The SmarK Rant for TNT–02.15.85

The SmarK Rant for WWF TNT – 02.15.85

Brought to you by Levi’s button-fly 501 jeans!

Your host is Vince McMahon

Let’s take you back to December 1984, as Dick Clark presents a trophy to Cyndi Lauper in MSG for some kind of special achievement in women’s wrestling. So Roddy Piper interrupts and steals an award from Lou Albano, then smashes it over his head to kick off the chain of events that led to Wrestlemania.

Rowdy Roddy Piper is our first guest, and he’s only mildly impressed with Vince’s bright red jacket. It’s not ultra-suede like his, you see. Bob Orton hangs out behind Piper because he’s now the bodyguard and will put his life on the line for Roddy. Vince wants to know what was up with Piper slamming David Wolf and kicking Cyndi Lauper. Roddy explains that he’s just looking out for parents who don’t want their kids coming home with weird colored hair like Lauper. Also, she was touching his leg, and that’s a “no” from him. He’s just trying to save everyone from “MTV: Music to Vomit by”. And Dick Clark will end up playing an organ in the basement like the Phantom of the Opera.

So we go back to a special interview with Hulk Hogan, as the people are demanding a showdown between Hulk Hogan and Roddy Piper after Piper “crippled David Wolf and scared Dick Clark to death”.

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So we go back to another interview with Piper for his response, and he’s more than willing to face Hogan if the title is on the line. Back at the studio, Vince is amazed at the length of the contract and all the stipulations. Well, Vince is the expert on complex contracts.

Back to Hogan for another followup interview, and the match is now signed for Feb 18 at MSG.

Over to Bob Orton, who is proud of Piper beating up everyone involved in the Rock N Wrestling Connection.

Back from a break at the studio and Piper is showing off the hair on his chest and points out that Hogan is lacking in that department, but Cyndi Lauper has lots. Piper suddenly sends Orton off to find something that’s stinking up the studio, and we take a look at Piper & Orton v. Snuka & Tonga Kid via the magic of videocassette. The heels toss Snuka and double-team Tonga and it turns into a crazy brawl for the double DQ.

Back at the studio, the source of the foul odor is revealed: Jimmy Snuka, Lou Albano and David Wolf (“the half and half”) are backstage. This is enough to finally drive Piper away.

Captain Lou Albano is the next guest and he promises not to yell and scream this week, because those days are over for him. So he proceeds to yell and rant about how he’s not going to yell. He begged Hulk to DO IT FOR ROCK N ROLL. And do it for the Capper! So Hulk is gonna do it on Feb 18, a mere three days hence.

Jimmy Snuka is up next and Vince describes the electric performances of Snuka with his sex voice, and that’s pretty creepy. So we go to Superstars of Wrestling or whatever equivalent, for a Snuka squash match against the esteemed Bobby Bass. Snuka wins with the Superfly splash as usual.

Back at the studio, Vince points out that Piper was making fun of Snuka’s supposed athletic skills, and Snuka is so mad that he can’t even talk about it. He only does his talking in the ring. And he certainly doesn’t do any talking when he’s under indictment for the murder of his girlfriend.

David Wolf is our last guest as we do the super-hard sell for War to Settle the Score and Wolf is, like, a super-chill music guy, man. WHY ARE WE LETTING THIS GUY TALK? “It just happened, that, like, we got mangled a little bit that night, man.” It’s like a go-home promo by the Dude. Thankfully Vince puts this out of its misery and we wrap it up for the week. Apparently we missed something with Mr. Fuji and Jim Neidhart, though, since Vince talks about how we saw it. BUT WE DIDN’T.

Next time: More from Mudlick with Hillbilly Jim and his granny. That should perk things up a bit.