Kevin Thorn’s shitty new look has already been added to the intro.
Nice of them to bother but his last televised match is next week.
Kelly Kelly vs. Layla
We’re in Roanoke, VA, the home of Tony Atlas and Boris Zhukov so this match must be a tribute to them. Both women look like models trying to wrestle and they wrestle like…oh before I get a chance to think of something amusing this happens:
”Nice counter by Kelly!” shouts Joey, wiping the tears away from his eyes. Layla kind of throws Kelly into the bottom turnbuckle but Balls Mahoney emerges to support Kelly and we get the second greatest spot of all time.
Kelly rolls her up to shotgun this match in the head.
Winner: the guy who makes Botchamania (Easily the worst match to air on ECW on Sci-Fi to date, neither woman looked trained and no move was executed properly. Absolute rotten shite, it this match was an Iron Maiden album it’d be Virtual XI.)
Jesse & Festus vs. John Morrison & The Miz
Miz & Morrison get separate entrances as Festus is still reacting to the previous match.
Jesse gives Morrison a tour of his Owen Hart tribute offence and tags in Festus. Morrison wants to tag out but Miz runs away so Morrison takes the Marty Jannetty Bump off a clothesline. Jesse tags back in to claim the pin but Morrison kicks out and tags out to a now-willing Miz. Jesse gets a step-up enziguri for two and is able to headlock Miz over while at the same time giving Morrison a headscissors. Festus clotheslines them out the ring and Jesse flies off the top rope with a vertical crossbody as we go to break and I wonder why Jesse wasn’t a bigger deal.
When we’re back, Miz has Jesse in a chinlock and holds on while Morrison springboards over the ropes onto him. Morrison riles Festus up so he runs in like an eejit so they can keep the advantage while the ref deals with Not Gallows. Jesse gets worked over with Miz’s Flying Clothesline connecting as Styles puts over the team working very well considering how new they are. Jesse finally escapes the double-teams and forward rolls to a tag. Festus destroys everyone as the crowd laps it up. Miz takes a Fallaway Slam which sets up the Rocket Launcher double-team. Morrison breaks the pin though, snaps Jesse’s face on the ropes which sets up Miz’s roll-up and win.
Winners: John Morrison & The Miz (Very decent tag match here with the champions making their opponents look good before out-smarting them. Jesse was a powerhouse here even if Festus was the one getting the cheers.)
As Tazz reads WWE Magazine, I realise how much he looks like Mr. Big from Moonwalker.
SMACKDOWN REBOUND: Edge returned at Survivor Series and Vickie pretends to be mad with him before they kiss, because they were in cahoots the whole time. Oh it’s the start of this! Batista attacks Edge and Undertaker tombstones Vickie. I enjoyed Edge vs. Batista and Edge vs. Undertaker and it’s just as well as they wrestled a LOT during this period.
Elijah Burke is here talking about ”his homeboy” Shelton who wanders out looking thrilled. Shelton talks about raising the bar and shouts ”AIN’T STOPPING ME NOOWWW” to end it and I hope they have Burke talk for him from now on.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Shannon Moore
Punching and some takedowns bore the crowd until an Exploder Suplex (or ”T-Bone Suplex” as Tazz calls it before apologising. They’re nearly the same thing in fairness) causes them to boo Shelton. Extended neck crank makes the crowd tap out but Moore bravely carries on like The Charge Of The Light Brigade. Moore escapes a suplex to get a schoolboy for two but Shelton catches Moore trying to springboard in and ends him with the Paydirt.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (Benjamin may be athletic as hell but he can’t carry a promo or keep the crowd interested during a squash.)
Big Daddy V vs. Kane (Extreme Rules)
Kane beat V & Striker in a handicap match last week but this time chairs and shit are legal so that could make the difference. V throws Kane outside, makes Striker get a Singapore cane but Kane snatches it from him and twats V’s legs. V shrugs them off and Belly-To-Titty Slams Kane and stands on him. Why is that not a finisher in an EXTREME RULES match, just stand on Kane until his eyes pop out and ignore the ref’s requests to get off the ropes. Sadly that doesn’t happen and Kane hurls plunder into the ring because he’s required to. ”The Planet-Like” Big Daddy V gets a chair kicked into his face but V holds onto it so Kane awkwardly connects with the top rope clothesline while both men wonder what the other was thinking. Kane sets the chair around V’s neck to Pillmanise (ChuckAustinise?) him but V thinks ”naw mate” and shoves Kane off the apron. Kane gets draped into the front row and chopped by V and the high quality of the WWE Network means you can see how unnerved the front row get by being that close to the sweat. Crowd chants ”Mabel” as V sets up a table in the corner. Kane leans across it and V sandwiches him through. Kane kicks out so V gets another table before realising he’s cut.
They slug it out as the crowd goes wild for Kane making a comeback. They’ve been dead during V’s section of the match. Kane blocks the Samoan Drop by holding the ropes and beats V with the cane. Kane bonks him with a trashcan and sets up the chokeslam until Mark Henry
runs walks in and attacks Kane. Henry holds Kane so he can get bin-bonked and Kane takes a double choke-slam (and plummeting V) for the win.
Winner: Big Daddy V (Kane and V aren’t amazing together but V has the ability to throw Kane around so there’s that. This was all about doing contractually-bound plunder bits until Henry showed up so at least it had a purpose. I don’t want to hate a match with V winning so let’s move on.)
Overall: The biggest trainwreck since that RVD vs. Sabu ladder match aside, Morrison and Miz are finally looking like the team we think of when we apply our retro goggles and V got a win in the main event. It was a mix of the best and blurst of ECW on Sci-Fi 2007.