The SmarK Rant for WWF Superstars – 09.19.92
Taped from Hershey, PA
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Mr. Perfect.
Another cold open this week, as Vince continues to play with the format, and they go right to the first match…
Bret Hart v. Glen Ruth
Bret quickly takes Ruth down and stomps him in the gut while Papa Shango pops in to CURSE Bret, and burns a book.
Bret goes up with a middle rope elbow and backbreaker, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 2:15.
UPDATE! WITH MEAN GENE!
As all the kids are talking about, Ric Flair is the new WWF champion thanks to various shenanigans and tomfoolery from Razor Ramon. And then Ultimate Warrior carries him out of the ring, cradling him gently in his arms like Hulk Hogan carrying Elizabeth to the back at the Main Event. Hopefully Warrior doesn’t have lust in his eyes, too. I’ve heard queering doesn’t make the world work.
Shawn Michaels v. Ross Greenberg
Shawn offers a handshake and then slaps him and runs away, goading him into a chase and then ducking a bodypress attempt. Sherri now has a nose ring connected to her earring with a chain, and Vince is AGHAST at this fashion statement. The jobber gets some offense in the corner while Shawn is busy admiring himself in the mirror, but Shawn avoids a blind charge and hits him with the superkick and teardrop suplex to finish at 2:49.
Event Center! With Sean Mooney! Brought to you by ICOPRO!
Big Bossman is going to make sure Nailz gets taken out with the trash! Maybe he should call Duke Droese. Rick Martel does a completely generic promo about how he’s the best at modelling and wrestling.
The Mountie v. Tatanka
Thankfully the Mountie’s endless feud with Sgt. Slaughter appears to be done with. Mountie does a rain dance to troll Tatanka, and that tactic goes badly for him, as Tatanka hits him with chops and Mountie goes flying to the floor. And we take a break as Mountie threatens to leave. Back with Mountie selling a crippling knee injury on the floor, but he tries a sneak attack and Tatanka uses his, I dunno, buffalo sense and avoids it. Tatanka puts Mountie out to the floor with an atomic drop, but he skins the cat back in and attacks again. And it backfires again, as Tatanka chops him down, and finally Jimmy trips him up to get the heat. Or heat machine in this case. Mountie with a back elbow and he ties Tatanka in the totem pole of woe before going to work on the back and this match REALLY sucks. Vince tries to declare it a see saw matchup, back and forth, but you can tell there’s no enthusiasm in his voice. The phrase is going to have no meaning now! Mountie hits a piledriver, but stops to cut a promo for god knows what reason, and Tatanka suddenly pops up and makes the comeback with the flying chop. Big splash misses and Jimmy brings the cattle prod in, which the ref somehow misses, but then calls for the DQ at 8:30. Perhaps it was the loud buzzing noises that alerted him to the presence of the dangerous weapon? I’ve heard that the blind develop other senses to compensate. Some even become superheroes while practicing law in Hell’s Kitchen, and then Netflix cancels their show. Tatanka chases Mountie away. This was like the Virgil promo of feature matches.
Speaking of Virgil, he’s looking for Razor Ramon. Which reminds me, did Virgil discover Baron Corbin while having dinner at Olive Garden? Also, Razor Ramon stops by. Oil me, chickens.
Shawn Michaels has left the building.
We now return you to our program.
Nailz v. Kerry Davis
Nailz immediately starts choking this goof and Vince breaks out a COME ON REF 2 seconds into the match. He hasn’t even had a chance to count yet! Vince notes that they don’t teach a lot of science in the big house. Well if you don’t count cooking meth, I guess. Choke sleeper finishes at 1:00.
Randy Savage joins us for a special interview with Mean Gene, and now he’s wearing an Ultimate Maniacs kneepad. Aw, how cute. They’re like Sasha and Bayley, but with better merchandise. Hopefully someone is making a Tumblr AS WE SPEAK shipping these two. And indeed, Warrior joins the interview and makes a pledge to always be there for his new BFF. Sure, until Warrior flakes out on him just before their big PPV match. I guess they really are like Sasha and Bayley, come to think of it.
Is Friendship banned this week? I feel like we need his perspective on the new bond that the Ultimate Maniacs share.
Kamala v. Tony DeVito
Kamala chops the guy down and drops him on the top rope, then finishes with the big splash at 1:35. And then Paul Bearer wheels a coffin to ringside, thus giving us more build than we got for Summerslam in one show.
Sean Mooney spreads vicious rumors that Undertaker spends the daytime hours in a casket. He’s a zombie, not a vampire. Stereotyping is ugly, Mooney. I bet all werewolves look alike to him, too. British Bulldog does a rare interview with the IC title and invites anyone to come down and challenge him. Right after he’s finished with his crack binge, I’m assuming.
NEXT WEEK: The Komet Kid, Razor Ramon, British Bulldog and Ric Flair!