The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–05.23.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.23.94

My Wii is getting a bit out of control now, as I picked up a pair of classic controllers to play Mario 64, and then got Super Mario Sunshine on GameCube again before realizing that you need an actual GC controller to play THAT. Ever try to find one of those things at a reasonable price? Ugh. Why doesn’t Nintendo just MAKE some more? (Well, they kinda did later on for the Smash Bros fanatics, at least.)  They make the Wii backwards compatible but don’t actually give a shit about supporting it or making it easy. So just to recap now, for my one, third-most-used system, I have Wiimotes (and nunchuks), 2 classic controllers, 2 SNES-shaped classic controllers for the Mario games on the Virtual console, and now a generic wireless GC controller for my GC games. Some of these are compatible with each other in certain circumstances and with certain games, most are not. (And that was BEFORE I got a Wii U in addition!  I haven’t picked up a Switch yet, though, even though I’m dying to play Super Mario Odyssey.)  For my PS3, which also boasts a large library of downloaded vintage games on the PSN, I have ONE (1) controller that does everything because they didn’t completely redesign the fucking thing with every new generation since it worked the first time. Point to Sony.  (Yeah, well, minus several hundred for taking away all the backwards compatibility for the PS4.  Regardless, I’m all about my Raspberry Pi for retro gaming these days anyway and didn’t even bother trying to get an SNES Classic.  Oh yeah, wrestling…) 

Anyway, we are finally at the start of a new taping cycle, and Earthquake has been written out by Yokozuna’s ass. Last week’s show might have been the bottom of the barrel, but I don’t want to speak too soon because shit like Fake Undertaker is still coming.

LIVE from the Struthers Fieldhouse in Youngstown, OH! Where the FUCK is that? What does that hold, like 1000 people? A quick check reveals that in fact this was a sellout of 1500. That wouldn’t even make back broadcast costs!

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Owen Hart v. Doink the Clown

Owen attacks to start and chokes away on the ropes as I marvel at how this is an arena that TNA would be embarrassed to be filming in. Owen counters a headlock with a backdrop suplex and drops a flying elbow for two. Owen bails for some shenanigans with the midget, but he trips up Doink and goes to the leg as we take a break. Back with Owen hitting a leg lariat for two and going to the chinlock. Owen with a camel clutch, which Vince calls a “bow and arrow” before correcting himself to “Boston crab”. How do you get that wrong? Even Randy Savage is speechless. They clothesline each other and Doink comes back with a belly to belly for two and hammers away in the corner. However, this brings out JJ to run distraction, and Owen gets the rollup for the pin at 12:34. They were doing distraction finishes on RAW 20 years ago! **1/4

King of the Ring Report with Todd. The bracket continues slowly taking shape, and it’s Lawler v. Piper in the Battle of Century! Because their ages add up to 100 years.

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese v. Barry Horowitz

David Sahadi actually gets a shoutout from Vince here after the “Unbelievable” TV spot with the douche who gets beat up by Razor Ramon (Remember “He ain’t so tough.”?). Duke throws Barry around, but gets caught with an axehandle off the top and Horowitz works on the arm. Duke comes back with a spinebuster and drops an elbow to finish at 2:51. Mike Droese was an OK worker, but this gimmick was such a dog.

IRS v. Gary Sabaugh

It’s the Italian Stallion! I never even knew he did shots with the WWF. Irwin drops elbows and goes to a chinlock, and then switches to a hammerlock to really ramp up the excitement. Sabaugh mounts a brief comeback, but IRS puts him away with the lariat at 4:15.

The King’s Court with Lex Luger, and boy howdy does he have problems with that Crush guy, mostly since Mr. Perfect gave notice and thus no longer exists. Crush comes out to defend himself, but Luger chases him off with Lawler’s throne, as assuredly they’ll partake in fisticuffs at the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, coming to an arena near you!

Nikolai Volkoff v. MATT HARDY

OH SHIT! Hardy looks like he’s 16 here (although he’s the same age as me so that would make him 19 here) with a crew cut and dorky green tights. What’s with the “HV” on his ass, though? Volkoff throws him around with a butterfly suplex and slams him out of the corner before finishing with a terrible Boston Crab at 2:34. Who seriously thought that Volkoff could draw any money in 1994?

Next week: Tatanka v. Jimmy Del Rey in a King of the Ring Qualifier! Set your DVR right now!