Nikki Bella vs. Katie Lea Burchill
Always good to start off strong.
The Bellas’ only character trait right now is “being twins” and they remind the audience in case there’s any blind people listening. Given that blind people have stronger hearing they still didn’t get it as they heard Brie talking and were too busy cutting their ears off. Anyway, Katie Lea throws Nikki around like she’s an Aldi till assistant and looks competent until she falls off the apron.
You’d think this would be the moment we get Twin Magic but instead she comes back in, takes a backbreaker and then goes back out. Brie switches in and gets a X-Factor to finish quickly.
Winner: Nikki Bella (Two untrained wrestlers splitting the work-load doesn’t result in one trained wrestler.)
Yoshi Tatsu vs. Shelton Benjamin
Contractually obligated theme song link:
Last week Yoshi showed racism the red card when he kicked Shelton in the head so we get this serious rematch. Shelton avoids his deadly kicks but falls victim to his more clunkier offence like backslides and crossbodies. Oh and an update on my hard-hitting investigation: Yoshi left NJPW for WWE after they allegedly wanted Tanahashi. What the fuck would that have looked like. Shelton dunks Yoshi on the top-rope with a powerbomb-snake eyes and then slows the match right down so the crowd can chant YOSHI YOSHI. And they do, loudly! Yoshi gets a few kicks in but can’t get the pin after a rolling snapmare into a low kick. A springboard spinning heel kick still can’t get it but Yoshi avoids the Playmaker and falls victim to a weird-up looking Paydirt to lose.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (This was all about making Yoshi look as good as possible until he er lost. The crowd already likes him and his unique look (and sound) but he looked like smooth peanut butter when throwing kicks and like chunky peanut butter doing anything else.)
Raw Rebound: John Cena vs. Triple H with the winner getting Orton at Night Of Champions. Legacy attack both men so Orton goes “it’s a double DQ so no-one faces me at NOC nyah nyah nyah” but Raw GM for the night Ted DiBiase makes it a three-way instead. What a weird period for Raw with all the big hitters getting thrown in during a mad rush for ratings.
Ezekiel Jackson vs. Jack Meridol
Big Zeke finally makes his debut after being in the intro for a month and a half. Let’s not forget:
BIG ZEKE AIN’T GOT NO CUTS
BIG ZEKE AIN’T GOT NO CUTS
BUT HE AIN’T GOT NO CUTS
Zeke wins an 80s style big man squash after a uranage aka This Is What You Call Domination.
Backstage: Some backstage guys are talking until they hear a scream and see some woman taking a back bump off a ladder.
They run over to help but don’t worry, The Hurricane caught her off-camera. He leaves (while going “WOOOSH”) and everyone wonders who it was. This was wonderfully bad which fits The Hurricane’s gimmick perfectly.
The Abraham Washington Show
Alright let’s see if Abraham can avoid dying again. The crowd instantly start booing so they must have watched last week’s episode. They continue booing after “David Letterman’s jealous of me cos my ratings are higher than Snoop Dogg in a balloon” so it’s already an improvement. His guest is ECW Champion Tommy Dreamer and a load of fat jokes. They bicker back and forth with Dreamer doing his I GAVE MY BACK TO ECW AND ALSO ONE TIME I MET EDDY GUERRERO speech until Kozlov interrupts. It’s hard to tell if Abraham worked here because he’s supposed to NOT work and he’s still as comfortable to watch as a Lars Von Trier film.
Christian vs. Kozlov
Winner gets Tommy Dreamer at Night Of Champions, Kozlov earning this win after pinning Dreamer last week in a tag match. Dreamer’s joining us on commentary to call his body “a bag of milk.” He’s Canadian? Christian uses his speed to annoy Kozlov to start but gets sent to the outside courtesy of a back body drop. That guy loved getting backdropped. We run into the Kozlov work-over section of the match which still needs work as he’s focusing on Canadian backbreakers and bearhugs. Christian escapes the Ken Patera offence and hits a missile dropkick straight to the head for two. Christian removes the exposed turnbuckle and lands the Killswitch Engage or whatever Striker decided to call it to earn a shot.
Winner and #1 Contender: Christian (Wasn’t much of a match due to the short-length but a clean(ish) loss to Kozlov after months of being built up is confusing. It’d make sense after we get over the Tommy Dreamer speed-bump though.)
Overall: Less entertaining than the car crash that was last week but it’s still encouraging to see the Next Generation getting ready, even if the majority of them were replaced by errr *googles* the Previous Generation.
I’ve been Maffew, thanks for reading.