Last week’s ROH was the final episode from the Toronto
tapings, and the next tapings in Baltimore aren’t until next weekend, so we get
a Road Rage edition from a live event
in Richmond Virginia to fill the gap.
The Show opens with Steve Corino telling us that he has to
fill in for Kevin Kelly. Corino proceeds
to insinuate that Kelly missed the show because he gave him bad directions,
which I don’t hold against him, Kelly is the dumbass who asked STEVE FUCKING
CORINO for directions. Corino “hypes”
the show with the most sarcastic tone he can muster. He tells us the main event is “that dirty
hick” Jay Briscoe against BJ Whitmer (the announcement of the second name was
complete with a mimed blow job from Steve).
Corino says that if he could wish for any two people to kill themselves they would be BJ Whitmer
and Jay Briscoe. Well that’s rather
harsh. Kevin Steen is apparently just
jealous of “The greatest man ever: Matt Hardy.”
Corino gives us a spoiler alert; at Best in the World Jimmy Jacobs will
become TV champ, and the Tag titles are coming to Rhett Titus and Cliff
Compton. Corino then sends us to the
Jay Lethal, Cedric
Alexander and Caprice Coleman VS Matt Taven and reDragon
Match is joined in progress; everyone is down except for
Lethal and O’Reilly. Kevin Kelly’s fill-in
play by play guy is absolutely horrendous.
O’Reilly starts laying into Lethal with some kicks, but ends up getting
caught with the Lethal Combination. Jay signals
for Hail to the King, but gets cut off on the top rope by Bobby Fish. With Lethal disposed of Fish turns his
attention to Alexander and delivers a Tilt-a-whirl back breaker. Fish then props Cedric up for a running Knee
from O’Reilly. reDragon gets this fisherman
suplex/legdrop combo, and unless they find a way to do it which doesn’t look like
shit they should never do it again. They
try to get Call of the Dragon (Brainbuster/Headkick combo) but Fish is dragged
out of the ring by Caprice Coleman and Cedric escapes Kyle’s grasp. O’Reilly is sent into the corner then eats a
dropkick to the face from Alexander.
Coleman hits the super-Huricanrana on O’Reilly to set up the Overtime
splash from Alexander for the three count.
Well this was fucking pointless, it was literally the last minute or so
of the match. Did Taven actually do
anything? I literally have zero idea as
to the quality of the match based on what was shown, and I can’t in good
conscience assign it a star rating.
sends us to the next match
“Zombie Princess” Jimmy
Jacobs VS Kevin Steen
We cut back to the ring with Jacobs already in it. Steen’s entrance is cut short when Jimmy
jumps out to start a slugfest in the aisleway.
Steen gets the better of the slugfest and starts beating Jacobs around
the outside area. Jimmy gets his first
real offense by throwing Steen into the barricade. Corino’s right hand man charges to spear
Steen against the guardrail, but Steen moves and Jacobs takes an epic bump
headfirst into the steel. Steen then
continues to beat Jacobs around as if he were Zack Ryder after he’d shit into
Vince’s soup. Steen throws Jacobs in the
ring, just to clothesline him back out over the top. Corino then bursts into a rant against Montreal;
he says nothing great has ever come from French people. You tell him Corino, Fuck the Habs!!! Steen throws Jacobs back into the ring but is
distracted by Corino. Jacobs blindsides
Kevin and chokes him out with his chain for the DQ at 2:33 shown. ½* This was the definition of a nothing
match, and Jacobs got maybe two offensive moves total.
Steen doesn’t accept his DQ win however, and clotheslines
Jacobs. Security comes out to break up
the brawl but Steen simply dispatches of them on route to grabbing a chair from
ringside. Titus and Compton run out as
reinforcements and form a wall between Steen in the ring and Jacobs on the
outside. Steen takes the mic and tells
Jacobs he knew that with the history they had it would end like this. Steen then lays down the challenge, if Jacobs
is finally ready to prove he’s a man after 8 long years, he’ll get in the ring
and face Steen one-on-one with no DQs and no count outs. Nigel comes out and tells the timekeeper to
ring the bell and start…
No Holds Barred:
“Zombie Princess” Jimmy Jacobs VS Kevin Steen
Steen starts by chucking the last security guy in the ring
over the top rope into S.C.U.M. on the outside to send us to commercial.
We return with S.C.U.M. having been escorted to the back and
Steen beating Jacobs in the head with somebody’s shoe. Steen looks to get back in the ring but
Jacobs crotches him on the middle rope. Jacobs
then gets a really ineffectual looking spear on the apron to send them to the
floor. Even the offence Jacobs does get
makes him look out of his league. Mr.
Wrestling is tossed back in the ring and Jacobs lays into him with stomps and
an elbow drop. Steen starts firing back
on the ground but Jacobs rakes the eyes and actually has some semblance of
control for the first time in this match.
Jacobs wedges a chair into the corner, whips Steen into it, and then delivers
a SLIGHTLY better looking Spear. Look, I
defend Edge using the Spear against people who say he’s too small, but Jacobs
is half of HIS size, it looks ridiculous, he should bounce of Steen’s fat
harmlessly. (it’s not like Steen is treating anything Jacobs does as
particularly threatening anyway) Jacobs
goes back to choking Steen then throws him outside the ring. JJ follows with a Suicide Dive, then jumps up
on the apron and signals for an axe handle.
Kevin catches him with a punch to
the gut in mid-flight. When was the last
time an axe handle DIDN’T end with the guy going for it getting hurt, using
that move in a match against anyone ever is like trying to power bomb Kidman or
jump headfirst of the top rope for no reason at Randy Orton. Steen power bombs his foe on the apron then
pushes him into the ring to deliver the world’s heftiest Swanton Bomb for 2. Steen grabs the chair in the corner, but
Jacobs jumps on his back and hooks a sleeper.
Steen fights out and leaves Jacobs sitting in the corner, but the
cannonball misses. Jacobs hits a
springboard ace crusher for 2. Jacobs
tries to hook the Contra Code, but Steen won’t stop struggling, so Jimmy starts
elbowing Steen repeatedly. He tries for
the Code again but Steen fights him off once more and hangs him in the Tree of
Woe. Cannonball hits, but Jacobs is able
to pull himself up and respond with the Contra Code on the chair in the
ring. It only gets 2, so Jacobs gets
some chairshots across Steen’s back. Jacobs
exits the ring to grab a section of the guardrail and throw it in the
ring. Steen takes this time to recover
and punches Jacobs in the face with a fist wrapped in his chain. Corino wants a DQ for this grave
injustice. Package Piledriver on the
barricade looks to finish, but Jacobs sweeps the legs and Steen’s head makes a
sickening thud on the guardrail. Jacobs
tries to finish Steen of with a chair shot to the face, but Steen rolls out of
the way and does Jacobs a favour by going low and turning him into the Princess
he wants to be. Package Piledriver on
the guardrail connects and Steen completes his near domination at 9:11
shown. *1/2 mostly just brawling outside
the ring, and pretty much the definition of nothing special.
Mark Briscoe tells us next week is an hour dedicated to the
life and times of the Briscoe Brothers.
It was actually a pretty funny promo.
ROH World Title: Jay Briscoe VS BJ Whitmer
Mark is on commentary.
BJ is just here to do the job and everybody knows it, which
is good, cause he blows and everybody knows it. We start with a collar and elbow tie up with
BJ forcing Jay into the corner. Jay
wants a rematch and this time he forces Whitmer into the corner with the collar
and elbow. Third tie up ends with both
guys tumbling outside the ring. They
start trading chops on the outside with BJ getting the better of the exchange. Briscoe is whipped into the barricade, but he
just bounces of with a grimace and boots BJ in the face. Jay starts beating the challenger around
outside then throws him so hard into the barricade that he breaks it. Whitmer is thrown back in the ring and he
trades elbows with Jay. Briscoe runs the
ropes but gets caught with a spine buster from BJ. Whitmer throws him out and then gets a dive
to send us to our final commercial break
Return with BJ holding Jay in a chin lock. Well I personally am fascinated by BJ’s
attempts to give Briscoe lockjaw I’m not sure it’s the best way to try and get
over. Briscoe fights out and starts with
a series of short jabs. Jay Briscoe has
one of the best looking punches in wrestling today. BJ blocks a punch then starts the chops, but
Jay ‘aint having none of that and forearms BJ in the face. He responds in kind and it’s forearms back and
forth until Jay ends it with a head-butt.
BJ tries for an O’connor roll but Briscoe rolls through, BJ then manages
to take him down with a powerslam. BJ
misses a charge and gets caught with an overtop neckbreaker from Jay for
2. BJ responds with some kicks and a
Dragon suplex for 2. Whitmer hits a
Fisherman neckbreaker, but doesn’t let go and hoists him up for a fisherman
suplex. Jay Briscoe then proceeds to suplex
BJ over the top rope through the time keeper’s table headfirst in a holy shit
moment that comes out of nowhere. What
is Whitmer’s obsession with tables and his head pounding through them? The story of the match changes here to BJ
being mostly dead but refusing to stop fighting. Jay thorws him back in the ring then gets a
Rude Awakening for 2. Jay Driller hits…also
for 2, I would have sworn that was the finish.
Mark starts marking out for Whitmer on commentary, which is odd since BJ
sucks. Briscoe try’s to get another Jay
Driller but Whitmer turns it into a roll up for two. Desperation exploder suplex from BJ gets 2. BJ tries to get another exploder, but Jay
Briscoe elbows him into putty, and then delivers SIX big boots to finally knock
BJ down. Jay boots him twice more in the
face with him on the ground, but he keeps asking for more, so Jay puts him in a
dragon sleeper and BJ passes out at 13:30 shown. *** BJ’s Second best match since his return last
year, and that’s no lip service. Only
better match from him was the street fight with Charlie Hass back in
December. He’s still has the charisma of
a rock, but as long as he throws himself headfirst through a table every match
he should be fine.
Meh show this week, only the main event was any good and it would be rated much lower if not for the crazy table bump from Whitmer. recommendation to avoid unless you really hate Jacobs or Love BJ Whitmer. See you all next week for Ring of Briscoe.