The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–04.18.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 04.18.99

Hey, I bought a new car! We went out for a test drive and ended up taking a 2017 Chevy Equinox home, which is actually the newest car I’ve ever owned.

Taped from somewhere, I dunno. The heat machine is in full effect, though.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Michael Cole

Shane McMahon joins us to start, after an overblown angle on RAW where he SLAPPED VINCE. Oh my god! The storyline is kind of hilarious because his motivation was turning on Vince out of fear that Stephanie would inherit everything from Vince and he’d be left in the cold. Which is pretty much happened in real life. Also, this storyline is even more ridiculous given where it was headed. Anyway, Shane will NOT apologize, and that’s supposed to be the shocking twist, I guess. It’s only getting dumber from here.

Test & Big Bossman v. Ken Shamrock

Shamrock is now a babyface again, which pretty much killed him off. Shamrock attacks Bossman with a spinkick, but gets beaten down by Test. But then Shamrock comes back and gets the anklelock, at which point Bossman walks out on the match and Test taps at 2:00. I guess Test is turning babyface as well now. This is SO Russo, booking handicap matches and then having the heels turn on each other because reasons. Also, Shamrock is feuding with Undertaker but the storyline here is with the Corporation. They might as well just…oh, yeah.

Meanwhile, X-Pac is unsure that Kane is going to show up tonight, and then Shane tries to broker peace between Bossman and Test.

Tiger Ali Singh joins us making remarks about how people “think he should be driving a taxi cab”, which is actually an inside baseball reference to abuse he was enduring backstage. He offers $500 to any woman who will come out and massage his feet, so PMS answers, but Tiger clarifies that it’s $250 each. At this point, we get the earth-shaking debut of Shawn Stasiak, aka Meat, as he jumps out of the crowd and beats on Tiger. Ridiculously awful and pointless.

The Rock sits down with JR, and he’s pretty proud of his plan to lure Austin to the bridge and push him off. Because really, he didn’t give a crap about the Smoking Skull belt anyway. JR: “But what if Stone Cold couldn’t swim?” Rock: “Well then he’d be in some trouble.” The Rock needs no one and doesn’t need Shane McMahon as ref to regain the title. JR makes a pretty stupid statement, saying that Shane isn’t even “a qualified ref”. He started as a referee! He was just working as a referee a few months before this, in fact! The Rock should have smacked him upside the head. Anyway, Austin is a piece of trash and Rock is a man and a half.

The Brood v. Mideon & Viscera

Apparently the Brood split away from the Ministry on RAW as they just keep shuffling the decks with no rhyme or reason. Why did they even join in the first place? Christian & Gangrel double-team Mideon in the corner to start, but he catches Gangrel with a clothesline out of the corner and Viscera comes in to beat on him. Edge tags in and the announcers can’t even explain why he’s allowed in there, and E&C double dropkick Vis to the floor and Edge hits him with a dive and the Acolytes run in for the DQ at 2:40.

Sable joins us, and you know she’s a heel now because she’s wearing sunglasses. EVIL sunglasses! So for her own personal safety, she’s hired her own bodyguard, Nicole Bass. Sable trying to be a heel was even worse than her babyface role, although it would be academic about three weeks later anyway.

WWF Tag team titles: X-Pac & Kane v. The Rock & HHH

Rock and HHH double-team X-Pac right away, since Kane is late as usual, but X-Pac hits Rock with a spinkick and then goes after HHH. Rock clobbers him from behind and the Corporation double-teams him in the corner, but Kane finally shows up and Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett and the Outlaws all run in for the DQ at 1:40.

This show was hot garbage with about 5 minutes total of wrestling, and it’s only getting worse as we go. Backlash 99 is still on my redo list, though.  Thankfully there’s only a couple of months left on the Network.