The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–06.14.93

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – June 14 1993

– Live from New York.

– Your hosts are Vince, Bobby and Macho.

– Random thoughts before we start:

1. I’m thinking of recreating the star rating system after tonight’s So You Think You Can Dance, with ***** on top, DUD at the bottom, negative stars for truly offensive crimes against humanity, and then if something is REALLY bad, “Katie Holmes”.  (Wow, the time period when I was actually watching that show…that’s a pretty specific and short timespan.) 

2. So I won a PSP at a work BBQ a couple of weeks back, and I absolutely love it. Smackdown vs RAW 2009 is a surprisingly fun game, annoying control issues aside, but I’m frustrated by the limited number of CAW layers available, which means that I can’t create a really badass 1987 Macho Man to kick the shit out of HHH in a “She was (allegedly) mine before she was yours” grudge match or a really good Brock Lesnar for a “I drew more money in 15 minutes of work than 75% of the WWE roster did during the whole fiscal year” showdown with John Cena. Oh well, there’s always No Mercy 64 to go back to.  (I still play the PSP occasionally, although the battery is so long dead that “portable” isn’t really an accurate description for it any longer.  Found a hell of an SNES emulator for it, though.) 

3. Don’t forget to check out my new column, “Seven Things in Wrestling That Bug The Crap Out Of Me”, in the new Pro Wrestling Press magazine, available for FREE right now at www.thewrestlingpress.com(That website and magazine are long gone, just an archived link to the last update in 2011.) 

4. RAW is finally coming back to Western Canada, as they hit Calgary on August 10 and I figured, what the hell, I might as well go. So look for a live report, although I don’t get The Score so don’t look for a TV report. Hopefully I don’t run afoul of Shane McMahon this time.  (I completely didn’t remember this show at all, but I checked the results and it turns out that this was the god-awful episode with Sgt. Slaughter guest-hosting and Shawn Michaels superkicking the little girl in the kitchen while working as a short-order cook.  I was actually on a business trip for work and decided at the last minute to go while I was in the city. Complete waste of time.) 

OK, we’re good now.

– So it’s the night after King of the Ring, and a quick look at Yokozuna standing triumphant over Hulk Hogan is basically the last we’ll see or hear of the Hulkster on WWF TV for the next 9 years. The times they are a changin’.

Mr. Perfect v. L.A. Gore

Gore tries to get some offense in, but Perfect dropkicks him out of the ring, while Heenan is in his glory describing the defeat of Hulk Hogan. Back in, Perfect throws chops in the corner and follows with the necksnap, and now you’re gonna yada yada at 2:33.

Razor Ramon ups his offer to the 1-2-3 Kid to $10,000, as now Randy Savage is putting Ramon over as a great athlete instead of a scumbag. And you know this is a legit offer, because it’s a big sack with dollar signs and “10,000” written on it. Do they issue those at banks? Because they really should.

Doink the Clown v. Marty Jannetty

Doink attacks in the corner to start, but Marty slugs back and gets a sloppy faceplant for two. He goes to the armbar, but Doink chops out and puts him down with a shoulderblock. Marty evades a kneelift and gets two, however, and goes back to the armbar. And we take a break. Back with Marty applying another armbar and working the arm, but Doink tosses him for a quick brawl on the floor. Back in, Marty comes off the top with a bodypress for two, but Doink powerslams him. Doink goes with a crossface chickenwing, but that goes nowhere and he hits him with a backdrop suplex. Doink actually does some nice mat wrestling, stretching Marty with a sugar hold, and then he goes up with the WHOOPIE CUSHION~! That move got infinitely lamer once he turned babyface and started using it as a finish. Anyway, that gets two. Doink with the Hangman’s Neckbreaker, speaking of cool moves, and he drops down for two. Doink pounds the arm again and goes up, which allows Marty to slam him off and make the comeback. Dropkick and snap suplex gets two. Clothesline gets two. Faceplant gets two, but they tumble to the floor and brawl to a double countout at 8:40. Well at least Marty didn’t jump RIGHT into jobbing again. Quite an entertaining match. ***1/4

Owen Hart v. Dan Dubiel

Another crack at a singles push for Owen begins. He works the arm to start while Vince converses with 1-2-3 Kid via the phone. Kind of funny bit as Vince asks what the people of Japan think of Yokozuna’s win and Kid goes “Oh yeah, he won the belt!” and Vince corrects him “Yes, he’s the CHAMPION” because of course “belt” is a bad word. And then Kid says “Yeah, people were happy to see him win the belt” again, which had to be driving Vince nuts. Owen finishes Dubiel with a missile dropkick and northern lights suplex at 3:45 as Kid finally accepts Razor’s challenge.

Undertaker v. PJ Walker

From Superstars for some reason. UT chokes Walker out in the corner and flattens him with a big boot, and the chokeslam kills him dead at 1:08. Sadly, Giant Gonzalez and Mr. Hughes head out and do a Katie Holmes-level beatdown on him and (say it with me) steal the urn. You almost have to feel bad for Undertaker in the 90s, getting stuck with whatever lump they were overpaying that week.

Jerry Lawler v. Mark Thomas

The King is wearing Bret’s pink-and-black robe from the night before, kicking off their LOOOOOONG running feud. Lawler pounds away in the corner and puts Thomas down with a clothesline, but misses a fistdrop. Meanwhile, Bobby Heenan announces that Yokozuna will be hosting a competition on July 4 to see which great American hero can slam him. Lawler stalls and yells at the front row to kill time, allowing Thomas to come back with a backdrop, but the piledriver finishes at 3:47.

Next week: Marty Jannetty v. Doink in a 2/3 falls match!