The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2005

The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2005

The SmarK Rant for WWE Survivor Series 2005

Someone on Twitter asked…

“how come when I google “survivor series 2005 scott keith” I get no results for that show?”

Well, let’s remedy that.

This is (I think) the only gap in my 2005 collection, although I have no earthly idea what the main event for this show was or who was even on it, because I’ve never seen it. So this should be interesting! The description on the Network says “Brand supremacy will be decided when Team RAW takes on Team Smackdown”, so…that narrows it down.

They’ve seriously been trying to get “brand supremacy” over as a catchphrase for that long?

Live from Detroit, MI, and we’re TV-14! It really trips me out now to see these PPVs from what we consider the modern era, but which aren’t in HD yet.

Your hosts are Joey Styles/Jerry Lawler/Coach on one side, and Michael Cole/Tazz on the other.

US title Best of 7 series, match #1: Booker T v. Chris Benoit

Your music recycling of the month: Sharmell uses the music that would eventually become the Bella Twins’. This was apparently set up by a superplex and double cradle, with two referees counting the pin on different shoulders at the same time, because ALL REFEREES ARE MORONS. They tried to recreate the magic of the WCW version of the best-of-seven gimmick and could never pull it off properly. Booker powers him over into a slam, but Benoit dumps him. Tazz actually brings up the WCW series between them, and Cole immediately dismisses him: “This is about so much more. This is about a CHAMPIONSHIP.” Yeah, a championship they also appropriated from WCW. Also, that series was about a championship, it was about the TV title. Benoit wins a battle for a suplex and elbows him down for two, but misses a blind charge and Booker gets a sideslam for two. The crowd chants for Benoit, the fucking SICKOS. Bad enough that people from Detroit cheer for the Red Wings, but you also apparently cheer for murderers? Booker goes to an abdominal stretch and Benoit fights free, so Booker puts him down with a spinkick for two. They do some kind of a wacky cradle out of the corner and Booker gets two, then follows with a neckbreaker for two. Booker with the chinlock while Cole praises the great job of “creating separation” that Booker is doing tonight. First of all, he’s literally sitting next to him and touching his body, there’s no separation there. Second, WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? Benoit comes back with a german suplex, but Booker cuts him off again with a kick and gets two. Benoit finally makes the comeback with a legwhip, but Booker cradles him for two. Benoit comes back with chops and an elbow for two, and Cole notes that “this Is where Benoit gets scary.” He doesn’t know the HALF of it. Benoit gets the rolling germans and goes up, but Sharmell distracts him and he misses the diving headbutt. Booker rolls him up for the pin with his feet on the ropes at 14:42 to take the 1-0 lead. Crowd was pretty hot for this, but Booker was looking bloated and lazy. Still ended up pretty good. ***1/4 At the same time, Booker started to realize that becoming a complete clown would get him over, so good on him for figuring it out.

Meanwhile, Eric Bischoff promises Vince McMahon that he’s going to wipe the mat with Teddy Long tonight and RAW will decimate Smackdown. Also, he’s going to screw John Cena tonight, just like Vince did to Bret Hart. Cena comes in and clarifies that “Bischoff screws guys”. And then Vince greets him with “What’s up, my nigga?” and proudly walks away while Booker stands there. OK, so…that happened.

WWE Women’s title: Trish Stratus v. Melina

This was set up by MNM kidnapping Trish and apparently torturing her, so this is an inter-brand title match. Trish hits MNM with a dive to the floor right away and takes Melina down with a headscissors, but Melina slugs her down in the corner and chokes her out on the ropes to take over. Mickie James is hanging out at ringside in support of Trish, and uh…wow, tube top and pigtails is a damn fine look for her. Mickie brawls with Melina outside and MNM (still hanging the belts on their pants) try to hit Trish with a Snapshot, but the ref throws them out of the match. Uh, they picked her up and tried to hit their finisher, I’d think that would warrant a DQ. Melina goes to a surfboard and faceplants her for two, but Trish makes the comeback with a spinebuster for two. Melina dumps Trish to the apron to block the bulldog, so Trish hits her with a kick and goes up with a bulldog from the top for the pin at 5:48. Melina showed a lot of potential here, and a lot of boob, so it was a good match that didn’t overstay its welcome. Like seriously, Kevin Dunn picked a ton of shots where the camera was shooting right down her top. No wonder this show was TV-14. **1/2

Last Man Standing: HHH v. Ric Flair

Flair is the IC champion, but it’s not for the title, because that would imply HHH wants the IC title. Which he so does not. HHH attacks before Flair can even get his robe off and stomps him out of the ring. Flair finds a kendo stick to fight back and they brawl into the crowd, but Flair gets backdropped into ringside again. HHH follows with a suplex and they head back in and slug it out. So then the TV-14 rating comes in again as HHH grabs what appears to be a screwdriver from a nearby toolbox and just GASHES Flair’s head open, and he’s bleeding all over the ring. They head back out and HHH beats on him, runs him into the stairs, and then calls him mean names while the ref gets up to 6. Flair recovers, grabs HHH by the nuts, and gets slugged down again as a result. HHH tries to Pedigree him through the table, but Flair backdrops him through the table first and HHH is down for 9. Back in, HHH grabs a chair and beats on Flair, but Ric keeps fighting back and then goes for the nuts again to block a Pedigree. He puts HHH down with the chair, but HHH is up at 4, so Flair bites his head and comes back with chops and another punch to the junk. This is like Flair’s dream match. And then he posts HHH for good measure, ramming him groin-first into the post and then working on the knees, because, you know, he was there already. Then he just yanks HHH into the post four more times for good measure. Back in, he clips the knee and then bites the leg before going to work on it, picking him up for a chop, and then clipping the knee again. HHH fights off the figure-four, and Flair gets dumped, but he comes back in with the figure-four and blatantly grabs the ropes for leverage. HHH taps, but that means nothing. HHH is down for 7 from that, but he puts Flair down with a clothesline and they’re both down. HHH grabs the stairs and just bashes him in the head with them, triggering another flow of blood, but Flair takes him down with a drop toehold into the stairs and they’re both out. Both beat the count at 8 and Flair comes back with chops, but he walks into KICK WHAM PEDIGREE. He’s up at 5, so HHH gives him another one, and no man can survive two Pedigrees. EXCEPT RIC FLAIR. He throws the double bird at HHH, who responds with a third Pedigree, and Flair is still fighting up, so HHH grabs his trusty sledgehammer, smashes him good, and Flair is finally done at 26:56. HHH symbolically puts a bullet in him afterwards and Flair goes out on the stretcher. This was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC, finally a Last Man Standing match that lives up to the gimmick, with Flair cheating and doing every shortcut he could think of given no restrictions on what he could do to hang with HHH. I wasn’t a huge fan of the gory bladejob, but it certainly fit the storyline. ****3/4

Meanwhile, Team Smackdown plans their attack, with Orton and Batista differing on who the team captain is. JBL is a blustering bully until Batista stands up to him, at which point he promptly shuts up. How about that.

Edge joins us to announce that he’ll be debuting his new talk show, the Cutting Edge, and there’s no cheesy TV screens or palm trees. Was he really busting on the ridiculously expensive Jeritron 5000? He really is the Rated R Superstar. Dmitri Young of the Tigers is at ringside, so Edge asks him if they suck because of lack of talent, or lack of steroids? Given the way the wrestling business was about to turn, he’s probably not one to talk. Edge lays into the various Detroit sporting franchises for some quality cheap heat, but Young gets his heat back by asking Edge where his World championship is? Well, that would come soon enough. Also, he accuses Edge of having no balls, but Lita can personally assure us that he does. Edge, the cheap heat magnet, was great at this point.

WWE title: John Cena v. Kurt Angle

Angle’s flunky Davari is the special ref for this match, and Angle has the badass black tights so you know he means business. Cena was carrying the original spinner version of the WWE title at this point, which actually did spin. Probably one of the worst belts in history, and were stuck with it for the next 8 years. This was basically the feud that drove me off for a long while, as I was really bored with Cena’s title reign already at this point and I had WWE 24/7 to occupy me. Cena fights off Angle’s mat wrestling and chases him to the floor, but Daivari prevents him from following. The crowd does this weird thing where the women cheer for Cena and the men cheer for Angle, and I have to wonder if that will become a trend for Cena in the future. Maybe they should turn him heel? Cena gets a fisherman’s suplex, but Daivari of course won’t count, so Angle picks the ankle and Daivari is ready to ring the bell at a moment’s notice. Cena makes the ropes, so Daivari kicks his hand away and Cena has to power out instead. Finally Cena slaps him around and Daivari is going to DQ him, but Angle doesn’t want that and stops him. Cena dumps them both out of the ring and they brawl out there. Back in, Angle with a belly to belly and a new ref comes in to count two while Daivari is now unconscious for the duration. Angle with a suplex for two. Angle works a waistlock, but Cena gets a bodypress for two and Angle slugs him down again. Angle with a backdrop suplex for two, and he wraps up Cena in a wacky STF variation. Cena escapes and gets a DDT, and they slug it out before Cena makes the comeback. Angle decides to clothesline the referee to stop the FU, and a third ref comes in as he gets an Angle Slam for two. Superplex gets two, but the Anglesault misses and Cena tries another FU. Angle takes out another ref to block that and then manages to revive poor Daivari, but Cena DDTs him as yet another ref comes out, and Cena finishes with the FU at 13:56. This was way, WAY overbooked and Cena wasn’t really “Big Match John” at this point, as it was mostly just a normal match that never really got going. **1/2

Theodore Long v. Eric Bischoff

Long has the short-lived Palmer Cannon character in his corner. Bischoff tries to throw kicks, but Long dances away. Bischoff uses some ref distraction to get a sleeper, but Long uses his shoe to escape, and then Eric hits him in the throat. At this point the Boogeyman debuts and appears in the ring to lay out Bischoff with his slam, giving Long the win at 5:24. -** This was Bischoff’s last appearance as the RAW GM on PPV, as he was “fired” by Vince soon after and left the promotion. Which is fine, the character had descended into complete self-parody by that point anyway.

Team RAW (Shawn Michaels, Carlito, Chris Masters, Big Show & Kane) v. Team Smackdown (Batista, Rey Mysterio, JBL, Bobby Lashley & Randy Orton)

I’m assuming Lashley was taking Eddie’s place on the team? So weird that Orton was not yet hearing voices at this point. Orton starts with Shawn and they trade slaps in the corner and they slug it out, but Orton misses a kneedrop and Masters comes in to work the arm. Over to Lashley and it’s green v. greener, as Lashley misses a charge and Masters tries the Masterlock. Lashley escapes and suplexes him, into a tag for Carlito. He gets beat up for a bit, and then Shawn comes in and Bobby slams him a bunch of times as well. No wonder Donald Trump was so impressed. Dominator for Carlito, but Kane chokeslams Lashley from the apron and Shawn pins him at 7:19. Rey comes in and Kane immediately hits him from the apron as well, allowing Masters to go to work on him. Kane comes in, but Rey dropkicks his knee and gets a standing moonsault for two. Kane boots him down in annoyance and gets a backbreaker for two. And then we get a bearhug while five announcers yell over each other, but Rey escapes and brings in Batista. Kane hits him in the taped ribs, but Batista no-sells everyone on the RAW team and cleans house, before finishing Kane with a spinebuster at 11:43. And then Show chokeslams him for two immediately afterwards. Kane and Show (the tag champs at that point) double chokeslam Batista and he’s gone at 12:31. JBL goes after Show and beats on him, then tosses around the Smackdown crew, but walks into the lariat. He won’t go down, so JBL tags in Rey for the 619, and then the RKO from Orton. And finally one more lariat from JBL and a butt splash from Rey finishes him at 14:32. Everyone brawls now and Masters runs Rey into the corner for two, and Carlito gets a suplex for two. Carlito with the chinlock, but JBL comes in with the lariat to get rid of Carlito at 17:40. Masters has to fight off all three Smackdown guys while Shawn plays Roman Reigns on the floor, and he misses a charge on Rey and falls into the 619 and Drop the Dime at 19:03. So Shawn is left alone and he’s out cold on the floor. JBL throws him in and Shawn fights back on Rey, but he takes a 619. Rey tries to Drop the Dime on him, but lands on a superkick and gets pinned at 20:30. JBL comes in swinging and he gets superkicked at 20:42. So we’re left with Shawn v. Orton, and Orton bails to escape the superkick, so Shawn hits him with a dive. Back in, Shawn with the forearm and he makes the comeback, selling like he’s drunker than Marty Jannetty, but he hits the flying elbow and both guys are out. JBL reappears with a chair, but Shawn superkicks him out and then walks into the RKO at 24:04. The Smackdown roster of geeks run in to celebrate with him (who are the guys dressed like Buff Bagwell?) but Undertaker does a full druid entrance and beats up the entire roster of jobbers to set up HELL IN A CELL at the December PPV. I guess that’s another show I’ve never done. Pretty average elimination tag match, but it had good heat. ***

The Pulse

This turned out to be a really entertaining and easy to watch show, especially the lost classic Last Man Standing match that I went in ready to hate and ended up loving. I’d call this a recommendation.