Money on the Table Countdown: The SmarK Rant for WWE Money in the Bank 2012

The SmarK Rant for WWE Money in the Bank 2012 – 07.15.12

(Originally written 06.08.18)

Another one I never watched, apparently, so that means BRAND NEW rant for you!

Live from Phoenix, AZ, with 9000 in attendance and 188,000 buys on PPV.

Your hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler & Booker T.

Money in the Bank (Blue): Dolph Ziggler v. Cody Rhodes v. Santino v. Damien Sandow v. Tyson Kidd v. Sin Cara v. Tensai v. Christian

Santino gets all excited and tries to jump for the briefcase as soon as the bell rings in a funny subtle spot that Lawler immediately ruins by pointing it out afterwards. Tensai catapults Kidd into a ladder and sets up Christian, but Kidd gets revenge and spears him out of the ring with a ladder. Christian dumps Kidd and climbs, but Santino follows him up, and Sandow pushes them over. Ziggler clears the ring, but Sin Cara runs wild with a rana to put Cody on the floor and then nearly kills Dolph trying a Spanish Fly from the top that almost goes horribly wrong. He goes up and gets dumped to the floor, but Christian misses a splash and hits the ladder instead. Kidd dropkicks everyone; and climbs, but Tensai brings him down and then powerbombs Santino and tosses him. He also tries that on Kidd, but Tyson takes him to the floor with a rana, leaving Sandow to climb. Christian climbs over him, but Sandow hauls him down. Christian spears him into a ladder in tribute to Edge, but Cody and Dolph get rid of him and fight on top of the ladder. Tensai viciously hauls them down and climbs, but his new nemesis Tyson Kidd saves. Santino gets his shine spots and hits the Cobra on Ziggler, but that sets up a funny bit where Santino is afraid of heights and the cobra has to forcibly pull him up the ladder. Cody gets all fired up and climbs, but Vickie follows him up and offers some verbal abuse, allowing Dolph to bring him down with a Zig Zag. Dolph gets up there, but Christian saves, and everyone heads up a series of ladders and falls down. Meanwhile, on the floor, Tensai preps the tables and puts a ladder on them, then powerbombs Sin Cara onto it and tosses Dolph like a ragdoll into the announce position. This leaves Cody and Tyson Kidd alive in the ring, and they fight on top of the ladder, but Christian spears them off and everyone is dead again. Santino makes it to the top again, but Christian puts him down for a comedy bump, only for Dolph to dramatically dive back into the ring, knock him off, and win the case at 18:26. That was pretty much what everyone assumed would happen, but the payoff was certainly memorable once it came. Crazy match, nothing but highspots start to finish, and probably the last time Tensai looked like a badass before they gave up on the gimmick. ****

The Miz returns from shooting a movie and adds himself to the Money in the Bank All-Stars match later tonight.

Smackdown World title: Sheamus v. Alberto Del Rio

Del Rio throws kicks on Sheamus’s arm in the corner and goes after it, but Sheamus knees him down for two. He goes up with the shoulderblock for two, and Del Rio bails and suckers him into charging and hitting the railing. Back in, Del Rio with a bodypress for two and he goes back to the arm. ADR works on a wristlock and kicks him down for two, but Sheamus gets a neckbreaker out of the corner and Del Rio puts him down with a clothesline for two. Sheamus charges and hits the post, and Del Rio slugs him down and tries the armbar. Sheamus counters out and slingshots from the ring apron with a shoulderblock, but Del Rio catches him with an armbreaker in mid-air for two. Sheamus comes back with a powerslam for two and the backbreaker gets two. Brogue Kick misses and Del Rio gets the backstabber for two. He misses the enzugiri and Sheamus hits him with White Noise and finishes with the Brogue Kick at 14:22. This was fine. **1/2 Dolph Ziggler tries to cash in his case, but Sheamus lays him out with the Brogue Kick before the bell can ring, so Dolph retains the case on a technicality.

The Primetime Players v. Primo & Epico

I guess this was set up by Abraham Washington turning on Epico & Primo and joining the PTP, none of which I remember at all. The Players work over Primo in the corner, but Epico cleans house and hits them with a dive, then slingshots back in with a senton on Young for two. Titus tosses him to take over and they work Epico over in the corner and Titus gets a slam for two. This just DRAGS forever until Primo gets a hot tag, but he dives at Young and lands on the double knees, only to recover with a rollup for the pin at 7:33. Crowd was dead and the match was boring, but AW was really funny at ringside with the live mic. Of course, he made a Kobe Bryant joke on a live RAW two weeks later and got fired and hasn’t been heard from since. * Add “Kofi Kingston & R-Truth as tag champions” to the list of things I don’t remember at all.

WWE title: CM Punk v. Daniel Bryan

AJ Lee, doing the crazy ex-girlfriend gimmick and trying to play them off each other, is the special referee for this. Although of course we know where it ended up in real life. Hey guys, did you know WWE has this hot new social media service called TOUT that everyone can go on and leave messages and stuff? I bet that’ll be around FOREVER. Bryan throws kicks at Punk to start, but they fight to the floor and Punk runs him into the railing and Bryan returns the favor. Back in, Bryan throws some Yes Kicks, but Punk rolls him up for two. They slug it out in the corner and exchange chops, then thro down with leg kicks on each other until Bryan goes down first. Punk goes up and misses a legdrop, allowing Bryan to kick him down again, but Punk dropkicks him out of the ring and follows with a dive. They fight on the floor and AJ inadvertently gets bumped, which removes her from the match for the time being. Bryan continues throwing kicks on Punk on the floor and hits the move that would become the Yes Knee/Knee Plus off the apron as the crowd is divided. Punk crotches him on the railing and follows with a clothesline to the floor. The crowd wants tables, so Punk obliges, only to have Bryan find a kendo stick first and they fight over that. Back in, Punk springboards at him, but Bryan hits him with the stick for two. Bryan lays into him with the stick like he’s Commander Waterford, and that gets two. Bryan throws more kicks in the corner and follows with a snap suplex, but misses a diving headbutt. They trade high kicks and slug it out as Punk makes the comeback with a neckbreaker for two. Powerslam gets two. Bryan counters the GTS into a rollup for two, and puts Punk down with a head kick, and both guys are out. Bryan recovers first and hooks him in the Rita Romero Special, but Punk gets the kendo stick and WHOOPS him for two. Bryan fights back with a superplex, but now AJ returns while both guys are down and out. She leaves a chair for them to fight over, and Bryan wins that battle and lays Punk out with it, for two. Bryan stops to plead for a faster count, and Punk rolls him up for two. So Bryan hits Punk with the Yes Kicks in the corner, but Punk comes out of the corner with a clothesline and sets up the chair in the other corner. This allows Bryan to dropkick him into the chair after some distraction from AJ, but then she prevents Bryan from getting his kendo stick again. Punk slams him on the chair off that and goes up for the Macho Elbow, but he misses and hits the chair. So this sets up the Yes Lock while using the kendo stick to rake Punk’s face for leverage, but Punk whacks Bryan in the knee with the stick to break, and hits the GTS. That gets two. Punk sets up the table and goes up for another elbow, but Bryan was ACTING and tries to bring Punk down with a rana. Punk escapes that and suplexes Bryan through the table instead, and that gets the pin at 27:51. AJ sold the idea that she wanted to control the outcome and Punk took that out of her hands. This was setting up all kinds of interesting stuff, but everything suddenly veered into drastically different directions for all three people after RAW 1000, to say the least. Hell of a match, although not as great as the one from Over the Limit earlier in the year. ****1/4

Ryback v. Tyler Reks & Curt Hawkins

The geeks manage to do some double-teams on Ryback in their corner and Reks slams Hawkins onto him for two. Double suplex gets two for Hawkins. Who was booking Ryback to sell for 3 minutes? Inevitably he comes back and powerbombs both guys, then dumps Hawkins and finishes Reks with the Meathook clothesline and Shellshock at 4:20. They were still struggling to get him over at this point. ½*

Hey guys, have you heard about TOUT? It’s a wholly original idea not at all like Vine.

Layla, Kaitlyn & Tamina v. Beth Phoenix, Natalya & Eve Torres

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned this before, but apparently Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. For those such as myself who would have no idea looking at this lineup, the babyfaces were Kaitlyn, Tamina and Layla at this point in time. The faces do some double-teaming on Nattie to start, but Eve hits Kaitlyn with a kick out of the corner for two. They work her over in the heel corner for about 10 seconds and then Layla gets a hot tag and crossbody on Beth for two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and Tamina superkicks Beth into a Layla neckbreaker for the pin at 3:23. Just time filler. *

Money in the Bank (Red): John Cena v. Big Show v. Miz v. Chris Jericho v. Kane

Kane of course was terrorizing Zack Ryder and wearing a welder’s mask for no adequately explored reason at this point. Cena dumps Show to start and gets thrown into the stairs for his troubles, leaving Miz to climb for the case. Show saves and bowls everyone over, then drops a ladder on Jericho’s head outside before rekindling his fight with Kane. Show swats everyone down, but the other four gang up on him and hit their finishers to put him on the floor, leading to Cena giving him an impressive AA through the table. Everyone buries him in ladders, which is funny because I just watched the 2010 show where they did that same spot earlier in the day. Jericho somehow picks a ladder out of the 18 million of them at ringside and climbs, but Miz stops him, so he puts Miz into the Walls and really lays on it, until Kane breaks it up. Jericho whips Miz into a ladder and makes the climb, but Cena brings him down and goes for the case. Miz hauls him down climbs, but Kane throws a ladder at him to save and then goes after Jericho. Miz and Jericho team up with a double suplex onto a ladder, but now Cena comes back and slams them onto a ladder for a double Five Knuckle Shuffle. And it was on a ladder, so it REALLY hurt! He drops Kane onto Miz with an AA, but Jericho takes him out and has the ring to himself again. Show recovers and we get a neat spot where he physically rips the ladder apart, and thankfully they blew their ladder budget tonight on the 100 million of them at ringside. Just in case. Show-Miz sadly ends for good as he throws a ladder at Miz to get rid of him. Cena tries a comeback and gets swatted off the apron, as my wife is offended. “Come on, Cena, you’re better than that! I bet he wins this, doesn’t he?” She must have watched before. Show goes under the ring and retrieves the giant ladder from 2010 as the announcers have apparently completely forgotten about the show I just watched two hours ago because this thing is totally new to them. Show makes the slow climb up his comically oversized ladder and is forced to fight off Kane, Cena and Jericho, but Y2J eventually brings him down with a chair. Didn’t they also do a gigantic chair prop at TLC a few years later, or am I imagining things? Cena and Jericho fight on top of the giant ladder and Jericho tries to bring him down with a sleeper, but Cena just powers him up. Jericho, however, is TENACIOUS and hangs on until finally Cena drops (drawing a big pop) , leading to a fight between Jericho and Miz while they both cling to the case. Show ends that argument by punching them both out, but Cena returns, pummels Show in the face with the case, and wins Money in the Bank at 20:00. The Cena-Face of course became a meme for a while, although of course the entire point of him winning here was to become the first person to cash in and lose (or at least “not win”). Kane pretty much disappeared after a certain point, but this had enough big spots and drama to remain entertaining all the way through. ****

The Pulse

This was a four match show, and three of them were damn good, so that’s a thumbs up from me.