The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 10.17.92
Good lord, another episode where nothing new happens and there’s no surprises.
Taped from Winnipeg, MB.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect
Bret Hart joins us to start, and HOLY SHIT HE’S THE NEW WWF CHAMPION?!? Yup, he thanks all the wrestlers he’s faced over the years, and especially thanks to Ric Flair for giving him the title shot. To say that my mind was blown tuning into this show at the time would be an understatement. And then Vince and Perfect do the opening spiel and Perfect goes on a crazed rant about how no one has ever heard of Saskatoon and Flair never should have set foot in the city and Perfect warned him not to defend the title in Saskatoon. I think that was the last time the name “Saskatoon” was ever said on WWF TV outside of event center stuff, actually. Also, no, I was not living in Saskatoon at the time, I didn’t move here until 2004, which sucks because I 100% would have been at that taping and seen the title change live.
So of course the real story behind the scenes is about get even crazier, but for the moment Vince was losing faith in Flair and Ric had allegedly suffered an inner ear injury at the hands of Ultimate Warrior and needed time off. So they made a panicked shortlist of potential guys, which supposedly consisted of Ultimate Warrior, Tito Santana, Bret Hart and I believe Undertaker but I can never remember the fourth guy. And to this day I don’t know why Tito’s name was on that list but that’s what everyone claims. And then Vince was pretty much decided on Warrior but Patterson campaigned hard for Bret until Vince gave in and went with him. And here we are!
Shawn Michaels v. Steve Gillespie
Perfect is still going on about Saskatoon. Hey, we almost got the St. Louis Blues a few years back! Shawn slides around to elude Gillespie and hits him with a back elbow and dropkick, then slugs away in the corner. Gillespie makes a momentary comeback while Vince criticizes the ref for “counting with both hands” because it might be confusing. Huh? If Vince is so concerned about the officiating in Shawn’s matches, maybe he should have a seat at ringside and tell the timekeeper when to ring the bell himself, huh? Really get involved. Superkick and teardrop suplex finish at 3:13.
Tatanka v. Brian Jewell
Tatanka gets some chops while Vince stresses that the red streak in Tatanka’s hair is still the blood of all the Native Americans. You know, I’ve been watching a whole bunch of Forensic Files on Netflix, and that’s what they call DNA evidence in the criminal world. “Well, his mass murder of the Native American tribes of the world was thoughtfully committed, but his mistake was leaving their symbolic blood in his hair. Police investigators were able to source 150,000 distinct blood type patterns and sent him away for life.” Tatanka works the arm while Vince goes on about ICOPRO and “Dr. Squat”. Well, if you can’t trust health food products from Dr. Squat, who can you trust? Chop chop chop and the flying chop sets up the Wig Wam Bomb to finish at 3:03.
UPDATE! WITH LORD ALFRED HAYES! BROUGHT TO YOU BY COLISEUM VIDEO!
Did you hear Bret Hart won the title in Saskatoon? The Ultimate Maniacs did, and they want to pass on their accolades and kudos. Warrior tries to clarify the fine line between lunacy and being a maniac. Yeah, that’s a pretty fine line all right. Gosh, I don’t know how anyone could watch this interview and accuse Warrior of being on drugs. Meanwhile, Flair and Ramon are going take all their frustration and anger and bottle it up until Survivor Series and then take it out on Warrior & Savage. That doesn’t sound like a healthy way to deal with anxiety. Maybe that’s why Razor had to self-medicate and Flair was drunk all the time.
Big Bossman v. Barry Horowitz
Horowitz runs away for a bit and runs into the big boot, as Bossman does an inset promo where he thanks Slaughter for taking some of the burden of law, order & justice off his hands. Did anyone ASK for your help, Big Bossman? I don’t think so. Bossman smacks Horowitz around on the mat and finishes with the Bossman Slam at 2:05.
The Nasty Boys are still whining about not being #1 contenders to the tag titles, and Harvey Wippleman claims that Kamala is not afraid of Undertaker and they were just faking all that stuff that looked like abject terror.
The British Bulldog v. Jim Peterson
Bulldog overpowers him and pounds away in the corner, and follows with a corner clothesline. Powerslam finishes at 2:30. Thank god they got the belt off him at the end of the month because this is a terrible title reign.
Meanwhile, Bob Backlund is a family man with a construction business. “Geez, Bob, we’re gonna miss you” notes one of his co-workers. “I gotta go what I gotta do” replies Bob.
SURVIVOR SERIES REPORT! WITH MEAN GENE!
Sure, we’ve talked about Ultimate Maniacs v. Flair & Ramon, but did you also hear that there’s going to be a COFFIN MATCH? Well, you’re hearing it now! Plus the Natural Disasters & Bushwhackers v. Money Inc & Beverly Brothers! Yeah that one changed before the show.
Money Inc. v. Jim Powers & Bobby St. Laurent
IRS reveals that in 1992, he’s going to vote for the Presidential candidate who raises taxes the most. That doesn’t seem to jibe with his otherwise ultra-conservative leanings. But hey, maybe he voted for Clinton. Anyway, the Disasters show up on the video wall to taunt them via still photo, but in reality Money Inc. had already won the tag titles a week before this, so nyah nyah! Powers is looked like a deflated balloon at this point, likely desperately flushing thousands in stash down the toilet before the testing started. He gets some token offense on Dibiase before St. Laurent come in and gets destroyed by Money Inc, as Dibiase drops elbows on him and the Write Off lariat finishes at 3:30.
I was hoping to get through an episode without a High Energy promo, but no such luck this week. Also, Shawn wants the IC title.
Next week: More matches for the Survivor Series! Crush! Papa Shango! Undertaker! Nailz (AGAIN? FUCK!) and the Natural Disasters, who will no longer be champions by the time we get there.
Shocking twist with Bret aside, this one is really scraping the barrel for these tapings and hopefully we move onto a fresh set next time. Also, the debut of Saturday Night’s Main Event is like a week away on Fox, and there’s been zero mention or buildup for it!