Let’s take a look at the relevant news from Powerslam Magazine before we watch this episode because WWE’s reputation was declining quicker than Rickety Cricket in Always Sunny:
Eugene and Daniel Rodimer have been released. Eugene continues to live off the gimmick, Rodimer left wrestling completely. Cryme Tyme have been fired after a weird incident at a house show where they ”went into business for themselves” in a match with Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. Apparently Cryme Tyme gave comments that were construed as being threatening to their opponents prior to the match, they then got accidentally counted out (this is when refs were ultra-strict with the rules) and finished the night by attacking the referee. They’d get re-hired next year once Vince had calmed down. WWE announced they’re going to test for weed as part of the wellness policy and in unrelated news, Kendrick & London lost the tag titles to Cade & Murdoch.
In the saddest news of all, The Sandman has been released. He had a place on ECW On Sci-Fi with Dreamer and Balls as the Dad’s Army of Extreme and would usually get a big pop (before he started wrestling) but it was a bad joke to have him drafted to Raw where he lost nearly every match and had an awful Singapore Cane On A Pole bout with Carlito at Great American Bash. Even back in 2007 WWE were bringing up talents from the third brand and fucking them. His sole highlight on Raw was getting stuck on the reveal for Vince’s son storyline where he accidentally met every requirement in the game of Guess Who they were playing and stayed until the end.
DON’T QUESTION MY HEART we’re live in Albany, NY and Morrison opens the show with the JoMo SloMo entrance. ”I know you all want my body more than you want my words so pay attention.” Morrison talks about the four-way dance tonight and runs down all the challengers. ”Sorry Miz, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. And I’m not talking about the actions you perform on yourself in the shower.” When he comes to Punk, Morrison says ”You don’t do drugs, you don’t drink and you don’t chew tobacco…and you don’t win titles either do you?” Morrison poses to finish. JoMo was on top-form here.
Kevin Thorn The Fucking Loser vs. Stevie Richards
Thorn is 3-0 against Stevie. Thorn plodingly works over Richards, making sure to mess with his throat because of the surgery he had years ago. After five minutes of plod, Thorn tries a Crucifix Powerbomb but Richards wriggles out and takes a clothesline. Richards gets a Codebreaker after Thorn stopped to taunt and gets a near-fall after some kicks. Thorn nails a Torture Rack Backbreaker which should have been a finisher for a better guy. Original Sin Elevated Neckbreaker ends it.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (So he loses the first three but wins the fourth. He’s an undead shite Juan Manuel Márquez. No idea where this is going or if it’s going anywhere but the initial buzz of Richards winning is gone now.)
Balls and Miz talk crap backstage as the girls all insult him but Kelly wishes him good luck. Big BALLS chants from the crowd during this, so at least someone’s enjoying these.
Armando Estrada offers Morrison a cigar backstage but Punk walks in and eats some cantaloupe. He gets in Morrison’s face and dares him to do anything before strutting away. ”He has some serious daddy issues.” Wrong choice of words there JoMo, even the bigots are having daddy issues with you walking around shirtless.
Balls Mahoney vs. Eiljah Burke
These two stunk the joint out last week so of course we’re getting a rematch. Balls Mahoney is guest-starring on the finale of Who Wants To Be A Superhero. Uh-huh. Balls pounds Burke around for a bit until Balls gets distracted by Kelly Kelly cheering him on at ringside and Burke takes over. Burke goes through his exciting array of chinlocks while the crowd chants for Balls. BALLS BALLS BALLS punches collides and Mahoney looks to finish with the Nutcracker Suite but Burke gets his foot on the ropes. Balls tries a Top Rope Leg Drop but Burke turns it into a Superplex and finishes with the Elijah Express.
Winner: Elijah Burke (No wonder Burke had a thousand matches with Punk, at least those matches were good. Balls and Burke gelled together as well as Jim Norton and Opie.)
Miz announces to the crowd that Balls lost the match but Kelly checks on him.
The Miz vs. Big Daddy V vs. CM Punk vs. The Boogeyman (Number One Contender’s Match)
Thankfully someone realised Boogeyman is only good in squashes or multi-man matches. Everyone tries to stop V but he’s BIG DADDY V so it’s like fighting Mongo from Blazing Saddles. Also Boogeyman takes a crazy untrained bump over the ropes:
V avalanches Punk in the corner and gives a Spinebuster to Miz. Boogeyman strolls in but Miz drags him out and the crowd boo being denied Boogeyman vs. V. Big Daddy responds by treating Punk like Spike Dudley:
V puts Miz & Punk over the guard-rail and pushes one of the security guys (who looks to see who it was, spots Big Daddy and does nothing). He tries to squash Miz and Punk but sails over the guard-rail and splats onto the cement instead, fuck. Punk gets sent into the steel steps and Boogey is knocked off the apron as Miz takes over the match. Crowd aren’t booing him much though. Punk misses a leg-drop so Miz gives him an armbar as Tazz expresses his surprise at Miz getting a chance to do that move with no-one stopping him in a four-way. Running Knee/Bulldog gets two, GTS connects, Punk wins.
Winner: CM Punk (Like V, that was a ton of fun. Flat finish aside, there was a lot of big dumb action here with the only negative being Miz unable to get the boos you’d think he’d be getting. That wouldn’t last long.)
Overall: Long Morrison promo and a fun main event make this an easy recommendation, as long as you skip the middle. Oh, wait there was another big bit of news from Powerslam:
Fin Martin details the lies WWE were putting out to save face after steroids were found in Benoit’s house and toxicology reports revealed elevated testosterone levels. WWE attempted to confuse things by placing ”testosterone” and ”anabolic steroids” in two separate categories and posted on their site that Benoit had ”tested positive for testosterone and negative for anabolic steroids.” They even had Cena go on Larry King Live and say ”Benoit tested clean for all anabolic steroids.” Then Ken Kennedy did the rounds.
On Fox News’ On The Record, Kennedy blasted the media for misrepresenting the wellness policy then declared the tests were for 4:1 testosterone to epitestosterone levels when they were 10:1. Then when interviewed by The Sun, he blasted Marc Mero for using Benoit to exploit his own profile and claimed the old ”rock star” era that Mero was part of was long gone. When asked if Kennedy did steroids, he replied he had but stopped after the Wellness Policy in Feb 2006 and ”knew that having a job with the WWE was way more important than the ten pounds of extra muscle that the steroids gave me.”
On August 14th, the Albany District Attorney’s office presented WWE with a List of 14 employees who had purchased steroids or HGH (or both) from Signature Pharmacy. Here’s the list:
Ken Kennedy purchased the steroids anastrozole and testosterone and the HGH somatropin between October 2007 and February 2007.
Chavo Guerrero purchased the steroids nandrolone, anastrozole and somatropin between April 2005 and May 2006.
Edge (who declared he was ”clean as a whistle” months earlier) purchased the steroid stanozolol and the HGH somatropin and genotropin between September 2004 and February 2007.
Gregory Helms (who had also blasted Mero on his website) purchased testosterone, nandrolone and genotropin between November 2003 and February 2007.
Umaga purchased somatropin between July 2006 and December 2006.
William Regal purchased stanozolol, anastrozole, somatropin and genotropin between November 2004 and November 2006.
Randy Orton purchased nandrolone, stanozolol and HGH somatropin between September 2004 and February 2007.
Fuanki purchased somatropin in March 2006.
John Morrison (the ECW Champion) bought anastrozole, testosterone, stanozolol, somatropin and chorionic gonadotropin between June 2006 and February 2007.
Also listed were Booker T, Santino Marella, Simon Dean, Charlie Haas and Sylvain Greiner as purchasers of steroids and/or HGH as well as Benoit, Gurrero and Crush (who hadn’t wrestled since 2003 and had died in 2006).
WWE reacted by firing Grenier and Dean. Kennedy, Guerrero, Edge, Helms, Umaga, Funaki, Regal and Haas were written out of storylines and suspended for thirty days. (Edge and Helms were out injured during this time anyway). For Kennedy this meant losing out on being McMahon’s son which made him two for two in aborted pushes after having to drop MITB earlier in the year. Shame about Kennedy, if only there was a drug-free guy on the roster WWE could have used instead. Chris Masters was also suspended because look at him. King Booker quit when he found out he was to be suspended, also unhappy about getting annihilated by Triple H at Summerslam.
Orton and Marella went unpunished. Orton being suspended would have meant WWE would have lost one of the biggest matches at Unforgiven. God knows why Santino received no punishment, he wasn’t even booked on the PPV.
So what happens to Morrison? You’ll have to find out next week when he defends his title against CM Punk (but take a fucking guess).