The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–12.13.98

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 12.13.98

Live from Vancouver, BC, it’s the pre-game for Rock Bottom!

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

Vince McMahon joins us to start, and he’s confident that Austin will be LITERALLY buried alive, along with his chances of winning the WWF title again. You know, under all that dirt and “three thousand pound” tombstone. So Vince unveils the giant Rock banners and mocks the Canadian people for being unable to speak either English or French very well. So everyone in the country should probably crawl to Washington DC and get what they really want: US citizenship. Shane joins the commentary team with weirdly overdubbed music and we’re underway.

Light Heavyweight title: Duane Gill v. Matt Hardy

Well clearly one of these guys ended up a bigger star than the other. Matt gets a neckbreaker and follows with a Splash Mountain and Lionsault, but the Blue Meanie runs in and DDTs him to put Gill on top for the pin at 0:49. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, George and Adam have a heated Bop-It competition on the Bop-It Game Center. This is the kind of hard-hitting Bop-It related journalism we’ve been lacking for too long.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole interviews Rock in the skybox earlier in the day, but Mankind sneaks up from behind him and beats on him in goofy fashion with a variety of office supplies and decorative plants. “It’s the corporate rhododendron! Oh, wait, it’s not a rhododendron.” Mick was funny here, I’ll give it a point. 1 for 2.

Meanwhile, the so-called “doctor” tapes up Rock’s ribs and declares that there’s no way he’ll be able to work tonight. That injury was so vicious that everyone forgot about it by the time the match started.

Mankind joins us with an early Christmas present for Vince: The fine print of the contract that says he wins the title by forfeit if Rock can’t wrestle tonight.

Brian Christopher v. Kevin Quinn

Scott Taylor is on crutches selling the vicious kneebar from Droz last week (and injured in real life) and I vaguely recall this Quinn guy replacing him for a while. Quinn hits some sloppy but hot moves to start, but Christopher powerbombs him off the apron and follows with a missile dropkick on the way back in. Meanwhile, Kevin Kelly ignores the match and reads the crappy TV show plugs. Quinn comes back with a shitty handspring, but he tries a tornado DDT and Brian blocks him and follows with a powerbomb botch into a faceplant, which Quinn clumsily reverses into a rollup for the pin at 2:25. This was BOTCHAMANIA. That powerbomb/faceplant thing at the end in particular looked like they were trying two different moves. The fans just boo the shit out of the match and Christopher doesn’t deal well with the loss, either. 1 for 3.

HHH v. Droz

I don’t like Droz’s chances here. Droz attacks to start while the other members of D-X complain about the cheating at ringside, and Droz follows with a suplex for two. HHH fights back with chops in the corner, but misses a blind charge and hits boot. Droz puts his head down like a moron, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE finishes at 1:34. Animal is so disgusted with Droz getting squashed that he walks out on him afterwards. 1 for 4.

So this immediately brings out Shawn Michaels and he bars D-X from ringside tonight. That FIEND.

Jeff Jarrett is out for an exceedingly brief promo where he promises that Goldust will strip “buck nekkid” tonight.

Michael Cole tells us about the THREE THOUSAND POUND tombstone and 2 tons of dirt that await Austin and Undertaker tonight. It’s not a match, it’s a gravesite where they’ll be grasping for their LIVES. Shut up, Cole.

The New Age Outlaws v. The Acolytes

It’s a bonus punishment from Commissioner Shawn, as the Acolytes immediately storm in and start kicking Road Dogg’s ass. Faarooq misses a blind charge and Dogg fights back with a clothesline off the middle rope and makes the hot tag to Billy. He gets beat up in the corner and then Shamrock & Bossman run in for the DQ at 2:00. “It was a setup all along!” declares Kevin Kelly. Gosh, do you THINK? The Outlaws duck out, however, and the Corporation brawls with the Acolytes until Undertaker interrupts with a spooky promo to end the show.

Check out Kevin Quinn tripping over his own feet on national TV if you want a laugh, but the rest is completely forgettable.