The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–04.18.94

The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 04.19.94

Taped from Utica, NY

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage. Two weeks in a row?

Man, if you thought today’s product was a dead zone between Wrestlemania and Summerslam, it’s got NOTHING on the product 10 years ago.

Bret Hart v. Kwang

Although this is non-title and Kwang is not even in contention, Vince notes that a win over the champion will katapult him into the rankings. That’s a unique way to frame a glorified squash. Kwang attacks and uses MARTIAL ARTS to subdue the Hitman, but Bret works on the arm. Vince notes that Bret perhaps has underestimated the skills of Kwang. I somehow don’t even think it’s possible to undersell how little of a koncern he was. I think Barry Horowitz was a scarier threat at this point. They brawl outside and we take a break, returning with Kwang in kontrol. Bret comes back with a bodypress, but Kwang chokes him out on the ropes. And now, the most devastating of martial arts moves, the VULCAN NERVE PINCH, but luckily Bret fights it off and makes the komeback. FIVE MOVES OF DOOM while Owen Hart does a phone interview to milk his win over Bret, and the Sharpshooter finishes at 11:00. I guess Kwang’s martial arts just weren’t deadly enough this week. **

Meanwhile, Doink does charity work. As if those poor people didn’t have it tough enough.

Jeff Jarrett v. PJ Walker

We get our first PJ sighting in a while, shortly before his repackaging I believe, as Vince hammers home what a loser that JJ is because he can’t get a record deal in Nashville. Can you imagine them running that storyline today? They’d go out and buy some minor record label just to do a “Did You Know” bit and inflate some division of the company on the next conference call. PJ is all fired up, but JJ comes back with a devastating abdominal stretch while the announcers play “what’s in the news this week?”. Holy god JJ was insufferably dull before he found happiness with the Roadie. Walker with a small package, but Jarrett hits him with a slingshot suplex and flying fistdrop before finishing with a DDT at 3:53. Two future World champions, ladies and gentlemen.

Next week, Lou Albano wants an answer from Jack Tunney on the tag title shot!

The Steiner Brothers v. Barry Hardy & Mike Khoury

Things were getting a tad frosty between the Steiners and Vince at this point, so it’s kind of surprising they’re even on TV here considering what a huge “fuck off and die” that getting left off Wrestlemania was. Scott beats on Khoury and hits a dragon suplex, and then brings Hardy in and appears to take some liberties with him. Scott hangs him in the Tree of Woe and chokes him out while Vince teases a heel turn for Scott that went nowhere. Over to Rick, who continues bullying the poor guy with crossfaces and a superplex that was more just tossing him off. Scott comes in with a samoan drop off the middle, and then he powerbombs Khoury and finishes with the SCREWDRIVER at 5:11. Who shit in their cornflakes this week? Oh no, we’re getting paid more than everyone else in the tag division but Vince won’t let us work Japan whenever we want, boo fucking hoo.

Duke “The Dumpster” Droese is on his way. He only takes garbage from people because he WANTS to! Have I mentioned lately how terrible this era was? I had one of those giant C-band satellite dishes that I got around King of the Ring, and I chose to watch SMW and ECW instead of this crap most of the time in 94.

The King’s Court with Alundra Blayze, as she derides the segment as a ripoff of Piper’s Pit, which began a godawful feud between Lawler and Piper that paid off at King of the Ring. Lawler points out that Blayze is missing her title belt, and brings out Luna with insinuations that she stole it. I…don’t recall that going anywhere, actually. I remember the feuds with Bull Nakano and Bertha Faye, but I don’t remember Luna ever getting a title shot.

Earthquake v. Mike Bell

Quake overpowers Bell and THROWS A DROPKICK, knocking Bell right out of the ring. Legdrop and he headbutts Bell down a few times as Vince is SALIVATING over a match between Earthquake and Yokozuna. Yeah, that’s coming up too, just accept it. Powerslam and butt splash finish at 3:54.

Earlier this week, IRS launches a heinous attack on Tatanka and rips his headdress up over Taxgate.

IRS v. Major Yates

Apparently we’re all too stupid to file our taxes before the deadline. Hey, I do mine in March because I typically get a big refund, so I must not be stupid at least. Now, was Major Yates named that by his parents in hopes of a military career, and if so why not just name him General Yates and really go for it? Irwin with the abdominal stretch and a butterfly suplex into a legdrop, and finishes with an STF at 3:32.

Meanwhile, Johnny Polo isn’t particularly worried about the Headshrinkers, although he’s acting pretty worried, as this program really heats up.

Next week: Razor Ramon v. Jeff Jarrett and another shitload of squashes!