The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–05.16.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 05.16.94

So we’re at week three of a taping cycle of 1994 mid-year RAW while Vince is distracted by the steroid trials. And the main event is a sumo match. There are few situations that create worse TV than that.

Taped from Burlington, VT.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage.

King of the Ring Qualifier: Bam Bam Bigelow v. Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him Sparky)

Bigelow shoves him to the floor immediately, but Plugg dropkicks him out in return. Back in, Plugg charges (ahem) and gets caught in a powerslam for two. They slug it out in the corner and Sparky shows some fire, but Bigelow elbows him down. Blind charge misses and Plugg fights back again, but Bigelow puts him down with the enzuigiri for two. Bigelow with a headbutt for two. He slowly pounds away while Vince continues making bad racecar puns. They’re only witty when I’m doing them! Plugg comes back with a flying bodypress for two while Savage finally calls out Vince’s faulty counting. Small package gets two. Luna trips him up, however, and Bigelow extinguishes Sparky with the slingshot splash at 6:29. Not much going on here. **

King of the Ring Report with Todd Pettingill, as we’re all anxiously awaiting Jerry Lawler v. Roddy Piper, which was actually set up by Lawler insulting sick children at a hospital. I’m still waiting on Brock to F5 a Make-A-Wish kid to set up his rematch with John Cena.

Diesel v. Mike Moraldo

Big Kev tosses the poor guy out of the ring by the throat and puts him down with a big boot. Sideslam, Snake Eyes, Poochiebomb at 3:00.

Meanwhile, more shaky testimony about people seeing the Undertaker.

The King’s Court with Ted Dibiase and Nikolai Volkoff, as Volkoff is broke and now works for Dibiase. What a stupid storyline this was. And it didn’t even lead to anything! So Dibiase makes him put on new trunks that say “Property of the Million Dollar Man” on his ass, and there’s a thread that no one wants to pick at. Why would they even bother giving 48 year old Volkoff TV time at this point? Of note on commentary, Vince talks about Volkoff’s power-lifting career, and compares it to then-current American sensation Mark Henry.

Owen Hart v. Tony Roy

Owen gets a fistdrop off the middle rope and gutwrench suplex, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 2:18. Of note: Randy Savage reading promo copy while the camera angle reveals that they’re not even at ringside for the match!

Meanwhile, Duke Droese is literally sleeping in a dumpster. Jesus, and they wondered why this goof didn’t get over?

Sumo Match: Yokozuna v. Earthquake

A sign hanging on the balcony reads “Owen Won’t Fall”. Boy, that was an unfortunate choice of words. We get endless stalling as they keep prepping the ceremonial salt, before finally locking up and fighting near the apron. We get some extended hugging and Quake finally shoves him out at 6:00. So that was about as terrible as anticipated.

Next week: Owen Hart v. Earthquake in the King of the Ring Qualifier! Uh, I don’t actually remember that match happening, so I’m thinking this week was it for Earthquake’s WWF run.