We’re in Hershey, PA and Tazz tells us change is here with Mike Adamle becoming the Raw GM (oh god oh god) so he introduces us to ECW On Sci-Fi’s newest commentator, Tod Grisham. Well Adamle has turned into ellipsis-filled white noise these last few weeks so he can’t be any worse.
Number One Contender Matt Hardy starts the show to tell us how hungry he’s been since being drafted to ECW. Mark Henry and Tony Atlas interrupt to remind Hardy he’s only lost the U.S. Title since joining the brand whereas Henry has won the ECW Title. Atlas produces a bar and tells him it’s made of steel so it’s stronger than Matt.
Matt replies he won’t be saying that after he gets his spine fused to his pelvis.
Matt reminds Henry it’ll be a wrestling match, not a bar-bending match (but he probably had one of those when he was feuding with MVP) and besides, Henry can’t bend his spirit. Tazz hypes up the bar like Vince McMahon ogling Gary Strydom. ”That’s ten inches of greased, hard steel he just bent!”
Ricky Ortiz vs. Chavo Guerrero
Tazz correctly describes Bam Neely as ”big and bad” but gets confused at Ortiz describing himself as undefeated when he’s only won one match. Todd very politely explains it to him. Chavo tries to wrestle but Ortiz can’t do that so he gives him a press slam instead. Chavo dumps his mid-section on the top rope and grinds him while Tazz describes Adamle’s departure as ”our loss is Raw’s gain” presumably while smiling his little arse off and slapping his thigh. Chavo manages to dunk Ortiz on the middle turnbuckle and tries a Dirty Pin with the help of Neely but the ref spots it and DQs Chavo because Neely is as effective as Italy in World War 2.
Winner via DQ: Ricky Ortiz (While clearly green, Ricky is similar to Mojo Rawley where there’s charisma as long as he sticks to slamming and striking. Or they could stick him backstage and have him explain Andre The Giant to some kids.)
Post-match, Neely manages to slam Ortiz without messing anything up (!) and Chavo follows with a Frog Splash. Evan Bourne eventually saves the day for his fellow newbie.
Backstage, Colin Delaney wants to know where he stands with Henry & Atlas after they left him last week. They’re disappointed with his loss but give him another opportunity as the segment gives me Oz flashbacks. Luckily (or sadly, depending on your viewpoint) they want Colin to wrestle Matt Hardy tonight so he’s softened up for Henry at Summerslam.
The Miz & John Morrison vs. Finlay & Hornswoggle
Todd leaves a good first impression by dead-pan describing Miz’s shirt. ”See there’s a chick and a magnet to show he’s a chick magnet.” Sadly he takes it back to square one by describing Morrison as the ”Salmon of Sexy.” Tazz: ”That’s a fish.” Still not as ridiculous as Hornswoggle wrestling serious matches, competing as effectively as Andre teaming with Haku. Miz starts with Finlay and no surprises how that goes. Morrison does better but sadly Finlay pushes him over Hornswoggle who is crouched down like a schoolkid. Horny butts Miz in the lower mid-section and they both connect with Earthquake buttdrops. When we return from break (there wasn’t any commercials, I just wanted one), Morrison is stretching Finlay who laughs it off and easily moves away from a Eddy Gordo legdrop. Finlay continues to work over Morrison as this match is all weird, shouldn’t Horny be getting beat up and the crowd getting behind the hot tag? Miz distracts Finlay so Morrison can shove him into the ringpost which goes makes a loud ”dunk” noise. Ah right, NOW Finlay gets double-teamed, until Morrison doesn’t learn and misses another indieriffic leg-drop attempt. Finlay powers himself up and connects with the Celtic Cross. However, Horny tags himself in and attempts a spinning headscissors but Morrison sits out and dumps him face first and that one move is enough to pin him.
Winners: The Miz & John Morrison (Weird match with Finlay playing damsel in distress AND the hero due to having Hornswoggle as back-up. At least Morrison & Miz won.)
Suddenly, Mike Knox appears
from his attic hiding steroids out of nowhere to kick Finlay in the face. Finlay’s tough so Knox has to give him another one to make sure he’s down.
Matt Hardy vs. Colin Delaney
Henry & Atlas stay at the entrance ramp to watch Colin like the family from Me, Myself & Irene. Colin tries a single-leg takedown but gets kicked away. Matt gets a near-fall from a suplex as the commentator describe Henry’s back as a ”car hood.” Colin manages a missle dropkick off the second rope for a one-count but Matt quickly takes over and ends with a Side Effect and Twist Of Fate.
Winner: Matt Hardy (Jack Ruby continues to have a more successful TV career than Colin.)
Post-match, Henry & Atlas get in the ring to help Colin to his feet after a tough match and…oh never mind.
Henry & Atlas stare down Matt and let him know he has no chance as the show goes off the air.
Overall: Good show for Matt vs. Mark but everything else was a placeholder for next week. On the positive: Adamle is gone, hopefully that’s the end of Horny in tag matches and Colin got beat up.
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