The Coliseum Video Rant 2018: “The Hulkster” Hulk Hogan!

The Coliseum Video Rant 2018 – The Hulkster, Hulk Hogan!

Oh baby, they just dumped a SHITLOAD of new Coliseum Videos on the Network, basically all of the individual showcase tapes that were missing. So let’s start from the beginning, with THE HULKSTER.

Your host is Vince McMahon

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Brutus Beefcake

FUTURE STARRCADE MAIN EVENT! We’re in Philly to start, sometime in 1985 judging by the belt. Hulk quickly puts Brutus on the floor with an atomic drop, before the poor guy can even get his jacket off, and they fight for the lockup as Beefcake overpowers him. Hulk naturally needs to get his win back, so he out-struts Beefcake and slugs away in the corner. Corner elbow and clothesline follows and Hulk works a headlock, but Beefcake stomps him down and drops an elbow. Double axehandle from the middle, but Hulk doesn’t even bother taking the finisher before hulking up and dropping elbows. Brutus comes back with a corner clothesline and chokes him out on the apron. More choking gets two, and more choking after that gets two. Why did the referee even count there? He just blatantly choked the guy out and then went for a cover! Powerslam gets two and Beefcake’s got nothing for interesting offense, and finally it’s the big final hulk-up, but Hulk goes after Johnny V and takes the high knee as a result. It’s clearly only a two count, but idiot heels Beefcake and Johnny celebrate with the belt and Hulk rolls him up for the pin at 9:15 to retain. 0 for 1.

Let us take you back to December 1983 as that terrible Iron Sheik robs the US of the WWF title and then straps it on upside-down.

WWF title: Iron Sheik v. Hulk Hogan

Everyone’s seen this one a million times. Hulk wins in 5:00 with the legdrop. It was fine. 1 for 2. We get the interviews afterwards as well, with “Ruth and Pete Hogan” and the celebration with Andre that was supposed to lead to a Shea Stadium match between them in the summer.

WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Iron Sheik

Back to May 84 and the rematch, and we’re JIP in Philly. Sheik loads up the boot and runs Hulk’s head into it in the corner, and we’re clipped to Sheik heaping various trash talk and abuse on Hulk, who is busted open. Hulk reverses a suplex and makes the comeback, and we get the basic Hulk formula finish this time, complete with wind-up Popeye punch while holding the moustache. That’s just mean. Big boot and legdrop look to finish, and then Hulk pulls off the Sheik’s own loaded boot because apparently two wrongs do make a right, and Hulk clobbers Sheik until the ref calls for the double countout at 4:00 shown. “If they don’t stop him, he’ll probably kill the Sheik” the announcers note. THIS MAN IS THE HEROIC BABYFACE. 1 for 3.

Cage match, WWF title: Hulk Hogan v. Magnificent Muraco

Back to MSG. Hulk presents Muraco with the title, so Muraco swings at him with it, and they fight over it and Hulk takes a swing back at him with it. Dude, you threw the belt at him! What did you think he was going to do? Hulk’s got the white tights tonight so you know someone’s bleeding. Hulk is the first one to try ramming Muraco into the cage, because he’s such a great fucking sportsman, but thankfully Muraco blocks and stomps him down with actual legal wrestling moves, then puts him down with a kneelift and headbutts him on the inner thigh. Don goes for the door and gets cut off, so he hammers on Hulk until Hulk makes the comeback and drops elbows on him. And then he BITES THE MAN on the forehead! Hulk javelins Muraco into the bars and busts him wipe open. Fucking cheater. Thankfully Muraco gives him a taste of his own medicine with a catapult into the cage and Hulk’s bleeding. Serves him right. Hope the wound gets infected. Muraco tries to climb and Hogan runs him into the steel, and we’re conveniently clipped to hide the evidence of Hogan’s brutality. Back with Muraco pounding on Hogan, but a big boot sends Muraco into the ropes and he’s hung there by the neck. And of course Hulk walks out the door when the man is fearing for his life, at 7:40. I give a point to Muraco for valiantly escaping from this bloodthirsty sociopath and so-called hero with his life mostly intact, even if he didn’t win the title on this occasion. Some things are more important than titles. GOD BLESS YOU, DON MURACO. Truly you are the most magnificent. 2 for 4.

And uh, that’s it for this one. Well, that was mostly quick and painless.

STILL TO COME: The British Bulldog! The Hart Foundation! Jake the Snake Roberts! The Ken Patera Story! Randy Savage & Elizabeth! More Hulk Hogan! George “The Animal” Steele! Best of Bret Hart! I’M IN WRESTLING NERD HEAVEN!