Show starts with Edge talking to some women and Randy Orton attacking him with exposition. ”We were tag champs and we’re wrestling at Wrestlemania maaan!” Edge assures Randy he can trust him and Orton shrugs away. No explanation given for them being on ECW, even in 2007 WWE expected you to put away 56 hours a week to watching their product.
We’re in Trenton, New Jersey and we start with an EXTREEEME Battle Royal with all of The New Breed and ECW Originals.
Battle Royal: Elijah Burjke, Marcus Cor Von, Kevin Thorne, The Sandman, Matt Striker, Sabu, Rob Van Dam, Tommy Dreamer
Sandman gets pushed off the top rope trying for a Heinekenrana. Tazz says this shows how smart Striker is. For pushing a guy off the top rope during a battle royal? Aye he’s a fucking genius. Cor Von gets shunted out by Sabu but the timing is a bit off.
Thorn counters a Sabu Frankensteiner by placing him on the top rope and pushing him off. Some thrilling Battle Royal action happens as the commentators tell us the New Breed suck because they didn’t have to sleep in their cars. Well yeah, they have those WWE Network percentages to help them. Anyway, Thorn absorbs RVD’s strikes and refuses to get eliminated so RVD charges at him and they both go out. That leaves Burker & Striker vs. Dreamer with Striker soaring outside after a missed charge. He’s so smart etc. Burke does a weird move where he puts him on the top rope then tries dropkicking him out the ring but Tommy holds on. Crowd is behind Tommy as he does his balancing act. Dreamer makes it back in and quickly sends Burke out after a low blow).
Winner: Tommy Dreamer (Whatever. Highlight was Sabu’s candy-coloured tights.)
Post-match Mick Foley comes out to rally the troops and plug his new book, Hardcore Diaries (I enjoyed his first two but the bloom was off the rose at this point, the parts of his career he was talking about just weren’t interesting). Foley rants and the crowd is un-sure on how to react as he keeps on bringing up turning on Dreamer last year. Plus he’s shouting and he looks miserable, even when doing his cheap pops. He brings it back to wanting to see the ECW Originals win at Wrestlemania and chants ”ECW” to get the crowd to make positive noise rather than the confused booing he was receiving. Foley leaves and the Originals review his book.
We’re told Edge volunteered Orton to wrestle Lashley tonight, hence why they’re on the show. Thanks commentators.
Extreme Expose bump and grind to a Rich Boy song and OH THERE’S A PAY-OFF FINALLY as Snitsky interrupts and scares them away. And there’s two wrestlers in the ring waiting afterwards. Wait, eh? Where’d they come from? Great, we’re on Sci-Fi so here’s teleporting wrestlers.
Snitsky vs. Danny Jaxx & Michael Deek
Snistky gives them some clotheslines and big boots, finishes them with a gurn.
Winner: Snitsky (Deek was ECW Original Snot Dudley. That’s all I’ve got.)
Burke offers a position in New Breed to CM Punk again. Burke gives him a shirt and Punk does the ”pretend this is a soap and you’re having a think about it as the cameraman zooms in on you” thing.
Some people are asked about Trump vs. McMahon at a film premiere. Only person I recognised was Jason Alexander and he took the high ground and answered ”I don’t have the right to judge anyone’s hair.”
A dramatic music video package for Trump vs. McMahon kills some more time. Thank God they introduced tag titles in NXT, you’d think an hour would be easy to fill but here we are.
Bobby Lashley vs. Randy Orton
Edge comes out to support Orton and his entrance thankfully kills some more time. They go strike-for-strike until Orton flies with his knee-drop. Orton drapes Lashley across the middle rope so Edge can get a shot in but the ref stops him. Orton then confronts Edge about not helping him as we go to break.
When we return, Orton has Bobby in a Boston Crab. It looks nice but Lashley treats it like a rest hold and chills for a bit until Orton goes ”graaaaaggh” and Lashley realises he has to grab the ropes. Orton tries a pin-fall after the Garvin Stomp which would be funny if it was intended as such. Lashley double-legs Orton because he’s strong but Randy punches him a bit to regain the advantage. This match is mechanical. Orton splats Bobby with the neckbreaker backbreaker but the RKO is pushed off. Edge tries to hit Lashley with the ECW Title but the ref spots the blatant interference and throws him out of the match. Edge apologies to Orton but the camera catches him grinning on the way to the back. OK, that was nice. Break again.
We get a recap of what happened during the break and the biggest spot of the night happened during it!
Orton dunks Lashley into the steps and stamps on his head a few times. Another Garvin Stomp and big knee and another near-fall. Orton then puts him in the Boston Crab again so we’ve had the whole first half of the match replayed. Crowd is deader than the Foley segment. Orton misses a charge in the corner and Lashley takes over. Torture Rack backbreaker gets a two and despite looking cool, crowd doesn’t care and as Lashley stomps in the corner the crowd start to boo. Lashley takes the hint and delivers the Running Powerslam for the win.
Winner: Bobby Lashley (Randy Orton dominating 90% of a match makes for a boring fucking match. His offence was so limited in 2007 he had to repeat every move he’d already used.)
Vince McMahon comes out to stare at Lashley as the show goes off the air.
Overall: Great hype for Wrestlemania, skippable shit wrestling show. Even with the likes of Orton, Edge, McMahon and Foley this wasn’t worth watching.