black pounds Bruce down, but falls victim to a backslide for two.  Shawn dumps Bruce and drags him back in, but Bruce hits his finisher (a clothesline, no really) and makes the tag to Bret.  Bret rolls up Black for two and gets a small package for two.  Middle rope elbow gets two.  Owen hits him with the leg lariat and a brawl erupts, as all the heels collide and Owen finishes Black with a missile dropkick at 10:48.

Bret works on Red’s legs, and Keith continues on with that.  Yes, this match CAN get more boring, why?  Here’s the problem with it, besides the obvious one of replacing Jerry Lawler at the last minute with Shawn Michaels:  Clearly the dynamic of the original match was supposed to be the Hart Family being forced to eliminate all the Knights before they could even touch Lawler, but here Shawn actually started the match, so there’s no payoff.  Anyway, Blue works on Keith’s arm, not even trying to hide his identity.  Ray Combs, on commentary, gets the unintentional shoot comment of the show when he notes “This is painful to watch.”  Word.  The beating of Keith just drags on and on until Bret gets the hot tag and finishes Red with the Sharpshooter at 18:00.  Blue attacks Bret and tosses him, and back in Shawn takes over on Bret.  Back elbow gets two.  And it’s time for the chinlock.  Over to Blue, who gets two. Owen comes in and hammers away in the corner, and Shawn bumps out and takes a punch from Stu.  Owen follows with a pescado, and finishes Blue back in the ring with a Sharpshooter at 23:44.  So it’s Shawn by himself, and he superkicks Bruce for two.  Bret comes in and whips Shawn around the ring, and gets the legsweep for two.  Shawn goes to the eyes, so Bret tags Owen in, and Owen accidentally collides with the blinded Bret and Shawn rolls him up for the pin at 27:25.  And so begins Owen’s heel turn.  Bruce clotheslines Shawn for two and goes to a sleeper, and then Bret comes in and tries to finish, but Shawn runs away to end it at 30:55.  THANKFULLY.  *1/2

SMW Tag titles:  The Rock N Roll Express v. The Heavenly Bodies

Still weird, even in the age of WWE owning everything.  The Bodies toss Ricky and get dragged out of the ring themselves as a result, and Ricky hits them with a tope.  Back in, Robert controls Del Ray with a flying headscissors and Ricky comes in for the double elbow.  Pritchard comes in and hammers away in the corner, but Ricky hits the Bodies with hiptosses.  The RNR do double monkey-flips out of the corner and the row-boat spot, which was just looking archaic even in 1993.  The Express were never really able to reinvent themselves for the 90s and it shows.  Ricky controls Del Ray with armdrags, and heel miscommunication results in the Express clearing the ring.  Back in, Pritchard catches Ricky with a powerbomb (“Kind of like Adam Bomb’s Atom Smasher” notes JR, neutered by Corporate even back then).  Over to Del Ray for some tasteful grinding, and Ricky gets tossed and moonsaulted by Del Ray.  Back in, that gets two.  Powerslam gets two, as Pritchard cuts off a comeback attempt.  Del Ray with a snap suplex.  A side slam into a Pritchard bulldog gets two.  See, now fans GET this stuff.  The subtle 80s offense and goofy spots fade away after a while, but take Ricky Morton and beat the everloving fuck out of him and people will POP.  Del Ray tries a powerbomb and Morton reverses to a rana for two.  He gets a small package on Pritchard for two.  Del Ray comes in with a moonsault press for two, but Ricky DDTs both Bodies, and it’s hot tag Robert.  Ricky rolls up Del Ray, but Pritchard tosses him for a nice bump.  Robert calls for the DQ, but that’s not illegal in the WWF and I bet no one watching in the arena got that whole sequence.  RNR with a double dropkick on Pritchard, but Del Ray hits Robert with the racket and the Bodies regain the titles at 13:40.   Crowd didn’t get it, but as an SMW fan I was digging it.  ***1/4  Now, if Ricky and Robert had really wanted to go national again, there was a way.  A couple of years after this Jerry Lawler brought them into Memphis against PG-13, and they wrestled as pretty much carbon copies of Tully & Arn, managed by a manic Mark Curtis, and THAT was the reinvention that could have made them stars again.  If you’ve never seen that match, I’d highly recommend checking it out because it’s the craziest shit ever.

Bam Bam Bigelow, The Headshrinkers & Bastion Booger v. The Doinkwhackers & Doinks on a Mission. 

Truly high concept comedy here.  Doink himself is not even involved in the match, so this must be near the point when Matt Borne left.  Seems to be a running theme tonight.  I don’t think anyone’s ever actually nailed his departure date down.  The crowd chants “We want Doink”, clearly annoyed by bait-and-switch once they realize that Doink is not actually in the match, but the babyfaces just kind of act like they’re cheering for them.  So onto the alleged comedy, as Butch hits Samu with a water balloon and pins him at 3:00.  Just accept it.  Over to Booger, who drops a leg on Butch, and Bigelow chokes away on the ropes.  Booger sits on him for the pin attempt, but gets distracted by a banana and gets pinned by Mabel at 5:58.  Over to Fatu, who is armed with Afa’s turkey dinner, and hammers on Luke with it.  Mo comes in on a scooter, however, and Bam Bam’s had it.  Fatu goes up with the flying splash, but slips on a banana peel and gets pinned at 8:53.  Yes, THEY LITERALLY did the “slip on a banana peel” finish.  Bam Bam is alone and slugs it out with Mabel, then puts him down with a shoulderblock.  The Doinks all dogpile on him and pin him at 10:55, however.  Probably one of the worst matches in the history of the Survivor Series.  -***  The “real” Doink appears on the video screen to taunt Bigelow afterwards, but I don’t think it’s Borne.

Lex Luger, Undertaker, Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner v. Ludvig Borga, Yokozuna, Jacques and Crush

C’mon, where’s Undertaker’s flag outfit to go along with the rest of the team?  What a prima donna.  Scott starts with Jacques and hits him with an overhead suplex for two, and we’re over to Rick.  Jacques wisely brings in Yokozuna, but Rick overpowers him and puts him on the floor.  Back in, the Fanatics pound on Rick in their corner, but he goes up and hits Borga with a flying forearm for two.  He goes up again with a flying bodypress, but Borga rolls through for the pin at 5:08.  That looked REALLY bad.  I think they had to go home early there because of an injury to Rick.  So Scott comes in and presses Jacques into Crush’s arms.  Jacques playing the coward who hides behind the bigger teammates is pretty funny stuff.  Wrong match for it, but funny.  Crush hammers on Scott, but walks into a butterfly bomb and Scott clotheslines him down for two.  And here’s Macho Man, but Crush doesn’t bite.  He works on Scott’s leg, but now Savage fights his way through the Usual Gang of Idiots again, and the brawl is on.  Crush is counted out at 11:39.

Back in the ring, Jacques holds a rear chinlock on Scott and puts him down with an elbow for two.  Piledriver gets two.  Hot tag to Luger and he goes to the middle rope with an elbow for the pin at 14:06.  Really?   Well I guess this IS the event where people traditionally get pinned by clotheslines.  So now we just need to get rid of the last of the deadwood in the form of Scott Steiner, and here’s Borga to do that.  Borga puts him down with a clothesline and hits a corner splash, then clotheslines him again on the way down.  Borga to the top for AIR FINLAND (I don’t even know what that might have been, but it needs to exist), but Scott superplexes him for two.  Yokozuna has had enough of this bullshit and no-sells a Frankensteiner attempt, then finishes Scott with the Hulkbuster at 17:00.

So finally the actual main event, with Luger & Undertaker v. Yokozuna & Borga.  Yoko chokes away on the ropes, but misses the big fat splash and Luger slugs away.  Yoko clotheslines him down, however, and Borga comes in for a punt to the ribs.  Bobby’s line about Undertaker coming up with a basketball team “for guys six feet and under” actually makes Vince stop and think for a second.  He will be missed on RAW so I’ll enjoy him while I can.  Yoko whips Luger around and then misses the corner splash, and finally Undertaker comes into the match 21:00 in.  DDT for Yokozuna, but he walks into a belly to belly suplex.  He keeps sitting up and Yoko keeps putting him down, finally getting the butt splash.  A second one misses, however, and they fight to the floor for the double countout at 23:24.  LAAAAAAAME.  I know why and where they were going with it, but still, LAAAAAME.  So that leaves Borga and Luger and you’d think Luger can’t possibly fuck THIS one up.  Borga with a sideslam for two.  Delayed suplex gets two.  Powerslam gets two.  Clotheslines get two.  Luger comes back for a double clothesline that puts both guys down, but now Fuji gives Borga the salt bucket to take over.  That gets two.  Luger makes the ALL AMERICAN COMEBACK with a powerslam for two, and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 27:58.  And then the giant WTF ending sees Santa Claus coming out to celebrate with Luger.  Yeah, OK.  **1/2

The Pulse:

1993 was a BAD year for PPV.  Recommendation to avoid.

Survivor Series Countdown: 1993

The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1993

(2011 Scott sez:  This was from a couple of years ago, so no snarky comments needed.)

– Live from Boston, MA.

– Your hosts are Vince and for the last time on a WWF PPV, Bobby Heenan.

Adam Bomb, IRS, Diesel and Rick Martel v. Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, 1-2-3 Kid and Razor Ramon. 

Can you IMAGINE the drug bills on the babyface side?  They’re gonna make some coke dealer VERY happy.  So anyway, Mr. Perfect was supposed to be captaining the babyfaces, but he disappeared from the WWF, leaving us with Savage.  Interesting how Vince still didn’t think enough of Savage to put him in the main event instead of the opener.  Ramon starts with Martel to continue that heated rivalry and they trade wristlocks, but Martel elbows out.  He gets a bodypress, but Razor rolls through for two and hits him with the blockbuster slam for two.  Ramon gives him a series of atomic drops and Martel tags out to Adam Bomb.  Bomb overpowers Ramon (nuclear power > cocaine + alchohol) and wants a test of strength to really hammer the point home.  See, now Ramon’s character is all about machismo, so it makes sense that he’d be easy to sucker into that kind of thing.  Ramon suplexes out of it, triggering a miscue between the heels and a total meltdown.  Luckily IRS calms things down, and Bomb starts taking it out on the Kid instead.  Great bumps from Kid as Bomb and Diesel tee off on him.  He knew EXACTLY how to make them look like monsters.  Diesel gets a gutwrench suplex (Crowd: OOOOOH!) and the big boot (Crowd:  OOOOOH!), but Kid comes back with a flying headscissors, and Savage gets the hot tag.  He runs wild and destroys everyone, gets rid of everyone but Diesel, and then finishes Big Kev with the big elbow at 10:18.  Great stuff.

Martel tries attacking Macho and gets nowhere, so he lets IRS have a go.  Savage gets a bodypress and a pair of clotheslines and brings in Razor, but Martel gets a cheapshot from the apron to take over.  He drops elbows on the back and Bomb comes in for the double-team.  IRS drops an elbow and gets a legdrop for two, and we hit the chinlock.  Ramon fights out and brings Savage in, and he goes up to finish, but Crush distracts him and he’s pinned at 16:46.  Glad they didn’t go with the wussy countout finish.  In the Coliseum Video EXCLUSIVE version, Savage heads back, past the Gorilla Position, and searches for Crush.  Riveting.  Back to the ring, Adam Bomb beats on Marty and Martel goes to an abdominal stretch, but misses a blind charge.  Back to Razor, and he chokeslams IRS and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 19:32.  Martel attacks from behind and it triggers a huge brawl, allowing IRS to nail Razor with the briefcase, giving us the countout at 20:41.

Martel goes after the Kid and they do a nice stalemate sequence before Kid goes to the arm.  Over to Bomb, and this time Kid counters with speed and puts him on the floor, then tries a tope suicida…and gets caught.  Whoops.  Nice spot.  Back in, Bomb levels him with the slingshot clothesline, but misses a blind charge and gets rolled up for two.  Kid fires away with kicks, but can’t get the tag to Marty.  Martel hits Kid with a gutwrench for two.  Martel goes up and gets caught, and finally it’s hot tag Marty.  Into the turnbuckles for two.  Kid & Jannetty get the double elbow on Martel and Kid finishes with a sunset flip at 25:49.  Marty with another one on Bomb to end it at 26:02.  Survivors:  1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty.  Boring middle portion, but the rest was great stuff.  ***1/2  Kid & Jannetty would of course have one last upset in them a few weeks later on RAW.

Meanwhile, Ray Combs interviews the Hart family.  It’s so sad having to shoehorn Shawn Michaels into this feud.  As if anyone would ever care about a Bret v. Shawn match at Survivor Series.

Bret, Keith, Owen and Bruce Hart v. The Blue Knight (Greg Valentine), The Black Knight (Jeff Gaylord), The Red Knight (Barry Horowitz) and Shawn Michaels

The Hart women are at ringside and Georgia has a crying baby with a soother.  I know it can’t be Teddy at this point, but MAN the resemblance is astounding.  All he would need to do is get fired by the WWF multiple times and it would be uncanny.  Shawn starts with Bruce and gets run into the Red Knight as a result.  Bruce controls Shawn with an armbar and it’s over to Keith, who reverses a suplex into a small package for two.  Keith works on the arm, but Shawn brings in Red.  Owen quickly dominates and hiptosses him, so it’s over to Black.  He gets triple-teamed by the Harts, so Blue comes in.  Bret clotheslines him for two and the Harts work him over.  Bruce gets caught with a cheapshot and Red gets a butterfly suplex for two.  Black pounds Bruce down, but falls victim to a backslide for two.  Shawn dumps Bruce and drags him back in, but Bruce hits his finisher (a clothesline, no really) and makes the tag to Bret.  Bret rolls up Black for two and gets a small package for two.  Middle rope elbow gets two.  Owen hits him with the leg lariat and a brawl erupts, as all the heels collide and Owen finishes Black with a missile dropkick at 10:48.

Bret works on Red’s legs, and Keith continues on with that.  Yes, this match CAN get more boring, why?  Here’s the problem with it, besides the obvious one of replacing Jerry Lawler at the last minute with Shawn Michaels:  Clearly the dynamic of the original match was supposed to be the Hart Family being forced to eliminate all the Knights before they could even touch Lawler, but here Shawn actually started the match, so there’s no payoff.  Anyway, Blue works on Keith’s arm, not even trying to hide his identity.  Ray Combs, on commentary, gets the unintentional shoot comment of the show when he notes “This is painful to watch.”  Word.  The beating of Keith just drags on and on until Bret gets the hot tag and finishes Red with the Sharpshooter at 18:00.  Blue attacks Bret and tosses him, and back in Shawn takes over on Bret.  Back elbow gets two.  And it’s time for the chinlock.  Over to Blue, who gets two. Owen comes in and hammers away in the corner, and Shawn bumps out and takes a punch from Stu.  Owen follows with a pescado, and finishes Blue back in the ring with a Sharpshooter at 23:44.  So it’s Shawn by himself, and he superkicks Bruce for two.  Bret comes in and whips Shawn around the ring, and gets the legsweep for two.  Shawn goes to the eyes, so Bret tags Owen in, and Owen accidentally collides with the blinded Bret and Shawn rolls him up for the pin at 27:25.  And so begins Owen’s heel turn.  Bruce clotheslines Shawn for two and goes to a sleeper, and then Bret comes in and tries to finish, but Shawn runs away to end it at 30:55.  THANKFULLY.  *1/2

SMW Tag titles:  The Rock N Roll Express v. The Heavenly Bodies

Still weird, even in the age of WWE owning everything.  The Bodies toss Ricky and get dragged out of the ring themselves as a result, and Ricky hits them with a tope.  Back in, Robert controls Del Ray with a flying headscissors and Ricky comes in for the double elbow.  Pritchard comes in and hammers away in the corner, but Ricky hits the Bodies with hiptosses.  The RNR do double monkey-flips out of the corner and the row-boat spot, which was just looking archaic even in 1993.  The Express were never really able to reinvent themselves for the 90s and it shows.  Ricky controls Del Ray with armdrags, and heel miscommunication results in the Express clearing the ring.  Back in, Pritchard catches Ricky with a powerbomb (“Kind of like Adam Bomb’s Atom Smasher” notes JR, neutered by Corporate even back then).  Over to Del Ray for some tasteful grinding, and Ricky gets tossed and moonsaulted by Del Ray.  Back in, that gets two.  Powerslam gets two, as Pritchard cuts off a comeback attempt.  Del Ray with a snap suplex.  A side slam into a Pritchard bulldog gets two.  See, now fans GET this stuff.  The subtle 80s offense and goofy spots fade away after a while, but take Ricky Morton and beat the everloving fuck out of him and people will POP.  Del Ray tries a powerbomb and Morton reverses to a rana for two.  He gets a small package on Pritchard for two.  Del Ray comes in with a moonsault press for two, but Ricky DDTs both Bodies, and it’s hot tag Robert.  Ricky rolls up Del Ray, but Pritchard tosses him for a nice bump.  Robert calls for the DQ, but that’s not illegal in the WWF and I bet no one watching in the arena got that whole sequence.  RNR with a double dropkick on Pritchard, but Del Ray hits Robert with the racket and the Bodies regain the titles at 13:40.   Crowd didn’t get it, but as an SMW fan I was digging it.  ***1/4  Now, if Ricky and Robert had really wanted to go national again, there was a way.  A couple of years after this Jerry Lawler brought them into Memphis against PG-13, and they wrestled as pretty much carbon copies of Tully & Arn, managed by a manic Mark Curtis, and THAT was the reinvention that could have made them stars again.  If you’ve never seen that match, I’d highly recommend checking it out because it’s the craziest shit ever.

Bam Bam Bigelow, The Headshrinkers & Bastion Booger v. The Doinkwhackers & Doinks on a Mission. 

Truly high concept comedy here.  Doink himself is not even involved in the match, so this must be near the point when Matt Borne left.  Seems to be a running theme tonight.  I don’t think anyone’s ever actually nailed his departure date down.  The crowd chants “We want Doink”, clearly annoyed by bait-and-switch once they realize that Doink is not actually in the match, but the babyfaces just kind of act like they’re cheering for them.  So onto the alleged comedy, as Butch hits Samu with a water balloon and pins him at 3:00.  Just accept it.  Over to Booger, who drops a leg on Butch, and Bigelow chokes away on the ropes.  Booger sits on him for the pin attempt, but gets distracted by a banana and gets pinned by Mabel at 5:58.  Over to Fatu, who is armed with Afa’s turkey dinner, and hammers on Luke with it.  Mo comes in on a scooter, however, and Bam Bam’s had it.  Fatu goes up with the flying splash, but slips on a banana peel and gets pinned at 8:53.  Yes, THEY LITERALLY did the “slip on a banana peel” finish.  Bam Bam is alone and slugs it out with Mabel, then puts him down with a shoulderblock.  The Doinks all dogpile on him and pin him at 10:55, however.  Probably one of the worst matches in the history of the Survivor Series.  -***  The “real” Doink appears on the video screen to taunt Bigelow afterwards, but I don’t think it’s Borne.

Lex Luger, Undertaker, Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner v. Ludvig Borga, Yokozuna, Jacques and Crush

C’mon, where’s Undertaker’s flag outfit to go along with the rest of the team?  What a prima donna.  Scott starts with Jacques and hits him with an overhead suplex for two, and we’re over to Rick.  Jacques wisely brings in Yokozuna, but Rick overpowers him and puts him on the floor.  Back in, the Fanatics pound on Rick in their corner, but he goes up and hits Borga with a flying forearm for two.  He goes up again with a flying bodypress, but Borga rolls through for the pin at 5:08.  That looked REALLY bad.  I think they had to go home early there because of an injury to Rick.  So Scott comes in and presses Jacques into Crush’s arms.  Jacques playing the coward who hides behind the bigger teammates is pretty funny stuff.  Wrong match for it, but funny.  Crush hammers on Scott, but walks into a butterfly bomb and Scott clotheslines him down for two.  And here’s Macho Man, but Crush doesn’t bite.  He works on Scott’s leg, but now Savage fights his way through the Usual Gang of Idiots again, and the brawl is on.  Crush is counted out at 11:39.

Back in the ring, Jacques holds a rear chinlock on Scott and puts him down with an elbow for two.  Piledriver gets two.  Hot tag to Luger and he goes to the middle rope with an elbow for the pin at 14:06.  Really?   Well I guess this IS the event where people traditionally get pinned by clotheslines.  So now we just need to get rid of the last of the deadwood in the form of Scott Steiner, and here’s Borga to do that.  Borga puts him down with a clothesline and hits a corner splash, then clotheslines him again on the way down.  Borga to the top for AIR FINLAND (I don’t even know what that might have been, but it needs to exist), but Scott superplexes him for two.  Yokozuna has had enough of this bullshit and no-sells a Frankensteiner attempt, then finishes Scott with the Hulkbuster at 17:00.

So finally the actual main event, with Luger & Undertaker v. Yokozuna & Borga.  Yoko chokes away on the ropes, but misses the big fat splash and Luger slugs away.  Yoko clotheslines him down, however, and Borga comes in for a punt to the ribs.  Bobby’s line about Undertaker coming up with a basketball team “for guys six feet and under” actually makes Vince stop and think for a second.  He will be missed on RAW so I’ll enjoy him while I can.  Yoko whips Luger around and then misses the corner splash, and finally Undertaker comes into the match 21:00 in.  DDT for Yokozuna, but he walks into a belly to belly suplex.  He keeps sitting up and Yoko keeps putting him down, finally getting the butt splash.  A second one misses, however, and they fight to the floor for the double countout at 23:24.  LAAAAAAAME.  I know why and where they were going with it, but still, LAAAAAME.  So that leaves Borga and Luger and you’d think Luger can’t possibly fuck THIS one up.  Borga with a sideslam for two.  Delayed suplex gets two.  Powerslam gets two.  Clotheslines get two.  Luger comes back for a double clothesline that puts both guys down, but now Fuji gives Borga the salt bucket to take over.  That gets two.  Luger makes the ALL AMERICAN COMEBACK with a powerslam for two, and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 27:58.  And then the giant WTF ending sees Santa Claus coming out to celebrate with Luger.  Yeah, OK.  **1/2

The Pulse:

1993 was a BAD year for PPV.  Recommendation to avoid.

Survivor Series Countdown: 1993

The SmarK Retro Rant for WWF Survivor Series 1993

(2011 Scott sez:  This was from a couple of years ago, so no snarky comments needed.)

– Live from Boston, MA.

– Your hosts are Vince and for the last time on a WWF PPV, Bobby Heenan.

Adam Bomb, IRS, Diesel and Rick Martel v. Randy Savage, Marty Jannetty, 1-2-3 Kid and Razor Ramon. 

Can you IMAGINE the drug bills on the babyface side?  They’re gonna make some coke dealer VERY happy.  So anyway, Mr. Perfect was supposed to be captaining the babyfaces, but he disappeared from the WWF, leaving us with Savage.  Interesting how Vince still didn’t think enough of Savage to put him in the main event instead of the opener.  Ramon starts with Martel to continue that heated rivalry and they trade wristlocks, but Martel elbows out.  He gets a bodypress, but Razor rolls through for two and hits him with the blockbuster slam for two.  Ramon gives him a series of atomic drops and Martel tags out to Adam Bomb.  Bomb overpowers Ramon (nuclear power > cocaine + alchohol) and wants a test of strength to really hammer the point home.  See, now Ramon’s character is all about machismo, so it makes sense that he’d be easy to sucker into that kind of thing.  Ramon suplexes out of it, triggering a miscue between the heels and a total meltdown.  Luckily IRS calms things down, and Bomb starts taking it out on the Kid instead.  Great bumps from Kid as Bomb and Diesel tee off on him.  He knew EXACTLY how to make them look like monsters.  Diesel gets a gutwrench suplex (Crowd: OOOOOH!) and the big boot (Crowd:  OOOOOH!), but Kid comes back with a flying headscissors, and Savage gets the hot tag.  He runs wild and destroys everyone, gets rid of everyone but Diesel, and then finishes Big Kev with the big elbow at 10:18.  Great stuff.

Martel tries attacking Macho and gets nowhere, so he lets IRS have a go.  Savage gets a bodypress and a pair of clotheslines and brings in Razor, but Martel gets a cheapshot from the apron to take over.  He drops elbows on the back and Bomb comes in for the double-team.  IRS drops an elbow and gets a legdrop for two, and we hit the chinlock.  Ramon fights out and brings Savage in, and he goes up to finish, but Crush distracts him and he’s pinned at 16:46.  Glad they didn’t go with the wussy countout finish.  In the Coliseum Video EXCLUSIVE version, Savage heads back, past the Gorilla Position, and searches for Crush.  Riveting.  Back to the ring, Adam Bomb beats on Marty and Martel goes to an abdominal stretch, but misses a blind charge.  Back to Razor, and he chokeslams IRS and finishes with the Razor’s Edge at 19:32.  Martel attacks from behind and it triggers a huge brawl, allowing IRS to nail Razor with the briefcase, giving us the countout at 20:41.

Martel goes after the Kid and they do a nice stalemate sequence before Kid goes to the arm.  Over to Bomb, and this time Kid counters with speed and puts him on the floor, then tries a tope suicida…and gets caught.  Whoops.  Nice spot.  Back in, Bomb levels him with the slingshot clothesline, but misses a blind charge and gets rolled up for two.  Kid fires away with kicks, but can’t get the tag to Marty.  Martel hits Kid with a gutwrench for two.  Martel goes up and gets caught, and finally it’s hot tag Marty.  Into the turnbuckles for two.  Kid & Jannetty get the double elbow on Martel and Kid finishes with a sunset flip at 25:49.  Marty with another one on Bomb to end it at 26:02.  Survivors:  1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty.  Boring middle portion, but the rest was great stuff.  ***1/2  Kid & Jannetty would of course have one last upset in them a few weeks later on RAW.

Meanwhile, Ray Combs interviews the Hart family.  It’s so sad having to shoehorn Shawn Michaels into this feud.  As if anyone would ever care about a Bret v. Shawn match at Survivor Series.

Bret, Keith, Owen and Bruce Hart v. The Blue Knight (Greg Valentine), The Black Knight (Jeff Gaylord), The Red Knight (Barry Horowitz) and Shawn Michaels

The Hart women are at ringside and Georgia has a crying baby with a soother.  I know it can’t be Teddy at this point, but MAN the resemblance is astounding.  All he would need to do is get fired by the WWF multiple times and it would be uncanny.  Shawn starts with Bruce and gets run into the Red Knight as a result.  Bruce controls Shawn with an armbar and it’s over to Keith, who reverses a suplex into a small package for two.  Keith works on the arm, but Shawn brings in Red.  Owen quickly dominates and hiptosses him, so it’s over to Black.  He gets triple-teamed by the Harts, so Blue comes in.  Bret clotheslines him for two and the Harts work him over.  Bruce gets caught with a cheapshot and Red gets a butterfly suplex for two.  Black pounds Bruce down, but falls victim to a backslide for two.  Shawn dumps Bruce and drags him back in, but Bruce hits his finisher (a clothesline, no really) and makes the tag to Bret.  Bret rolls up Black for two and gets a small package for two.  Middle rope elbow gets two.  Owen hits him with the leg lariat and a brawl erupts, as all the heels collide and Owen finishes Black with a missile dropkick at 10:48.

Bret works on Red’s legs, and Keith continues on with that.  Yes, this match CAN get more boring, why?  Here’s the problem with it, besides the obvious one of replacing Jerry Lawler at the last minute with Shawn Michaels:  Clearly the dynamic of the original match was supposed to be the Hart Family being forced to eliminate all the Knights before they could even touch Lawler, but here Shawn actually started the match, so there’s no payoff.  Anyway, Blue works on Keith’s arm, not even trying to hide his identity.  Ray Combs, on commentary, gets the unintentional shoot comment of the show when he notes “This is painful to watch.”  Word.  The beating of Keith just drags on and on until Bret gets the hot tag and finishes Red with the Sharpshooter at 18:00.  Blue attacks Bret and tosses him, and back in Shawn takes over on Bret.  Back elbow gets two.  And it’s time for the chinlock.  Over to Blue, who gets two. Owen comes in and hammers away in the corner, and Shawn bumps out and takes a punch from Stu.  Owen follows with a pescado, and finishes Blue back in the ring with a Sharpshooter at 23:44.  So it’s Shawn by himself, and he superkicks Bruce for two.  Bret comes in and whips Shawn around the ring, and gets the legsweep for two.  Shawn goes to the eyes, so Bret tags Owen in, and Owen accidentally collides with the blinded Bret and Shawn rolls him up for the pin at 27:25.  And so begins Owen’s heel turn.  Bruce clotheslines Shawn for two and goes to a sleeper, and then Bret comes in and tries to finish, but Shawn runs away to end it at 30:55.  THANKFULLY.  *1/2

SMW Tag titles:  The Rock N Roll Express v. The Heavenly Bodies

Still weird, even in the age of WWE owning everything.  The Bodies toss Ricky and get dragged out of the ring themselves as a result, and Ricky hits them with a tope.  Back in, Robert controls Del Ray with a flying headscissors and Ricky comes in for the double elbow.  Pritchard comes in and hammers away in the corner, but Ricky hits the Bodies with hiptosses.  The RNR do double monkey-flips out of the corner and the row-boat spot, which was just looking archaic even in 1993.  The Express were never really able to reinvent themselves for the 90s and it shows.  Ricky controls Del Ray with armdrags, and heel miscommunication results in the Express clearing the ring.  Back in, Pritchard catches Ricky with a powerbomb (“Kind of like Adam Bomb’s Atom Smasher” notes JR, neutered by Corporate even back then).  Over to Del Ray for some tasteful grinding, and Ricky gets tossed and moonsaulted by Del Ray.  Back in, that gets two.  Powerslam gets two, as Pritchard cuts off a comeback attempt.  Del Ray with a snap suplex.  A side slam into a Pritchard bulldog gets two.  See, now fans GET this stuff.  The subtle 80s offense and goofy spots fade away after a while, but take Ricky Morton and beat the everloving fuck out of him and people will POP.  Del Ray tries a powerbomb and Morton reverses to a rana for two.  He gets a small package on Pritchard for two.  Del Ray comes in with a moonsault press for two, but Ricky DDTs both Bodies, and it’s hot tag Robert.  Ricky rolls up Del Ray, but Pritchard tosses him for a nice bump.  Robert calls for the DQ, but that’s not illegal in the WWF and I bet no one watching in the arena got that whole sequence.  RNR with a double dropkick on Pritchard, but Del Ray hits Robert with the racket and the Bodies regain the titles at 13:40.   Crowd didn’t get it, but as an SMW fan I was digging it.  ***1/4  Now, if Ricky and Robert had really wanted to go national again, there was a way.  A couple of years after this Jerry Lawler brought them into Memphis against PG-13, and they wrestled as pretty much carbon copies of Tully & Arn, managed by a manic Mark Curtis, and THAT was the reinvention that could have made them stars again.  If you’ve never seen that match, I’d highly recommend checking it out because it’s the craziest shit ever.

Bam Bam Bigelow, The Headshrinkers & Bastion Booger v. The Doinkwhackers & Doinks on a Mission. 

Truly high concept comedy here.  Doink himself is not even involved in the match, so this must be near the point when Matt Borne left.  Seems to be a running theme tonight.  I don’t think anyone’s ever actually nailed his departure date down.  The crowd chants “We want Doink”, clearly annoyed by bait-and-switch once they realize that Doink is not actually in the match, but the babyfaces just kind of act like they’re cheering for them.  So onto the alleged comedy, as Butch hits Samu with a water balloon and pins him at 3:00.  Just accept it.  Over to Booger, who drops a leg on Butch, and Bigelow chokes away on the ropes.  Booger sits on him for the pin attempt, but gets distracted by a banana and gets pinned by Mabel at 5:58.  Over to Fatu, who is armed with Afa’s turkey dinner, and hammers on Luke with it.  Mo comes in on a scooter, however, and Bam Bam’s had it.  Fatu goes up with the flying splash, but slips on a banana peel and gets pinned at 8:53.  Yes, THEY LITERALLY did the “slip on a banana peel” finish.  Bam Bam is alone and slugs it out with Mabel, then puts him down with a shoulderblock.  The Doinks all dogpile on him and pin him at 10:55, however.  Probably one of the worst matches in the history of the Survivor Series.  -***  The “real” Doink appears on the video screen to taunt Bigelow afterwards, but I don’t think it’s Borne.

Lex Luger, Undertaker, Rick Steiner and Scott Steiner v. Ludvig Borga, Yokozuna, Jacques and Crush

C’mon, where’s Undertaker’s flag outfit to go along with the rest of the team?  What a prima donna.  Scott starts with Jacques and hits him with an overhead suplex for two, and we’re over to Rick.  Jacques wisely brings in Yokozuna, but Rick overpowers him and puts him on the floor.  Back in, the Fanatics pound on Rick in their corner, but he goes up and hits Borga with a flying forearm for two.  He goes up again with a flying bodypress, but Borga rolls through for the pin at 5:08.  That looked REALLY bad.  I think they had to go home early there because of an injury to Rick.  So Scott comes in and presses Jacques into Crush’s arms.  Jacques playing the coward who hides behind the bigger teammates is pretty funny stuff.  Wrong match for it, but funny.  Crush hammers on Scott, but walks into a butterfly bomb and Scott clotheslines him down for two.  And here’s Macho Man, but Crush doesn’t bite.  He works on Scott’s leg, but now Savage fights his way through the Usual Gang of Idiots again, and the brawl is on.  Crush is counted out at 11:39.

Back in the ring, Jacques holds a rear chinlock on Scott and puts him down with an elbow for two.  Piledriver gets two.  Hot tag to Luger and he goes to the middle rope with an elbow for the pin at 14:06.  Really?   Well I guess this IS the event where people traditionally get pinned by clotheslines.  So now we just need to get rid of the last of the deadwood in the form of Scott Steiner, and here’s Borga to do that.  Borga puts him down with a clothesline and hits a corner splash, then clotheslines him again on the way down.  Borga to the top for AIR FINLAND (I don’t even know what that might have been, but it needs to exist), but Scott superplexes him for two.  Yokozuna has had enough of this bullshit and no-sells a Frankensteiner attempt, then finishes Scott with the Hulkbuster at 17:00.

So finally the actual main event, with Luger & Undertaker v. Yokozuna & Borga.  Yoko chokes away on the ropes, but misses the big fat splash and Luger slugs away.  Yoko clotheslines him down, however, and Borga comes in for a punt to the ribs.  Bobby’s line about Undertaker coming up with a basketball team “for guys six feet and under” actually makes Vince stop and think for a second.  He will be missed on RAW so I’ll enjoy him while I can.  Yoko whips Luger around and then misses the corner splash, and finally Undertaker comes into the match 21:00 in.  DDT for Yokozuna, but he walks into a belly to belly suplex.  He keeps sitting up and Yoko keeps putting him down, finally getting the butt splash.  A second one misses, however, and they fight to the floor for the double countout at 23:24.  LAAAAAAAME.  I know why and where they were going with it, but still, LAAAAAME.  So that leaves Borga and Luger and you’d think Luger can’t possibly fuck THIS one up.  Borga with a sideslam for two.  Delayed suplex gets two.  Powerslam gets two.  Clotheslines get two.  Luger comes back for a double clothesline that puts both guys down, but now Fuji gives Borga the salt bucket to take over.  That gets two.  Luger makes the ALL AMERICAN COMEBACK with a powerslam for two, and the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH finishes at 27:58.  And then the giant WTF ending sees Santa Claus coming out to celebrate with Luger.  Yeah, OK.  **1/2

The Pulse:

1993 was a BAD year for PPV.  Recommendation to avoid.