The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–06.20.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 06.20.99

Six episodes left. I can do this.

Previously on RAW, Vince and Shane challenge CEO Austin to a ladder match with all the stock options hanging in a briefcase above the ring. I’m kind of disappointed that’s not how it worked when they filed their IPO a couple of years later.

LIVE from Nashville, TN.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Michael Cole

HHH joins us to start for an interview with JR, which Michael Cole describes as “getting right down to it!” That explains a lot. Chyna declares that she’ll be Queen of the Ring and “D-O-double-G with feel a lot of P-A-I-N.” And then HHH declares that “The biggest mistake anyone can make is to look across the ring at Chyna and see a woman.” Hey, he said it. Also, the future WWE CEO is clad resplendently in baggy jeans, a sleeveless flannel shirt, and backwards baseball cap advertising “Enemy of the State”. And then he probably went back to the dressing room and listened to some Creed. Maybe some Nickelback if he was really feeling edgy. Scott Stapp really gets him, man. Anyway, hot take, but Chyna’s characterization was all kinds of messed up around this point and only getting worse, since she was supposed to be a slimy sellout heel and female inspiration at the same time. And as we got closer to Summerslam, there were shows where she’d change from face to heel within the same MATCH.

Later tonight: Two four-way elimination matches featuring the King of the Ring competitors, for those who think that lazy booking was a recent innovation.

Billy Gunn Mr. Ass v. Ken Shamrock v. Big Show v. Kane

Yes, Billy Bitchcakes has now lost what was left of his dignity and will only be referred to as “Mr. Ass” by the announcers and graphics. So this is four corners rules, not a Fatal Four Way, which means two people are in the ring and you can tag anyone you want. Kane beats Ass to start and chokes him out, so Monsieur Derriere tags in Big Show. They slug it out and Kane clotheslines Show to the floor and they brawl out there. And then they choke each other out in a preview of their yawner coming up on the PPV next week, and both guys are apparently counted out at 2:35. Darn. That’s a shame. Hardcore Holly runs out and gives them both a chairshot for good measure and we take a break. Back with Ass all over Shamrock with a jackhammer for two. The Ass-Hammer! Blind charge misses and Shamrock comes back and he wants a big piece of Ass. Belly to Ass suplex and they fight to the floor, where Shamrock is absolutely pounding Ass. And then Shamrock is so obsessed with Ass that he attacks the ref for the DQ at 8:08. ASS WINS! ASS WINS! ASS WINS! This was a whole lot more Ass than you usually want to see on one show. Also, I know you’re wondering how they could book a four-way elimination match with zero finishes, but never underestimate Vince Russo.

Undertaker is here and he’s still WWF champion. I thought Austin won it back pretty quick after Over the Edge, but I guess it was after the crappy July PPV. JR wants to know if Undertaker smells what the Rock is cooking, since they’re fighting at King of the Ring. The first of several shitty high profile matches between them. Blah blah blah and he’s the lord of darkness and there’s no dissention in the Ministry, but if HHH wants to step into his yard he’ll find out who runs the yard. It’s too bad that they had all this mega-star power in the main event scene with Rock, HHH and Austin all near the peak of their game, but Taker just had zero chemistry with any of them.

Meanwhile, D-Lo and Mizark aren’t taking shit from Viscera & MIdeon, so tomorrow night will be a Gorilla Press match between Mark and Viscera.

Road Dogg v. Chyna v. X-Pac v. Hardcore Holly

Road Dogg’s intro continues to be sad and confused without Mr. Ass to focus him, as he’s spewing nonsense about “smoking a fizatty” in an effort to rhyme something with “Daddy” in honor of Father’s Day. He’s sounding like he took one too many chizzair-shots to the hizzead. X-Pac beats on Holly and goes for the broncobuster, but Chyna clobbers him from behind to break it up and Holly clotheslines him to the floor. Back in, that gets the pin at 2:00. We take a break and return with Dogg slugging away on Holly and Chyna at the same time as we apparently missed the entire heat segment during the break. Dogg with the pumphandle slam on Holly, but HHH takes the ref and Chyna knocks Dogg out with a chairshot (see what I mean about the chairshots?) and then Holly, and Holly falls on top of Dogg for the pin to eliminate him, and then she pins Holly to win the match at 5:24. So yeah, the match sucked and everyone looks like dorks here.

Meanwhile, the physical scar in Val Venis’s nose might heal, but the scar on his soul will NEVER heal, and he’s going to violate Albert on RAW in retaliation. Well, not gonna lie, that sounded a bit rapey. Perhaps he should mellow out with HHH and listen to some Sublime. Actually, now I kind of want to do that.

Mr. Ass v. Chyna

Oh yeah, forgot to mention, the winners of the two matches face off in the main event, probably because Chyna hasn’t gone over enough in one show already. Mr. Ass decides to moon Chyna and she attacks him for it and beats on him in the corner. Ass with the DDT, but HHH pulls him out of the ring and it’s a Pedigree on the floor for the pin at 1:45. #ChynaWinsLOL

Will the Corporate Ministry disintegrate live on RAW tomorrow night?! (Spoiler: I wish.) Tune in to find out!

Christ, I’m gonna have to redo King of the Ring now, aren’t I? Fuck.