The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW 12.20.93 / 12.27.93 / 01.03.94

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – December 20 1993

– Taped from Poughkeepsie, NY.

– Your hosts are Vince & Shawn Michaels. I guess they’re doing a rotating host deal until they can find a permanent color commentator. That combination would rule today, actually.

Jeff Jarrett v. PJ Walker

Rather than his familiar electric cowboy look, JJ is going with an all-white toilet-paper look for some reason. Jarrett grabs a headlock and does some strutting, but PJ hiptosses out of another try. And Jarrett’s outfit is so incredibly gay that it actually crashes the episode and I have to reload it and try again. Fringed tights are a danger to everyone. Walker gets control with armdrags, but Jarrett struts to evade him and clobbers him from behind to take over. “Right out of the page of Diesel!” declares Vince. Yes, it’s already VINTAGE DIESEL in the WWF. Jarrett misses a flying fistdrop, but finishes with a sloppy DDT at 3:32 anyway.

Men on a Mission v. DUANE GILL & BARRY HARDY

Vince declares this is a “special Santa rap” from Oscar, and yet it sounds exactly the same as the garbled nonsense he spouts every other time. And I’m not even saying this as a typical white guy who doesn’t get or like rap music in general, but he’s just totally unintelligible by any measuring stick. For those keeping track, Gill & Hardy as a team are more Jobbers I Care About. Mo overpowers Gill with a wristlock to start and it’s over to Mabel. The Lords of Pain try to double-team him, but he puts them both down with a clothesline and slams Gill onto Hardy. Vince’s topical conversation to prove the show is “live”: Some guy who ate an entire pig in Argentina and died. The mind of Vince is a scary, scary place sometimes. Mabel sits on Hardy and Mo works on the arm, and Mabel sits on him again to finish at 4:32.

Ludvig Borga v. Tatanka

My review of UFC 13, featuring Randy Couture destroying Ludvig Borga in both of their MMA debuts, will be up shortly on Heavy.com. You’ll be happy to know Borga wasn’t any better as a legitimate athlete than he was in the WWF. Tatanka chops away to start and pounds him in the corner, sending Borga to the floor. Borga meets the post and they back into the ring, where Tatanka continues his aggression and chops him down again, followed by an elbowdrop and flying bodypress for two. Borga catches him with a cheapshot, however, and pounds away to take over. Tatanka, however, no-sells it and gets pissed off, only to walk into a powerslam. Borga misses an elbowdrop and Tatanka is still angry, hitting him with clotheslines, but Yokozuna wanders out. Tatanka with a powerslam and he goes up, but once again Fuji’s flag gets involved for the DQ at 4:40. Yoko comes in for the beatdown, but Tatanka fights him off. Lex Luger adds a slam to Yoko to justify his paycheque for the year and the heels get the hell out of there. Nice to see Luger being proactive for once.

Adam Bomb v. Mark Thomas

Lou Albano is scouting here for some reason. Bomb powers Thomas down and adds a backdrop suplex, while Vince mocks the jobber’s purple tights. Atom Smasher finishes at 1:42, while Vince and Shawn discuss scalping of Barney tickets.

Meanwhile, at the race track, we meet Thurman Plugg. His friends call him SPARKY! Oh, the 90s. Bob Holly is never gonna live that one down.

Meanwhile, Owen Hart throws out a challenge to Bret on Superstars, but Bret responds that he’ll never fight his brother under any circumstances.

Owen Hart v. Mike Bell

Owen works on the arm and does his hiptoss escape, then adds a snap suplex and an elbow off the middle rope. Gutwrench and forearms send Bell into the corner, but he comes back with a corner clothesline. Knee to the gut and elbow gets two for Bell. Owen puts him down again with a suplex and follows with a belly to belly out of the corner, and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 3:10.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is building the dreaded double-wide, double-deep casket for Yokozuna.

The Headshrinkers v. Phil Apollo & Jerry Seavey

Samu attacks both jobbers by himself and suplexes Seavey, and it’s over to Fatu for some chops in the corner. Samu chokes him out and puts him down with a superkick and they finish with the double legsweep and flying Fatu splash at 2:51.

Next week: Lex Luger! Razor Ramon! Johnny Polo v. Marty Jannetty! Alundra Blayze v. Heidi Lee Morgan to crown a new Women’s champion!