We’re in Minneapolis, MN and Armando Estrada proudly introduces us to the new ECW Champion: CM Punk. Punk recognises Armando’s brown-nosing and gifts him the new CM Punk shirt (the one that looked like a bunch of tattoos). Armando puts it on, thanks Punk and introduces his opponent this Sunda–OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT ELIJAH BURKE AGAIN.
Well if you were expecting a fun write-up, don’t bother clicking the ”more” bit.
Burke reminds us that he let Punk into The New Breed months ago because he knew he’d be champ one day. Burke prods him so Punk kicks him out the ring and Burks leaves. So the guy Punk’s beaten a dozen times on TV looks even more like a world-beater. It’s the ECW on Sci-Fi version of Warrior vs. Rude at Summerslam 1990.
The Miz vs. Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer pounds away to start as I realise how similar Miz’s 2007 theme was to Batista’s. Miz uses the ropes to give Dreamer a stunner and a slingshot for two. Superplex by Dreamer because Tommy’s required to hurt his back every match. Dreamer follows with a slingshot of his own and the ”E-gasp-C-pant-W-wheeze” Tree of Woe. Reverse DDT looks to win but Miz gets his foot on the rope. Miz tries to get a Dirty Pin with the ropes but the ref spots it. Doesn’t matter as Dreamer misses a charge and Miz nails the Reality Check.
Winner: The Miz (Miz looked not-shit here.)
Post-match Kelly Kelly looks unhappy but goes along with the rest of the crew anyway.
Dramatic hype video for Big Daddy V vs. Boogeyman next week. It worked, I’m hyped. V gets one line which is ”WHO’S YOUR DADDY???”
Long vid teaches you how to vote in this year’s 2007 Diva Search, which was won by Eve Torres. Also involved are future backstage interviewer Lena Yada and future ECW on Sci-Fi GM & TNA Knockouts Champ Taryn Terrell.
Fun Fact: Lena Yada is married to the frontman of Disturbed. OK, it’s not that fun but it’s still more interesting than this episode.
Kelly Kelly bumps into Balls Mahoney backstage. He hands her a teddy bear and they nearly kiss but she leaves. I hate this but the crowd is reacting to it. Ah what do they know, they’re drunk.
Matt Striker vs. Nunzio
Big pop for Nunzio because he’s not Elijah Burke. Nunzio gets a few shots but Striker rolls him up quickly.
Winner: Matt Striker (Oh.)
Big Daddy V wanders in and flattens Nunzio because V is the best thing about the show. Boogeyman scares V with a pre-taped video where he sings Humpty Dumpty and eats worms. Fuck Punk vs. Burke, this should have been at Unforgiven. Hell, fuck Undertaker this should have headlined.
Recap of Vince’s son reveal.
Later JBL would reveal Hornswoggle was actually Finlay’s kid and this would never be brought up again. This won the Gooker Award for 2007 but at least it had people talking about how bad the TV was rather than how bad things were in the company. Remember kids, the best remedy for a headache is a kick to the shin.
Balls Mahoney vs. Mike Knox
Oh wonderful, the worst wrestler on the roster returns after months of not being missed. BALLS BALLS BALLS punches until Knox uses his girth to tackle Balls down. Kelly is shown watching the match upset, like all of us. After a chinlock, Balls lands a backdrop and gets ready to finish but Miz distracts him and Knox wins with a big boot.
Winner: Mike Knox (Wonderful, Knox has returned and he’s obtained Snitsky’s finisher like the shittiest, hairiest Kirby ever. Nothing stood out here apart from no-one making mention of Kelly’s history with Mike Knox which was for the best.)
Lots of hype videos for Unforgiven. The Undertaker’s return didn’t make much sense to me at the time as he was only gone a few months and yet him vs. Mark Henry got the majority of hype and main event slot, but it makes sense now because he was one of the few big guys to not be injured or failing piss tests.
CM Punk & Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn & Elijah Burke
Why couldn’t Burke fail a piss test instead? Punk and Burke start us off with a manly shoving contest. Punk kicks him around so he tags out and Punk has better things to do than wrestle Thorn so in comes Richards who also kicks his opponent around. Richards locks in the Stevie Stretch so Burke interferes to give Thorn the advantage. Richards takes the Torture Rack Backbreaker which should be a finisher for a better guy. Burke teases the Outer Limitz elbow but instead stomps Stevie. Huh. Burke misses the Elijah Express and Punk comes in a like tee-total house of fire. Running Knee/Bulldog combo lands on Thorn, Burke tries to interject but he’s crap and Punk finishes Thorn with the GTS.
Winners: CM Punk & Stevie Richards (This was a passable main event thanks to the loud, pro-Punk crowd but this was a shite way of hyping the already no-heat Punk vs. Burke match at Unforgiven. Burke couldn’t even get a win over Stevie?)
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke (ECW Title)
Last week I said ”the idea was probably to have Punk vs. Morrison at Unforgiven” but the fact we have this one-week hyped match with a promo package for Punk beating Morrison means I’m changing that to ”the idea was 200% fact was to have Punk vs. Morrison at Unforgiven.” Burke doesn’t even get an entrance! Crowd is thankfully pro-Punk as this match is opening the show rather than cooling down the crowd after a match that matters. Mat-wrestling to start with Punk getting the advantage. That turns into fisticuffs with Punk winning that one too. Punk knocks some of Burke’s Wisdom Beads out of his hair and kicks him right in the spine.
Joey: ”What does that do to your pscyche to get hit in the back like that?”
Tazz: ”I don’t know about your psyche, but it hurts.”
Punk works over Burke’s back until Burke knocks him off the top rope and shoves him on his head. Burke kicks and stretches Punk and maybe I’m looking into this too much, but Punk doesn’t look like he’s in a selling mood. Punk escapes the hold, nails the Running Knee/Bulldog combo and a springboard clothesline for two. Burke escapes outside and throws Punk off the apron when he follows. Burke locks in a Boston Crab as both men wait for the CM Punk chants to kick in. They don’t so Punk hypes up the selling. ”Nooo!!! Ahhhh!!!” and still nothing. Burke delivers the Multiple Germans for whatever fucking reason, can’t think of anyone note-worthy associated with that move. STO gets two and Burke locks in an interesting looking hold.
Crowd still aren’t chanting for Punk. Burke punches him and as the commentators gush over his boxing background, Punk rolls him up to end this.
Winner and still ECW Champion: CM Punk (I’m a big Punk fan but he didn’t make Burke look like a credible threat (and neither did WWE). Punk had two stretches of getting beat up and the crowd didn’t buy Burke as a possible winner because he didn’t make him look like a possible winner. Then again, why would you bother trying to make Burke look credible when he’s introduced as And His Opponent Already In The Ring? Skippable filler match as ECW on Sci-Fi didn’t have anyone ready to wrestle Punk after Morrison’s suspension.)
Overall: Burke gets a title shot, Knox returned, no Big Daddy V match. Skip everything and watch next week’s V vs. Boogey match.
No Botchamania this week due to no-one botching and there was nothing worth GIFing so here’s Bobby Walker to fill all needs.