The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–02.01.93

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – February 1 1993

– Live from New York

– Your hosts are Vince & Rob & Macho

Tatanka v. Damian Demento

Tatanka gets a quick rollup for two, but Damian pounds away. Tatanka clotheslines him out of the ring, where Damian has a quick conversation with the voices in his head. Back in, Tatanka chops him down again, but Damian clotheslines him out of the corner and stomps away. Legdrop gets two. We hit the chinlock as Bartlett goes to the “Tatanka/Tonka” pun. How much longer do I have to endure this guy? Tatanka fights up, but runs into a boot, then makes the PISSED OFF NATIVE AMERICAN STEREOTYPE comeback. Papoose to Go finishes at 4:05. If only the voices in Demento’s head could have cut a promo, he might have been a bigger star. 1/2*

Brutus Beefcake returns to the WWF to a big pop, announcing that he’s ready to start wrestling again. But first he gives the most depressing story possible, as he talks about his mother dying from cancer, then his father dying from heartbreak, then his wife leaving him, before finally suffering the accident that smashed his face up. And then 15 years later he ended up on Hulk Hogan’s Celebrity Championship Wrestling, so it’s not like things got any better for him. But luckily, after the accident he looked to the sky and felt the healing touch of the big man upstairs…Hulk Hogan. Some people find Jesus, some find Hulkamania, I guess.

Hall of Famer Koko B. Ware & Non Hall of Famer Owen Hart v. Iron Mike Sharpe & Skull Von Crush

Despite having a perfectly awesome wrestling name as a jobber, Von Crush ended up as Big Vito years later. High Energy works over Sharpe in the corner and then adds a double-backdrop for Von Crush, setting up a missile dropkick from Koko into a rollup from Owen for the pin at 1:30. 1/2*

Typhoon v. Doink the Clown

This is apparently the match we’ve all been waiting for. While watching a replay of the Doink attack on Crush, Savage notes that “the word on the street is that the fake arm was filled with lead.” I can assure you that no one on the street in 1993 was talking about Doink’s fake arm, let alone the metallurgical composition of it. I’m also pretty sure that if you did beat someone over the head with a foot-long solid lead fake arm, it would be first-degree murder and not just a silly wrestling angle. Doink quickly takes Typhoon down with an armbar and then trips him up with a single-leg takedown and goes to a front facelock, back in the days when he gave a shit. Typhoon powers out of it, so Doink out-wrestles him again. Typhoon finally escapes with a powerslam, but misses an avalanche and Doink clotheslines him for the pin at 3:11, using the tights. “He gave him a wedgie”, notes Bartlett. Well that one lived up to expectations, and then some. 1/2*

– And now, a moment to remember Andre the Giant, who died a few days before this.

Yokozuna v. Bobby DeVito

Slam, legdrop and the jobber is pretty much dead already. Yoko wallops him in the corner and adds the running butt splash, then finishes with the Banzai Drop at 2:00. DUD

Money Inc. join us to throw out a challenge to Brutus Beefcake. If he wants to wrestle again so badly, they’re willing. In fact, IRS points out that since he was unemployed and hospitalized, he probably wasn’t even paying any taxes! Jimmy Hart points out that beating on a crippled guy might be crossing a line and tries to talk them out of this path.

The Narcissist v. Jason Knight

HA! Jason Knight essentially ripped off the whole Narcissist gimmick when he moved to ECW as Jason the Sexiest Man Alive. Luger clotheslines him out of the corner and flexes a lot, then finishes with the powerslam and STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH at 2:25.

Next week: Brutus Beefcake v. Ted Dibiase!

Man, even with crappy squashes, this show just feels so fresh and fun compared to today.