Welp, I was wrong. Backlash is THIS Sunday so instead of Lashley/Vince we start with a recap of CM Punk ”accidentally” throwing a chair into the ring to help Rob Van Dam knacker Elijah Burke. Punk apologises to The New Breed individually before leaving Burke hanging. Punk comes back smiling, saying he’s just teasing. Burke scowls because he’s seen Transformers and hates Starscream.
We’re in London, England and the main event is announced straight away as ECW Originals vs. The New Breed in an elimination tag match.
Umaga vs. Bobby Lashley
Clips of Umaga, Vince and Shane McMahon destroying Robbie Brookside on Raw, which was surreal. Fuck it, here’s a screenshot of the British legend.
This is Umaga’s debut on ECW and the commentators hype the hell out of this ”colossal collision.” Umaga sends Bobby outside to begin and Armando grabs Lashley to distract. Umaga sends him into the steel steps and decides to set up the announce table, then changes his mind and goes back in. Lashley dives off the top but gets jabbed in the chest as he comes down and Umaga plants him with a Samoan Drop. I forget how great that looked, Umaga would slam his opponent then sit up straight away like it was nothing. He misses a middle-rope diving headbutt and the pair slug it out with Lashley getting cheered by the Brits. Umaga misses the Samoan Spike and gets dumped outside so Armando runs in for the DQ. Lashley hurls him half-way across the ring and Vince keeps Umaga away from the ring as he wants him good for Backlash. Why book the match then you wazzock. Lashley spears Armando and decides hes lived long enough.
Winner via DQ: Lashley (We weren’t going to get much out of these two with the big match on Sunday but what we did get made me miss Umaga.)
We get a shot of Westminster Abbey and Joey Styles passionately goes into detail about how that’s where Queen Elizabeth II was coordinated and Tazz dead-pans ”wow really how interesting.”
Another shill-fest for The Condemned as the crew & cast try and make it seem like Steve Austin was beating up the actors for real. How come normal people don’t take wrestling seriously?
Backstage, Burke tries to blame Punk for last week’s loss but The New Breed have none of it and defend Punk. They remind him he was the one who had him join in the first place so Punk shows up (”hey guys”) and Burke shuts up. These segments are decent as Punk is great at shit-stirring while coming across as trust-worthy, but Burke’s all MAC DADDY MAC DADDY so his crew doesn’t trust him even though he’s right.
Snitsky vs. Balls Mahoney
Snitsky was stalking Layla two weeks ago and Balls hit him with a chair. So we have this match which sees the Big Snit slowly pounding away on Balls while stopping to grimace every few seconds. Snit-kick ends it to bored silence.
Winner: Snitsky (Snitsky isn’t fun to look at, never mind wrestle.)
New Breed get hyped up by Punk and Burke, Burke is sad when he realises his crew like Punk over him.
The ECW Originals (The Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Rob Van Dam, Sabu) vs. The New Breed (Kevin Thorn, Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, Matt Striker) Elimination Rules
Before the match starts, Burke realises it’s five-on-four and makes Punk sit out so it’s fair. No-one likes that. Dreamer and Burke start out with a scoop slam session, ending when Dreamer tags in Sabu and uses him as a weapon. Sabu is still sporting a neck brace from the Elijah Express weeks ago. He doesn’t do much and tags in Sandman who drops a guillotine leg while Burke is draped across the ropes. Sandman misses the Rolling Rock and Burke rolls him up to eliminate Sandman. ”See you at the pub” says Tazz. Striker and Sabu in with Sabu landing a springboard DDT and RVD tags in to drop a double leg on Striker. Huge monkey flip on Striker (who was good at flying across the ring when needed) but RVD gets crotched up top. Striker tries to do something but RVD turns it into a sunset flip powerbomb for two. I think that was supposed to be the finish but Striker got a bit rocked by the monkey flip so RVD gives him a Split-Legged Moonsault to eliminate him. Cor Von snap suplexes RVD and pounds away in a constrained way. RVD is able to kick him away so he can tag in Sabu. Yeah, he’ll help with that giant neck brace. Sabu gets a camel clutch locked in but Burke interferes because The New Breed is strong together, mac daddy. Sabu gets worked over for a few minutes as he’s barely mobile by Sabu standards (well, healthy Sabu standards) and OH SHIT, POUNCE.
All is forgiven Sabu. Dreamer scoops up the bits of Sabu that still float and takes over as we go to break. Cor Von blocks a Dreamer crossbody (well, more of a ”jump into your arms”) and slams in a rough-arse way. Dreamer rolls outside and Cor Von crotches him on the barricade, which somehow gets him disqualified. Not a good way to make Cor Von look good as he’s nothing without THE POUNCE right now. Thorn stretches Dreamer.
Burke in now as Punk gets the crowd behind The New Breed. Thorn avalanches Dreamer in the corner which the crowd reacts strongly for (for whatever reason) but he turns right into a Dreamer DDT for the elimination. As soon as Dreamer stands up, Burke lands the Elijah Express in the corner to send him packing so it’s Burke vs. RVD to finish. Burke tries to use the ropes to win a pin but Scott Armstrong sees it and tells him off. Burke goes to the arm (clearly RVD’s strongest body part) and clotheslines him. RVD makes a comeback out of nowhere and kicks Burke down. Match grinds to a halt as these two keep it as simple as possible so nothing gets messed up. Burke tries to get fancy on the apron but RVD’s like ”I invented that shit” and kicks him off the apron. While the ref is backing off RVD, Punk roundhouse kicks Burke in the back of the head and RVD finishes with the Fiv Star Frog Splash.
Winner: Rob Van Dam of The ECW Originals (New Breed are mostly dull & generic in singles so I’m actually glad they keep on doing these multi-man matches so they get a chance to do their thing and fuck off before you get sick of them. Snitsky should join one of the teams.)
Punk helps Burke up and gives him a GTS but tells him ”I’m sorry” afterwards.
Overall: Wow, they’re really powering through the Punk/Burke thing. They’ve only been together for two weeks and the subtly’s already gone. But with the only two things on the show being Lashley vs. Vince and Snitsky being shit, it’s probably for the best. Plus we’re hopefully going to get Burke beat up by the rest of The New Breed soon as Punk continues to twist the knife. ”His head flew towards my foot, honest!”
As promised here’s the relevant match from Backlash 2007:
Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga, Shane & Vince McMahon (ECW Title)
Not elimination and anybody can get the pin/submission to get Lashley’s title. Operation: Get Lashley Over has been successful so far as he’s cheered when he’s not on the mic. Shane vs. Bobby to start and Shane gets thrown around like a rag doll. Spinebuster causes Shane to take a breather outside and tag in Umaga. ”Every time these two get together, it’s an explosion of humanity.” Umaga dominates as Styles reminds us since joining last year his only two pin-fall losses are to Lashley and Cena. Lashley takes a load of Samoan abuse but manages to throw him out the ring and does the same to a charging Shane. Vince refuses to get in the ring, so Shane gets big-ass suplexed. Lashley drop toe holds Umaga into Shane, which using wrestling logic should have left an Umaga-shaped dent in Shane’s head like a frying pan in Tom & Jerry. Sadly it’s Shane and he doesn’t sell a damn thing because he’s a rich guy, so Lashley runs the ropes but Shane pulls them down and Lashley goes head-over-tit. Vince finally comes off the apron to get a shot in then runs back when Lashley gets up. Umaga and Shane work over Lashley, with Shane locking in ”a texbook Fujiwara armbar.” I miss the Shane of ’99 who got lucky and everyone treated like he wasn’t a wrestler, instead of this ”well he dives off shit every few months so he can do armbars strong enough to take down champions” we have now in 2007 (and 2017). Lashley powers out of the armbar and powerbombs Shane but Umaga makes the save. Bear-hug by Umaga kills a few more minutes and Shane comes in with some fine-looking back-yarder elbow drops. Camel clutch (!?) on Lashley and crowd isn’t as behind for Lashley as they were during his entrance. Crowds enjoy seeing him destroy people but they’re not concerned for him when he’s getting beat up. That’ll happen when you’re as sculpted as your own action figure. Bobby eventually powers out and squishes Shane in the corner and nails him with a T-Bone suplex and back body drop. Torture Rack backbreaker looks to finish but Umaga runs in and gets a spear. Running Powerslam on Shane but Vince breaks it up. We get the mega-staredown between Vince and Bobby but as Lashley tries for the Running Powerslam, Shane grabs his leg and Umaga throat-shots him. Vince distracts the ref and Shane strikes Lashley with the ECW Title. Vince demands the tag but it only gets two. Vince rants so Lashley gets a near-fall but Umaga tags in, big splash, Vince tags, near-fall. Crowd’s like ”yeah OK, end it already”. A second Umaga splash, Vince tags and that’s enough for the new champ.
Winner and new ECW Champion: Vince McMahon (Match was a means to an end, with the crowd getting tired of the constant beat-downs of Lashley. Umaga’s mighty monster aura took a pounding being tagged next to Shane Gracie and having to bounce around for Lashley The Likable.)
And that’s your lot. If you want more stuff to read, I decided to watch as many Mantaur matches as I could find, because this is what you think when you’re flu-ridden. Hey if I have to suffer, everyone suffers.