Welcome back to the first Main Event following Extreme Rules! Happy Cinco de Seis!
I hope you have a bottle of Tequila left because, tonight, we’re going to “hear from John Cena” whether you like it or not.
Before we begin, I have to say that I really don’t know who has it worse at this point: Cena or Daniel Bryan. Cena’s selling you T-shirts so he’s gotta stay relevant and I get that. For better or worse, we have to deal with Hip Hop Hogan and his arm band and the five moves of doom. All the kids go nuts and everyone’s happy but us.
So, Cena’s out there, tearing it up and feuding with a top heel…but out comes “Little Johnny” (seriously, they named the kid) and, suddenly, kids singing in sheep masks goes from cool and unexpected to really hokey. They even unearthed the voice changer gimmick from the Nailz-Bossman struggle.
It’s not like this thing was any good to begin with. Their Wrestlemania match was SO boring and the cage match at ER was about the same.
What’s the alternative?
Oh, yeah, the champion who was seen for, like, 14 minutes over the course of three weeks and is essentially being given a recycled Cena storyline from two years ago where Cena had to win by throwing Kane into an ambulance for some reason.
It’s hard not to be cynical when Monday’s RAW was as bad as it was. One
minute, Bryan’s beating Triple H. The next, he’s running from Kane. Then
he fights and beats Kane. Then he’s whimpering impatiently about
“getting out of here” and the car won’t start while Brie shrieks like Kate Capshaw.
At the very least, Cena confronted Kane, beat the crap out of him, then made out with Eve Torres before (probably) banging her backstage.
I hope all this bullshit ends at Payback because RAW is a chore at three hours already. It’s worse when it passes into TNA territory.
Anyway, let’s go…
We are LIVE(!) from the First Niagra Center in Buffalo, New York!
Byron Saxton and Tom Phillips are the guys at the Announce Table.
- Cena’s out here to “respond to stuff”.
And, apparently, that’s all they’ve got for now. If that’s the biggest thing they’ve got, I give.
MATCH #1: Dolph Ziggler vs. Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter)
Zeb’s angry with Adam for interrupting his “deportation” spot on Monday Night RAW. Meanwhile, Swagger hits a couple of belly to back takedowns on Ziggler to start. Ziggler gets out. Swagger misses some clotheslines and Ziggler dropkicks him out of the ring. Swagger gets back in and gets another dropkick. Swagger gets a two count. Ziggler tries to toss Swagger to the buckle but Swagger reverses and Ziggler ends up outside. Swagger rolls Ziggler back in and gets a two-count. He locks up Ziggler’s arm and clotheslines him to the mat. Ziggler gets out of it, kicks Swagger in the head on a backdrop attempt and charges Swagger and Swagger dumps Ziggler out of the ring.
After a break, Swagger has Ziggler in a headlock. Ziggler escapes and tackles Swagger in the corner, punching away. Neckbreaker by Ziggler. Ziggler tries a Zigg Zagg but Swagger catches him and goes for a powerbomb. Counter by Ziggler and it’s a Sunset Flip for two. Swagger charges at him from out of the corner but Ziggler hits the Fame-Asser for two. Ziggler runs at Swagger again but gets caught in a Spinebuster. Ziggler BARELY kicks out…and then fucking Adam shows up with his party crew. Adam (who’s like a slightly more sober Keith Richards on Estrogen) gets in front of Colter, laying on the table in front of him. He grabs a mic and yacks at Swagger, telling him it’s Party Time. Ziggler hits the Zigg Zagg for the win after the distraction and gets the win at 9:51.
WINNER: Ziggler via Zigg Zagg
GRADE: C-. This was getting good until Adam showed up.
Post-match, Adam tells Ziggler to stay and party. He does.
Refer friends to the WWE Network and you get a $25 dollar WWE Shop Gift Card for each friend.
THIS FRIDAY: Sheamus defends his United States Championship.
MATCH #2: Aksana, Tamina Snuka & Alicia Fox vs. Natalya & The Funkydactyls (Naomi & Cameron)
This is, apparently, a match born of an alliance forged during a crisis on Total Divas where Natalya couldn’t find her cat. Yes, we’re booking matches based on the notion that somebody’s cat vanished for a few hours. Even Saxton and Phillips can’t take this seriously and laugh. Nattie and Fox start and Fox hits a nice takedown with head scissors. Nattie comes back with a sitting dropkick then tries the Sharpshooter. Fox gets to the ropes and escapes the ring. Nattie chases but Tamina lurks, distracting her. Fox kicks Natalya in the head and she goes down. Fox rolls her back in the ring and gets two. Tag to Aksana who goes in just to try to pin Natalya and it’s a tag to Snuka who rams Natties head into the buckle. Aksana is back in and she punches at Natalya, then yanks her to the mat by her legs. Two count. Crowd starts chanting, “BORING”. Aksana tries an elbow smash after a headlock and misses but recovers nicely and stops Natalya from making a tag. Snuka and Aksana trade tags until Nattie makes a hot tag to Naomi. Naomi hits dropkicks and a running clothesline. Aksana rolls outside the ropes and Naomi uses her legs to hit a sitting modified DDT. Naomi knocks Snuka and Fox off the mat, then hits The Rear View and the split-leg Moonsault for the win at 4:58.
WINNERS: Nattie & The Funkydactyls via Moonsault
Post-match, Nattie screams at Cameron for, presumably, losing her cat…even though they found him. Still a more satisfying storyline than Cena-Bray.
We get the Mr. T Mother’s Day tribute from RAW.
NEXT: Kane asks Bryan if he has 25 cents for the vending machine and Bryan screams like a cheerleader and tells Steph to bring the car around.
As promised, we get the recap from RAW.
(G/F: “Whoa…the Kane Mask Lantern thing was COOOOL. Ya’ think they’re gonna sell one just like that one at the WWE Shop? Or will it be a really CRAPPY one like the fake Wyatt Lantern I got you as a stocking stuffer?“)
MATCH #3: Goldust (w/ Cody Rhodes) vs. Curtis Axel (w/ Ryback)
Remember when Goldust and Cody had everything going for them and the RybAxel thing was on its way out? Reflect on that with me right now…yeeeees. Ok, now come back to reality and let’s watch this thing. The crowd is already shitting on this thing. A lock-up turns to a shoving match and Axel gets some kicks in. He goes for a back drop but Dust hits an arm drag on a counter. Dust charges at Axel who drops Dust on the ropes. Axel attacks Dust in the corner and hits a falling chop by slinging himself over the ropes, onto Dust’s chest. He gets back in the ring and hits a kneelift, getting two. Dust starts fighting back but ends up running himself into the buckles. Axel follows that mistake with a dropkick. Headlock by Axel. Dust fights back and nearly runs into a dropkick but holds the ropes and Axel falls on his ass. Dust hits a flipping pin and then a Spinebuster. Axel tries for a backdrop off the ropes but Dust hits an uppercut and Atomic Drop. He corners Axel, climbs the second rope and punches away. Axel slings him into the corner but Dust counters with a powerslam for two. Dust goes to pick Axel up but Axel dumps Dust outside. Suddenly, Cody goes for the Disaster Kick on DUST?! No…Dust ducks and the Kick hits Ryback who was about to jump on Goldust. Back inside, Dust hits The Final Cut on Axel and we’re done at 6:07.
WINNER: Goldust via Final Cut
GRADE: C+. This was all right. Glad to see the Rhodes winning one here and there.
ON THE NEXT LEGENDS HOUSE: The wrestlers have to strip. For chicks. Who came to see Mean Gene Okerlund and Pat Patterson half-naked. Those $25 WWE Shop Gift Cards are sure to be yours now after you show them this!
Jesus…we’re finishing the show with Cena’s “reaction” promo?
Cena says to go ahead and Follow the Buzzards™. He can’t stop the fans. So, go ahead. But, before they do, he wants to know what they’re following. Then he sings that Top 40 Public Domain Chart-Buster, “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands”. Or maybe it’s the Sheep Mask. Or maybe it’s the way Bray talks…he’s captivating and he’s lucid (G/F: “And he can’t put down a sandwich!”)…so, let’s take a look at the stuff we saw on RAW.
Cena wants to know what the fans believe in. Cena says that he believes in what he preaches. He’s not a god. He’s a man. He believes in respect and honor and hard work. Cena was raised to fight what he believes in. The competition may change along with the color of his shirt and the fan sentiment. But his message remains the same: you never give up…even if you’re the last man standing.
And, with that, we go off the air.
OVERALL: D+. This was a throw-away show this week.
That’s it. Thank you to Scott Keith, AndyPG for the shout-out on his RAW write-up and all the people who like what
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