The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–01.10.94 / 01.17.94

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – January 17 1994

– Taped from Richmond, VA.

– Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Crush. God, this is gonna be a trainwreck.

Owen Hart v. Terry Austin

Owen is all smiles and handshakes again and has Bret in his corner. Owen works a headlock and gets a bad-looking monkey-flip and I’m already tired of Crush’s commentary. We know Bryan Adams can talk like a normal human being, I wish he’d do it here, BRUDDA. Owen continues with a hiptoss and works the arm with a top wristlock. Vince claims last week was a “record-setting national television audience”, which I somehow doubt. Owen with the enzuigiri and flying elbow. Snap suplex and missile dropkick set up the Sharpshooter at 4:30. Most surreal moment of the match: Vince on the phone with Stan Lane, who is apparently “live” at Madison Square Garden watching the Kid/Jannetty v. Quebecers rematch.

Tatanka v. George South

No way, George South on a WWF TV show? South is another Jobber I Care About, for those keeping track. Tanaka pounds away on South with chops and hiptosses him out of the corner, then chops him down again. They’re still promoting Tatanka v. Ludvig Borga for Royal Rumble at this point, even though they 100% would have known that Borga was done and wouldn’t be there. South gets some token offense, but Tatanka backdrops him as Stan Lane has another update from MSG: The match has started and Kid & Jannetty seem more determined than ever! Hey, that’s great. Tatanka with the flying chop to finish at 2:50.

Yokozuna comes out for an interview with Vince McMahon, but Paul Bearer wheels out a CASKET. Vince’s delight at Yokozuna’s abject terror is a bit disturbing. He’s all “Ha ha, Undertaker is gonna stuff you in that casket and you’ll probably have a heart attack and die!” And then Vince eggs Yoko on and wants him to go take a closer look at the casket, so he reluctantly does, and of course Undertaker pops out and Yoko goes running away. That’s kind of a dick move on everyone’s part.

Diesel v. Scott Powers

Diesel pounds Powers down and whips him into two corners, but the jobber comes back with dropkicks until Diesel swats him down. Sideslam and he tosses the jobber for some beatings by Shawn. Update from MSG: The Quebecers have ROBBED Kid & Jannetty of the tag team titles! I didn’t realize their reign was only a week, actually. What was the point of putting it on them? I’m a little upset by that update and Stan Lane’s passionate description of the antics of Johnny Polo, and hopefully I can continue on. Diesel with a powerbomb and then big boot to finish at 3:25. Soon he would reverse the order and hit paydirt.

Randy Savage v. IRS

IRS attacks while Savage is jawing with Crush, and elbows Savage down. He tosses Macho for a nice bump, and pounds away in the ring. Savage comes back with an atomic drop into a clothesline, and IRS bails as we take a break. We return with IRS dropping Savage on the railing, and suplexes him back into the ring, for two. IRS with a chinlock and he works the leg. Legdrop gets two. Savage with a small package for two, but he misses a blind charge and IRS gets two. Savage dumps him and goes over to take a shot at Crush, and we take a break. Really, another break for a match with a finish so obvious that a newborn baby monkey could probably figure it out? Back with Savage going up and IRS nailing him for two. Back to the chinlock, but Savage is in the ropes. IRS goes up, but lands on Savage’s foot, and Macho makes the comeback. Slam and flying elbow look to finish, but, say it with me, Crush runs in for the DQ at 8:10. And the beating is on, as Tatanka tries to save but runs into Yokozuna. Thankfully Lex Luger is here join the match, and soon we have a mini-Rumble. Because it’s coming up, you see. **

Next week: The Hart Brothers v. The Headshrinkers! But first a re-rant of the Royal Rumble.