The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–05.30.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.30.94

I feel like once we get through King of the Ring, things will pick up somewhat, because at least I know Bret Hart v. 1-2-3 Kid is coming soon.

Taped from Youngstown, OH

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage

King of the Ring Qualifier: Tatanka v. Crush

This was advertised as Jimmy Del Ray last week, but now it’s Crush basically just because. Tatanka has Jay Strongbow as his second, so he’s a shoo-in here. Use the great spirit of Don Corleone! Test of strength to start as Vince declares that Crush is attempting to do what NO ONE has done before – win the Kingship in the tournament and also win the tag titles in the same night! Considering last year was the first King of the Ring show in accepted WWF canon, that’s not exactly a meaningful goal. Crush gets a cheapshot on the floor to take over and pounds Tatanka in the corner, but he gets caught with a middle rope clothesline for two. The racial stereotypes on the floor threaten to get into a senior’s slapfight and we take a break. Back with Tatanka escaping a bearhug and making the comeback with the FLYING CHOP OF DOOM for two, and a neckbreaker gets two. More ridiculous “action” from the managers outside leads to a sort of brawl on the floor for the double countout at 11:08. So neither guy moves on, unless Jack Tunney should SHOCKINGLY make a ruling on this one. *

King of the Ring Report with Todd, who is just as disgusted as we are that we don’t know who the eighth guy in the tournament is gonna be. SOMEONE CALL JACK TUNNEY, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Vince and Macho discuss this hot-button issue, and Vince wants to go with some sort of complicated video-replay and points system scheme, while Macho just thinks they should wrestle again.

Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase hangs out at a funeral home and claims to have made contact with the Undertaker.

The 1-2-3 Kid v. George South

They’re just hauling out all the quality jobbers the past few weeks. We actually take a break before the commencement of this squash. Kid puts him down with kicks, survives the jobber offense, and finishes with a rolling cradle at 2:30.

The King’s Court with Bret Hart, as Jerry Lawler makes fun of his parents and then ambushes him by bringing out Shawn & Diesel. Bret gets powerbombed as a result.

The Smoking Gunns v. Reno Riggins & Austin Steele

Billy gets a crucifix on Riggins for two, but Bart misses an elbow and it’s over to Austin Steele. Billy comes in with a bulldog on Steele as we learn that Jack Tunney has MADE A DECISION. I’m literally on the edge of my seat. Gunns finish with the Sidewinder at 3:39.

Todd Pettingill finally has an update on the Jack Tunney situation, and the answer is that they’re gonna wrestle again, NEXT WEEK, in a lumberjack match. Apparently names like Nikolai Volkoff and IRS will be at ringside! I literally cannot wait.

Jeff Jarrett v. Chris Hamerick

Hamerick takes JJ down with an armbar, but Jarrett claims his hair was pulled and the ref believes him and forces a break. Really? I question the quality of the fake refereeing this week. Jarrett takes over with a cheapshot and gets a slingshot suplex while the announcers talk about auto racing. Hamerick comes back with a dropkick, but misses a charge by a mile and Jarrett finishes with the figure-four at 4:00 while the crowd chants “We Want Doink.” No, you really don’t.

Next week: Crush v. Tatanka in a lumberjack match! Hopefully they’ll deliver this match! Oh, also, Jerry Lawler basically promises that Roddy Piper will be on the show next week as his guest, and they definitely did not deliver on that.