The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling–12.20.86

The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 12.20.86

I dunno, sometimes I just feel like going back to good ol’ NWA 86 again. Since I left off at 12.13.86 according to my archives, that is where we shall proceed from again.

Your host is Tony Schiavone.

Jim Cornette and Big Bubba join us immediately to annoy Tony, and he clarifies that Barry Windham is a punk with a funny looking haircut, and Garvin is afraid of Big Bubba.

The Midnight Express v. David Isley & Zane Smith

Bobby hits Isley with a dropkick while Cornette complains about the crowd calling him mean names, especially in the delicate condition he’s in after the scaffold match. Isley gets tossed in and out of the ring and tags out to Smith, who looks like an extra on the set of Fargo. Bobby drops elbows on him and Dennis chokes him out on the ropes while Cornette lectures him on the finer points of etiquette and anger management, and then Bobby hits Isley with the flying elbow and he apparently hits his head on the lights because he got so much hangtime. Bobby puts the poor guy in an abdominal stretch just to mess with him, and then Dennis wraps him up with a hold and pins him at 5:08. Man, they just TORTURED that poor bastard. Well, it’s his own fault for being a jobber.

Uncle Ivan Koloff is DISGUSTED that Nikita Koloff has joined with the soft, weak Americans, and warns him that VLADIMIR PETROV is coming to punish him. Petrov mostly punished us for watching him try to wrestle. Sadly, Nikita has been disowned from the Koloff family and is no longer nephew of Ivan. Dusty Rhodes, you homewrecking motherfucker!

I should note that they make a wacky meme out of the jobber getting yelled at by Cornette for the commercial break, with a caption reading “I told you, don’t touch that channel”.

The Rock N Roll Express, wearing what appears to be clothes harvested from a Goodwill drop-off bin, want us to know that they’re not going away.

Ron Garvin v. Vern Deaton

Garvin quickly chops Deaton in the corner and chops him down for one. He just lights up the poor guy with chops in the corner, reddening his chest, and then hooks him in a sugar hold on the mat and then double-stomps him while the crowd chants “Beat him up, Garvin, beat him up.” This is a mean crowd. Why would you take pleasure in the suffering of this poor jobber who is only trying to feed his family? I mean, it’s hilarious when the Midnight Express abuse the poor fuckers, but I’d like to think the babyfaces would have a bit of compassion. Ronnie pulls on assorted limbs while Tony promises that Barry Windham will also be here later, facing Tony Zane. Gotta love these two hour shows where they’re just stretching everything. Garvin smacks him around some more and then takes pity with Hands of Stone at 4:47.

Brad Armstrong v. Brodie Chase

Brad takes him down and works on the arm in a variety of arm-related ways and gets a clothesline for two, and it’s BACK to the arm. Is it me or does Brad look kind of like a taller Kenny Omega? Anyway, after FIVE MINUTES of working the arm, he finishes Chase with a backbreaker at 5:20.

Ole & Arn Anderson v. Rocky King & George South

Rocky gets beat up by Ole in the corner, but comes back with a bodypress on Arn for two to draw a big babyface pop. South comes in to try a double-team and gets hammered by Ole and beat up on the mat for his troubles. George comes back with a small package on Arn for two and Rocky tries to come in for backup, and Ole just HURLS him to the floor while Tony regales us with tales of Dusty Rhodes winning TWO Bunkhouse Stampedes in two different cities, in the same day. And you guys are whining because FLAIR put himself over too much? South fights back again and quickly gets slammed by Ole and hammerlock-slammed by Arn, and then the flying knee to the arm and armbar finish him off at 6:36. Well, they gave it a good try. The lesson? Never try.

Ole & Arn feel like they’re the rightful National and/or US tag team champions, but are unable to win them because everyone is ducking them. Well, in the case of the National tag titles, it’s more likely because they were abandoned a YEAR before! Not only that, but Ole & Arn were the last champions!

Nikita Koloff v. Art Pritts

Wham, bam, sickle at 0:40.

Tully Blanchard concedes that Dusty Rhodes may have won two Stampedes, but he took a LOT of punishment, so in a way it was a victory for the Horsemen.

Dusty Rhodes and his sidekick Nikita are out for a lengthy promo from which I get “funky like a monkey” and zone out on the rest.

Barry Windham v. Tony Zane

Yes, the match delivered as promised! God, we’re not even 40 minutes into this show and there’s a LOT of little marker dots on the Network timeline for it. Windham works the arm and hangs on tight. Tony Zane looks like of like Tenacious D era Jack Black decided to become a wrestler. Barry with a suplex and gutwrench while Barry’s cheering section calls for a bulldog. AND WE TAKE A BREAK. Back with hour #2 as poor pasty shlub Zane tries a comeback and gets beaten down again. Lariat finishes him at 4:00. And we never even got that bulldog!

Barry Windham joins us for an impromptu promo and like everyone else, he wants the World title around Flair’s waist. I feel like he’d lose, but the matches would be awesome.

The Road Warriors v. Larry Steven & Butch Cooper

Yeah, you know how this one goes. Hawk almost kills the skinner jobber with a gutwrench that somehow goes horribly wrong, and Animal quickly finishes him with a clothesline at 0:30. That was a scary bump, as the jobber ended up taking a face-first bump off a suplex. Looked like Hawk was dead-weighting him for some reason.

Brad Armstrong promises that Bullet Bob will be joining him for tag team matches soon. But first, Jimmy Garvin is talking but not winning World titles, so perhaps he should step up and fight.

The Road Warriors are out to challenge the Horsemen to eight-man tags all over the country, and Hawk admits that he enjoyed hurting the jobber just now. I’m not sure which animal hormone that Hawk was injecting himself with at this point, but it clearly didn’t agree with him. I feel like he must have had an “Old McDonald” See N Say that he would spin at injection time, basing his shot on where it lands. “Well…it’s monkey hormones today, I guess!”

Ivan Koloff & Krusher Khruschev v. Al Garrett & Bill Tabb

This would be the swan song for Comrade Smash, I believe. Tabb manages to get a powerslam on Ivan for two right away, but Krusher cuts him off with an armbar. The Russians double-team Tabb and Ivan just kind of half-heartedly works a chinlock, obviously still stung by the betrayal of nephew Nikita and just not wanting to talk it out in a healthy way. Over to Garrett, who quickly gets tossed and beat up on the outside. Back in, Ivan hits Garrett with the Russian Hammer choke, and then finishes with the Sickle at 7:52. This show is literally never going to end.

Ric Flair is out to raise the class level a little bit, and he was gonna be low key, but Dusty and Nikita were just talking TOO MUCH about the Nature Boy. You see, at around 20 minutes in Baltimore, Nikita was just like all the girls in the hotel room, yelling “STOP! NATURE BOY, I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE!” I’m assuming they were playing Dance Dance Revolution in the hotel room? Tony tries to cut him off, but Flair just plows ahead and slags Dusty for being a Celtics fan, unlike himself, who is a Lakers fan and hangs out with celebrities. My wife wonders how Flair can do these interviews without cracking himself up, but that’s just why he’s the NATURE BOY.

Rick Rude & Manny Fernandez v. The Mulkey Brothers

Rude presses Billy and Manny works on the ribs as my wife wanders in and offers commentary on the match thus far, as apparently all four wrestlers could have come from her hometown. She’s also a fan of Rick Rude and his tights, as the 80s were a time when real man could wear purple spandex and have mullets without being the LEAST bit ironic. Over to Randy, and Rude quickly takes him down and destroys him and they work on his arm before Rude finishes with the Rude Awakening DDT at 4:48.

Paul Jones warns us that his team is not only gonna defend their belts successfully, but they’ll likely hurt someone in the process. Well, consider me warned. Fernandez is offering the roughest action in town, and anyone who wants a piece of it should call him. I…don’t think I will. No, I think I will pass on that.

World TV title: Tully Blanchard v. Randy Barber

Tully takes him down and works the arm with a hammerlock and even Tony is like “Man, everyone is really working that arm this week.” Tully drops elbows and finishes relatively quickly for this week with the slingshot suplex, at 3:00.

The Rock N Roll Express are out again, having changed their clothes in between promos, and they’re saying the same stuff as before.

The Midnight Express are also out for another interview, and Cornette is upset because Mama Cornette had to visit her little “Jim Jim” in the hospital and she CRIED. So the Express is gonna take it out on the Road Warriors in the scaffold rematches. FOR MAMA.

Wahoo McDaniel v. Paul Garner

Tony notes that we’ve been talking about all the great athletes in the Bunkhouse Stampedes, but we’ve neglected to mention Wahoo thus far! Why, he’s been in the final four many times this season. Wahoo batters the jobber with chops in the corner and goes to the chinlock, then finishes with the big chop at 4:14.

And we wrap up with a Four Horsemen gang interview, as Arn Anderson is BELTLESS and this displeases him. So he’s getting Nikita’s US title, as is his right as a Horsemen.

Makeup by Terri Boatright! And we’re out.