ECW on Sci-Fi #71 10/16/2007

We’re in the United Kingdom (no city mentioned but it’s Birmingham), our main event is a handicap tag match and I’m looking forward to seeing which UK wrestler makes a jobber appearance.

John Morrison has ”been swimming in life” since losing the title. Taz and Styles hype the interactivity of Cyber Sunday and how amazing it is you can vote for the guy WWE wants you to pick and two others they don’t, leaving the match in your hands. Morrison lists off some catchphrases and shows off his still-present abs to encourage voting. Morrison off the roids still looks like Morrison on the roids.

The Miz interrupts to brag about getting more women than Morrison. ”The woman want me and the men fear me.” Crowd chants WHO ARE YA and Morrison says he’s bigger than The Beatles like it’s a wounding jab. It was 2007, if he wanted real heat he should have said he was bigger than The Kaiser Chiefs.

Big Daddy V strides out and Matt Striker bigs him up. Vote for him or he’ll kill you etc.

CM Punk interrupts to judge his competitors. He puts over the abilities of Morrison and V but says of Miz ”man, no-one likes you.” HE’S SHOOTING, write that down, click here for more details of Punk’s unscripted rant, BACKSTAGE HEAT, hashtag pipebomb. CM Punk says his tag partner tonight doesn’t have to be someone from ECW (just as well, I can’t think of anybody outside of Tommy Dreamer that he could tag with) and his partner is Smackdown’s Kane.

CM Punk and Kane vs. John Morrison, Big Daddy V and The Miz

Punk and Morrison start, with Morrison working over Punk’s ribs because they’re wrapped up like Boris Karloff. Punk prevails and Monkey Flips Morrison so he can tag in Kane. Crowd loves The Big Red Retard Machine as he biels Morrison across the ring. ”This is now Kane’s first BBQ!” Punk tags in and takes out Morrison with an Eddy-style senton. Yeah that seems sensible with DDP ribs. Morrison gets the advantage and tags in Miz, who the crowd serenade with more WHO ARE YAAAAAA and YOU SUCK chants. V tags in and the crowd goes ”ooooo” as he Gorilla Press Slams Punk. Morrison stretches Punk as the crowd get behind the Straight Edge champ. Miz tags in and the crowd absolutely hates him, especially as he repeatedly cuts off Punk going for the tag. Punk’s facial expressions are the usual brilliant OH GOD I’M DYING HELP when he’s getting pounded and the crowd are eating it up like Punk could die if he doesn’t get the tag. Back from break Punk is still getting clobbered. Kane is forced to run-in and break up a pin attempt, creating WE WANT KANE chants. Miz again cuts Punk off but he finally gets the tag and Kane destroys everyone. Morrison takes the top-rope clothesline and Miz breaks up the pin so Kane swats him away with one shot.

Morrison tags in V and we get the Big Hoss Stare-Down that WWE does so well. Kane isn’t scared so V clotheslines him on his arse. V misses an Avalanche and takes a Big Boot to the outside, Miz tags in and takes a Choke Slam for the win.

Winners: CM Punk and Kane (Fun, simple match with everyone getting time to look good so Cyber Sunday can get hyped. Miz getting the most heat he’d received thus far in his WWE career.)

Miz and Morrison shout at each other backstage. Morrison challenges him to another match tonight to prove he’s not a loser. Miz declines then sucker-punches Morrison and changes his mind.

Balls Mahoney reminds us The Miz owns Kelly’s contract but he still likes her. Kelly shows up and asks Balls for a date. He says ”yeah!!!” and they wander off to have fish ‘n’ chips or Buckfast.

Smackdown GM Vickie Gurerrero talks with ECW GM Armando backstage about a tag team being on the show tonight and hey it’s Jesse and Festus. ”You sure there’s nothing wrong with his face?”

Elijah Burke & Nunzio vs. Jesse and Festus

What the hell kind of house show tag team is that? Styles mentions the Smackdown Talent Exchange for the first time which I guess is carnie for ”we’re only bringing the bare minimum of guys overseas.” Jesse tells the audience Festus may look a bit odd but wait until the bell rings.

Festus turns into a real wrestler and shoulder blocks Burke. Burke decides he doesn’t want to do this and tags in an unimpressed Nunzio. Jesse shows off his agility as Styles lets us know these guys made their debut on Smackdown in 2006. Burke sacrifices Nunzio so he can get the sneak attack on Jessie. The Owen Hart lookalike gets worked over as the crowd wants Festus. Nunzio gets one bit of offence before Festus tags in and wrecks shit. Rocket Launcher Shoulder Block double-team ends it.

Winners: Jesse and Festus (Squash match for the lovable freak show. Shame Jesse retired so early, he was proto-Chad Gable out there.)

Raw Rebound with Umaga having all three match choices (Street Fight, First Blood, Cage Match) with plucky FWA favourite Andy Boy Simmonz to show what he’ll do to HHH. Sure.

Taz demonstrates how to vote for Cyber Sunday as only Taz can. ”I was in control right then! You could be in control too!”

The Miz vs. John Morrison

We have less than four minutes left on the show so here’s some more Cyber Sunday hype. Morrison enters selling his jaw, Miz is selling his entire body (not like Buff Bagwell). Crowd chants YOU BOTH SUCK as Morrison smacks Miz about. Styles keeps going on about the wrestlers ”currying favour” with the crowd to get votes but they’re all bad guys so they’re doing the opposite when they’re telling the audience they suck. Miz deflects a kick so Morrison can use the momentum to kick Miz with the other foot. Morrison tries a Reverse Suplex off the top but Miz lands on him coming down and it doesn’t matter as here comes Big Daddy V. The Miz takes a Big Titty Slam and Morrison gets Samoan Dropped as we go off the air.

Winner: No contest (Time-filling match and nothing more.)

Overall: Weird they never mentioned the city once. Is Birmingham that low on the totem pole in the world of WWE? Oh and they kept on referring to it as the United Kingdom, which is technically correct but sounded like they didn’t know where the fuck they were so went with the safe option. The handicap match took up the half the show but the build for Cyber Sunday is always dire as WWE abandons all pretence of traditional wrestling hype and turns into all-out-shill because of the interactivity and the matches WWE wants you to want that it becomes un-fun to watch.

So yeah, slightly interesting episode featuring all of the ECW wrestlers WWE could fit into the gab in the overhead storage.

I’ve been Maffew, new Botchamania tomorrow. If you’re bored until then, wait five minutes and Scott Keith will have a new Mae Young Classic review out.