Starting with this show, CZW would begin filming interviews for the start of the DVD so newcomers would know who people were and why they were feuding. This was a great idea as the wrestlers got the chance to talk on a clear mic rather than the over-bassed arena one. Highlights:
- BLK OUT call DJ Hyde a fat ass who runs around wearing a trash liner.
- Mike Quackenbush promises to take the CZW Jr. Heavyweight Title to Germany to defend it.
- Franky The Mobster calls everyone a cunt.
Show starts on a surreal note as Zandig introduces Leonard F. Chikarason (Chikara), PCP Manny (IWS) and Ian Rotten (IWA-MS) to announce a series of double headers taking place at the arena. (The IWS show was meh, haven’t seen the Chikara one but the IWA-MS Something To Prove was the show with Necro vs. Joe which is at least *****.) Zandig tries to be enthusiastic but I think a small part of him was dying on the inside as he only liked the CZW style wrestling and hated ”the closet ant-fuckers” of Chikara.
Beef Wellington vs. Derek Frazier vs. Niles Young vs. Spyral
Young was still learning, Frazier stayed at the same level for the rest of his CZW tenure, Beef was intentionally funny and Spyral was unintentionally funny. Spyral busts out a wacky Sunset Flip Powerbomb without hurting someone and Beef locks everyone in a Boston Crab. Frazier blocks the Ass Punch with a spinning kick that was so far off the target that the Ass Punch looked realistic. Spyral and Niles start bickering which ends with Niles tying up Spyral in the ropes and diving over him to take out the guys outside. More dives and kicks, crowd doesn’t care. Spyral connects with his 450 Elbow and Beef lands the Ass Punch on Niles Young. It has no effect because he’s wearing a steel pad like in Back To The Future Part Three, which is a nice spot but is simply a throwaway bit here as Spyral kicks people in the head immediately afterwards. Frazier double-stomps Young (which pops the crowd as it looked nasty) but Beef finishes Spyral with a Double Underhook Piledriver.
Winner: Beef Wellington (Four guys doing spots with no rhyme or reason trying to kick-start the crowd’s black heart. All CZW opening matches during this era were skippable.)
DJ Hyde & Jon Dahmer vs. BLK OUT
Robbie Mireno brags about his tough upbringing in the suburbs as the crowd remind him he’s not black. ”I’m not white, I’m tanned!” Kingston and Sabian are representing BLK OUT tonight as Mireno sneak attacks Dahmer with a chair before the match starts. DJ Hyde goes it by himself which is OK for THE MONSTERDON DJ Hyde. Hyde’s character is a rookie monster and not much else so the Philly crowd chant for BLK OUT as Sabian puts him in a Venus Flytrap leg lock. Kingston double-stomps Hyde as some of the crowd finally chant for Dahmer. Kingston cuts off a tag and Sabian lands the ridiculous Booty Drop.
Sabian argues with the ref and Hyde finally makes a comeback and makes the hot tag to the pleather-without-a-case Dahmer. Spinebusters for all of BLK OUT but he can’t combat the double teams. Kingston and Sabian manage a Gory Guerreo Special into a Codebreaker but it’s not 90% clean so crowd boos because they’re judging the moves like they’re Olympic swimming judges. Dahmer drops Sabian with his spike backdrop which looks great as Sabian’s the same size as a G.I. Joe action figure. Kingston hams it up by holding onto the ropes during a Sunset Flip attempt but the ref counts to five and kicks his hands away and that’s enough for a pin.
Winners: Jon Dahmer & DJ Hyde (Dahmer and Hyde may have won but this was all about the wonderful cheese dick-flavoured heels of BLK OUT getting a rise out of the godless fans. Kingston appeared to be having the time of his life making the fans ready to fight him. This did nothing for Dahmer & Hyde but Dahmer would be gone soon and Hyde would buy the company so no biggie)
Franky The Mobster vs. Adam Flash (CZW Iron Man Title)
Franky won the title in his debut last month and Flash beat Kaos to earn this shot. Franky steals a fans’s hat.
Flash complains about a hair-pull as the commentators explain Flash has been here a while and it’s do-or-die time for him in 2005. No kidding. Both men have similar offence so the match is kept simple with backdrops and Manhattan Drops but that’s not necessarily a bad thing on a show like this with topes coming out the arse. Flash fakes a dive to trick FTM into getting a dropkick as the crowd is even quieter than the first match. FTM gets a sloppy gorilla press slam and the crowd boos him which appears to fluster FTM. He delivers multiple clotheslines while holding Flash’s arm as the crowd chants shit at Flash’s manager Dewey Donovan. FTM tries to pin Flash with his crotch and even that gets nothing. ”Boring” chant kicks in as Flash gets a series of roll-ups. The commentators are selling this as Flash’s last chance at a major title but no-one cares if he lives or dies. FTM sends Flash outside and goes to dive but changes his mind and takes out Dewey for no logical reason other than to get the crowd to react. Flash follows with a dive of his own but gets crotched entering the ring and Test’s Pump Handle Slam looks like the end but sadly Flash kicks out to no reaction. Dewey gets the pop of the match by jumping off the top rope for a leg drop by jumping off, landing on his feet and then landing a leg drop. Flash isn’t impressed but he gets distracted and falls pray to the Credibility Statement.
Winner: Franky The Mobster (There was nothing here. No enthusiasm, no chemistry, no match narrative, no crowd investment, nothing. And I like Franky.)
The Kings Of Wrestling vs. B-Boy & Mystery Partner
Hero isn’t fazed by B-Boy because he’s beaten him ”six hundred times” already, he just hopes B-Boy’s partner is Virgil. That was a joke in 2005 but a threat in 2017. It’s everyone’s favourite skinny Gallagher lookalike, Nate Webb. Hero and Claudio attack them both before Teenage Dirtbag can finish, drawing major boos. Hero and Claudio accidentally lock in cravats on one another thanks to Webb’s ability to dodge out the way by pressing R1 at the right time. Hero takes a breather then dismantles Webb with a Northern Lights Suplex sequence until Webb’s able to stand on Hero’s shoulders and give him a Frankensteiner. Webb was a bit of a freak in the ring when he needed to be. Claudio rolls out of the way of B-Boy’s offence but panics when he realises that puts him in the Shining Wizard position so he tags in Hero, who is pissed at having to wrestle him again. Hero stalls and stalls and stalls until and goes ”fuck it” and tags back in Claudio. As soon as Webb gets in the match, Hero tags in and The Kings land a nifty Irish Whip-elbow combo. Hero & Claudio make regular tags as they wear down the tiny terror, avoiding his trash bag-wrapped leg kicks. There’s some loud anti-Hero females who keep chanting ”YOU AIN’T SHIT”, Claudio responds with ”I AM SHIT, I AM SHIT.” Hero continues to pound Webb with wacky offence, I’m fairly sure he was using whatever he saw on whatever episode of World Of Sport he last viewed. Limp dives, cravat teases, it’s all there. Claudio locks in a Full Nelson and swings Webb around. That’s a Ken Patera special, don’t tell me Hero’s been studying WOS and Claudio’s been watching All American Wrestling? Webb eventually manages to take out both superheroes with a double DDT and makes the hot (mild anywhere else but hot here) tag. B-Boy helps Webb moonsault to the outside and destroys Hero with a face-lift in the corner. Claudio interrupts the pin-fall which lets Hero powerbomb B-Boy and try a cravat but Webb interrupts. Webb drops Hero with a weird spinning DDT thing but Claudio sticks his oar in so they plant him with a backdrop into an uppercut but Webb makes the ropes. Hero orders Claudio to powerbomb Webb but Webb sends him outside with a Frankensteiner instead. B-Boy no-sells Hero’s offence because he’s mad and nails him with a criss-cross piledriver and connects with the Shining Wizard for the win.
Winners: B-Boy & Nate Webb (Hero & Claudio were so much more entertaining than the rest of the show that I’m glad they ended up doing their silly bugger act in companies that appreciated them. Webb kept up well and the fans adored him which helped.)
Speaking of entertaining, Webb introduces a new version of B-Boy’s theme to him, one that cuts into The Power by Snap. B-Boy dances and feels shame but he’s happy he won.
Mike Quackenbush vs. Emil Sitoci (CZW Junior Heavyweight Title)
Emil’s still going strong in wXw in 2017, putting on more muscle but looking the same age. Healthy eating works, why did no-one tell me? Hero’s on commentary, taking credit for training Emil and describing Quack as ”a big dork”. Emil locks in an armbar but Quack escapes because he’s Quack. They go hold-for-hold for a while which ends with Quack locking Emil in the ”Ken Joyce version of Near Belina” (I think) meaning this:
Hero goes into detail about how Ken Joyce trained Johnny Saint and I had no idea Hero had soaked up this much info during his trips overseas. Quack unlocks Emil so Emil takes him down with a leg-lock until Quack gets the ropes. Hero is asked what advice he’d give Emil for wrestling Quack: ”Drop him on his head.” Emil sails off the top with an armdrag and sends Quack out the ring via pop-up Frankensteiner. Hero puts over Emil’s abs but it doesn’t help Emil as Quack nails the same armdrag and gets two via Skyade Schoolboy. Spinning Frankensteiner out of the corner sends Emil out so Quack follows with a tope. Quack lies on Emil before slapping hands with fans and Emil’s stomach. Quack tilt-a-whirls Emil into a backbreaker, holds on and lands a stomach breaker. Quack is a machine, except he’s trying to work over Emil’s abs which is like trying to work over a Samoan’s head. Quack locks in a kneeling, single-leg Gory Special variant (thank fuck for Hero, I’d have fast-forwarded and typed ”they did moves.”) Emil counters the Tombstone That Made Arsenal Blog to send Quack outside and follows with an Asai Moonsault. Divorce Court sets up a series of armbars as Hero describes Quack’s main weakness as being a mark for himself and all the moves he knows. Gargiulo takes issues with the term ”mark” being used so Hero asks who distributes these tapes? Smart something video? Gargiulo shuts up. Stump Puller by Emil as Hero criticises them for showing off moves rather than sticking with one body-part and fuck me blind, Hero is making this match. Quack evades Emil’s holds to nail the SHOTEI palm-strike which Hero puts over like a Canadian Destroyer. Both men recover at the same time but Quack wins by nailing consecutive chops and the shotgun dropkick in the corner. Quack smashes Emil’s abs with a vicious double-stomp. Quack isn’t a small skinny guy so that was fucking horrid to watch. Emil is 200% abs so he seems fine and recovers enough to lock in a Boston Crab as Hero rails him for switching body parts yet again. Quack avoids the moonsault press by walking away like Samoa Joe and gets a close two from a (something Spanish) crucifix slam. Emil lands the Snapmare Driver but Quack kicks out to Hero’s disbelief. Emil tries again but Quack dumps him on his head on a reverse Brainbuster and kills Emil with the QD2.
Winner and still CZW Junior Heavyweight Champion: Mike Quackenbush (The match by itself was merely fine but with Chris Hero listing every hold and move while crapping over hated rival Quack in a constructive way was a highlight of the show. Get him commentating every match, Hero is carrying this show and this review.)
Post-match Hero continues to assault Quack by saying ”oh wow Quack’s gonna grab his opponent up and tells him he respects him. You’ll never see me doing that, it’s gay.”
The H8 Club vs. 2 Tuff Tony & Mad Man Pondo (CZW Tag Team Titles)
Justice Pain talks on the mic while trying to conceal his priapism. He’d always big himself up like he was king of the world which would be his eventual downfall. Their opponents are BJW representatives Baka Gaijin so the match immediately goes outside and into chairs. Pondo takes Pain into the ring so he can twat him with his stop-sign which is Pondo’s main move. Tony and Gage slug it out until Tony realises he’s the designated wrestler of the team so plants Gage with a Tornado DDT. Pain takes him out from behind with a chopblock and this turns into a normal tag match. Tony sandbags Pain on a suplex so Pain tries again, gets the same response so he drops him on his head. Ooof. Flapjack as the crowd seem bemused by Gaijin attempting to wrestle a normal match. Tony and Gage kind of manage a Backdrop Driver counter sequence which allows Tony to get the hot tag to Pondo. Tony lands the elevated senton off the top onto Gage so Pondo can get the PLUNDER. Pondo tries to superplex Gage and it becomes obvious no-one’s communicating as Pain stops the move three times and Tony awkwardly hits him away before standing around looking like Scott The Engineer. Pain twats Tony with a chair so he can try to superplex Pondo but Tony stops him again and so Pain falls off and oh my god is this awkward. Pondo eventually takes a sloppy belly-to-belly, barely grazing the set-up chair to the crowd’s disapproval. The H8 Club have enough of this shit, Gage delivers the Chokenbreaker to Tony and brutally back suplexes Pondo directly onto his head. Gage gives Pondo a Piledriver through a table at ringside that can only be described in GIF-form.
Pain then drops Tony on his head with a Pain Thriller to put this match out of it’s misery.
Winners and still CZW Tag Champs: The H8 Club (This was a disaster before the match even started as Gaijin are death match guys, H8 Club Ver 3.0 are hard-hitters with a pinch of brawling so the only way this would have worked is if they stuck to one style of match but instead they tried to do a bit of everything. No sane individual wants to watch 2 Tuff Tony do anything other than land on pointy things. The only promised brutality came unintentionally with Gage doing his best to concuss Pondo when he got frustrated with him at the end. I’m a CZW apologist but this was the worst of everything and I have no idea why they thought this would work.)
Sexxxy Eddy vs. The Arsenal
Eddy was on a career high after the arm-spurting incident from TOD 3, which opened the gates for IWS guys (including Steen & Generico) to wrestle in Philly. I love that Tournament Of Death of all things was responsible for their big break. Arsenal was Eddy’s opponent in that match and the story is he’s pissed at Eddy getting all the attention. Both men are competent with the light heavyweight big bumping style and that kills a few minutes until chairs get brought in. Arsenal does a Three Amigos-style sequence with neckbreakers and ends with a criss-cross armbreaker, deliberately avoiding the chairs and grinning like a divvy. He kicks a chair away and drops Eddy with an Exploder Suplex. Arsenal knee-drops Eddy as his neck is set-up on a chair as he’s fully committed to pissing off the crowd and they’re committed to booing him. Eddy recovers from near-death and gets his own Three Amigos-style sequence of suplexes, dropping Arsenal on a pile of chairs each time. Eddy nails a Waterwheel Suplex on the chairs and you’d think Arsenal was a small child the way he bounces off the fuckers. I’m amazed someone with that skinny a frame could take such bumps. Arsenal halts Eddy on the top rope and gets some serious air with a spinning Ace Crusher that destroys chairs.
Arsenal makes the mistake of going for the same move again so Eddy gives him a backbreaker off the top like Dean Malenko and as Arsenal attempts to roll away but Eddy runs to the other corner and hits Total Sexcity for the pin.
Winner: Sexxxy Eddy (This was like Angle vs. Benoit following Steiner vs. HHH. Both men worked to their strengths of taking ridiculous moves and flying around but differently to the other light heavyweight matches so it stuck out as something different. This was tremendous and the crowd gave both men a standing ovation afterwards.)
Ruckus vs. Sonjay Dutt (CZW World Title)
Dutt has been arguably Ruckus’ biggest rival since 2002 and he feels he deserves a title shot since he beat Ruckus for the Jr. Heavyweight Title at COD V. Ruckus remembers the feud being him pinning Dutt in every other match apart from that one. Ruckus complains about his bad back from carrying Dutt all those years and IT’S ON. This storyline driven title match is a welcome change from ”this is your title match, deal with it” CZW usually puts out. Dutt and Ruckus feel each other out and front-flip at the same time to show they’re on the same level. Dutt was the man in CZW and would be the guy I’d point at when people would say the company was nothing but death matches and Justice Pain erections. More feeling out sequences but Ruckus disrespects his opponent by turning his back on him so Dutt grabs him from behind and continues sequencing moves, culminating in the mega-spinning-fucking-tilt-a-whirl-armdrag.
Ruckus tries to leave the match with BLK OUT but Dutt knocks them all down with a tope suicida. Dutt drags Ruckus around bouncing him off things until Kingston trips him so Ruckus can dunk him with the Cobra Clutch neckbreaker for two. Ruckus has changed his style since joining BLK OUT where he’s still landing his cool flips but is also hamming it up as a HHH-style leader who enjoys cheating, such as distracting the ref so Sabian can choke Dutt at ringside. Standing Stardust Press gets two and THAT is impressive but Ruckus is only doing these moves so he can win the match, that’s why he was better in this role than you’d think if you saw ”World Champ Ruckus” in 2005. He spends too long on the top rope so Dutt knocks him off the top and stomps him for two. Dutt destroys Ruckus by knocking him off the top and he takes every bump on the way down and gets two off an Arabian Moonsault, but sadly the fans are distracted by something happening in the crowd to give it the love it needed. Ruckus blocks a Dragon Rana and turns it into a Running Powerbomb into the corner. It gets two to Ruckus’ chagrin but he hits the Razzle Dazzle. Fameasser misses so Dutt gets a desperate top-rope facebuster. Quebrada moonsault gets two and the crowd aren’t reacting much for Dutt. I think they’re too distracted with their in-jokes and don’t think Dutt has a chance of winning. Dutt blocks The Chronic and tries to do a Rock-tribute after a spinebuster but crowd doesn’t bite on it so he settles for a Tornado DDT instead. Ruckus goes to end the match with a Falcon Arrow (the same move that started their rivalry) but Dutt counters to Indian Summer and a Hindu Press and victory looks assured but Robbie Mireno grabs the ref out at 2 1/2. Sabian hits a Superkick (to the mid-section) to let Ruckus end the match following a Black Out head-drop.
Winner and still CZW World Champ: Ruckus (If this has been in front of any other crowd at any other time other than immediately after Ruckus’ title win, this could have been something special given their history. Instead we got a match that helped Ruckus and BLK OUT but did little for Dutt despite the fancy athleticism because the crowd didn’t give a shit. Sometimes the Arena fans didn’t deserve good things.)
Dutt is mad with Sabian and challenges ”Gary Coleman” to a match next month.
Toby Klein vs. Necro Butcher (Anything Goes)
Necro is crazy over and starts the match by bashing a chair over his own head and demanding Klein start the match in the crowd. The fans are in awe of Necro, he has the same aura Nick Gage has post-prison. Butcher gets a near-fall from a chair-assisted scoop slam on the concrete. Thankfully the SMV camera crew are experienced enough to follow these two as they scare fans and destroy a wall. They brawl on the bleachers, they brawl in the crowds, they brawl in the beaches, they brawl in the landing grounds, neither surrender. Necro drops Klein on his head after a backdrop suplex on the floor. Klein tries to stand up but Necro keeps knocking him down with his head like JYD. Butcher splats Klein with a Tiger Driver on the fucking concrete for two as the crowd adulates. They finally brawl on the inside of the outside and Klein spazzes out after a suplex on the ring steps. Klein has enough and scoop slams Necro on a plethora of chairs. Necro is quick to recover and punches Klein in the face until he drops. That doesn’t sound like much but Necro’s punches were the equivalent to Lawler’s by the standards of the company. Both men fight on the top rope as my bollocks tense and Klein murders Butcher with a Sunset Flip off the top to the outside for the unexpected pin.
Winner: Toby Klein (Very strong Bumfight with both men doing their best to almost-literally beat the shit out of each other. Toby winning was a weird choice as he was firmly the Blackman in this Shamrock feud but it’d make sense soon.)
Post-match The H8 Club show up and attack both men, attempting to light Butcher on fire until Zandig makes the save and starts the Ultraviolent Underground after-show. Which isn’t on this DVD so that’s the end.
Overall: I don’t think I bitched about this enough but the crowd sitting on their hands hurt a lot of this. No idea how CZW drew such consistent numbers with such a wretched hive of scum and villainy that were happy to be sad for a few hours. Crowd reaction is important to me enjoying a match so maybe I’m fighting an uphill battle here by watching these but Quackenbush, Hero, Claudio, Kingston, Eddy and Necro all cheered me up.
I know it’s been a while since the last CZW review but indie shows always take forever to type out and this fucker’s currently sitting at 3,844 words so enough already, buh-bye.