The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW–01.31.94 / 02.07.94

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – February 7 1994

– Taped from Bushkill, PA.

– Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bastion Booger. Mike Shaw is a funny guy, but I don’t see this turning out well.

The Smoking Gunns v. Barry Horowitz & Reno Riggins

This may literally be the greatest tag team match, no, the greatest ANYTHING in the history of the universe. The jobber dream team immediately double-teams Billy in the corner with double Nash chokes, but Bart comes in (illegally) with a high cross on both jobbers. Horowitz accidentally backdrops Riggins and they get into an argument on the floor. Come on, the breakup of the Rockers was hard enough on me, not these two as well! Bart works on Reno with a suplex while Vince notes that the Steiners were unable to defeat the Quebecers in a 10 minute challenge this past week on Superstars, which has essentially put them out of the tag title picture. That’s kind of a burial, no wonder the Steiners left. Gunns finish Riggins with the move that would later be called The Sidewinder at 3:38. Well, Barry and Reno let me down as usual. Someday Barry will win, I’m sure of it.

Meanwhile, on All-American, Owen Hart and Bret Hart cut promos explaining their reasoning behind their upcoming match. Bret’s Stu Hart shirt is quite awesome.

Owen Hart v. John Paul

A great bit of heeldom from Owen, as he finds a kid to ringside who wants the glasses, and then tears them up in front of him. Owen works the arm and gets a backbreaker for two, then cuts off Paul’s comeback with a leg lariat for two. Enzuigiri and Sharpshooter finishes at 3:38.

IRS v. Marty Jannetty

We’ll see if Marty is able to perform better than he did against Polo last week. He gets a pair of sloppy dropkicks and a back elbow that barely gets any hangtime, and IRS bails. Back in, Marty works on a headlock, but IRS takes him down with a drop toehold. They fight to the floor, and Marty takes a nice bump into the post, doing a 180 sell in a way that would make Sir Isaac Newton go “What the FUUUUCK?” Back in, Marty with a sunset flip for two, and the Quebecers join us at ringside as we take a break. They beat the crap out of Marty during the break, which had to be an attempt to set up Quebecers v. Kid & Marty for Wrestlemania. So how did we arrive at Quebecers v. MOM? Back to “live” “action”, as IRS comes off the top and hits Marty’s foot, and Marty gets a small package for two. IRS goes to the ABDOMINAL STRETCH OF INTENSE DISCOMFORT, but Marty hiptosses out. Irwin with the chinlock as Vince notes that Marty seems to have superhuman stamina. Yeah, almost as if he’s, I dunno, on a shitload of drugs or something. Marty comes back with a powerslam and a superkick, but now Johnny Polo joins us with his trusty pool cue. As does Razor Ramon, albeit without a weapon. Marty clotheslines IRS for two. And now the Quebecers are back as this is just all kinds of overbooked. Marty ends up on the apron, where Polo trips him up, and IRS gets the pin at 8:56. Razor cleans house, but the Quebecers proceed with the beatdown until Marty saves. So out of all this it’s, I’m guessing, Ramon & Jannetty v. Quebecers for the tag titles next week. Marty was looking really lethargic and shitty at this point and disappeared again soon after. **

– Vince confirms that in two weeks (due to the dog show next week) it’ll be the tag title match.

Thurman Plugg (His Friends Call Him Sparky) v. Duane Gill

Plugg controls with armdrags and a high kick, then slugs Gill off the apron. Back in, dropkick and slam follows as Vince notes that Sparky is an “electric performer”. Someone should send that joke to the Democrats in Connecticut and use it against Linda. Powerslam gets two, and a suplex sets up a flying kneedrop (the “Overhead Cam”, you see) at 3:00. You’d almost have to feel bad for Bob Holly if he didn’t go on to be a huge asshole.

Crush v. A Jobber Named Thornberg

I think that’s what Vince called him. Crush takes him down with an armbar and pounds away as Vine announces Crush v. Savage at Wrestlemania in a falls count anywhere match. Crush with his martial arts kicks and he follows with a military press and legdrop for the pin at 2:34.

In two weeks: The Quebecers v. Marty Jannetty & Razor Ramon for the tag titles! Plus Bret Hart v. A Heavenly Body! We don’t know which one, but you’ve got a 50/50 shot at guessing!