State of WWE right now:
We’re in Phoenix, AZ and the intro has returned to This Is Extreme by Harry Slash so that kills any more Manson discussion. Maybe someone paid attention to the lyrics and realised a song with the theme of staleness wasn’t appropriate. John Morrison is here to call himself The Portal To The Infinite. You people have the choice to conform or follow him to Earthly Paradise. He offers another 15 Minutes Of Fame challenge and insults some local sports team guys. Doesn’t get much of a pop so they couldn’t have been that local. Don’t worry, he’s found the best athlete he can find in Arizona and it’s…an unimpressive-looking Joey Ryan.
JoMo asks him if he’s ready to ride the abyss and get his fifteen minutes of fame, Ryan says ”yeahhhh!” soon as the ref rings the bell, Morrison knees him low.
John Morrison vs. Unimpressive Looking Joey Ryan (Fifteen Minutes Of Fame match)
Corkscrew neckbreaker, pin.
Winner: John Morrison (”I just beat Arizona’s best!”)
Shaman of Sexy challenges anyone to a another match, even Arizona’s second best athlete. Tommy Dreamer comes out to answer that challenge which is the last time anyone called Dreamer an athlete. Elijah Burke shows up to let us know Dreamer’s fifteen YEARS past his prime so Burke should get a shot. CM Punk wanders out because he has to go wherever Burke goes. Punk knows Morrison said he wasn’t giving him another title shot so he offers a Title Shot vs. No Title Shot Ever again match. Morrison goes ”naaah.”
JoMo decides he’s far too tired after wrestling such a gruelling match so he tells the three men in the ring to have a match tonight and he’ll get the winner next week. Good segment as ECW looks more and more like a real show. Everyone bickers and pulls faces until the break.
Stevie Richards vs. Kevin Thorn
Stevie got the surprise win last week so an unhappy Thorn dominates while pulling bugger faces. Thorn breaks Richards over his back Bane-style but doesn’t go for the pin, preferring to work over Stevie’s back. Thorn locks in a Torture Rack and waits until Stevie tries to escape before crunching down. OK, that was the coolest thing I’ve seen Thorn ever do. It only gets two as he’s too busy scowling. Thorn tries something in the corner but Stevie rams him into the steel post and GETS A SCHOOLBOY FOR THE SECOND FLUKE IN A ROW.
Winner: Stevie Richards (Thorn looked better in defeat then he did months earlier winning squashes. Crowd weren’t as loud as they were last week but they still cheered for Stevie winning again.)
Big Daddy V vs. Brandon Gatson, Jeff Michaels & John Mason
Gatson would have a fun run in PWG years later, Michaels was a Fusion Pro guy and Mason retired the year after this. Yes, it’s three on one. Gatson gets press slammed onto the other two, and they all get fucked up thanks to slams and headlock takedowns. All three men get squished in the corner until V plants a Black Titty Slam on two of them and pins the pile of men like a Hieronymus Bosch painting.
Winner: Big Daddy V (V’s squashes are all action, I love them. I hope they keep adding wrestlers every week and he’s wrestling ten men by next month.)
As soon as Taz shouts ”can anyone stop this man???” The Boogeyman wanders out. V doesn’t seem keen on wrestling him so he leaves. I don’t blame V.
Extreme Expose dance to The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson (I guess that was the only artist they could get to associate with WWE right now. Next week they’ll be dancing to I’m the Leader of the Gang.) Miz brags about being a chick magnet so he’s definitely a bad guy after a few shaky weeks of uncertainty. Balls Mahoney resembles that remark so we have a match.
The Miz vs. Balls Mahoney
Balls gets a chinlock but Miz uses momentum to send him out the ring. Balls works over Miz for a while before getting the BALLS BALLS BALLS and landing the Nutcracker Suite, which only gets two as Miz grabs the ropes. Miz immediately recovers and slams Balls’ head on the turnbuckle to land the Mizard of Oz combo for three.
Winner: The Miz (Quick inoffensive match to keep Miz on the train to credibility town.)
Promo package for Dreamer airs, being the only man to have highlights of his career mostly him getting beat up. Burke gets a chance to talk but doesn’t say much but sounds good saying nothing.
Hype package for WWE’s return, with the Six Million Dollar Man ”We can make him stronger” theme. A Lex Luger-style METAL QUADS gimmick would have been £££ (three quid).
CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke vs. Tommy Dreamer
Fuck me ragged, Punk vs. Burke again. Prometheus vs. eagle didn’t happen as often as this. Dreamer and Punk start as Burke waits outside, Punk gets a quick-roll up so Burke joins in. Suplex on Burke by Dreamer so Punk hits Burke with a Slingshot somersault senton. The pace has been quick as hell so far. Burke sends Dreamer outside and nails Punk with a low elbow, causing Punk to tell the cameraman ”wow that hurt.” Years later and I’m still laughing, unsure if he wasn’t expecting the move or if he was being sarcastic, Punk was dry (well obviously).
Burke puts him in a headlock until Punk back body drops him and begins the kicking process. Punk sends him into the corner but gets dumped outside on a charge so Dreamer re-enters and bulldogs Burke for two. Crowd went ”awww” on the kick-out so it must have been a hell of a bulldog. Burke with a STO as the crowd chant for tables. Burke gets the Outer Limitz Elbow with a long hang-time but Punk pulls him off (so to speak) Dreamer and sends him into the steps. Punk gets a Sunset Flip for two so he sends Dreamer outside and knocks both men down with a Suicide Dive. It’s been all action so far. Punk gets two off a small package attempt and here’s Dreamer to give Punk a back body drop for two. Punk wants a back drop of his own but Dreamer turns it into a DDT but Burke halts the pin. Burke starts kicking the hell out of both men. Tazz: ”What a way to spend a Tuesday night!” Dreamer tries for the rarely-seen Texas Cloverleaf but Burke gets the rope. Dreamer ignores him and drags him to the middle of the ring but Punk kicks Tommy in the back of his John McCarthy-looking head. Punk doesn’t get the pin off a Double Underhook Into Backbreaker so he puts Burke on top. Dreamer interrupts and so Dreamer Superplexes Burke as Punk powerbombs Burke. Crowd explodes for that and for Dreamer’s kick-out. Punk looks annoyed. He hits the Running Knee to Burke but butts heads with Dreamer on the Bulldog. That sends Dreamer outside and enables Punk to hit the GTS for the hot win.
Winner: CM Punk (All action, no rest match that I wasn’t expecting after a million Burke/Punk matches with only one good one. Crowd had been OK noise-wise all night but went nuts over this, good times.)
Overall: Well it may have been shit-in-your-hand-and-clap time for WWE but ECW on Sci-Fi had it’s second fun week in a row. We have Morrison vs. Punk as the main feud, V vs. Boogey underneath and rising stars like Miz gaining credibility and Thorn losing repeatedly. Everyone wins!