The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–02.07.00

The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW – 02.07.00

By special request. I actually would have ended up here pretty quick if I went back to the 2000 rants anyway.

So yeah, in the week I skipped, the Radicalz invaded the WWF and then immediately got to job to HHH and his crew. Well, it’s Smackdown, no one watches that show anyway. Maybe if it was on a real network, like Fox. Meanwhile, Shane Douglas was sitting at home watching on TV and crying to himself about it could have been him taking that Pedigree.

Live from Dallas, TX.

OH YEAH I SAID DALLAS TEXAS IN 2000.

Your hosts are JR & King

X-Pac and his jezebel Tori join us to start, and apparently Kane was so broken up over her betrayal that he has gone back to the crazy house. Can we still say crazy house? I’m gonna say yes. The Radicalz quickly interrupt, allegedly not here to start any trouble, but here they are starting trouble. At this point X-Pac disappears and we never find out what he was going to say! So Dean Malenko recaps Smackdown and how they all lost their one chance to be a part of the WWF, and Eddie just wants to thank all the fans for their support. Meanwhile, Benoit wants to personally thank Cactus Jack for bringing them in, so Jack comes out for some hugs and farewells. So this brings out HHH and Stephanie, and all this peace and harmony makes her want to PUKE. Also, HHH is getting sick of dealing with all these bums who couldn’t get the job done, so Jack can have one last title match at No Way Out, and Jack can have any type of match he wants…as long he puts his career on the line. Of course, Jack picks Hell in the Cell and he’s fine with putting his career up because he’s never main-evented Wrestlemania and if he can’t beat HHH, then he doesn’t deserve to ever wrestle again. MONEY PROMO, baby.

And then HHH stalks to the ring while cutting his promo on Jack, and we seem to be getting ready for a fight, but HHH offers the Radicalz a choice: Either leave the ring, or show their appreciation to the man who gave them their contracts! And so they all jump poor Mick and beat the hell out of him to turn heel. Hey, business is business. HHH delivers a Pedigree for good measure as JR is in his glory here. They’re RAVENOUS DOGS, King!

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Meanwhile, HHH celebrates with his new WCW expatriate buddies, and tonight it’s HHH, X-Pac and the three non-injured Radicalz against Mick Foley and whatever losers he can find to be his partners. I don’t like his chances.

WWF tag team titles: The New Age Outlaws v. Edge & Christian

Those damn Dudleyz come out to watch the match right away, while Gunn slugs away on Christian in the corner, but misses a bodypress. Christian takes Gunn down with armdrags and Billy is more frustrated than when his dealer is out of the good roids, but he comes back with a press slam. Road Dogg comes in, but makes the mistake of telling Edge to suck it, and that allows the challengers to double-team him while the girls scream. Bryan Alvarez has made this point before, but it bears repeating. Where are the screaming girls these days? That’s an entire audience segment that has literally disappeared. When I was at house shows in the 2000s, there were huge sections of teenage girls who were literally SHRIEKING at everything the Hardy Boyz did and there’s just no one with that appeal anymore. That’s why they need in the midcard. The Outlaws double-team Edge while Bubba gives it to JR on commentary, but Edge fights back with a neckbreaker and makes the hot tag to Christian. Inverted DDT cuts off Dogg’s stupid dance, and that gets two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Christian gets rammed into the ringpost in the chaos, and Bubba necks him on the top rope behind the ref’s back and Dogg gets the pin at 6:17 to retain. The Dudleyz were great on commentary here and finally started to tap into the evil persona from ECW that got them over in the first place. Hell of a TV match, too, given the limited time. ***

Meanwhile, Mark Henry makes sure that his pregnant lady, Mae Young, doesn’t come out for his match and risk her unborn…whatever.

Kurt Angle is here to complain about people comparing him to Mark Henry, just because they were both Olympians. What did Mark ever do? Impregnate an 82 year old woman! While that kind of behavior might be acceptable in Dallas, it’s not acceptable to him.

Kurt Angle v. Mark Henry

Angle shoots for a facelock and gets tossed off by Henry right away, and he follows with a powerslam for two. Mark with the legdrop for two, and a powerbomb gets two. Henry misses a charge and lands on the floor, but now Mae comes out while Angle suplexes Henry on the floor, and Angle is forced to defend himself by giving her an Angle Slam for the DQ at 2:00. SHE WAS COMING RIGHT FOR HIM! He literally had no choice! Mark was full of piss and vinegar here for whatever reason and they were having a fun match before the bullshit ending. **

Meanwhile, the medical people check on Mae, but she just wants to flash everyone, traumatizing the poor EMTs.

Hardcore match: The Acolytes v. Crash & Hardcore Holly

Apparently we also missed the debut of the Acolyte Protection Agency last week, too. Everyone immediately brawls into the crowd and into the back, where they end up in the concession stand and Bradshaw stops for a cold brew. Bob slugs away on Faarooq while Bradshaw throws a garbage can at Crash’s head and breaks a bottle of vodka on his head. Viscera comes out (after a segment before the match where Crash told Hardcore that the APA wasn’t the only protection for sale) and slips in the beer puddle while trying to interfere, but recovers and breaks a board on Bradshaw, putting Crash on top for the pin at 2:45. Usual goofy stuff here. **

WWF Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Viscera

Uh oh, hope Jericho doesn’t LOSE THE BELT tonight! They don’t have steakhouses and booze in Dallas, do they? I think he’s fine. Jericho actually slips on the mat trying to run the ropes, so maybe I spoke too soon about the booze. He comes back with a missile dropkick and slugs away, but Vis hits him with a spinkick and puts Jericho on the floor. Chris comes back with the springboard dropkick, nearly killing himself on that one too, but Vis slams him on the floor. Back in the ring, Jericho slugs away again, but Vis catches him with a samoan drop for two. Blind charge misses and Jericho bulldogs him, but the Hollies run in for the DQ at 3:05 and it turns into a random brawl with them and the APA. This was a major whiff on an otherwise stacked show. ½* Hey, maybe Jericho should hire the APA to find his stolen belt?

Meanwhile, The Radicalz discuss who it is that is the fool, and it is not they who are the fools, but in fact Mick Foley who is the fool.

Meanwhile, Luna is freaking out, but Gangrel talks her off the ledge and is confident she can win the Women’s title. Aw, vampires have relationship issues, just like us!

WWF Women’s title: Jacqueline v. Luna Vachon

Luna tackles her out of the ring and the poor ref gets caught in the middle, and back in the ring Jackie gets a small package for two. Luna with a fireman’s carry slam and she goes up for a splash, but that misses and Jackie comes back with a suplex for the pin at 1:15 to retain. Okey doke. *1/2 But Gangrel stands by his woman and gives Jackie the DDT afterwards, because even she’s wrong, that’s marriage for you.

And now, a special look at Tazz.

Meanwhile, The Rock is here, and as usual he’s got no time for Kevin Kelly’s stupid questions. Rock wants to know if Kevin has had poontang pie before, and Kevin plays it cool and Rock casually cuts him off with “Don’t lie to the Rock” before putting a shirt over his face. Anyway, Rock doesn’t care who he faces at Wrestlemania and Big Show is just in his way at No Way Out. So he will “slap the fat off Show’s ass”. So onto tonight, and it’s not five on one, it’s five on…

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Come on, who doesn’t remember that moment? Rock is amazing because he’s a complete asshole 99% of the time, but when he lets a bit of decency show through, it makes it all the more meaningful and makes him an even bigger babyface. Also, asking future New Japan broadcaster Kevin Kelly if he’s “a bit comme ci comme ca” is also hilarious.

Rock is great is what I’m getting at here. He should go to Hollywood and make movies because he’d make some money and I’d go see them. Although I still haven’t seen Hobbs & Shaw yet because my kid wanted to see Secret Life of Pets instead. Kids these days.

The Godfather & D-Lo Brown v. Those Damn Dudley Boyz

Dudz storm in and the Nation cuts them off and double-teams D-Von. D-Von goes up and misses a legdrop and Godfather makes the comeback and sets up the Ho Train, but he gets taken out and hurts his knee. The Hos attend to him while D-Lo goes it alone and hits the frog splash on D-Von, but Bubba saves and they finish with 3D at 3:45 as the Dudleyz get hotter and hotter and their finish gets more over. *1/2 Bubba instructs D-Von to get the tables and they kidnap BB while she’s attending to Godfather, which allows Bubba to set up for a powerbomb through the table. Thankfully, the Hardyz and Edge save the table from being wasted on her.

Meanwhile, Cactus Jack still hasn’t found 3 more partners, but Rock will have to do.

HHH, X-Pac, Perry Saturn, Chris Benoit & Dean Malenko v. Cactus Jack, The Rock, Rikishi & Too Cool

So it turns out that Jack has more backup than he thought. And everyone brawls to start and the crowd is MOLTEN. Rock fights with HHH up the ramp and suplexes him by the entrance while Rikishi beats on X-Pac in the ring and finally everyone settles in to start the match. Sexay with a neckbreaker on X-Pac, but he misses a kneedrop. Saturn comes in and gets powerslammed, however, and Too Cool double-teams him, setting up the WORM as the crowd goes insane. Scotty gets cut off by Malenko and Saturn takes over with an overhead suplex. Malenko gets the heel kick and corner clothesline, but Scotty escapes and tags Rikishi to an even bigger reaction, and he no-sells everything from Malenko and runs through him. Over to Benoit, and Rikishi hits him with the samoan drop and blocks a suplex attempt, but then Benoit overpowers him and hits a crazy german suplex anyway. So Rikishi hits his own suplex and follows with CHEEKS OF FIRE as they’re just going a million miles an hour and the crowd is on fire. Jack comes in and lays the beating on Benoit in the corner, but then attacks HHH and beats on him outside, and that goes badly for him. Back in the ring, HHH goes to work on Jack in the corner and stomps a mudhole, but Jack catches X-Pac with a neckbreaker and it’s over to the Rock as the crowd explodes. X-Pac goes FLYING off a punch and Rock hits all the heels with spinebusters and a Rock Bottom on X-Pac for two, but HHH saves. Rikishi superkicks HHH, but Saturn superkicks the Rock and the heels take over again. X-Pac with the broncobuster, but Rock kills him with a clothesline and Sexay comes in with the Alabama Jam as the crowd gets hotter and hotter, but the heels cut him off. HHH uses the knee and Sexay appears to be face in peril and the Radz beat him down as Benoit adds a snot blow and backdrop suplex for two. Sexay gets beaten down in the heel corner and Saturn drops a leg for two. Double dropkick from Saturn & Malenko gets two and Benoit comes in for a double backdrop, but Sexay reverses into a double DDT and it’s hot tag Cactus. And it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA as HHH hits Sexay with the Pedigree and Benoit hits the diving headbutt for the pin at 10:11. Really, the Radicalz desperately needed the win here after their heel turn. This match was insanity, literally non-stop from bell-to-bell and one of the all time great matches in the history of the show. ****1/2

And then D-X comes in for the further beatdown, but it turns out that rumors of Kane’s incarceration were greatly exaggerated, as he returns with Paul Bearer and lays waste to all the heels and we are desperately out of time and I’m desperately out of oxygen just watching all that. Unfortunately the Kane thing really didn’t go anywhere, but what an ending to an all-time great show!