Another ECW on Sci-Fi, another dramatic recap of Lashley getting beat up by The McMahons and Umaga on Raw. This one turns into a Cannon Films production as Shane escapes by jumping on top of a limo as it drives away, only for Lashley to turn around and get struck down by Vince McNinja.
We’re in Baltimore, Maryland (where they make cookies). Vince talks to the crowd via ”Satellite Studios” to inform everyone he hates wearing a skullet and blames Lashley for losing his hair at Wrestlemania. He makes the main event The New Breed vs. Lashley handicap match. Even pre-taped Vince is so hammy you could make a sandwich out of him.
Rob Van Dam vs. Snitsky
Surely Big Snit isn’t going to pin RVD, the most popular guy on the roster? Snitsky slowly slams and pounds away as RVD has to forget how to wrestle in order for Snitsky to look dominant. ”Snitsky is pure evil!” bellows Styles as he gives RVD a vertical suplex like any other wrestler. After several minutes of this, Snitsky misses a charge in the corner so RVD gives him a flying kick off the top. He misses a second but collides with a windmill kick. RVD misses Rolling Thunder and Snitsky ends up outside. RVD follows him and gets clotheslined and Snitsky flips out so he smashes a chair over RVD’s head for the DQ.
Winner via DQ: Rob Van Dam (They don’t mention the decision in an attempt to make Snitsky look good in defeat but no-one in the crowd is buying Snitsky as a monster bad guy as they remain bored-silent during his matches.)
CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards
Again, he’s called Stevie by the ring announcer but his graphic says Steven. He also responds to ”Benoit.” Punk has the DDP taped ribs after last week so he sticks to using kicks so he doesn’t hurt himself. Doesn’t take long for Stevie to kick his tapes off. Stevie dominates as the crowd boos as they actually like Punk. He locks Punk in a Bow & Arrow but Punk slips out and tries to pin Stevie. Stevie responds by double-stomping Punk’s ribs like Low Ki. Stevie tries to remove Punk’s tattoos with his elbow and mocks Punk.
Stevie misses a charge in the corner so severely he ends up crotch-first stuck in the corner. Punk uses this to neckbreaker Stevie but only gets two. Running Knee in the corner is supposed to set up the Bulldog, but Stevie dropkicks Punk so hard he flies into the turnbuckles instead. Stevie sets up a Tornado DDT but spends too long mocking Punk, so CM turns it into a GTS for the win.
Winner: CM Punk (Fabulous match here, Richards was like Davey Richards mauling Punk and crowd were behind Punk the whole time.)
The New Breed are watching TV backstage and Burke reminds them they have to win and Matt Striker sucks because he lost to The Major Bros.
Kevin Thorn vs. Nunzio
Oh no, don’t tell me we’re back to Thorn squash matches? His career has gone back a year. Thorn bounces him around for a few minutes, Nunzio teases an upset after a top rope dropkick, Thorn finishes with the rope-elevated neckbreaker.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Thanks for giving me a few minutes to check Twitter. In fairness, Thorn’s moves were a lot smoother than they were twelve months ago. But the crowd didn’t give a fuck and why would they? No feuds, got kicked out of New Breed for being crap and beating a guy half his size.)
Some WWE wrestlers are brought in to talk about The Condemned.
Extreme Expose dance to Justin Timberlake then we get another look at the recap video of Lashley vs. McMahons. Still crazy that they can’t fill an hour of wrestling on a wrestling show.
OH BOY a pre-taped Lashley promo. Yeah that’ll help this show. Crowd shout ”WHAT” after every line as Lashley gives the most generic non-smiling promo imaginable about beating Vince and getting his title back. I’ll re-use a Jim Cornette line here: ”I don’t know what they gave the person who suggested giving Lashley a live mic but I hope it was at least 5-10 years.”
Judgement Day is this Sunday. Scott Keith had this to say about it: ”Although not as bad as it was looking on paper, this was basically a rehashed version of Backlash, which was in itself a rehashed version of Wrestlemania, and then they’re doing ANOTHER round of rematches at One Night Stand.”
Bobby Lashley vs. The New Breed
That’s Matt Striker, Elijah Burke and Marcus Cor Von, if you were wondering. Lashley gets a big pop and starts with Burke. One-handed delayed suplex cheers the crowd up so Cor Von tags in and we get a DRAMATIC STARE DOWN between the two. No-one reacts, it was the ECW on Sci-Fi version of Cena/Orton at the Rumble. Before anything can happen, Striker tags in and gets scoop slammed so viciously the commentators start laughing. Burke distracts Lashley and COR VON POUNCES LASHLEY.
Crowd chants for Lashley who is wise enough to stay near the ropes when Burke goes for a pin. Burke punts Lashley in the ribs so the commentators can remind us he has a match with Punk on Sunday. Cor Von tags in so the commentators can remind us he has nothing. Cor Von chinlocks Lashley as the crowd chants for BAWWWBBYY but Cor Von cuts off his momentum and backdrops him. Burke in but he can’t keep Lashley down and takes a belly-to-belly. Cor Von gets sent out so Striker is escorted into the ring by Bobby and gets thrown around like Lee Scott on WCW Worlwide. Big spear and Lashley ends it.
Winner: Bobby Lashley (Passable handicap match to make Lashley look like a beast.)
Burke is pissed at Striker for losing again and that’s your lot.
Overall: Very skippable week, apart from CM Punk’s match. Only a few things worth GIFing which I guess is the modern equivalent of **
I haven’t typed anything new for my site yet (wow what a week) but Botchamania 337 is relatively new so go check that out if you want. As I was typing this review, someone asked Scott Keith about it and it’s a topic on the BOD so thanks for the plugs SK and Anon Fan.
Oh and I’ll be in Orlando for Wrestlemania. I’m going to be at Raw, NXT, Joey Janela’s Spring Break, Pro Wrestling Revolver, PROGRESS and a few other dozen shows so if you see me give me a wave or shout a BoD meme like ”Let’s wait and see how it plays out!” or ”Luger question, take a shot!”
edit: Dave Lagana on Twitter says: ”I have zero recollection of writing this show.”