The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–06.06.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 06.06.99

Hey, last week’s show was at least decently watchable due to the King of the Ring qualifying stuff. Hopefully we get another one this week.

Last time on RAW: Vince McMahon has to beat Undertaker so that Steve Austin can get another shot at the WWF Title, which he does. This leads to Austin meeting THE GREATER POWER to set up the most legendarily terrible payoff in wrestling history the next week.

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King of the Ring Qualifier: Road Dogg v. The Godfather

Dogg’s intro is just all over the place now without Billy Gunn or the tag team titles. It’s kind of sad, really. Apparently Godfather lost the IC title to Jeff Jarrett on RAW this past week, which is officially where I completely lose track of who was champion and when, for those keeping track. Dogg slugs away to start, but walks into a sideslam from Godfather. Ho Train follows, but Billy Gunn suddenly appears with a chair and accidentally hits Godfather to give Dogg the pin at 1:00. Gunn is already completely useless as a heel.

Meanwhile, on RAW, the Acolytes win the tag titles from X-Pac and Kane.

The Acolytes join us for an interview with Jim Ross, but JR’s microphone is broken so Faarooq has to grab another one and they issue an open challenge to anyone. I wasn’t a fan of the Acolytes getting the titles at the time, but they actually wear the belts to the ring and look like stars doing it, so major points for that. The Brood answers their challenge, but we get a bloodbath and then they disappear again. Damn vampires.

Meanwhile, Steve Austin stomps around backstage. Maybe someone should give him a Snickers. I’ve heard your not yourself when you’re hungry.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Big Show v. Droz

Droz tries a couple of dropkicks and gets swatted down while the announcers try out a million nicknames for him. Rude crude and tattooed! The Mad Hatter! And then Jesus H. Chokeslam finishes him like a complete geek anyway at 1:00. And then Show beats up Albert as well. Gotta keep the Union strong!

Meanwhile, Droz and Albert head backstage after their squash loss, and Austin beats the shit out of them as well.

Meanwhile, on RAW, Jarrett wins the IC title from Godfather.

Intercontinental title: Jeff Jarrett v. Mark Henry

The mysterious GTV reveals that Henry had a really smelly shit on RAW. Why yes, Vince Russo and Vince McMahon are working together on this era of the show, why? Henry isn’t even wearing gear this week, just slacks and a t-shirt, and he gets a slam but misses an elbow. Jarrett goes up with a flying bodypress for two and stops to strut. Henry gets a corner splash while the announcers speculate that Jake The Snake Roberts might be the Greater Power. And then Debra and Ivory get into a catfight for no reason and Austin runs in and hits everyone with stunners, including D-Lo taking an EPIC bump off it. So that’s a Sportz Entertainment Finish if you’re keeping track.

Meat v. Ken Shamrock

Ryan Shamrock Watch Week 2: She’s still with PMS at this point. Shamrock attacks Meat and beats on him with knees. Meat gets a couple of shots on the floor as they brawl out there and runs him into the stairs, which gets two. Another name thrown out by the announcers for the Greater Power: Shawn Michaels. Shamrock comes back with a spinkick and a snap suplex for two. Meat comes back with a boot and stomps away, but Shamrock gets the belly to belly and finishes with the anklelock at 3:40. I’ve heard you shouldn’t twist your Meat that way. And then Jarrett comes out and immediately smashes a guitar on Shamrock. And then Austin comes out and gives everyone stunners. RUSSORIFFIC.

Meanwhile, Shamrock challenges Jarrett to the LION’S DEN tomorrow on RAW. If he’s got “the cajones”. OK there, Razor Ramon. Simmer down.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Test v. Kane

Kane stomps Test down to start, but misses an elbow. Test tries some offense but gets guillotined on the top rope and Kane chokes him out. Test dumps him over the top and Kane lands on his feet and necks Test, then comes back in with a flying clothesline. Test gets a cheapshot and makes a comeback with a neckbreaker. Kane gets a corner clothesline and Test comes back with a boot and pumphandle slam, but they completely fuck it up and Kane kind of falls into tombstone position before putting him away at 3:05. I could see what they were going for there with that reversal, but it SO did not work.

Meanwhile, dorky interviewer Lucas bugs Austin about who the Greater Power is, but Austin declines to reveal it because the person isn’t here tonight anyway.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Chyna v. Val Venis

The announcers note that HHH was supposed to be in this spot, but gave up his spot to Chyna after winning last year because he had nothing to prove. Wasn’t Ken Shamrock the winner in 98? Chyna attacks before we can discover what The Big Valbowski has in common with Chyna’s thong. So write your own punchline I guess. Val declines to hit Chyna with a punch in the corner, allowing Chyna to slam him for two. Pedigree is reversed and the ref is bumped, allowing Val to hit the Seaman’s suplex. And then HHH comes in and kicks Val in the nuts, and Chyna finishes at 2:10 to advance. This was SOOOOOOOO terrible. Like Chyna looked like she needed to stop and get guidance from HHH before, after and during every move. And then Austin runs in one more time and hits everyone with stunners (but not HHH, OF COURSE) and we’re out.

If you were thinking to yourself “Man, I could go for a show with a bunch of bullshit and Shawn Stasiak in the longest match”, then this is the one for you!