The SmarK Rant for Smoky Mountain Wrestling–02.19.94

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The SmarK Rant for Smoky Mountain Wrestling – 02.19.94

Hey, something different for a Thursday. Even though this is being written on Wednesday. You know what I mean. Anyway, these are all over the 94 Observers, so we might as well cover what’s on the Network, since it’s a pretty limited selection for whatever reason. I mean, they own the entire collection and Cornette was obsessive about keeping his tapes, so why not just dump it all on there?

Taped from Jellico, TN

Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Dutch Mantell.

Dutch draws the name of Larry Santo from a hat, and he’s getting the title shot at Beat the Champ TV champion Robbie Eagle today.

Chris Candido introduces Mr. Santo, who has a great win-loss record here in SMW, and in fact Chris will mentor him to the title in 5 minutes backstage.

Well Dunn v. Anthony Michaels & Bobby Blaze

This is the debut of Well Dunn in the territory, as they were pretty much on loan from the WWF at this point for lack of anything better to do with them. Michaels quickly gets caught in the heel corner and Well hits him with a belly to belly, followed by a Dunn kneedrop. They work Michaels over in the corner some more and choke him out in various ways. Finally Blaze can take no more of this nefarious chicanery, and he charges in to take care of business, but that just allows Well Dunn to double-team Michaels with a running axehandle from Dunn that gets the pin at 3:22. Way to go, dumbass. Pretty dull squash from a pretty dull team. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, in Knoxville, Dirty White Boy wins the SMW title from Brian Lee in a chain match. Lee looks more like Michels Hayes than Undertaker at this point, with bleached blond hair. This is the usual deal where one guy follows behind the other, hitting the turnbuckles after him, and then Ron Wright comes in behind the ref’s back, loads up his boot, and knocks out Lee to give White Boy the title. Nothing to this one. 0 for 2.

Dirty White Boy is so disgusted with the actions of Tammy Fytch that he wants a MIXED TAG MATCH so that Dirty White Girl can get her hands on Tammy. They could put that on Facebook! But not in Canada.

Meanwhile, in Knoxville, Terry Funk faces the Bullet for the commissioner position in a Texas Death match, and we’re joined with chairs already piled in the ring. Funk tries a piledriver, but gets backdropped onto the chair pile, and then Bullet DDTs him for a fall. Funk is unable to get up, and thus Bob Armstrong is once again commissioner. Victory proves to be fleeting, as Jim Cornette and the Funk Brothers completely brutalize and brand him. Then Cornette demands that Bullet kiss his feet as per the stipulations of the match, but the babyfaces make the save. Good heat for this. 1 for 3.

Meanwhile, the promo-heavy episode continues with Bullet Bob throwing out the crooked members of the board of directors (like, literally), and then Cornette cuts a rebuttal promo from another dressing room. Dick Murdoch is coming to team with Cornette in a handicap match against Bullet Bob, and that’s the only way the match is going to happen.

Tracy Smothers has $2500 that says Robbie Eagle is going to retain the TV title tonight against Candido’s boy. Oh, great, now the smart money is coming in, the odds are going to swing again!

Down & Dirty with Dr. Dutch, as we take a look at the contract signing for the THRILLSEEKERS. We get a ridiculously overblown gathering of SMW officials (Tim Horner! Sandy Scott!) and Lance & Chris do an electrifying promo about how excited they are to be there. 1 for 4.

Tammy Fytch throws a huge tantrum about being forced to wrestle, and Brian Lee has to haul her off in tears.

Meanwhile, at a house show, The Rock N Rolls and Heavenly Bodies do a 60 minute draw in a 2/3 falls match, although we only get the last couple of minutes and it’s pretty hot stuff. 2 for 5.

The Heavenly Bodies are not scared of doing a 60 minute “marathon match” against the Rock N Rolls, since Jim Cornette was there taking notes when the RNR did all the 60 minute matches in the 80s, and he’s already determined that the final count will be 14 falls for the Bodies and 0 for the Rock N Rolls. Bold statement.

Beat the Champ TV title: Robbie Eagle v. Larry Santo

So Robbie is a god-awful jobber who fluked into the title last week over Candido, and went on to greater “fame” playing the Maestro in WCW, the character who was supposed to be Gorgeous George III before Randy Savage bought the rights to the name and gave them to his girlfriend. They trade hammerlocks and Eagle dodges a blind charge and gets an armbar, but Santo takes him down and goes to a chinlock. Santo pounds away in the corner and Eagle gets a rollup for two while he showboats, so Santo bails for some advice from Candido. Eagle tries a horrible sunset flip, but Santo grabs Candido’s hands, so Tracy Smothers kicks them free and Eagle gets the pin at 4:22 to retain. This was TERRIBLE. Eagle looked terrified to even take a bump out there. 2 for 6.

Chris Candido freaks out about losing $2500, but he wants another shot at Tracy Smothers to win it back. Tracy poses the question to him: How do you keep an idiot in suspense? Well, we’ll find out the answer next week.

Well shit, now I have to wait for the next show to discover the answer…oh, wait.

Anyway, this show sucked like that last joke from Smothers. Not one of the better efforts from the Smoky Mountain crew, unfortunately, and I’m not sure why they started with this one.