The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–07.05.93

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – July 5 1993

– Live from New York.

– Your hosts are Vince, Bobby and “Macho Patriot” Randy Savage. Is that like the Iron Patriot?

– We immediately return to the USS Intrepid on July 4, as Yokozuna challenges all the weak and stupid Americans to try to slam him. Football player Lee Rouson can’t even get him up. Bob Backlund gives up early. Peter Taglianetti from the Penguins? Nothing. Basketballer Scott Burrell gives up without an attempt. Scott Steiner’s one attempt goes nowhere. Tatanka gives it a good go by chopping him first, but he ends up getting superkicked and squashed. Bill Fralic gets a leg up, but nothing else. Crush seems to be the great Technicolor hope, but only gets him halfway up. Randy Savage is the last hope for America, but this is his post-steroid phase, so he’s got nothing. So that’s it, no one slams Yokozuna and the country is humiliated.

BUT WAIT! IT’S A HELICOPTER! With Lex Luger on board, for some reason now a patriot instead of a narcissist. But such is the world of pro wrestling, where you from lumberjack one week to clown the next without much rhyme or reason. And yes, he uses the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH and slams the champion, which pretty much ended up being the high point of his whole stupid push. Now really, while someone like Hulk Hogan could draw anywhere because the character held universal appeal, Luger was pretty much guaranteed to only get over in the US just because of the limitations of his new “character”.

Blake Beverly v. 1-2-3 Kid

Kid’s got real tights and music now. Blake bitchslaps him down, but Kid dropkicks Blake out of the ring and follows with a baseball slide. Back in, and he gets a dropkick for two. Enzuigiri gets two. Blake comes back with a powerslam and a standing neckbreaker. Kid then takes a sick bump as Blake suplexes him onto the turnbuckles, backfirst. They brawl on the floor, and back in for a headbutt from Blake. He follows by pressing Kid onto the floor. Back in, it’s an Oklahoma Stampede for two. Kid comes back, but a blind charge hits the turnbuckle. Blake lets him think about it and then puts him down with a clothesline before tossing him again. Kid comes back with another crazy dive to the floor, but he hurts himself and Blake takes over again in the ring. Blake goes up, but misses a flying splash, allowing Kid to finish with a top rop legdrop at 9:00. Some crazy stuff here for what it was. **3/4

Bam Bam Bigelow v. Joey Maggs

Aww. I didn’t expect to see a double-death match on this show so early. Bammer squashes with a pair of avalanches and flying headbutt at 0:41.

Samu v. Undertaker

I don’t like Samu’s chances here. It’s like I used to tell my clients during my short-lived and spectacularly unsuccessful wrestling bookmaking period in the 90s1, “Samoans against zombies is a bad match for the island people. In fact, wrestling the undead in general is a bad bet.” They trade power stuff and completely blow a leapfrog spot, as Taker trips over him in mid-air. He comes back with a drop toehold, and Samu bails for advice from Afa. That advice: “Have lots of kids that you can train in the business, then stay on good terms with the WWE so they all get jobs no matter how shitty they are.” No, I’m making that up, he actually just headbutts Samu and sends him back in. Taker goes old school (or elementary school given the time period), but misses the leaping clothesline and hits the floor. He still doesn’t sell it, but Samu attacks from behind and Afa beats him down. He still does a zombie sit-up on the floor as we take a break. Back with the Samoans throwing him into the stairs, and back in for two. Taker keeps sitting up, and lands on his feet when Samu clotheslines him out. And now he’s had enough, as he runs Samu into the steel post WITH AUTHORITY, but misses an elbow. He’s still sitting up, though, and no-sells Samu’s sideslam and pair of diving headbutts. Chokeslam and tombstone finish at 7:20. It was what it was. *1/2

1For the sarcasm-impaired, I was never a bookmaker. As far as the government needs to know.2

2For the extremely sarcasm-impaired, that was also a joke.

Yokozuna joins us so that Mr. Fuji can DECRY the “slam heard around the world”, as it was apparently a HIPTOSS and thus doesn’t count. Does that mean we don’t have to endure Luger’s endless push, too? Crush comes out to stand up for America and take Yoko up on his boast of an open contract, and that actually sets up a pretty awesome bit of business in the future if I remember correctly how stuff went down. So next week: Yokozuna v. Crush for the WWF title!

Mr. Perfect v. Brian Costello

We’ve got two minutes left so this should move pretty quick. Perfect gets a dropkick off a criss-cross and they brawl on the floor, and back in for some chops from Perfect. And now you’re gonna see a Perfectplex at 0:56.

Next week: Yokozuna defends against Crush!