The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night–05.16.92

The SmarK Rant for WCW Saturday Night – 05.16.92

Yes! 42 minute version this week!

There was no sound for the first 40 seconds of the intro and it was FREAKING ME THE FUCK OUT. I’ve got enough going on in my life without my headphone jack dying on my laptop.

Taped from Atlanta, GA

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Theodore R. Long, who is now doing charity work and shit. Hopefully he makes some tag team matches between Make-A-Wish kids.

We get comments from Johnny B. Badd and Scotty Flamingo, who issues the Tucks Medicated Pads Sick Burn of the Week by calling him “Johnny B. Bozo The Clown”. OH DAMN SON! YOU GOT SERVED!

Teddy lets us know that he’s talking to the kids and telling them not to be taking the drugs or killing people. Maybe start small and get them to do one of those first.

Brian Pillman takes over on commentary at this point, so I don’t really see what the point of Teddy Long as co-host was.

Super Invader v. Ian Weston & Keno Mackenzie

Damn, it’s only the Invader’s first match and he’s already doing handicap matches with pasty jobbers. The Invader has panty hose on his face and a Japanese-themed bandana, so his martial arts credentials are LEGIT. The Invader hits the jobbers with back kicks and finishes with a powerbomb at 1:12, and does lots of vague karate movements like Superstar Billy Graham in 1984 while high on coke. They should have entered him into the UFC instead of trying to get Meng in there. He’d wreck Royce Gracie. Credit to Ray Fernandez, though, for going from Greek God to Iranian Sheik to Taiwanese pit fighter. A varied skill set is an asset in a changing economy.

Arn Anderson & Larry Zbyszko v. Ricky Steamboat & Nikita Koloff

Poor Larry continues to be scapegoated in the Dangerous Alliance breakup, as Paul E shakes hands with Arn but not with Larry. Arn sends Steamboat to the apron and immediately punches him in the nose guard to take control, then slingshots him into the ring and beats him down. Ricky bails and Arn tries to slingshot him back in again, but Dragon blocks it and comes back with a sleeper. Arn reverses to his own and Ricky takes him to the corner to break, but Arn bounces out and they collide for the double down. JR has the temerity to question the loyalty of Nikita Koloff in the WarGames match. If you can’t trust a Russian, who can you trust? Arn brings Larry in and he immediately gets taken to the babyface corner and double-teamed. I’m kind of disappointed that human wrestling trivia machine Jim Ross doesn’t even mention that, by the way, less than a year ago Arn and Larry were tag team champions. Arn cuts off Steamboat’s offense by hitting him in the nose again, but Steamboat gets Nikita back in as we seem to have blown past the entire heat segment and gone to the hot tag without filling out the proper paperwork first. I WAS NOT INFORMED OF THIS DEVIATION FROM FORMULA. Nikita hits Larry with the Sickle and Bobby Eaton runs in for the DQ at 5:23. Absolutely nothing to this one and everyone looked bored as fuck. *1/2

The Z Man joins Jim Ross for a sit down interview with Brian Pillman, and hopefully Jim can successfully mediate these hot tempered young stallions. They promise excitement and Zenk talks about how he’s got heat with the boys in the back because they all want a shot at that title. Really? Why? You’re probably better off just dropping the $500 and having a replica made. You’d certainly be buried less. Well that interview segment was certainly 30 seconds of my life I’ll never get back.

UPDATE! WITH ERIC BISCHOFF!

In a matter of HOURS it’s WarGames, and I can’t really snark because it’s a great PPV and one of my all time favorite matches ever. Also to their credit, it was time for the Dangerous Alliance to end and they blew it off and then split them up for good. In fact I’m well overdue to watch it again so maybe I’ll check it out again this week.

Meanwhile, Eric tries to talk to Ricky about his alleged marital infidelity, but DDP interrupts and has secret info for the Dragon. Maybe he gave him a Gold Club card?

Johnny B. Badd v. Scotty Flamingo

Scotty is still hauling JT Southern around with him like an anchor, although I will give credit where due and note that Southern made sure to at least have great hair. That does count for a lot in wrestling. I’m all about the positivity.

Pfohl the First

Badd gets a quick slam on Scotty, and in what alternate universe are either of these guys possibly light heavyweights? Badd works a headlock and Scotty takes a comedy bump off that while JR asks Pillman the hard questions: Are there personal problems between Brian Pillman and Johnny B. Badd? Pillman ducks the question like a coward, sadly. Badd is just holding that headlock tenaciously, but Scotty escapes with a suplex, so Badd just goes back to it, and Scotty rolls him over and grabs the tights for the pin at 3:56. Yes, the ENTIRE FIRST FALL was literally a headlock from Badd.

Pfohl the Second

Back from the break and Badd is all pissy because his side headlock plan backfired on him. So he slugs Scotty to the apron and Flamingo takes an awkward bump on his ass bone to the floor. Back in, Scotty stomps him down and chokes him out on the ropes, and they head up for a superplex attempt, which Badd blocks and finishes the fall with a sunset flip at 9:03. Not much to that fall.

Pfohl the Third

Badd gets a quick rollup for two and then goes to the headlock again, apparently too stupid to learn from the first time he got burned. Scotty quickly escapes and runs him into the corner for the heat as Pillman pulls out the football analogies. Flamingo tosses Badd and JT gets a cheapshot, and Scotty gets a chinlock to slow down this torrid hurricane of workrate. They both go for a crossbody and collide for a double down, as JR notes that it would be like “kissing your sister.” On a related tangent, my wife recently tried to set up one of her friends from work with one of my co-workers because she thought they’d be a good match. Turns out her friend was my co-worker’s cousin. So that didn’t work out like she envisioned, sadly. Badd makes a comeback, but runs into Scotty’s elbow in the corner, at which point Southern hits Badd with his guitar and Scotty gets the pin at 15:30. Meanwhile the guitar is still giving off feedback from the impact and the ref is apparently both blind and deaf. So The Z Man comes out and yells about this injustice to the ref, using the kind of persuasion he no doubt honed years later in his post-wrestling career as a lawyer. However, the decision stands today. More’s the pity. **

Meanwhile, Z Man is still angry about getting jumped by Scotty and JT after he ran out to mess with their business, and he’s all “I’ll put the title up against your punks any time you want!” This prompts Brian Pillman to question how Tom could defend a title he hasn’t won yet, clearly not following the history of WCW very closely. But regardless, this gets both guys ready to FIGHT at the PPV, and they get all hot-headed and they’re stripping off their suits and ready to RASSLE. RIGHT HERE. TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. Luckily, we run out of time before they can get down to their underwear and figure out how far they want to go with this bit of personal exploration and we’re done for the week.

I think we all learned something and grew as people this time.

tenor