Repost: Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest!

Oh hey, apparently I reviewed the awful Coliseum video called “Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest” on WWE 24/7 when they were putting the Coliseum videos up on that service.  Since that’s the next one up on the Network, here’s my review because it sounds like I never want to watch this one again!

The SmarK 24/7 Rant for WWF’s Biggest, Smallest, Strangest, Strongest!

– Sadly, the original music from the “It began 3000 years ago…” introduction on these old Coliseum videos has been edited out and replaced with a generic piece of music.

– Hosted by Jesse Ventura.

THE BIGGEST!

– Andre The Giant v. Samu. Samu is introduced as “Samoan #3”, but Vince just calls him Samu. Nothing really shown here, as it’s just a quick clip of Andre overpowering him before we move on.

– Next up, clips of Bobo Brazil, Haystacks Calhoun, Ernie Ladd, Ivan Koloff, Gorilla Monsoon, and Blackjack Mulligan (back when he was a dead ringer for his son Barry Windham).

– Clips of Big John Studd v. Hulk Hogan, with an extreme rarity: Howard Finkel on color commentary! Talk about a guy who would be perfect for that type of job.

– We continue blowing through, moving onto Nikolai Volkoff finishing a jobber with his press into a backbreaker.

– King Kong Bundy beats on Tony Garea in a series of clips that go nowhere.

– Hillbilly Jim v. Rene Goulet is the next random series of clips. Of note: Goulet does a Flair Flip, long before the move became cliché. This segues into Jim’s introduction of Uncle Elmer on Piper’s Pit.

THE SMALLEST!

– Well of course we have to have some midgets. Really, it’s not bad enough being that small, but having to call yourself “Pancho Boy” can’t help but make things worse. Some controversy here in the form of Dana Carpenter, who is clearly a dwarf rather than a proper midget. Of note here: Tiger Jackson, who would go on to worldwide acclaim and respect as Dink the Clown. True story.

– The next little big focuses on Sky Low Low, although he does a quick job in his first featured match. With his bald head and black trunks, it’s blatantly obvious that Steve Austin was just a Sky Low Low ripoff. For some reason a tag match with Little Brutus and Sky Low Low gets more time than anything else thus far on the tape.

THE STRANGEST!

– First up, the Rugged Russians and their dancing manager. Nothing really shown outside of their intro and Jesse telling a story about them eating garlic and thus alienating the dressing room.

– The Canadian Wolfman and Pampero Firpo give us the feral quotient for the tape.

– Crazy Luke Graham and the Grand Wizard next. Funny line from the Wizard, as Vince McMahon accuses him of using foreign objects and Wizard notes that he doesn’t want to offend the AMA because he’s not a doctor, but Vince might want to have his eyes examined. Vince accuses him of planting a sign in the crowd, so Wizard accuses Vince of having his own “Commentator of the Year” award made at a local jewelry shop. And then he finishes by noting that it’s the booze in the fans that make the boos, because everyone not imbibing knows greatness. Oh, that’s great stuff, man.

– Quick clip of Mad Dog Vachon.

– Speaking of dogs, Lord Al Hayes tries to conduct High Tea with the British Bulldogs and Moondog Spot, but it of course turns into a debacle. As if Dynamite Kid was cultured enough to even drink tea.

– Onto Mil Mascaras, who wasn’t really strange or anything.

– Captain Lou Albano fits the bill more closely.

– Nikolai Volkoff singing the Russian national anthem apparently makes him strange, too.

– “The Stranger Side of Fashion” gives us Adrian Adonis (pre-Adorable), Iron Sheik, Brutus Beefcake, JYD, The Strongbows, Hulk Hogan, Roddy Piper, Jimmy Hart, Freddie Blassie, Cyndi Lauper, Greg Valentine, Bobby Heenan, Johnny V, Fabulous Moolah, the Moondogs, and of course Jesse Ventura. The annoying generic music here had to have replaced something else for copyright reasons, probably a fashion-related pop song.

– Bobby Heenan and his family give instructions on the finer art of hairstyling on TNT, as they dump hair products on some poor guy.

– Mad Maxine pops up here, a six-foot tall female wrestler with a green mohawk. She turned up on that Florida show from last week, too. Anyone know who she is or what happened to her?

– Onto the truly weird, with The Missing Link and George Steele getting some face time.

THE STRONGEST!

– Bruno is first up, beating up on Bepo The Mongol. This tape coming from 1985 and all means that no one mentions that Bepo is obviously the guy who became Nikolai Volkoff.

– And what would the strongest portion be without the Jesse Ventura v. Ivan Putski arm-wrestling match? Ventura, providing the intro voiceover, of course makes sure to call him “Ivan Paduski” to stay in character. The angle, which was invented just after the very first greco-roman wrestling match in 2000 BC, sees Putski just about to win, but Jesse attacks him.

– Iron Sheik demonstrates the Iranian clubs, his favorite bit.

– John Studd lifts weights for Vince and keeps asking for the tape to be sent to Hulk Hogan. Yeah, that doesn’t sound gay at all. Studd accuses Vince of messing up his spot, so he wants another chance. Man, I hate it when guys repeat spots. Well, at least if nothing else I got that joke in there. Weightlifting humor, this is what I’m reduced to tonight. I should have reviewed the Monday Night Wars instead.

– Tony Atlas and Ken Patera engage in a posedown, and then we get to Patera’s feats of strength: Driving a spike through a board with his bare hands, blowing up a hot water bottle until it pops, and bending steel bars. Assuming that they didn’t gimmick any of the items (and keep in mind the source here), this was some pretty impressive stuff. Then we go to TNT, with Patera holding back a van driven by Vince, using only his leg power. The bit with the van was swiped by Mark Henry a few years back.

– And that’s the tape. THANK GOD. Totally worthless, unless you want to see a few seconds of legends like Haystacks and others who you don’t get footage of these days. Don’t bother wasting time with this one.